Called a ''Social Parasite'' -- for sending DC to grammar

[Basherbasher]

Ok, so long time lurker here. We live in a fully selective area (Kent) where around 25% of children go to the grammars, 10% go to independents, and 60-65% to the high schools (secondary moderns).

Up until fairly recently Kent had a couple of fully comprehensive schools, which were popular with left wing parents who did not support the 11+ system (St Simon Stock in Maidstone and Homewood Comp in Tenterden). SSS is a Christian school, Homewood a community comp drawing from a wide area. My family and friendship circle have always tended to favour these two comprehensives, shunning the grammars. Historically both schools would send pupils to Russell Group universities each year, with St Simon Stock even sending 3-4 pupils per year to Oxbridge colleges.

Anyway, we opted to send our DC to a Maidstone grammar school. But we could never have anticipated the animosity this has resulted in both towards us as parents and to our son. We have even been called 'social parasites' for our decision to send our child to a grammar.

My question is: is this accusation made against gs parents of being or acting like a 'social parasite' something which is a typically held view amongst parents who are supportive of comprehensive or community schools? Does anyone else feel guilty or a sense of shame for having sent their child to grammar school?

Things have become so bad and this is causing such a rift in the family that I am tempted to uproot DS from his grammar school and relocate over the border to Sussex (fully comprehensive area). To be clear this isn't an issue of jealousy or envy as many of our friends and family are professionals with highly able children who could have passed for the grammars. It is much more of a political issue in the sense that we are seen (as a family) as having behaved selfishly and snobbishly.

Thank you,

Basher

Forget what other people say. Your family should be supportive not acting like children themselves. It sounds like they are jealous even if they claim it's something else.

Do what's best for your kids.

I wouldn’t be so rude as to say anything to your face but I would silently judge you. Testing at 11 to decide academic potential is wrong and unreliable. Labelling 65% of children as failures at age 11 is immoral. It’s your choice though.

Good grief you'd really uproot yourselves because of what others think about your (perfectly normal) choice of school? Please ignore those people whoever they are. You know what's best for your own DS.

It's a divisive system. These are the arguments it creates.

I don't agree with grammar schools as a system, but absolutely support parents making the best choice for their own child within the system available.

Social parasite . You can't seriously be contemplating relocating your family to a comprehensive area, I don't believe you.

It's really not jealousy - they are all teachers, professionals, well qualified in their respective fields. It is much more of a political thing. There is a good number, hard to quantify but I'd say 3 or 4 in every 10 parents in Mid-Kent, who are STEP supporters/on that side of the 11+ debate. Schools like Stocky and Homewood have traditionally been left wing islands in a sea of selection.

I don't agree with grammar schools, because they are not a fair representation of children, IMO- the testing is usually coached, and it's not a cross section of children, it's a particular type of child, who then gets better opportunities, they financially already have at home, also at school. However, I wouldn't judge someone for going to or sending their kids to one

I should say I haven't clarified their exact meaning of that term 'social parasite' - but I take it to mean that we are perceived as trying to gain a 'class' advantage or a 'distinction/differentiation' for our DS over other children in the area.

If that's what they mean then, yes, I get what they are saying, but there aren't comprehensive options available to us now in Kent. This wasn't always the case (SSS and Homewood provided a comprehensive option for parents for many years).

I would definitely not do what you have done but equally I would not show any negativity to you for making that decision

If your child is thriving in the grammar school environment, leave well alone. You made the original decision for a reason (you didn't want to indulge in left-wing virtue-signalling maybe?) knowing what your judgemental circle were likely to think.
If your child is settled, they do not deserve to be uprooted because of the political views of your family and friends, I would suggest you get some more open-minded friends.

There is the very real appeal of quality comprehensives in some very nice and leafy market towns without all this nonsense and divisiveness...

Urgh. That’s the system in Kent. They need to grow up.

I do not agree with grammar schools. I would not use the term social parasite but I think grammar schools are wrong. I just feel extremely lucky to live in a comprehensive area.

I can not say with certainty if I would move out of a grammar area if I loved the area or had family ties, but I would definitely not want to move to a grammar area and feel so grateful not to be part of what is a truly dreadful system.

I do judge parents who send their kids to grammars, if I am honest. I think people who are happy to benefit from a corrupt/dysfunctional system have some culpability for its continuation and the harm it causes.

Which was the case before you entered your son into the whole grammar system 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well Ss selects through being a Catholic school and Hw has a grammar plus and a grammar stream, has done for many years, so not sure this argument holds any weight!

If it wasn’t this, they would judge you on something else. You won’t be able to vindicate yourselves no matter what you do, so just make sure they know that you don’t care (… and then make sure that you stop caring yourself). You haven’t done anything wrong. Enjoy the school and good luck to your dc.

Says more about the characters of the people being judgemental than about yours.

My opinion? All my dc are at or went to the local comprehensive, despite us being in a grammar area and two of my dc definitely having the ability to go to grammar. But we felt the comp was a far better fit for them than the grammars. End of. You chose the school you felt best for your dc. End of.

It's daft to insist that everyone have identical education. We need plumbers as well as surgeons. The disappointment or hurt a child might feel upon not getting a grammar place reflects their parents' attitudes and parenting. It does not label them a 'failure' unless the parents present it that way.

No doubt your friends would judge me for deliberately moving to an area with good comprehensives.

Forget it. Dont move him. How strange. I live in a left wing grammar area. We all just crack on with things without judging. My ds is going to a grammar school but everyone has been lovely about it and congratulated him for doing well.

We have good non grammar schools here so maybe people don't need to be bitter or jealous because they are secure in their choices for their dc.

I would not be friends with such rude people. Ice them out. As for family just agree to disagree and say that you aren't about to start telling them how to live their lives and you'd thank them for keeping their thoughts to themselves from now on.

I went to a grammar school in Kent and was neither coached or tutored, nor privileged. I was one of the few girls that went there who lived on a council estate. Would I do the same for my kids? No (in Sussex now) but would I have wanted to be uprooted and moved because of other people's opinions? Absolutely not.

It has historically been full on school warfare down here in Maidstone and Mid-Kent between the few comps and the grammars. Many STEP members, left-wing professional parents and Labour politicians in the area, have had a hugely influential effect on the politics of the area and the schools admissions processes. I would be grateful to hear from people in a similar position who had no choice other than to go for a selective school, or a secondary modern. As I said, today we have no comprehensive options available to us in this area. This was not always the case. We are in a very difficult position.

It's attitudes like this that baffle me. I live in a grammar area. I didn't move here for the schools. I moved here for the affordable house prices, then I had dc and 10 years later had the ball ache of tutoring etc. I'm close to Manchester City centre and house prices are now extortionate. I can't afford to move. Nor would I want to. So I fit in with the school system here. Not sure why that makes me worthy of judgement.

The choice for you was a grammar, faith school or a secondary modern. You made the best choice for your child. Get better friends, the ones you describe sound judgemental and a wee bit hysterical.

There's no grammar schools in my area, if there were i would definitely have prepared my children for 11+ why wouldn't you seek the best education your child can get?

On the flip side I didn't have to make the choice so I was able to choose a secondary on other merits.

In an area with grammar schools the best education for bright kids will be grammar school so it's a no brainer to me.

I totally get the objection to testing at 11 but while grammar schools exist then people will do it to maximise opportunities for their kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow - things have changed a lot if that is being thrown around now! I went to an Ashford Grammar, my sister went to Homewood and my mum taught there until she retired a decade ago. I never thought of Homewood as any different from any other non-selective, other than it managed to create a much better press about itself than may have been warranted (and it used to have a Chair of Governors who was so anti-11+ that he just came across as slightly unhinged in the local paper). "Back in the day" SSS was only accessible to Catholics (and a Greek Orthodox family I knew) with a letter from their priests! Keep your DS in grammar if he is happy there and ignore other's views. Different schools suit different students, and if he is naturally academic, grammar would be the natural choice. It doesn't make any other student a failure for not gaining entry, as academia is far from the only measure of success or attainment.