11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

[usernamebore]

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

All the people telling you to hang in there. Don't. This is well over a month now. Your child has been in fight or flight all day for over a month. Pull him out now. Today. For his mental health.

In education we always think about Maslow's hierarchy of need. I'll attach a pic. Your child is down in the red/orange zone every day because he doesn't feel safe. That means he can't learn. Can't make friends. Can't achieve.

A typical child would have passed initial reluctance to attend by now. Your child is atypical and you need to find out why. They could have a mental illness, like your partner. They could be neurodiverse (also, possibly like your partner). They could need a smaller setting with fewer students/teachers/classrooms. They could need a setting that specialises in or works with children with behavioural, emotional and social difficulties.

But this isn't the right place for him and never will be. It's traumatising him.

Once you've done that you can start to think about the whys - all behaviour is communication, he is telling you something. You can enlist help to figure it out. A child psychiatrist. An educational psychiatrist. A play therapist.

But don't keep re-traumatising him every day because then you risk him never being able to go to ANY setting, no matter how appropriate.

(Fwiw, OP, and others will roll their eyes I'm sure, every behaviour you've written about here screams autism to me. Clever autistic children tend to manage ok in primary, but the shit usually hits the fan in secondary, as there's too much expected of them socially, emotionally, academically. Even organising their own work, timetables etc is a big thing. Anyway, you can roll your eyes too but I would consider it)

Op you’ve had lots of good advice here. If you are considering other schools take a look at St Chris in Letchworth. It’s in Herts but lots of kids bus in from North London. It’s a wonderful school for kids who don’t need a specialist provision, but who just aren’t suited to a traditional private school.

I recommend the Sunshine Support webinar about Emotionally Based School Avoidance. And also echo what the poster above says about not pushing him to go in. My dd is exactly the same.

This is the most sensible answer I've read on here. What a shame it was ignored.

l had this with my son age 13, l forced him in thinking l was doing the right thing, plus l felt under under so much pressure from the school, it was the most damaging thing l could have done and as a family almost destroyed us. He had a suicide plan, that's how hopeless he felt. Please be very wary of trying to please everyone else like l was, whilst over looking the toll its taking on your son. Something is clearly not working, taking time out of school will not be as catastrophic as people lead you to believe. My son is thriving now after a year of finding his feet, deschooling etc. Yes forcing them in each day will work for some but for others its just a ticking time bomb.
There are many alternative routes to getting an education, just because he is not suited to main stream school does not mean he won't be able to flourish in other situations.

I've just RTfT but don't have personal experience of this - DS is 10 and still in primary.

It does feel as if it may be time to change strategy - it's been a while now and he does appear to be reading a bit of a crisis where he's not in a physical or mental condition to deal with such huge emotional challenges.

@crumpetswithjam Many thanks for your detailed response, and for how much you care. It really is much appreciated. I think the reason I disagree is that we have had many days where he has been fine - even happy - in school this term. He usually really enjoys his lessons and is doing really well in them. Last week he had a whole week of being fine in the morning and, when I spoke to him at break and lunch, he was laughing and in good spirits. We are having a blip right now because he is (a) sick with a nasty cold (and very tired) and (b) anxious about his tests because he does not understand that they are just progress tests and the teachers will not be mad at him if he does not do well. We have started with a private child psychologist and are working with him on CBT at home. He has been improving, but we are having a setback. I dont think moving schools would help as the issue is not this school but school in general and being away from us, as well as all the normal pressures that go along with school. He also has social anxiety and struggles with the other kids, which will be the same wherever we go.

The school itself have been amazing - really helpful and supportive - I cant imagine any school doing more really - and I just had his head of year on the phone with me and him at lunch time where she was talking him through why he did not need to worry about his tests etc and was going to help take him to his next lesson.

Re Autism - I have thought about it. He is extremely empathetic though (too much in many ways - he gets upset about other kids getting in trouble etc) and very good at expressing and communicating his emotions, but he has all sorts of slightly OCD behaviors (he has to arrange his stuffed animals in bed in a certain order at night, likes all his books lined up straight), is much happier talking to adults than other kids, likes a routine, and has always gotten very obsessively interested in one thing at a time. I think there may be a sensory issue as he gets overwhelmed by all the noise and bustle at school and has things like needing the tags to be removed from his clothes, or getting overly bothered by sock seams. Add that to the anxiety (social and separation), the effect of the pandemic, the death of his grandfather, the house move, and you get something of a perfect storm.

Everything we are seeing from the professionals at the moment tells us to keep sending him in, but my plan is to see where we are in december and revisit then. If we keep supporting him at home, and keep these things in place in school, it will hopefully help get him to a point he is not so scared.

Poor boy, I went through very similar myself as a child. I was slightly older than him. My advice is simple, he's suffering, he's trying to be strong and keep going because that's what he thinks he should do. If he was an adult experiencing this level of discomfort in a job would he still be encouraged to go in day after day?

In my experience I left school (early by a few years) and eventually learnt at home. What he's doing at the moment is aversion therapy, he's facing his fears every day. I really hope the CBT can help him. Give him all the comfort you can, almost like he's a small child again, that's what he needs, to feel safe and protected.

Only as an adult have I been able to rationalise how I felt as a teen and understand that in that moment he will feel TERRIFIED. Is school really worth it? Yes in the long run he needs an education but right now his need to feel safe is far greater.

It's a really hard situation for all of you but he WILL get through the other side, that may not be in the same school but he (and you all ) will be ok. Feel free to pm me. Good luck!

Just seen your update. That's all very positive, it does sound like his little head is an anxious whirlwind.

I would stick with the current plan, make him feel as safe as you can at home. Does he have any pets? Can you plan something like a garden project or anything that can distract him? Depending on his interests obviously, something like that that he can engage with will be a good idea right now.

You need to pull him out OP.

He is almost certainly autistic given what you've posted in your post about sensory issues. School is traumatising him. He is a good boy and he wants to do well but he can't cope in that environment.

I've been there. It's hard. But pulling him out could be the best thing you do for him. My son was out 5 years after a similar situation to yours but still did fantastically in GCSEs and has learned to manage many of his sensory issues and now is doing really well in our local 6th form which is academically selective.

I know you are saying professionals advise you to stick with school. I was advised the same. This is because school is the norm and as a society we put a lot of emphasis on children being compliant and treat refusal as a behavioural issue. There is also talk of building resilience in this context but making a child face the harm of an unsuitable environment on a daily basis damages them and does the opposite of making them resilient.

Ultimately as parents we are responsible for our children's safety and my child wasn't safe in school because it was harming his mental health. It takes a bit of a leap of faith.

And @crumpetswithjam post at 14.24 was spot on.

Are you not able to sign up for an online school? That would get rid of all his issues with going into school.

Thanks everyone. There is very much a distinct difference in approach evidenced by the posts here - some who advocate strongly for pulling him out now, and some who say keep going as we are and keep supporting him. My gut still lies with the latter at the moment, but it is hard. I feel like we are doing the right thing by keeping sending him to the school and working with him, but I will be keeping a close eye on it, and him, and keeping all the options on the table. I dont want to rush to move, or pull him out of school just when things are starting to get progress. As I said, I suspect November is going to be hard after the half term, and we will have had a few sessions with they child psychologist by that point, so hopefully we can re-assess then if we need to. This week is going to be difficult for him and for us, but I think we have to keep on fighting at this stage.

You're not building resilience. You're creating a monster.

OP I am autistic, but I am also very experienced in working with children with autism. Autistic children are incredibly empathetic, to the point that it pains them. One of the biggest misconceptions about autistic people is that they lack empathy. Old models claims this. Alternatively, other models have shifted the focus away from cognitive empathy and propose that children with autism have overwhelming emotional empathy and thus find it difficult to interact with others; these models are “empathy imbalance” and “intense world” (Smith, 2009). Smith emphasises that people with autism may have stronger emotional empathy than typically developed matched samples.

@crumpetswithjam

You're not going to convince OP. You're right about empathy it was one of the key reasons I thought my DS couldn't be autistic. My daughter who is also autistic is too empathetic. She attributes feelings to inanimate objects!

OP I really hope it works out.

Speaking from personal experience you are trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Fix the environment not the child. He deserves to thrive where he feels safe. A child who doesn't feel safe can't learn.

No, they won't be convinced. I just feel very sad for this poor boy. He has people around that want to help him, but won't engage with what's actually going on. And they're not listening, not really.

Often happens like this with undiagnosed autistic children at this age. Could have been averted with earlier diagnosis. It's partly the system, part ignorance on the parents side. It's depressing. As an autistic person I am empathising very strongly with this child (despite what OP thinks about autism and empathy) and my heart is breaking for them. I think I've said all I can to implore this parent to do the right thing, but I will step away now.

Do you have any suggestions for london schools which might be more appropriate, in your view, if we ultimately decided to go that way? Part of me thinks somewhere smaller and more nurturing might be better, but I have no idea what that would be. I know people have mentioned Portland Place but I have heard very mixed things about that. I think he would be fine going in every day if the school was not so driven re exams and tests and performance etc, and was not so overwhelming.

You need to work out what's going on with your child first.

i agree.

I would actually really suggest you engage a good Occupational Therapist to so a sensory profiling report.

That will help you understand what he can or cannot cope with.

Sorry that should have said 'to do'.

@usernamebore I so hope you listen to those who have gone before you. DD2 struggled for years through school. She's now year 11 and finally is in the right setting. Unfortunately, the damage was done and now the Local Authority is having to pay for a very expensive school, where she's in a class of 3 children because she can't cope with bigger classes. I think if educational professionals had listened earlier, she could well have coped with class sizes of 12-18.

For DD2, we're in a race against time. We have to try and get her self-esteem restored, her confidence in her ability to learn, before she can learn.

DD2 sometimes had times when she laughed. She sometimes seemed 'ok'. Until she couldn't do it any more.

Now, we're in a fix about what the future holds because she wants to do a college course in the future but the class sizes are too big for her to cope with.

You have a chance here to deal with your DS's needs before they escalate.

I’d listen to Eliza fricker missing the mark podcasts and also she is on face book where she draws pictures of a school setting - she is absolutely amazing - it’s all about the school environment which is absolutely the key (it’s for pda children - but ASD and GAD has similar traits to pda as those children struggle in school ….Due to demands and high anxiety….. you might like her drawings….. )

Also, he might be “fine” for a small amount of time. But come holidays and also when the work gets harder / more demands he might explode again …. some kids aren’t suited to particular environments / high pressured schools especially when there are a LOT of different options …. Mental health is worth a million pounds than a good school / good grades. Sorry but I don’t think that particular school suits him but he could be so much happier in a more relaxed school.

What kind of mental health struggles does your wife have? Is the therapist exploring any links, genetic or otherwise, with your son's issues? I would think it might be hard to separate these two things.