11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

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Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

I'm going through this with my 11 year old son OP and just want to say I feel your pain. Hope things improve for you.

This weekend's Australian Guardian has covered anxiety and school refusal, so much of it rang true for me I thought I'd share: www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2022/sep/26/families-can-fall-apart-over-this-stuff-the-children-refusing-to-go-to-school?utm_term=633123c4f7bbd92f7c381bebdb9c8ba2&utm_campaign=GuardianTodayUK&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&CMP=GTUK_email

Thanks everyone - these are all really helpful suggestions. It is still brutal but he has not missed a day and we are starting week 4. Apparently he is ok in lessons - and actually doing excellently in class apparently - just the transition to start in the morning, and the worry away from school etc. He is shattered and then having to do h/w at the end of such an emotionally exhausting day is just awful. We are trying to get a therapist who can see him after school or on the weekend, which is not easy. School still being incredibly supportive but fundamentally the poor kid has serious anxiety issues that are not going to go away any time soon…

I could've written your post two years ago, OP – we went through exactly the same when our DD started secondary, due to pandemic-induced separation anxiety. I was also that parent having to push a sobbing child through the gate every morning and I remember how awful and stressful it was for me, so it must be for you, because it's secondary and parents don't usually do the school run! So well done for getting him there every day and getting him into class – I know it's taking every ounce of calmness you possess to get him there and it takes its toll.

Fast forward two years and we are through the other side. What worked for us was the amazing support of the school. They allowed her to be upset, didn't let the other kids judge her for it, and had buckets of patience when she'd melt down in class. So do lean on the pastoral care team as much as you can. This book really helped too – it's based on CBT techniques and has been brilliant in helping her understand what's causing her anxiety and how to deal with it. Like your DS, my DD had a panic attack one day and kept saying what's wrong with me and it broke my heart. But with time, and doing the CBT work, and the support of the school, gradually it got better. Now, she leaves in the morning to school with a friend without a backward glance. It's like having a different child!

Just look after yourself in all this. I was so drained by it and would often break down myself, part in despair and part in frustration. What you're dealing with is so, so hard.

Sorry, meant to add, it was really bad September to December, still iffy in Jan and Feb, but by the spring she turned the corner.

@Youaremysunshine14 thank you so much for the kind message - I actually just ordered that book this weekend! We just had a meltdown and tears about being scared of school tomorrow and not wanting to go, so both he and I are a wreck. It is so exhausting. He doesn’t want to go to sleep because then it will be school tomorrow…Unfortunately I know tomorrow morning will be rough and I will have to take him in to the nurses office first thing so he can calm down, and then get him taken off to lesson by the head of year. I just don’t know any other way to get him in right now, as I if I try and leave him at the gate he will just run out, and we are a 45min bus ride away from school, so I can’t get him to go on his own from our house. So hard. We are all broken.

I'm not surprised you are broken. Just reading your post takes me back to that feeling of dread that would often overwhelm me when my DD started to get upset in the evening, knowing it would take ages to get her settled in bed and then it would start again the moment her eyes snapped open. Sometimes the only way I could cope was having a big glass of wine and a good cry when she was finally asleep! Do whatever you need to do to cope.

45 mins is quite a long bus ride for the anxiety to build. Does your DS have a phone and ear buds so he can listen to music or watch something to take his mind off it? Brown noise also helps my DD's anxious thoughts switch off. But you're doing the right thing in just getting him there and then letting the school take over, rather than letting him stay at home. That really is the worse thing you can do, because once you've done it once, it's so hard to walk back from. I promise you WILL look back on this in the not too distant future and realise what a herculean effort it was, but you did it. Wishing you all the best. x

@Youaremysunshine14 thank you, it is so helpful to hear from someone on the other side of this! It is hard not to feel like it will never get better but I have to remember we have only had 3 weeks. I just have to keep taking it one day at a time. In the morning I let him play on my phone for distraction and we have tried listening to music, but he seems to find it too much when he is on edge. I will keep trying. We are also considering getting a car just so we can get in quicker…Every day he is in school all day is a win, and will be helping him get less scared. I totally agree you can’t have a day off, and I dread him getting sick for that reason too! Anyway. I need to self care and get some rest this evening to summon up the strength to deal with the morning and then a full day of work! Thanks again for your kind words

Another brutal day. Called in tears and shaking from the nurses office saying he could not cope and was so tired and overwhelmed. It breaks my heart. One question I had was he has not been sleeping well with all this and I know that if I let him sleep in bed with me he would at least get rest and comfort during that period, to build his reserves for school the next day. But at the same time I know I am supposed to be teaching him self sufficiency and self reliance so sleeping with me will possibly make his separation anxiety worse. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?

This is hard to read because we have been where you are. My DS(12) is still out of school due to extreme anxiety. He went to a very dark place but is much better now - although we are at the start of our next challenge - getting him to a new, smaller school. The best advice i can give is if you can afford it make an appointment with a private psychiatrist. This will save you months of waiting and possibly inadequate care. (The system is broken not the wonderful Drs within it). S/he can screen for ASD/ADHD etc. For us there is no ASD diagnosis (although many 'traits') but from my reading this seems to be the most common outcome of kids with anxiety. They tend to mask and something triggers it. Do not give up hope. Do whatever you can to look after yourself. Let him sleep with you if it means you all get some rest.
Take a look at the book Never Let Go By Suzanne Alderson and the above poster who recommended Not Fine in School facebook group is spot on. There are thousands of lovely kids feeling like this. You are not alone. You will come through this but it can take some time. Feel free to PM me. Wishing you much love. It is the hardest thing we have gone through as a family.

OP, sending you big hugs, what a challenging situation for you and your son.

My first question would be: did he ask to sleep in your bed?

And I guess you'll get a range of answers for this question.

In my opinion, I'd do anything to have him become as self-reliant and independent from you as humanly possible. He is at an age where kids are learning to detach and find their own way in the world and as you say, as a parent you want to facilitate that (and I am tempted to say that this is just another way the separation anxiety shows up).

So, for me, I'd only co-sleep with older kids in extreme situations / emergencies.

What I would do however is reassuring that he is safe 'away from you', so can you lie down with him when he first falls asleep (in his bedroom) or sit by his bed for a while to let him drop off. If he wakes at night, repeat.

@KaliforniaDreamz many thanks for your kind words, and i am sorry you have been, and are, going through such a difficult time. The hardest thing is not knowing what is the right thing to do. Are we making things worse for his mental health by forcing him in to school every day? But the alternative is to let him stay home and, once you have opened that door, there is no going back. But he is so sad and so broken and it is just awful to see. To we keep firm and keep making him go until eventually it gets better, or is that just going to be months and months of hell for him and us that end up breaking him forever?

We are urgently trying to get private therapist help - but it is so hard to find decent ones with any availability! There are hundreds of them in London, but all the good ones seem to be booked out.

@vanhalen many thanks to you too - he does ask (begs) to sleep in our bed. He is sick now too, but just with a bad cold, and we are so scared of letting him have a day off school that we are making him go anyway. But the combination of that, his anxiety and his exhaustion and lack of sleep makes me feel like giving in and letting him sleep in our bed tonight. But then the other half of me worries that is just going to make things worse. It is so hard to know.

wishing you all that he gets better soon, a bad cold is the last thing you need now... a solution could be to let him sleep on a makeshift bed on the floor next to your side of the bed? (we've had years of our kids wanting to sleep in our bed for various reasons, and this one always felt like a good compromise, next to mummy, but not too cosy!)

Hopefully you get some time to relax and recover from this draining period too

If letting him sleep with you is what gets him rested at this stage, I'd say go for it. Deal with the acute issue and handle the fall out when he's on a more even keel.

When my DS first started having panic attacks and school refusing he wasn't sleeping at all. I was having to lie down with him every night to get him to sleep (in his bed) and even then it was a restless sleep, he was permanently exhausted.

Our GP prescribed him a short term course of melatonin. We were lucky that he was a mental health lead and was able to prescribe on a short term basis on mental health grounds, not all can. It meant we were able to wean him off the co-sleeping and also gave him a better quality of sleep overnight.

Then as part of his follow up treatment from CAMHS the psych put him on a long term melatonin script as we were able to evidence what a massive difference it made. They are now investigating whether he has ADD, which often causes sleep problems. He's never needed more than the minimum dose and the difference it has made to our lives has been phenomenal.

If your GP can't help then a private psych might prescribe? It honestly saved our son.

We used melatonin too. Psychiatrist can prescribe, most GPs won't.
It is not a quick fix so don't force him in if it is making him more unwell. He will get his education eventually, his health is the focus now. x

we are letting him sleep with us tonight just to get some rest…he passed out and is sleeping deeply. Nice also to have a loving, happy few hours in the evening for a change….I know tomorrow will be hard again, but at least we have this little glimmer of light

How did he get on today username?

I’m sor sorry your boy is going through this. I have a child the same age and it’s heartbreaking to read what your DS is going through. You sound like a wonderfully supportive and patient parent. I hope you find a therapist very quickly.

If you are in London might the hybrid model of school (Portland Place) that posters mentioned on another thread on here be an option for your son?

OP - do you think there is any chance your son is ASD? Even a tiny amount. That can cause huge anxiety around school ….. So you think he’s masking to fit in with school? Is he generally happy at the w/e and happy to go places?

Im only asking as cbt isn’t recommended for ASD children

Don’t force your child to go into school it will only traumatise them.

School need to provide more support ….. does he struggle with the volume of children / smells in the dining room ….. does he have any friends can you ask for a place where he can go when it’s just too much at school. can school buddy him up with someone.

was this an issue in his previous school? Or is it just a settling / new school issue?

Don’t wait for cahms / GP - you are going to have to spend cash on this even private people have long waiting times. Cahms you are talking years.

You might want to get on a Psychiatrist waiting list those are the people that can provide anxiety meds if you need them as a last resort as that will be a 6 month wait too….

As someone on the other side of this now, I can feel your pain. My advice is to get him out of that school and into a more nurturing one. It won't get better. There are schools out there, although I'm not sure about where in London specifically. We took our dd to a private psychiatrist in London and she told us to move her to another "alternative" type of school. We did eventually, after years of trying to make it work, and then we wished we'd done it straight away. Things got better overnight. We have that psychiatrist to thank because it makes it easier to make the change when you have the advice of a professional.

Canbury in Kingston Is on my rador too (I’ve got a diagnosed child with anxiety and asd) and lots of mummies I know speak very highly of that school ….

There is another one but I just can’t remember I will post when it comes back to me - brain fog 🤪

Sorry but that’s co -Ed school is too much I’d be pulling him out it seems quite extreme upset your son has

also, day boarding schools sometimes have smaller number of children.

Please don’t force him into school - the school needs to be a happy place and currently it’s not meeting the needs of your child. Which is fine … maybe another school will suit him better.

I'm sorry to read about the difficulties you are having. It's so hard. We have been there with our son and I know how awful it makes you feel, and how hard it is for them. I would echo what others have said about private counselling. We got cbt for our son, he did also end up moving schools but in his case he had never been happy at school. He honestly is a different child now and I wouldn't even describe him as anxious. Do a bit of research around therapists in your area and see what you can come up with. Our son had counselling at school but that made no difference whatsoever. It was the cbt that changed his way of thinking. I'd recommend the book helping your child with fears and worries. It shows you how to do step by step programs to help your child and teaches you how to talk to them so as not to reinforce their fear. Loads of luck, I really hope you manage to get the right help.

Also as PP suggested, he is likely to be autistic. Neurotypical children don't have such extreme reactions to school. My dd has no diagnosis and I was quite insulted when a friend suggested she might be autistic- she's super bright, empathetic, kind, funny, makes eye contact etc - but her level of anxiety about school was not normal; meltdowns and panic attacks, especially in relation to school, are in themselves pointers to ASD. The penny only really dropped for me after watching a programme about children suffering with mental health problems and one girl had a meltdown about school and was later diagnosed with autism. As a teacher, I see it everywhere and it's normally undiagnosed.

Thanks for your messages everyone. Yesterday was better - still tough but no meltdowns. Poor thing is fighting a nasty cold right now which doesn’t help. We don’t think shifting schools is the right approach yet - his school has amazing pastoral care and have been really proactive and helpful. It is not so much the school itself, rather the separation anxiety being away from us and the socialising and lessons etc, which will be the same anywhere. We have a call with a private therapist this morning and are trying to get sessions set up asap. Generally speaking it does seem to be slowly improving a little bit, but it is really hard.