Called a ''Social Parasite'' -- for sending DC to grammar

[Basherbasher]

Ok, so long time lurker here. We live in a fully selective area (Kent) where around 25% of children go to the grammars, 10% go to independents, and 60-65% to the high schools (secondary moderns).

Up until fairly recently Kent had a couple of fully comprehensive schools, which were popular with left wing parents who did not support the 11+ system (St Simon Stock in Maidstone and Homewood Comp in Tenterden). SSS is a Christian school, Homewood a community comp drawing from a wide area. My family and friendship circle have always tended to favour these two comprehensives, shunning the grammars. Historically both schools would send pupils to Russell Group universities each year, with St Simon Stock even sending 3-4 pupils per year to Oxbridge colleges.

Anyway, we opted to send our DC to a Maidstone grammar school. But we could never have anticipated the animosity this has resulted in both towards us as parents and to our son. We have even been called 'social parasites' for our decision to send our child to a grammar.

My question is: is this accusation made against gs parents of being or acting like a 'social parasite' something which is a typically held view amongst parents who are supportive of comprehensive or community schools? Does anyone else feel guilty or a sense of shame for having sent their child to grammar school?

Things have become so bad and this is causing such a rift in the family that I am tempted to uproot DS from his grammar school and relocate over the border to Sussex (fully comprehensive area). To be clear this isn't an issue of jealousy or envy as many of our friends and family are professionals with highly able children who could have passed for the grammars. It is much more of a political issue in the sense that we are seen (as a family) as having behaved selfishly and snobbishly.

Thank you,

Basher

No way are you a 'social parasite' we live in Kent and that's the way things are.

The grammar system is not equitable and should be abolished but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't make the right decision for your child .Your family members have chosen selective schools themselves by living in certain areas and are being supremely twattish by acting in this smug manner. Ignore it and only move if that is your choice.

This thread recalls to mind Shami Chakraberti who vehemently opposed Grammar schools but had no qualms about sending her own DC to Dulwich College.

The grammar system is not equitable and should be abolished.

The grammar system is perfect for very bright children from families that prioritise education but can't or won't pay for private school or inflated house prices near outstanding comprehensives. Some kids are tutored, some aren't. Every single one of the kids who pass the 11+ are academically capable and /or have worked extremely hard to prepare.

Grammars are whole lot more equitable than having to pay 950K+ for 3-bed properties that are in catchment of outstanding comprehensives. I'd like to see more grammar schools, not less.

I think this is a wind up anyway.

Of course it is.

Name calling and bullying are unacceptable at any age. He and you have the right to pick what you consider the best school from the options available to you.

We live in an area with grammars. I'm in the conflicted position of letting DD rake the 11+ (I think she's capable of passing) because although I dislike the system we live in a very nice area that is outside the ever shrinking catchments of the good non-grammars. Anyone who doesn't take it or fails outside these shrinking catchments either has to be Catholic/religious, bus their child out of the city daily or fight over the remaining schools, all rated inadequate. The disparity is not the same in every area, but a large part of my distaste for the system is that if you're lucky to have a bright kid or money for tutoring (or a house close to, perhaps within a mile of certain schools) your kid gets a good school, and if you don't your kid gets a struggling school. Normally the kids who end up at these schools are the ones that actually need lots of support and input, but they won't get it in the schools everyone seems to have given up on. This is the conflict for me. I want to opt out of the system, but DD wants to take the test and I don't want to bus her two hours a day or put her in a school where half the kids don't even show up (genuinely, one of our nearest was put in special measures with this cited).

Every child should have access to decent education and support, and I don't know if we can achieve that whilst allowing certain schools to cream of the best pupils, pull in many more generally wealthy families and create such a divide in perception and attainment.

I say this as the total hypocrite I am still trying to play the system for my own child.

If you truly feel so conflicted and believe your DS has ongoing issues with his school, where would you propose to move to specifically? Does it matter how ‘good’ any comprehensive school is rated or do you feel that it is a race to the bottom and an underperforming school will be best? You must know that however you exercise this move, you may either be feeding a different unfair system (eg buying into an area with a good comprehensive) or feeding into your socialist friends beliefs by buying into an area with a failing school and leaving your DS to carry that cross…..

I would never criticise anyone who lived close to a grammar for sending their kids there, it's a perfectly understandable choice. I say that as someone who strongly disagrees with the existence of GS's in the 21st century

I think this is a wind up. "Carry that cross"?

On the basis it's not, why are you "stigmatising" children? Have you said your child is better than the children at the comprehensives? Some thrive in very academic surroundings, some find find their feet in environments where more emphasis is placed on practical skills. Why is the grammar "better" - it's better for some children including your ds, so that's great.

My son has just come to the end of his grammar school experience. The differences in outcome were not those you'd expect.

My son got good A' levels and now has a place at a good university doing the subject of his choice. As did his equally bright friends from junior school who went to the local excellent comprehensive school.

The main difference was social: my son's friends were a lot more dispersed geographically and a lot more non-English pupils with more family-orientated social expectations. As a result, he had much less in the way of social opportunity. He went out less but spends more time socializing online. He didn't have girlfriends. He doesn't drink and party like I see his friends doing.

My son also had a lot more in sporting opportunity than the comp - with a great mates with his rugby team and games every Saturday, huge swimming pool, massive gym.

We did have some negative sentiment around our choices for our son. Ironically the most negative sentiment came from the next person along the road, whose son would have missed out on a place at the good comprehensive if our son hadn't gone to grammar. For her son, I was an enabler, not a parasite.

I wouldn't feel guilty: your job is to do the best for your child under the school system provided. You'll find people in the comprehensive system giving their children extra help, with tutoring/help with homework etc, which isn't an option for everyone.

Systemic change and social change are the job of government, not the individual.

@mellicauli - does your son feel he missed out socially and that has held him back? DS2 did for quite a while. he was a bit bitter about having been at an all boys' school as he felt embarassed and awkward around girls. I pointed out to him that I was at a mixed comp and there were lots of boys there who were embarassed and awkward around girls, and that if you are a late developer it can be painful to share a class with girls you adore but who you see snogging other boys at lunchtime. Now that he has a steady girlfriend and over half his closest friends are girls, has a flat share with girls and goes on holiday with his best girl mate, he realises that it took no time at all to catch up. But fro a while he was a bit judgemental of our choice.

@goldfinchonthelawn My son is fine with it - he's quite self-confident for someone with not much experience! We gave him the final choice in where he went, so we don't get blamed for it.

I don’t understand the polemic about grammar schools. Honestly, I don’t. Maybe because I didn’t go to school in this country and I haven’t experienced the system, but…
There are so many different ways of learning for so many different kids. Why is this bad?
I like the idea of my daughter (who is very academic and LOVES learning and doing homework) can be surrounded by kids that have this in common with her instead of being bullied for it (as it happens to her in primary school). I don’t think a grammar will be a good fit for my son.

You know your child, make the best decisions for him, not for everyone else.

Just ignore the sanctimonious lefties.

Oh tell them to fuck off, none of their business. My mum pushed for both me and my sister to go to grammar school (we were working class, my mum got a second job in a factory to afford the tuition) and as a result fell out with all my dad’s sisters and still doesn’t speak to them 30 years later!!! They said the same thing “who does she think she is etc.”

Your kids, your choice.