Called a ''Social Parasite'' -- for sending DC to grammar

[Basherbasher]

Ok, so long time lurker here. We live in a fully selective area (Kent) where around 25% of children go to the grammars, 10% go to independents, and 60-65% to the high schools (secondary moderns).

Up until fairly recently Kent had a couple of fully comprehensive schools, which were popular with left wing parents who did not support the 11+ system (St Simon Stock in Maidstone and Homewood Comp in Tenterden). SSS is a Christian school, Homewood a community comp drawing from a wide area. My family and friendship circle have always tended to favour these two comprehensives, shunning the grammars. Historically both schools would send pupils to Russell Group universities each year, with St Simon Stock even sending 3-4 pupils per year to Oxbridge colleges.

Anyway, we opted to send our DC to a Maidstone grammar school. But we could never have anticipated the animosity this has resulted in both towards us as parents and to our son. We have even been called 'social parasites' for our decision to send our child to a grammar.

My question is: is this accusation made against gs parents of being or acting like a 'social parasite' something which is a typically held view amongst parents who are supportive of comprehensive or community schools? Does anyone else feel guilty or a sense of shame for having sent their child to grammar school?

Things have become so bad and this is causing such a rift in the family that I am tempted to uproot DS from his grammar school and relocate over the border to Sussex (fully comprehensive area). To be clear this isn't an issue of jealousy or envy as many of our friends and family are professionals with highly able children who could have passed for the grammars. It is much more of a political issue in the sense that we are seen (as a family) as having behaved selfishly and snobbishly.

Thank you,

Basher

I think it is time to get new friends. I grew up in Essex and went to a grammar school but now live in a non grammar area buy would have no quarms in sending my daughter to one if they were an option. Everyone wants the best for their child. Even in non grammar areas there are better and worse schools.

Ahh the " tolerant" left! Tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. As long as your child is happy and doing well then no one's opinion matters but yours!

If you are actually receiving abuse for this, and not just feeling some internal social shame for letting the side down, I’d just get some new friends - this will be a non-issue if you stop hanging out with a certain subtype of Labour Party activist.

I am almost certainly more left wing than you, or your friends - I’m an anarchomutualist. Calling other people “parasites” isn’t about being left wing, it is about a specific type of performative virtue-signalling, usually not backed up by any kind of real life activism.

I note your friends are all in professional jobs, and live in million pound houses in Tenterden- have they ever considered taking the beam out of their own eyes? This kind of playground leftism is incredibly solipsistic and boring.

I live in kent have have three children who have been through the system so have a huge amount of experience on all of this.
Im sorry, but unless you live in a grammar school county you really don’t have a clue what you would do when your child reaches year 5. You think you do but until you are there with your particular child, you don’t. So all these judgemental replies make me laugh.
It’s an awful system and quite frankly, if I had known what moving to kent entailed, despite family ties and living it otherwise, I really don’t know if I would have chosen it to bring up kids.
Everyone is just trying to do the best for their child. The whole system is rigged towards those with means (time and money) The trouble is, if you have 3 secondary modern schools around you ( dry different times comprehensives which make up most high schools in the UK) which are poorly rated by ofstead and have very poor pupil progress then you do the very best for your child to get them into the best school you can.
Of course over the years this bar has raised and raised. With each new cohort just wanting the best for their child and so it feeds the whole ugly mess.
No OP you are not the scourge of society. You are doing what you think is the best for YOUR child. Your relations and friends won’t be living your child’s life. They are free to make their own choices.
if your child is doing well, please don’t pull them out because of what others think. Keep focussed on what is best for your child only.

But the schools here in kent are NOT comps! It would be wonderful if they were!

my DC are top sets and getting good teaching and stretch... There are grammar schools within an hour journey from us but I genuinely don't understand the appeal

Those two statements are linked, you know. If your children were getting shit teaching and weren’t being stretched, or the teachers were spending all of their time trying to maintain order in the classroom instead of teaching, a grammar school would probably look a lot more appealing.

Under no circumstances would I uproot my child because others were judging me. I’d stare them down and tell them to sod off.

This has got journo written all over it

Faux “gosh what have I caused” alongside a forensic knowledge of the local school politics and systems

Even if I were a journalist (I'm not) what would be the point???

I do not claim to have a forensic knowledge of the local situation here in Mid-Kent, just as much as is commonly known by most parents. This is a part of Kent with a history of anti-grammar school sentiment, with a considerable number of parents (usually left wing, however not always) lending their support to the STEP movement. A number of high profile anti-grammar school campaigners and headteachers have hailed from this part of the world. Around the late 1990s and early 2000s there was a real sense that Kent could go fully comprehensive. Kent was able to maintain several comprehensive schools in this time mainly thanks to the support of local socialist parents and the STEP campaign.

Labour voter here who thinks selective education is wrong.

Guess what kind of school DD starts at next month...

I'm aware I'm a hypocrite but there was no way I was going to compromise her education in order to make a principled stand. I'd rather the system didn't exist but it does, so I can't say I feel particularly guilty.

I can definitely assure you that I am not selfish or divisive when my children chose to take 11+ and go to grammar school!
It’s the area they live in and it was 100% their choice !! All the schools in our town are pretty decent and they have friends from all the schools and that includes my friends!! I absolutely do not judge other peoples choices!

How infuriating.

I have little to no time for anyone on the left, as they all too-often act like this.

Please don’t compromise your son’s education to pander to the sort of people who are not worth giving the time of day to.

My grandad was labour through and through, factory man and heavily involved in the union but we are in the SUtton GRammar area and DD goes to one. Entirely the right choice for her and I will not apologise for it. DS will not go through the system as it is not the right choice for him.

Personally I see nothing wrong with having it -- only if you believe it makes you better than anyone else. Being academic is the luck of the draw just like being talented at music/sport/drama/art etc. Specialist schools for those rightly exist why cant academic schools.

DD is to be honest incredibly bright - that does not make her better than anyone else and no one has ever said anything (partly I suspect because that is the attitude that we both have. I do find the attitude of trying to get your child there at all cost when it does not suit that child to be wrong though and doesnt help the child.

The only question is - is it the right environment for your child, will they thrive and be happy there.

Nobody who is actually a friend would talk to you like this. A very close friend who felt very strongly might express bewilderment or disappointment - but you'd expect them to button it once they'd said their piece.

So I think you have a friend problem. Dump the naysayers and make some new ones. You've said 35% of kids in your area at at grammars or indies, and I can't imagine all of the comp parents feel like this either - so that's a lot of people who can make up your new circle.

For heaven's sake don't uproot your son.

I grew up on the border of mid-kent/west-kent grammars (and went to one). Lefty parents but v atheist and no non-religious comp options. Knew a few anti-grammar families who sent their kids to the secondary moderns and all were at grammars by sixth form.

I now live in a v lefty area (tories lose their deposit kind of place) and we looked at house prices in the catchment for the good comp…. 1.5mil for a 3 bed terrace!!! It’s half that outside. I don’t know the answer, and grammars seem archaic, but at least you have the chance to go without millionaire parents.

Well ... it's a bit extreme to call you a social parasite and I wouldn't go that far. But some of us are absolutely passionate about the value of fully comprehensive non-selective education. It sounds as though some members of your family are too. Are you looking for reassurance that they are meanies and you don't deserve it?

I am thankful every day that we don't live in a grammar area and we never had to go through the madness that is the 11+.

The issue with grammar schools isn't just the fact that it creates a permanent divide based on possible fleeting achievement differences but that now passing of exams is heavily prejudiced by money- tutoring is the norm- i also know people who had their children at expensive prep school and tutored - seeing it as a good investment to get into free grammar schools. that said though i suspect the catch ment areas for the good comprehensive schools your friends have access to are equally money driven- so their moral high ground is limited

Oh for gods sake. I eye rolled at a lot at the mention of left wing, shunning grammar schools. It's like a strange kind of inverse snobbery that you describe. They sound smug and hugely pretentious. Fuck em and be glad your child is in a good grammar school.

I'm surprised you didn't anticipate this to be honest given that your family are education professionals. You make your choices but anticipating effects of those choices is something that goes along with it.

Who cares what they think. And that should be your response. I'd be glad I was able to send my child to a selective school just to piss people like them off.

This.

Grammar school parents (not all of them) are selfish to some degree (I would include ourselves in that by the way) as we are trying to achieve some sort of distinction or snobbery over other people.

OP this is absolute nonsense. All parents should be selfish when it comes to their child's education. You are there to advocate for your child and it's perfectly natural to secure the best education that you can for them.

I live in a grammar school area so am aware of the potential for drama, but I honestly can't imagine giving a crap what other people think of the decisions I make regarding my children's education.

What’s changed - what were the comprehensive schools in Kent the 1990s and 2000s? I thought Kent had always had the selective / faith / secondary modern system?

(From memory) The only comps were..

St Simon Stock
St Gregory’s
Homewood School

All 3 operates conditionality policies (which gave preference to families supportive of comprehensive education). Conditionality was banned in 2007/08.

All 3 operated conditionality