Called a ''Social Parasite'' -- for sending DC to grammar

[Basherbasher]

Ok, so long time lurker here. We live in a fully selective area (Kent) where around 25% of children go to the grammars, 10% go to independents, and 60-65% to the high schools (secondary moderns).

Up until fairly recently Kent had a couple of fully comprehensive schools, which were popular with left wing parents who did not support the 11+ system (St Simon Stock in Maidstone and Homewood Comp in Tenterden). SSS is a Christian school, Homewood a community comp drawing from a wide area. My family and friendship circle have always tended to favour these two comprehensives, shunning the grammars. Historically both schools would send pupils to Russell Group universities each year, with St Simon Stock even sending 3-4 pupils per year to Oxbridge colleges.

Anyway, we opted to send our DC to a Maidstone grammar school. But we could never have anticipated the animosity this has resulted in both towards us as parents and to our son. We have even been called 'social parasites' for our decision to send our child to a grammar.

My question is: is this accusation made against gs parents of being or acting like a 'social parasite' something which is a typically held view amongst parents who are supportive of comprehensive or community schools? Does anyone else feel guilty or a sense of shame for having sent their child to grammar school?

Things have become so bad and this is causing such a rift in the family that I am tempted to uproot DS from his grammar school and relocate over the border to Sussex (fully comprehensive area). To be clear this isn't an issue of jealousy or envy as many of our friends and family are professionals with highly able children who could have passed for the grammars. It is much more of a political issue in the sense that we are seen (as a family) as having behaved selfishly and snobbishly.

Thank you,

Basher

I imagine demonstrating commitment to faith (through baptism and a priest’s reference) would always have been the priority category for the faith schools’ admissions criteria; in that sense those schools must have always been selective - although the intake would possibly be more academically mixed at a faith school than a grammar, so in that respect more reflective of a comprehensive intake.

Anyway, I think you need to listen to your instinct of what is the right fit school for your child in the context of where you live and it’s really nobody else’s business what you choose.

Does anyone else feel guilty or a sense of shame for having sent their child to grammar school?

Haha no. Proud and grateful, why should I feel shame? Isn't it interesting how those socially oh so responsible friends and family who are able to buy expensive homes near those desired comprehensives and therefore buy their dc's better education anyway are all about shunning and shaming people? That's not exactly #bekind is it?

You'd be a fool taking your dc out, he earned his place, why would you want to appeasements people who are horrible to you and your family?

I think it says something when most Labour politicians who are sooo adamantly opposed to Grammars send all their kids to private schools

I live in an area with great comprehensives but close to the border of a grammar area.On our street there are teens at comprehensives, private and grammar.
It would be completely hypocritical of me to judge the families who use the grammars when I bought a house near great comprehensives on purpose. I don't judge tbh (my son isn't super academic so didn't take the test anyway)
There is no way I'd change my son's school because of family say so. Even if you changed to an acceptable school for them, you will always be the person who chose grammar.

Funny how this thread appears just as there talk of grammars in the news

I come from Tenterden and don't recognise this anti grammar sentiment that causes rifts - bar a few vocal individuals, most people understand you are doing your best as parents? You just go where you can, and with the expansion of Ashford most kids in Tenterden and the surrounding villages can't get into the Ashford grammars like we did in the 90s. Homewood has good pr, but it has got more comprehensive since Ashford grew to twice its previous size. It also takes pupils from the Cranbrook School catchment too. It's also made a big thing of its "grammar stream."

I think, tbh, your friends and family don't sound very nice. I don't like the selective system, but we live in Kent and make the best of it. I wouldn't dream of saying anything so nasty to you.

People will do the best for their child within the system available.

Grammar schools are divisive and probably not the best way to do things, but until they come up with a better system, I would do the same as you OP.

I went to a grammar and although I am left leaning in my political views, I'd send my child to one in a heartbeat. I had a better school experience than most people I know and would want the same for my child. Contradictory? Probably, but as I said, you do the best thing for your kid within the system you've living in.

Your friends are being unreasonable to judge you and should put that effort into fighting for a better system.

This is why I don’t employ anyone left-leaning. Holier-than-though ‘holes.

Gosh OP no you mustn't move your DC, they have done nothing wrong! I can't stand the grammar system and how it is now a middle class free private school option that involves money spent on tutoring etc which means that many children are pushed out of the choice.. but I wouldn't want any child to not go to one if that was a good option for them, and he is settled and happy so you have done a great thing. Try and shut your ears, they should be keeping their thoughts to themselves not making you feel bad for something you are freely able to choose.

What the hell business of it is theirs where you send your child to be educated? We caused a few raised eyebrows by choosing to send our children to a grammar in the next county when our local comp was failing, but by the time our youngest reached 6th form it had improved massively and we were more than happy for him to move there for his 6th form studies. Incidentally, the people giving us the snotty reactions were the same ones who thought nothing of forking out thousands for private schools, so I suspect their reaction had nothing to do with politics... 😉PLEASE OP don't remove your happy and settled child from a school purely to satisfy other people and their political agendas!

Grow a thick skin. I sent DC to a brilliant independent school. Some close family never spoke to me again. Won;t even set foot through the door of my house. We are a very left wing family. I am a pretty left wing person - way left of centre in almost all respects. But...I went to a shit comp. My DC went to s hit state school. I saw the problems of my shit comp recycled in their shit state school (whihc was in a very naice area and had facilities that outsripped local private schools - but the attitude to bullying, the attitude to academic development sucked so much that we looked elsewhere.

I don't give a toss what my family think of me. My DC thrived. It was my job as a parent to ensure they would and they did.

FFS give your children the best education you can afford/access. Just ignore the naysayers and tell them to mind their own bloody business.

It's all very weird, OP and I love your decision that Mumsnet is Tory because it most certainly is not. Do you live in some kind of Greenham Common commune? Your "friends" and family sound horrible. The truth is brighter kids thrive in an environment of bright kids and the schools you mention have a grammar stream precisely for this reason. You're not paying and it's not your fault if some people pay tutors to help with the test. It would be equally if not more hypocritical to move to a naice Sussex village and enjoy a leafy comp. If they believe so passionately in "equality" ie levelling down, as it sounds, don't they all move somewhere godforsaken and send their children to failing comps ... ?

I don't believe in the grammar system tbh as I think it is incredibly unfair. However, my DD is starting grammar this sep. she passed the 11+ and I'm not going to stop her accessing the chance at a far better school just because others can't go. It's brutally unfair and I hate it, my it is MY child and I will give her every shot I can.

Who is it that’s giving you grief @Basherbasher you say family rift, is it your family sticking their nose in? Literally tell them to piss off with their uninformed and unwelcome opinion.

I've worked in a Grammar School. It's not how many of you imagine. It's not an oasis of MC children. There are many who come from WC/deprived backgrounds. It's great to see them flourish in an environment which suits them.

It's also good to see children work at a fast pace through the curriculum as there's nobody holding up their learning.

Many of the parents were left wing, but wanted an appropriate environment for their children to flourish.

I've never come across this nastiness. My children were educated at Grammar Schools and non selective.

I've worked at the other end of the spectrum in one of the worst schools in the country and seen so little learning taking place despite the best efforts of the teaching staff.

Ignore it you are doing the best you can for your son that is all that matters

Also OP how far do you take the idea that it is immoral to have any unearned advantage of privilege? Some children at a fully comprehensive school will have parents who can help them with their homework and revision, some might pay for tutors, some have revision guides bought for them etc. All of these things are in some way creating an uneven playing field.

Get different friends. I lost 2 friends as a result of sending DD Private.
I don’t miss them or regret my decision

This is why I'm so pleased to live in Hampshire - no grammars at all. All this grammar talk confuses me as its just so alien to me but I didn't realise it was so decisive. But if I was you, I wouldn't move and would live DC in rage framer.

WTF? Are you, an adult and a parent, seriously considering moving your kid's school because someone in your family is saying mean things to you @Basherbasher?🙄

Sadly OP it seems that these days people have lost the ability to recognise that someone who doesn't have the same views as they do is not automatically wrong. Anyone who does things differently to them or does not think as they do is automatically described in a derogatory way. People don't seem to realise that just because someone doesn't share your views doesn't make them scum or thick which seem to be the go to insults. I think this has been made worse by social media as it it so easy to be vile to someone when you are not standing in front of them.

I recall having very lively discussions with friends at uni and although we had differing views and opinions we still managed to get on without being offensive to each other

Frankly if someone expressed that opinion to me I would be more than happy to have nothing more to do with them.

What is STEP? I can only find an asset management organisation.

STEP is short for stop the eleven plus.