Called a ''Social Parasite'' -- for sending DC to grammar

[Basherbasher]

Ok, so long time lurker here. We live in a fully selective area (Kent) where around 25% of children go to the grammars, 10% go to independents, and 60-65% to the high schools (secondary moderns).

Up until fairly recently Kent had a couple of fully comprehensive schools, which were popular with left wing parents who did not support the 11+ system (St Simon Stock in Maidstone and Homewood Comp in Tenterden). SSS is a Christian school, Homewood a community comp drawing from a wide area. My family and friendship circle have always tended to favour these two comprehensives, shunning the grammars. Historically both schools would send pupils to Russell Group universities each year, with St Simon Stock even sending 3-4 pupils per year to Oxbridge colleges.

Anyway, we opted to send our DC to a Maidstone grammar school. But we could never have anticipated the animosity this has resulted in both towards us as parents and to our son. We have even been called 'social parasites' for our decision to send our child to a grammar.

My question is: is this accusation made against gs parents of being or acting like a 'social parasite' something which is a typically held view amongst parents who are supportive of comprehensive or community schools? Does anyone else feel guilty or a sense of shame for having sent their child to grammar school?

Things have become so bad and this is causing such a rift in the family that I am tempted to uproot DS from his grammar school and relocate over the border to Sussex (fully comprehensive area). To be clear this isn't an issue of jealousy or envy as many of our friends and family are professionals with highly able children who could have passed for the grammars. It is much more of a political issue in the sense that we are seen (as a family) as having behaved selfishly and snobbishly.

Thank you,

Basher

Also, what Labour politicians in Maidstone? The place is awash with Tories.

You are not in a difficult position unless your children cannot get into the selective school. A good parent does whatever is best for their individual child within their means at the time within whichever system they find themselves.
You can get into Oxbridge from a comp (I did) but I reckon I would have had to sit through far fewer disruptive classes en route in a selective Grammar School.

This with bells on.

Maidstone and The Weald is a Tory area, but there is also a significant Labour/Socialise minority who tended to send their children to the comprehensives, as did many of the STEP supporters and Labour councillors...

I meant Socialist.

So what? Lots of people in 'Comprehensive' Sussex will use private schools instead because there are no Grammars and the Comps won't be 'leafy' everywhere....disruptive classes also exist in the better state schools.
Funnily enough it is quite common for people to moderate their views on the selective/private education issue when they have children of school age. A real child in front of you with real needs does wonders for focussing the mind. Even at my most left-wing, I could still understand why someone would do what seemed best for their child. It is normal for a parent to care more about their child than others' political prejudices. Your child gets one chance at their education.

Do these people live in naice areas where the catchment area is full of lovely middle class kids from expensive houses? I think when it comes to their own kids people are really very focussed on getting their kids the best education they can, that may be in grammar that may not. Diane Abbott and her private schooled son spring to mind.

Unless you have been vocally anti- grammar in the past I wouldn’t bat an eyelid tbh. There is a system, you have a limited number of options, you take the one that you think is best for your child. Don’t let it affect you, it’s absolutely none of their business. I really do hope they won’t be helping their children with deposits for housing or inheritances or using their connections to get their kids work experience or financially supporting their kids through uni etc. cos y’know unearned privilege and all that.

So I’m in Scotland where we don’t have grammar schools any longer and I’m always quite shocked that they still exist in England. But I think it’s completely unacceptable for someone to call you a parasite (of any sort) - they don’t agree with your choice, that’s fine but that language is just rude and abusive. The issue they have is with the system but you made what you felt was the best choice for your child within that system. They can campaign to change that system but personally attacking you is not reasonable.

Sadly, I don’t think there are enough Maidstone socialists to fill the local Costa. I think DH and I are probably the only Labour voters in our village and we sent our kids to the grammar.

The Kent system stinks.

We have a family member who narrowly missed out on the marks needed for grammar at 11+. She was then in the tricky position of being bright with few peers to bounce off in the secondary modern/high school. She wasn't put in for the higher papers for some GCSEs etc. It really limited her

Comprehensives are so much better imo. We love in a fully comp area and my DC are top sets and getting good teaching and stretch but have friends of all academic and other abilities including SEND. There are grammar schools within an hour journey from us but I genuinely don't understand the appeal and I really don't think any educational advantage is worth the long bus trips, lack of local friends and the divisions created.

You do whatever is best for your child!! I went to a grammar school from a poor background, I wasn't tutored. When I had my children I lived about a mile over the border from where that system was still in place, when I had my first baby I heard the children coming out of the local comp and swore

3peasuit, how do you explain then all the lefty parents who sent their children to St Simon Stock and to schools like Homewood over many years? And their good Oxbridge hit rate when (fully) comprehensive?

I hate the grammar school system but it is absolutely disgraceful of people to criticize your choice in such a judgemental way. I hate faith schools too but I would never call people names for sending their kids there! It's not even like you're sending your kids over a border to a grammar school area, as happens in my area (and I don't judge because children should get the education they need as individuals). I am as left wing as they come but it is not achieving any left wing aims to pillory people for sending their kids to the school they see fit.

They aren’t being labelled as failures are they? Just as less suited to a highly academic environment.

I say that as someone who has never lived in an area with grammar schools but it seems an odd comment

Agree 1 is very young to decide on academic potential.

anyway yes you have made your decision now you should stand by it and not uproot your kids because of your own discomfort.

I live in an area with grammar schools. It's a decisive issue.
I'd prefer the system didn't exist but it does.
We decided to put DD in for the 11+ and see how she did. She did remarkably well..
She's now attending grammar school and on course for excellent grades. It's not without faults, but academically it has suited her perfectly.
I avoid getting into conversations about the school and DD's results unless it's with close friends or parents who have made similar decisions. One friend made a very scathing comment during a conversation about some minor grumble I was having (her child was then at the local comp, which is a good school)..as this child is now at a highly selective 6th form I wonder if her values have shifted.
I'm happy with sending my DD to a grammar. It's still a state school after all, just geared up to a cohort who are more academically inclined. The local comp is decent and actually has a more interesting range of GCSE's as it's a much bigger school. I get the impression that the high schools locally each have their own distinctive brand and beyond yr7 no one really cares that much. Local kids mix socially across the schools without any fuss.
Beyond the 11+ bearpit it's not a big deal.

St Simon Stock is Catholic and many families still want their children to be brought up in the faith. Homewood is in Tenterden which is a fair distance from the nearest Grammar. It would be too far to travel for Maidstone DCs. The last offsted stated that Homewood required improvement.

Some PP believe they are "lucky" to live in a Comprehensive area. I considered my youngest DS to be lucky to go to the Grammar. My eldest DS went to one of the local Secondaries. He was bullied relentlessly but still wanted to stay there to do his 'A' levels but his school didn't allow him to follow his subject choices; so he went to the local Grammar. He told me it was the best thing he did because the support he received was far superior to the Secondary.

Hi OP, I’m in Kent too! I get it. Ridiculous system isn’t it, but we play the game with the cards we’re dealt.

Please keep your child at the grammar. They worked hard to pass the exam and have earned their place. If you don’t let your child accept it, your child may be bitter towards you about it later - I would be! Moving area, and presumably taking them away from their friends, to put an academically talented child into a less academic school - just to satisfy adult critics! - would be terrible parenting.

The family/friends giving you a hard time about it are awful. Their argument makes no sense. Might as well say that you’re a social parasite if you send your child to an outstanding comprehensive. “Why didn’t you choose an inner city failing school?” they could demand to know…

I suspect what this is really about is reverse snobbery. Those giving you a hard time are angry because they feel “You think you’re better than us / cleverer than us / your kid will be higher income than ours.” They want to tear you down to make themselves feel better about their own lives. You can’t let their issues affect your child.

I think what's quite telling is that 70% of the comments here are in support of our decision to send DC to the grammar. This is mirrored by our experience of the local area, and as others have said, Maidstone is largely Tory, and I suspect Mumsnet is a bit too!

Also in Kent with a dd at grammar and no chance I’d move your child in your circs. I lost 2 friends over the divisive system and whilst that did sting I had to reflect that I hadn’t critiqued their choices, so no idea why they felt the need to be so involved with mine…

I live in a town in Kent very close to you ! My children all went to grammar school because they passed 11+ I absolutely do not apologise to anyone. They have had a great experience at school and were not tutored apart from the last term before taking the exam ! Too much misinformation about the exam and the schools concerned!

Why do you care what others think of your decision to educate your children.
I can't imagine even entertaining a conversation about this. You do whatever you feel is best for your kids, and your friends/family can do the same.

My oldest and youngest went to St Simon Stock, my middle one went to MGS. I wouldn't let anyone influence your decision, nobody influenced ours. There were good and bad things at both schools, but if I had my time again I would have sent DS2 to the Judd.

I’ve lived on the outskirts of Maidstone for years and I have never clapped eyes on a labour politician , in our ward Labour don’t even field a candidate for local elections !

Apollonia1, you'd probably care if you found yourself in our position. STEP and socialist families are very deeply principled and the grammar system exists in total opposition to socialist ideals and principles. But we do not have a comprehensive option available to us.

Grammar school parents (not all of them) are selfish to some degree (I would include ourselves in that by the way) as we are trying to achieve some sort of distinction or snobbery over other people. Or at least this is a motivating factor for the vast majority of parents at my DC's grammar. There is that need to feel apart from/different to/'above' other people. Some people's minds are wired to seek that differentiation/exclusiveness just as is the case with the private schools that is what you are paying for. This is very much seen in socialist and left wing schools (like your Stocky's and Homewoods) to be immoral and parasitic the charge we have born the brunt of.

So, it is a very specific type of feeling conflicted and guilty... you would need to be raised and be part of a socialist/community with a social conscience to understand how very immoral and wrong and divisive some people feel grammar schools to be. It's really hard to convey this, you'd need to experience this for yourself.