11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

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Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

DD2 has ASD. She's always struggled in school but she hit a wall art the beginning of year 10. She got to Christmas, then couldn't go in on the first day back. She gradually reduced her time in school, with the anxiety spiralling. Eventually school told me to stop trying to get her in because it was damaging her.

We applied for an EHCP and the LA eventually placed her in a very small independent specialist school. She's in a class of 3, with 35 total in school. She's only been there 3 weeks, but she's coping with the gradual increase of her timetable and actually looks forward to going.

May be worth mentioning that my son is also possibly autistic although we don't have a diagnosis as he has sensory processing disorder and dyspraxia so a lot of the symptoms overlap. We are keeping an eye on him but at the moment he isn't just managing, he is thriving. Hopefully your son will be the same in a very short time.

I hope the call goes well this morning, OP. I would absolutely let him sleep in your bed if that's what it takes to help him relax and get some sleep, because being exhausted only exacerbates the anxiety. I also agree that not moving schools doesn't sound like the right option at this stage – with our DD, we never entertained that because we knew the core issue was making her feel safe away from us. It wasn't just about school. She didn't want to go to friends' houses or even to stay overnight with her grandparents, which is what you said your son is doing in your first post. Have you consider asking him if he wants a friend to come to yours for tea or to go to the cinema or something? Breaking the routine of her coming home and getting upset about going to school the next day really helped our DD.

I feel for you all so much. Getting through this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do as a parent. But we did, and I know you will too. x

Thanks again everyone. Call this morning went well, and we are going to proceed with the therapist on a weekly basis (all our savings are going to go down the drain though at £350 a session!). This morning dropoff was ok - no tears at all until the moment I left him in the nurses office, but when he called at break time he was in good spirits, which is great. Therapist thinks the death of his grandfather (after a protracted and frankly awful illness and decline which he witnessed on an almost daily basis as we live 5min from them) , plus the house move this summer, plus covid and plus the new school on top of an already anxious temperament has just created something of a "perfect storm" which we will just need to take some time to work through. Keeping the supports we have in place is key (otherwise she said we would be kicking the chair out from under him) and only removing them slowly at a pace which works for him. So am feeling a bit more hopeful today, though still a very long way to go and I know tonight and tomorrow morning may well be bad again.

@Youaremysunshine14 we have tried re friends, but he gets super anxious at the idea of inviting someone over, so we are not pushing yet. We totally agree that trying to find a way to build friendships outside of school is key, but we are not there yet unfortunately.

Ah that sounds hopeful then. Sounds like a hell of a lot for him to deal with bless him. I'm sure you will get there. One Fay you will look back and see just how far he has come.

I think I'd have him in your bed for now - or in your room in his bed if you can move it in. Without sleep things will just be and feel 100 times worse for him. He's not going to want to stay in your bed forever so I'd allow that one while continuing to take him to school. This just sounds so awful for him, well done for being so proactive. £350 for one session sounds hugely expensive, I hope they're more than just a therapist at that price.

Thanks. Fingers crossed the rest of the day and tomorrow go ok. Of course now I am getting anxious about the fact that they have tests starting next week and revision for that is supposed to be going on every night, but the poor guy is only just making it through the day as it is. Failing or getting bad marks on all these tests will only make things worse. I wish these schools did not push the kids so hard from day one….

Is your son getting a good amount of exercise Username? It's so helpful to dishcarge anxiety and also really helps with sleep. Walking or cycling together can also open a relaxed place for talking. Have you got any pets? Attachments with animals can be helpful too.

OP, I really feel for your situation but re the 1/2 term tests it's important to remember that your ds is in a selective school and passed a test to be there. Hence he will do fine in the tests even without any prep, there isn't a bad mark or fail anyway, instead if his mark was low they may ask him to resit after 1/2 term and you would have the break at home to prepare. Keep the dialogue open with his class teacher as much as possible.

Maybe he needs to be in a less pushy school. Nothing is more important than his mental health.

Three ok mornings in with no tears, thankfully. Still having to have the handover in the nurses office and calling me at break and lunch, but no panic attacks or meltdowns. I expect we will have one again on Monday, but good to have a bit of respite. Sad thing is he told me he basically hides out at break and lunch in the nurses office or head of year office and is too scared/intimidated to interact with any of his peers. I have to focus on the good point being he is in school, but I wish we could find a way for him to make friends as I know that would help massively. Problem is if you suggest someone coming over or meeting some classmates somewhere he freaks out. Poor thing.

So glad to hear things have calmed somewhat. Please keep a positive attitude.

Getting your son involved with friends is a great idea. Have you asked the teachers about this? There must be another kid looking for company, and maybe they could pair them together a bit.

Also, your son is just about at an age where you could meet another school mum for a coffee somewhere outdoors and both bring the kids to hang out. It's a very informal playdate and maybe they get along?

Mainstream school is not right for many children. Keeping unhappy kids at school isn't the answer. School is not a given. Just like adults, everyone is different and just like many adults who don't like certain types of working environments, kids don't always like mainstream school.
There is a whole world of alternatives out there. Home Ed, hybrid, alternative systems. In london you'll have more choice than anywhere, especially if you can afford school fees.
I say all this as a home Ed/ hybrid alternative school mum who used to have kids in prep school. Be open minded. Taking my unhappy kid out of a really lovely prep school to learn differently was the best thing we ever did. We've never looked back.
Good luck,

Second what @vanHalen said about engineering a meet up at this age, I did a few park hangouts with other new Yr7 parents in the first term which meant he could hang out with some potential friends with me around as a safety net (school have a list of new parents so I stalked them on there). Only 121 nothing overwhelming.
DS' school also have a programme where they try and match-make likeminded kids with kids who are struggling, maybe your school does similar? Ours also provide a member of staff to accompany anxious kids to a lunchtime club they fancy trying (under the guise of them being there as general supervision) to build their confidence, would they do that? Failing that, what about the library? Ours have word/board game sessions every lunch where quieter kids can pop in and just watch or join in, the library staff are fab and it's obvs a very chilled environment for anxious kids.

Well done for this week though sounds like you've made some great progress, hope you can relax a bit this wkend.

Thanks both - good suggestions. Poor thing is jittery today (he woke up before 6am as usual - no matter what time he goes to bed he always wakes up super early and has done since he was little. Now I think it may be anxiety related….) and clearly feeling down which breaks my heart. Going to try and find something fun to do to cheer him up…

Op I really sympathise, my dd is the same age and recently started secondary school. She had a terrible time during lockdown with anxiety, insomnia, panic, feeling depressed and meltdowns / behaviour issues. We already knew she was naturally very anxious but had also suspected ASD for years. She's very good at masking at school and that's what stalled us getting a diagnosis, but eventually she was diagnosed with asd as well as anxiety. It was such a horrible time and so heartbreaking to witness your child in such distress, but over a period of time things did improve and we've all learned valuable coping skills. It's ongoing and I'm always managing her anxiety but it has gradually improved and she also has meltdowns a lot less than she used to.

When she started school again after the first lockdown she was put in a class with no other friends, it was a very big primary with 4 classes in a year group and she's never been a girly girl into things a lot of her peers are into so that didn't help with her gelling easily with other girls based on shared interests. I had to be very proactive about helping her make friends and having friends is key to her wanting to be at school. School Facebook groups and social media was very helpful for getting in touch with other mums about meeting up as at that point she didn't have a phone. I also had to pretty much coach her on conversation starters and skills to help make new friends. I remember her asking if I could invite one girl round to play in year 5 and I had no idea who her parents were, so I ended up sending a note in with dd for her friend to give her mum with my number on and an invitation for a play date! You can't really do that at secondary age but does your ds have a phone? Since she started secondary school having a phone has really helped dd start contact with potential friends outside of school as well as seeing them at school. They seem to love sharing memes and funny pics, and exchanging roblox and Minecraft usernames so they can then game together. Are there any games your ds is into? Hobbies and interests? They do seem to have a very online portion of life these days and seems part of their identities and culture which was alien to me! Obviously there's the need to safeguard with the digital world.

I'd pm you op but don't think I can anymore without membership? There's a very good Facebook group for parents supporting children with anxiety and a course parents can do to learn ways to support their child with anxiety, I can't remember the name off the top of my head but will look it up tomorrow. Sending hugs op please know you and your ds are not alone

Just by way of update for those following things - we do seem to be making progress. We have had 5 mornings in a row without meltdowns, and the level of fear does seem to have fallen. The school have been incredible - really hands on and supportive and I had a lovely call from his head of year last night to tell me how wonderful a kid he was and that she was really proud of him. We have a private therapist booked every Friday afternoon (which means he misses rugby so is happy about that!) and have been working on CBT/ACT approaches with him at home. He still calls twice a day and I have to bring him in to the nurse at the start of the day, but he is now going in in a relatively positive mood, which makes a massive difference. Still a long way to go, but we do seem to be getting there slowly.

This is excellent news, so pleased things are going a bit better for you both. In our experience when the school are supportive it makes a huge difference and it really is about small steps - slow and steady wins the race. My DS still pops in to see his SEN leader on the mornings he feels a bit wobbly, she's always happy to see him and help him relax.
I'm sure your DS will continue to improve but just a heads up that if he does have a hiccup further down the line, please don't panic! First time my DS had a 'relapse' after the initial panic attacks I thought we were doomed all over again but he bounced back quite quickly and continues to do so with increased resiliance, and I'm sure your DS will too xx

We are having ups and downs. And a bad day today after a few days of not so bad. School not that supportive. A CRA helped him in a few times but they said that had to stop as she had another job to do, but no other alternatives given. Feel like we've been left on our own a bit unfort. It's hard.

so glad to read the update. hang in there

Hard days after some better days always feel worse. This morning was rough - he is fighting a nasty cold and cough, which did not help, but the anxiety is making him accentuate it and retch etc and I know we cant give in and let him have the day off. He has two tests today too, which he is really worried about, and that is just making everything worse. The journey in to school this morning (in the rain, with delayed buses, of course!) was very hard. Lots of tears, and interestingly (for the first time really) anger with me for making him go in. But no full blown panic/screaming which I can maybe see as progress (?) He seems to put so much pressure on himself about these tests - he is terrified of not doing well and having to re-do it/the teacher be angry with him etc. I don't know how to help him get past that and realise he just has to do his best and, even if he does have to re-do a test, that is not a big deal. But this morning all I wanted to do was give in, take the day off work myself, and crawl back into bed with him and hide from the day...But I know that will just make everything worse as we will have the same problem tomorrow morning, but now with the added issue of "we took yesterday off because I was sick, and today I feel even worse, so why do I have to go in?" . It is so hard. I cried for a good 5min after dropping him off this morning, and now have a brutal and stressful day of work to get through...

The lack of panic is definitely progress. We had similar - after my DS's initial full on panic attacks, once we settled into our new drop off routine on the bad days he often said he was angry. He still does! Everyone assumed he was scared but he wasn't, he was really bloody cross a lot of the time. Not just with me, but with himself for not being able to handle the anxiety and with the whole idea of having to go in when he didn't want to. Especially when there was some form of test involved.
My son is also a perfectionist (which often goes hand in hand with anxiety), and has similar stresses about assessments. School let him do them in a separate room which helps a bit.
I spent so many mornings biting through my lip to stop myself crying in front of him until he was in and then sobbing all the way home. It is so emotionally exhausting as a parent. Could your partner do some of the drop offs at all? Mine did try, though we decided I was better at dealing with it in the end, it did give me a break from time to time.

@tpmumtobe Thanks for your kind message - which really helps. It sounds like we have had very similar experiences.
I have to do the drop off as my wife just cant cope with it. She has always had an almost visceral response to him being upset, and has mental health struggles herself which make things much harder. I feel like, as difficult as it is for me, I can do it and at least that takes some of the pressure off her.
His anger was (probably understandably) because we would likely have let him have the day off primary school if he had a bad cold/cough and was feeling as rubbish as he was, so he didnt understand why things were different now. I explained why things are a bit different at secondary and why, unless you have fever or vomiting etc, you have to go in, but he was mad as hell with me for making him. If he did not have the anxiety/school refusal issues I may well have let him stay at home for a day, but I feel like I cant because we will just end up in a worse situation tomorrow. It is so hard.
I spoke to him on the phone just now (it is break time) and it turns out they did not have the french test as it was a cover lesson, so now he is fixating on the German test and getting himself super anxious about it. All I can do is encourage him and tell him to take it one step at a time. Hopefully he does well enough to pass so that we can keep moving forward. If we can just get to half term he can at least get some rest (though next half term is going to be hard - the homework doubles to an hour a night for a start!). We are going to let him sleep in our bed this week too, just to help with the sickness etc. But the poor thing is exhausted, sick and overwhelmed.

God. I just had him on the phone in tears, saying he is so tired, so sick and so scared. I just dont know what to do. He did the first part of the German test then left to go to the nurses office, so missed the listening test. And he is terrified about a history essay he has to write later this week, which apparently makes up 80% of his progress report, but if he misses tomorrow he misses the lesson where the teacher explains what they need to do in the essay, which will just make everything worse.
This is just so hard. I dont know what to do. All I want is to let him rest at home but I am terrified that is just going to make his anxiety and school refusal worse. And falling behind in lessons will just make things even more difficult as well. My wife and I were both in tears and just feel completely lost.

OP it sounds so extreme😞 that maybe it's not worth forcing him? A bit of rest at home might let him recharge a bit? Or have you looked at online schools or that Portland hybrid school? Maybe it would suit your son better?