11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

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Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

OP- how is your son after half term?

@Ilovechoc12 I have been hesitant to post because I didnt want to jinx things, but we do seem to have potentially turned a bit of a corner. There was some anxiety over half term - not just about school, but wider anxieties and getting easily overwhelmed etc - but we have been working with him, and have had a couple of good sessions with the child psychologist, and this week has seen a dramatic difference. No tears at all, no freakouts and actually laughing and joking on the way in to school. Obviously this is all still on the basis of the support structures we have in place (I take him in to the nurse in the morning, he calls at break and lunch (though only for 3-4min) and he has notes from us to open for each lesson) but seeing as he was only just making it in with all of that, and getting very anxious every day, last half term, it does seem a big improvement. I know it has barely been a week yet, but I am allowing myself to hope a little that we are on the way up.

Small steps, and certainly not going to rush to remove the supports (though we will do eventually) but his confidence is growing with each successful day. He still has no friends, and hides away most of break and lunch, but hopefully now that the wider fears are reducing, he will have the mental space to be able to start interacting more with his peers and potentially making friends. He has actually mentioned that he thought of trying a club yesterday lunchtime, but was too scared, but the fact he even considered it is a massive improvement....

Ah that is fantastic news, really pleased for you all, I've been wondering how it's going. Nothing wrong with having all those support mechanisms in place longer term, my DS certainly still has things he relies on now well into Year 8 and there's no harm in it at all, keeps him happy and settled and gives him the confidence to reach out in other areas. Brilliant that he's starting to consider clubs too - as ever, baby steps, but he will get there. And well done to you on holding it together for everyone, it takes nerves of steel sometimes, I know!

As he has being doing well the last few weeks, both the therapsit and the school advised us to drop the break time call from Wednesday this week, so he only calls at lunch. I know he can do it, and I know it is important we start removing the safety behaviours, but we just told him and the poor thing is freaking out. It just shows how irrational anxiety is - he literally speaks to me for less than a minute at break and is generally laughing and telling me about his lessons. But his brain is telling him without that he can’t cope. I know we will get there but I am feeling super anxious and depressed at the thought of going back to having the tears and the anxiety and panic again, even if just for a short time while he adjusts. Seeing him sat on the couch feeling worried and sad just makes me want to cry.

Why do you HAVE to remove the safety net if it's been helping? I would just tell the school he needs it and it's the only thing that works. Don't change anything if it's been working for him

It is part of the work on his anxiety more generally - using the laddering technique to slowly increase the exposure etc. I think he can do it, but he has to deal with his mind telling him he can’t and the only way to do that is to do it. Part of me agrees with you though - particularly because I am sure in schools where kids are allowed mobile phones there are plenty of kids who text or call home during the day! But we have to trust in the professionals and give this a try. Taking their approach has really worked so far, so we are going to take this next step and keep supporting him through it. If it really doesn’t work then we can reassess after a week or so. But I am hopeful we will have a hard day or two and then he will realise he can do it and he will have taken another step forward.

What we have found helps with the laddering approach sometimes is breaking it right down to an almost ridiculous level. So, for example you could time the calls - on day one he chats for 2 mins, on day two for 1 min, on day three he literally checks in and hangs up. On Day four could he send a text so you're not actually talking to each other. Then on day five he tries going to the room but not calling (but if that's too hard he's still in a place where he can call if needed) and phase it out reeeaallly slowly?

why can't he decide when he wants to drop that call.
i think a lot of his anxiety is about things being out of his control.
he has become aware of death which is out of everyone's control. totally. it's hard for adults to cope with that, and to keep going, and to get beyond the feeling of, oh what's the point.
he is acutely aware that those whom he loves will die, and there's nothing he can do about it.
and he's got to spend his time away from those he loves.
and in the ultimate scheme of things, nothing seems as important.
and he loves and needs you.
it's nothing to do with how long he talks for, or topic.
it's that he knows you are still alive.
so he can go on living, trying to function.
excuse my impertinence in writing this.
you may say it's all tosh, that i don't know him; know nothing about it. which is true.
i wish you and him all the best.

username we’ve taken great strides with the Laddering Approach. We also had tears when scaffolds were taken down but I trusted the process (mostly) and things are so much better than they’ve ever been before.

@tpmumtobe thanks - I actually just created a laddering poster to go on our fridge with rewards for each step because I think it will help with his control/fear of the unknown to be able to visualise where we are headed. I have been cutting down the lengths of the calls for the last few weeks - they have gone from 15min of tears 4 weeks ago, to less than a minute of joking and laughter - so I am confident he does not NEED the call, but it is a comfort we are taking away. The thing is, the only way he can learn he is resilient and he can cope is to have to cope.
He has actually been doing ok today - clearly an increase in his anxiety, but still miles away from where we were. Will just keep my fingers crossed for Wed.

@Hamsterdamn many thanks - that is really encouraging to hear

I was going to suggest looking at PP too

He played tag with “friends” at lunchtime today!! That has made my evening!

Ah user, that’s brill. He’s come so far so quickly.

@Hamsterdamn thanks - it is hard to keep hold of those positives when there is so much to worry about, but he really is coming along. Still very far to go - and we had lots of worries from him before bed tonight - but we are still slowly moving forward

Slowly, slowly. You’re all doing so well. Of course he will have worries but hopefully he’s spilled them out and can sleep well.

Just thought I would post an update - the call dropping went really well. He was anxious that morning but actually when he called at lunch he was in good spirits. We have successfully kept the call dropped, and dropped almost all the notes from us too. Tears in the morning are now a rarity, though there is obviously still anxiety there. He has been talking more to other kids, and even went to one lunchtime club session! Often when I speak to him at lunchtime he is laughing and joking, which is such a long way from the crying and fears we had 6 weeks ago.

The next big step is Tuesday when I will drop him at the gate for the first time and he walks to the nurses office on his own, where he can then call me. Both he and I are very anxious about it but I am sure he can do it. Then that will be the last change before next term so we have time to embed everything.

We had an excellent group meeting with the school pastoral team and his child psychologist last week which was really helpful. We all felt he was capable of taking this next step and it was important not to stagnate.

Still a long way to go (and he definitely had a case of the Sunday scaries tonight) but making great strides forward.

Brilliant news, I'm thrilled for you both. Good to get that next change to the routine in place before the Christmas break too, build a bit of confidence in it going into the holidays so hopefully the return in Jan is less fraught.

Wonderful. He’s done so well, I hope he’s proud of himself.

@tpmumtobe @Hamsterdamn - thanks both. I am struggling myself with real anxiety about tomorrow morning, and he is definitely worried. The hard thing is it is a big symbolic change - walking in alone rather than me walking him in. Plus he has to walk away from me, rather than me leaving him with the nurse. I am expecting a tough time, but I know he can do it and once he gets into that routine it will be fine.

Sounds like you are dong a great job, OP. Tiny steps!

I’ve been following this one as I’m a therapist, and autistic. There seem to be many signs of that your DS could be autistic, and I just want to say, I’m a therapist who works with other autistic therapists, so the thing about empathy is a big ol’ myth.

I’m pleased for you that things seem to be settling down and your DS seems happier. IME the pandemic was particularly tough on neurodivergent youngsters, it has in general taken many longer to get back into the kinds of things they were doing pre pandemic. It sounds like it’s been very tough on you all.

Pretty clear that there's neurodiversity in there isn't there?

If you persist with trying to make your square peg child fit into a round hole, of course it's going to be hard. Every day he's having to contort his entire way of being to try and fit in.

You could explore more square peg options, but you haven't.

This will blow up in your face, OP. Every day he goes there you all skate on thin ice.

@jamoncrumpets thanks but obviously I don’t agree, nor do you know the reality of my child or what is happening with us.

We are working with the school, the school counsellor and an independent child psychologist, all of whom agree with the approach we are taking. And it is working - his confidence is growing, he is starting to make friends, and we are a long way from the panic attacks etc. He did brilliantly this morning and walked into school on his own, without any of the panic or tears I was expecting. It was a challenge for him (and he was a little teary from all the emotion when he called me from the nurses office) but he is doing amazingly.

Rather than thin ice, we are seeing deepening roots and growing self-confidence.