11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

[usernamebore]

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

@Ilovechoc12 some infor here https://www.healisautism.com/amp/sensory-diet-children-autism
tbh it’s been very led by my DD trying different things out over the years that she’s liked plus her mainstream school have a great send base with stuff they can use. It varies so much for each child what they enjoy.

Another brief update - online school is going really well, but the hybrid structure of trying to get him in to real school on one or two days a week is not. His level of anxiety and stress about those days is extreme, and we have not managed to get him into a classroom for more than 10min. He finds the other kids, and the school environment, absolutely terrifying. Even though there are only 5 kids in his class. Even though it is a small and nurturing school. Crying in fear the night before going in, even knowing it would only be for 10min. Shaking in terror as we approach the school building…

So we are going to give up. What is the point in forcing him in when everything has showed us so far that does nothing but traumatise him? If online school works, and is what he needs right now, then I guess we have to accept that and let him be at home. We have tried CBT, tried “resilience” building for a year of forcing him in every day, tried baby steps in a new school, and nothing has worked. But online he is doing the work, answering questions in class, engaging with the learning…so I guess we have no choice but to have him learning from home every day and hope we can work on the socialising side of things in the future when he has more capacity…I feel like crying but it is what it is and I don’t see we have any other options.

Also - just to add - looking back at some of my posts when he was “improving” at his old school, he has explained that he thought everyone found school that painful and terrifying and he had to put on a brave face and pretend (I.e mask!) and there was something wrong with him because he struggled to do so. But once he learnt that he was autistic and everyone else did not have the challenges he did, he could drop the mask and let us know how he really felt every day. How what we saw was a kid not crying before school, or when he spoke to me on the phone, and assumed that meant he was getting more comfortable and the “resilience” building was slowly working, whereas in reality he was just repressing how he was feeling and acting happier because he thought he had to. All while he was secretly scratching and biting and pinching himself in fear and stress, or lying in bed alone every night trying not to cry about the next day…

I know now if we had not pulled him out and made a change, in a few months or years he would have had a complete breakdown and we would have been in a very very bad place. Hopefully now we have changed things in time. It is still going to take a long time to build his strength and confidence up, but I am hopeful we will get there.

Are there are sport activities you as a family can take up with other kids in the group? Tennis, sailing, martial art etc. Art classes or events in museums. Therefore you can get DC to socialise but outside a classroom situation?
Gaming like Power up in Science Museum? Meet other kids of different age and some interactions.
Does he play any musical instruments and could join an ensemble or orchestra?

Thanks - that would be ideal, but at the moment he finds the whole idea of interacting with other kids completely overwhelming and terrifying so we can’t even try. He says he just doesn’t understand them and finds his peers confusing and unpredictable and often mean, which makes interacting with them extremely stressful and scary. Part of what we are learning about the extreme empathy which comes with his autism is, for example, every time one of the boys in his class said something mean to one of the girls, he felt it deeply. Every time he saw someone being told off, or being bullied, or being sad because they got a bad grade, or saw children dying on the news, it hurt him and he fears a world which often treats people as cruelly as ours does…

But we are thinking of hopefully trying to join some sort of group things in the future when he has recovered from the autistic burnout a bit. Maybe some sort of group classes or other things. Hopefully we can help him learn that there are good people out there too, and that he can find his tribe if we give it time

So sorry to read your update but equally glad you have “listened” to your lovely DS he’s is really lucky to have such understanding parents. I remember reading your first post and it really resonated as I have a child the same age who is struggling so so much with mainstream school despite us finally securing a EHCP & many adjustments we too are on the verge of pulling them out to home educate as the pain of forcing them into school is awful. This Monday night Dr Naomi Fisher is doing one of her Zoom webinars on school burn out due to autism and next steps, I’ve just signed up as I like her work. I hope your DS can thrive via HomeEd and slowly find his way back into some of the world

Thanks - yes, I was planning to attend that webinar. Her viewpoint makes a lot of sense

@usernamebore I'm so glad you have managed to unpick what was happening for your lovely boy. Does he have an EHCP? DD2 is very similar to your DS and couldn't cope in a school with classes of 3. She's now having an EOTAS (Education Otherwise than at School) package from the LA. It's not as unusual as people may like you to think.

I'm really pleased that your child is in a place where they are being seen and understood by people around them. Good updates OP.

Just by way of update, we are well into the first week at Minerva and are extremely impressed. Staff and kids lovely. About 60% of the students are neurodiverse. Work at a good and adaptable level. Highly flexible. Good example is in the live lessons - depending on where your kid is comfortable they can contribute orally, by public chat, or by private chat. They can have cameras on, off, on but showing the ceiling, on but with them blurred out etc. There are social groups but no pressure to join. You can adapt the work to do it when works best for your kid etc. Very up on autism, ADHD, anxiety etc and teachers are all very conscious of trying to work with kids to help them feel ok. Technical systems are well thought through and up-to-date. Lots of use of good tech, particularly in terms of assistive tech to help kids with dyslexia etc or other challenges. 1-1- mentor is amazing. Highly recommended if anyone is thinking about it. DS is getting more and more confident, and his anxiety levels have dropped massively. I think a big part of it is so much more of his day is now in his control. He gets to decide if he feels happy answering a question. When one class went to do group work, the teacher said anyone who was not comfortable with group work in breakout rooms could stay with her and do it there. I could see DS breathe a sigh of relief....

@usernamebore resurrecting your thread as there are so many similarities with our son. Secondary transition has been tough and he hasn't been in for 4 weeks now. Reading experiences like yours are really helpful to avoid us pushing and potentially risking a more serious burnout situation as a result.

DS11 is starting at MVP in January, and I am actually excited for him, I just think it will be so much more of a positive experience.

Is your son still there? How is it going? Has he managed to find other clubs and ways to socialise with kids his age IRL?