Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

236 replies

usernamebore · 20/09/2022 11:57

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

OP posts:
Revengeofthepangolins · 26/01/2023 22:01

Tbh think some of this autism chat is a bit of a culdesac. I know the general narrative is that once a diagnosis is received huge relief is felt and the world changes, but I don't really feel that way.

My son has an asd diagnosis, but in itself it doesn't really do much to help with day to day life. He still needs to get on with stuff and the label doesn't change that.

Original poster
usernamebore · 27/01/2023 09:20

@Zib Thank you - still steadily improving, though with that classic "saw-tooth" up and down recovery. He volunteered to be one of the 4 kids representing his form in the inter-form literature quiz, and ended up winning the first round, which was a really good sign of his progress. It was a high-pressure, fingers on the buzzers lunchtime event, so were really proud of him for doing it! We are back to dropping off at the gate (just!) and he is definitely interacting more with his peers (though he still refuses to designate anyone more than "acquaintance +" 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamebore · 27/01/2023 09:33

@Revengeofthepangolins thanks, and I tend to agree. At this stage I dont think getting a diagnosis, even if that would be the outcome of an assessment (which I doubt), would change anything about what we are doing on the day to day level. We are seeing real and concrete improvement with the approaches we are taking and, while I think anxiety is something he is going to struggle with for a long time in different ways, I know he can work through it with our support and the support of the school and his psychiatrist. There are going to be bumps and setbacks, but that is how these things work.

OP posts:
bagelbagelbagel · 27/01/2023 10:11

I would say tread carefully because if you have a child with a lot of markers for autism, and it seems very likely from what you say here OP, if you choose to treat them symptomatically, without diagnosis, you risk kicking the issue further down the road at a more crucial time eg GCSES, A Levels, Uni.

Just something to have your eye on, but while you're at the flinging everything at it stage I would literally fling everything, including a multi disciplinary assessment for ASD.

LoveMyADHD · 27/01/2023 10:15

usernamebore · 27/01/2023 09:20

@Zib Thank you - still steadily improving, though with that classic "saw-tooth" up and down recovery. He volunteered to be one of the 4 kids representing his form in the inter-form literature quiz, and ended up winning the first round, which was a really good sign of his progress. It was a high-pressure, fingers on the buzzers lunchtime event, so were really proud of him for doing it! We are back to dropping off at the gate (just!) and he is definitely interacting more with his peers (though he still refuses to designate anyone more than "acquaintance +" 😂

Wow!! Amazing improvement! Bet it does wonders for his confidence …

massive well done!

in terms of autism comments …. Every time a kid is facing a challenge, he’s called autistic, no comment! 😉

Lougle · 27/01/2023 12:59

My DD, who is autistic, refuses to consider anyone more than an 'acquaintance'.

Original poster
usernamebore · 27/01/2023 13:31

He does have people he calls “friends”, but these are from his old school. He just says he does not know these new kids well enough yet

OP posts:
Zib · 27/01/2023 17:23

Hurrah for the steady improvement, and long may the ups be a bit bigger than the downs.

Original poster
usernamebore · 22/07/2023 13:25

Just wanted to stop by and update things, not least because I think it is important and useful to acknowledge when we are wrong.

So long story short, while things got a lot better over the year, and he did amazingly academically, it became more and more clear there were sensory issues for him, as well as problems with changes to routine and interacting with his peers, that suggested to us, the school, and his therapist, that he might be autistic. We did a full NICE-guideline ASD assessment (private as obviously the wait for NHS was insane - so we are now bankrupt 😂) and got the result this week that he is.

In a way it is a relief as it explains what has been happening, and why the CBT and exposure therapy was not working in the way it should. We are not planning to move schools just yet, as we are hoping that we can work with them, and Ed Psyc and the SENCO etc to get supports in place which mean he can stay. He loves his teachers, is making friends etc, and we think a move might make things worse. But we are keeping things under advisement.

so I am now ordering books left right and center to learn about ASD, we are looking into what is there in the Borough etc and are hopefully now all moving forward in the right direction.

wish us luck, and thanks to all of you for your help and support.

OP posts:
Schoolschoice · 22/07/2023 23:27

Thats a great update to read OP and wishing you all very well for the future Flowers

Clymene · 22/07/2023 23:56

That's very grown up and magnanimous of you @usernamebore. For me/my child having a diagnosis hasn't changed the person he is but it acts as a useful shorthand to helping others understand the difficulties he may have.

I hope his school is able to provide the scaffolding he needs as he grows up.

fedupallthisrubbish · 23/07/2023 07:24

If your child likes routine and very fixed I'd be buying ASD books.

If your child highly anxious - very demand avoidant / sensory - I'd be buying books under the topic pda. I've literally got hundreds these are my favourite

Laura Kirby pda
Clare Truman
Eliza fricker
N. Fisher

Instragram - missing the mark.

Good luck - don't push too hard his mental health will break. Then it will take months / years to get out of burn out.

Sometimes school isn't worth it ..... as there is other options

Did he get tested for adhd too? Sometimes go hand in hand and you can medicate to help for that ....

Zib · 14/09/2023 18:41

Hi OP, I’m not sure why, but I thought of your ds today as our dc are both in year 8 now. I hope year 8 is going as well as possible for you all. Brew

Original poster
usernamebore · 15/09/2023 14:09

@Zib Thanks - we ended up pulling him from his school at the last minute just before term started, as they unfortunately really just did not seem to get it. Lots of "well in the real world he will have to learn to deal with xyz so we need to make him do it etc", which is just stupid. We also received advice from a number of autism specialists that his particular profile (which means he gets very overwhelmed on a sensory basis, to the extent it is physically painful for him, for example) meant that a big, noisy secondary would never work and there was real danger of his mental health declining rapidly. He had started scratching and pinching himself and we were seeing a lot of scary signs of wider anxiety and trauma, so needed to act fast. We are starting at a hybrid school next week where he will be in one or two days a week and at home the rest doing online lessons, in small classes and in a much smaller school which has a lot of experience dealing with ND kids. We still have a long way to go, and he is still really anxious about starting at his new school on Monday, but hopefully it will be for the best.

OP posts:
Ilovechoc12 · 15/09/2023 14:43

Oh well done to pull him out OP.

You have a really bright lovely boy - I’m sure this new school will be the making of him and if not there is still lots of other options.

He will be very appreciative in a few years that you’re not forcing him into an environment that’s not working.

Yes NT staff / schools just don’t understand it (they try on mental health days 😂 and do nice insta posts) but If you haven’t lived with a ND person you have no bloody idea what stress they are under / the family.

I wish him the very best and for all your family to enjoy your time
together.

please keep us updated 👍 I hope once he is settled everything will be good.

TheOutlaws · 15/09/2023 14:59

Hi OP, good to read your update. I hope the hybrid approach is working for your DS.

I first read your thread last year and your initial post immediately flagged up autism in my mind. I work with children with EBSNA (school avoidance) and they all have autism diagnoses, it’s the one thing they have in common with each other. It seems to have worsened considerably since Covid; perhaps because parents are working from home more?

Additionally, I just wanted to mention that GAD is highly correlated with autism. I have friends with GAD diagnoses who I think would benefit from an autism assessment.

I wish you all the best and hope your DS goes from strength to strength.

Wishingitcolder · 15/09/2023 15:14

Sorry to hear he didn’t settle but glad you can move forward now post diagnosis and hopefully the hybrid school will work. I wish we could do that my DD is same age struggling in a mainstream even with huge amounts of support and on a very reduced timetable but has just secured a EHCP.

Original poster
usernamebore · 15/09/2023 16:24

@Ilovechoc12 @TheOutlaws Thanks both. It is fascinating for me to read this thread back now. I think, like many people, I really did not understand what autism was, particularly the less "typical" ways it can present (it was reading something from the Autistic Girls Network in particular which was a lightbulb moment for me). My spectrum comments upthread make we wince now I have actually done some reading on the subject...In my defence, I was also being thoroughly gaslit by his therapist, who basically told me, when I raised possible autism concerns back in February, that that was just my catastophising anxiety playing up, and I was wrong. That fact that she knew nothing about ASC, and was fleecing us for huge amounts of money per session where she was doing very little, didnt help either.

Since we got the diagnosis, and learnt more about it, it is as obvious to us as it was to some people in this thread....The fact that we just got his new school uniform, he tried on the sport polo and immediately started crying because it was so painfully itchy, says it all really. And now we know to email the school immediately and to find alternatives, rather that telling him to suck it up....

We worry, of course, about being at home all day 4 days a week. Not least because there is a side of him that is getting a bit misanthropic (other people suck etc) and agoraphobic (I think he would just sit on his bed inventing new pokemon creatures all day if he could), which might not be helped by that set-up. But ultimately, last year was traumatic for him, and he needs time to get himself together and rebuild. To be fair to him, I think most people suck too...

Monday will be interesting for us all, and I am sure there will be a fair bit of anxiety about the new school, new teachers etc, not least because so much is unknown and uncertain, but hopefully after a couple of weeks we will get into the new routine.

OP posts:
Wishingitcolder · 15/09/2023 17:13

@usernamebore if you haven’t already do have a look at Dr Naomi Fishers social media and “missing the mark”. They write about many of the issues you have mentioned. Does you son like online gaming? My Dd plays Roblox with her friends online often whilst on a phone call with them at the same time. They are all Autistic girls chatting away playing these random games but it’s done wonders for her feeling “socially” connected.
For clothes M&S do some sensory clothes for school uniform but I mostly seek out super soft fabrics & waist bands for my DD. We like the heattech thermals from Uniqlo they are really soft but comfy.

Wishingitcolder · 15/09/2023 17:15

Also have a look at “sensory diet” it’s not necessary food Stuff it’s things your child may need to do during the day to get sensory feedback. My DD likes spinning, balance board, a stretchy body sock, hanging from monkey bars plus eating frozen peas… all very random but it helps her to regulate herself. She’s very academically bright but struggles to keep that focus all day without these regular sensory breaks at school.

Mary19 · 15/09/2023 19:33

Hope all goes well next week. It is hard to give up a coveted school but it sounds like the right decision. Your Ds probably need lots of recovery time in the security of home so a low stress environment is probably key. Have you looked at autism for yourself. I know you have mentioned your own anxiety. I only mention it as I was diagnosed after my older Ds. I think it has helped both DS to know I was also autistic. Of course I don’t know you so could be irrelevant. Anyway good luck Monday

Zib · 16/09/2023 08:37

OP you’ve had a hard road this last year - all good wishes for the new setup and I hope that it helps your ds thrive.

Ilovechoc12 · 16/09/2023 17:30

Hi sorry to gate crash this - but how did you work out those things for your child?

I’ve got a boy diagnosed with sensory issues and a hundred other things. From an OT who is sensory trained but has never mentioned those things ….

But do you have a book you can recommend?

thank you - ps he hates peas - but maybe I’ll try sweetcorn as he likes ice! So thank you 🥰

Ilovechoc12 · 16/09/2023 17:31

Sorry that for for @Wishingitcolder the note above. Thank you

Alyosha · 16/09/2023 19:37

HI OP. I had this as a school child, although not as dramatically. I had a terrible fear of my parents dying. I felt like this because it felt like everyone around me was dying - grandparents, friends, friends parents, my parents' friends...there was a bad run with several deaths when I was in year 5/6. I became terrified that my parents had died if they were even only slightly late, I was very unwilling to do after school events and I was very upset if I got home and my parents weren't there (my mum, in her wisdom, hadn't given me keys - so I went to and from school without keys until year 9 and if my mum was trapped on the tube I would have to sit on the doorstep!).

What helped - nothing but time. My parents continued to encourage me to go to events, and eventually I came out the other side, I think about year 8/9. The run of deaths receded in my mind and memory too. Best of luck, I hope your son feels better soon.