Boarding School Help

[AviatorMama]

Hi All,

I would like to ask mum's of boarding school children how they went about choosing a school? And from experience, are there certain questions we should be asking schools when we go to open days? What things should we be looking for/be conscious of?

DH and I went through the state system so this is a completely new ball game to us and we feel rather out of our depth.

DS's prep school suggested looking at Eton, Oundle, Winchester, Fettes and Uppingham. Any feedback on those schools would be greatly appreciated. I've poured through the various threads and seen a substantial amount of conflicting feedback/reviews.

Thank you in advance.

First thing is whether you want single sex or co Ed (or a mix as Winchester is going to be). Then decide if you need it to be a proper boarding school (ie the pupils don’t all disappear at the weekends). The ones I know on your list do seem to fall into that category which is particularly important if you are abroad. I presume your head has advised on where your DS is likely to get a place. Then you go around and try to get a feel for the culture of the place and where you think your child will be happy. It is difficult as ultimately their cohort, particularly in their year and house, is a lottery!

That is quite a random selection of senior schools together . Those schools would not usually feature on the same list!
eton and Winchester usually on the same list as traditional, famous (eton now considered infamous I dare say!! Does anyone truly want the millstone of Eton on a CV anymore? Times are changing …??) single sex boarding schools. Although WinColl seems to be changing on that front in part.
Oundle and Uppingham would be on the same list being proper boarding schools and mixed sex. Medium to high academics. Both centrally located in England.
then you have Fettes - in Scotland! Why that’s on the list I have no idea! Are you Scottish?

so first off , does your child want to board at the weekends? If so, discount EVERY schools that says it’s full boarding but allows any pupils home on occasional Saturday nights. Once one goes home, they all follow and all you have left is the minority of overseas pupils. All schools lie about how many they have at weekends. Just discount any school that lets any of them nip off home talk to pupils on a school tour to get the actual truth. (From your list I assume you want a full boarding school.) this is probably the most essential factor in choosing a bonafide full boarding school.

then decide if you want all boys or mixed sex. That will discount eton/WinColl OR Oundle/Uppingham.

then consider if you want to be able to go and watch concerts or matches. In which case choose something within an hour or so’s drive (ideally!) unless you very much like driving your car around.

Sounds as though your son is academic enough. A bright child will do well at any half decent school to be honest.bright children may get a ride y financial scholarship but if you’re looking for money off it all comes down to assets and earnings via a bursary.

if your son is moving school at 13 to a new school try not to pick a senior school that does not half at least 50% + new intake at year 9 (aged 13).

have a think on these questions and come back to us

Hello@AviatorMama my DS is at Winchester, it's a great school for the right boy. He loves everything about the school and will be sad to leave when the time comes. I am happy to answer any questions you have.

As a PP said, that really is a very strange list!

Fettes is very Chinese heavy at the moment so unless you are looking for a day place I wouldn’t recommend it for boarding. Big staff turnover right now too.

Eton comes with a reputation that I really don’t see as being anything other than a burden 10 years from now.

Winchester produces a certain type of boy - so check very carefully if your DS fits that.

Uppingham and Oundle I know very little about but they are clearly a long way academically from Winchester!

And herein lies the problem with joining the boarding school world... when there are even rules surrounding the list of schools you compile. It truly is another world to us.

Our head suggested these schools for multiple reasons:

1. Our son is Academic and he wants us to consider the likes of Eton/Winchester but he is equally conscious of the fact that we are a little uncomfortable with such schools... for the reasons you have outlined in your comments above.
2. We don't have a preference for co-ed or single sex. I went to a single sex school and DH went to a co-ed. We see the benefits of both systems and are willing to explore both settings. Current head therefore suggested looking at both.
3. We are based in Scotland hence Fettes @Wannakisstheteacher Absolutely no idea where you got the Chinese heavy thing from because that is very much not the case.

Ultimately, we are approaching this with an open mind and considering a variety of different settings, which is probably why our shortlist looks a little random.

We have toured two schools so far and I am concerned that we are not asking the right questions because we don't really know about boarding and therefore what we need to be conscious of. Any help with questions would be absolutely invaluable to us. @leftandaright Thank you for starting the list of questions off for us!

Try speaking to the support staff when you visit a boarding house. They'll give you a much better idea of the school and also Google each school with # in front. It will bring up the students social media as well. Tiktok makes interesting reading. You haven't mentioned the one I work at which is good....because I wouldn't recommend it.

Might be a bit far for you but I know a couple of people who went to Sevenoaks school and they were very pleased with it. Extremely academic but sounds like that might suit.

(I wouldn’t want Eton on my cv personally, and anyone who thinks that their uniform is acceptable is not someone I would allow to teach my child.)

Oundle and Uppingham are strong academically! They are all rounder schools rather than the more “niche” WinColl academic types so sport and non academic activities are part of daily life - But as a guide the middle sets at Oundle are expected to get straight 8/9s at gcse and it’s a minimum 11 GCSE’s and 4 a levels for every pupil. Infact there’s a certain amount of academic pressure that children must be happy with there. You get asked to leave at sixth form if you’re not knuckling down ….
And I said above, a bright child does well in any decent school - it comes down to what environment you want your child to be educated in. Eton is, well, as Eton does. It appeals to certain types! WinColl has a very nerdy reputation but again there will be children of all types there . Oundle and Uppingham academic and all rounders. Uppingham music very strong . Also look at Marlborough is you’re south west. Comparative to O and U. Not sure on its boarding status. Several schools in the south east I know little of (but check the full boarding status if it’s important to you).

I wouldn’t want Eton on my cv personally, and anyone who thinks that their uniform is acceptable is not someone I would allow to teach my child.

There’s rather more to a school experience, for good or ill, than ‘having it on one’s CV’.

And the boys who choose to attend the school are, oddly enough, generally rather fond of their uniform.

OP it is an odd list … Not least because preps, in my experience, prefer to direct their pupils towards a particular group of senior schools with whom they have built up established relationships. Not to apply a scattergun approach just for the fun if it.

The questions you should ask can only arise from what you have observed regarding your child as he progresses through his current school. You’re looking for a senior school that will bring out the best in him - so that’s what you investigate. Remember it’s school as well as boarding school.

As regards boarding - the most important thing is that your son actively wants to board. Even though he’s still quite little and it’s hard to imagine what he’ll be like at 13, you should be guided by what you know of him, listen to his questions, and notice where he seems to feel mist at home when you visit.

… most at home …

My friend teaches at uppingham, it's very musical. Oakham is nearby there buy sporty. My dd got a scholarship for Oakham but I decided against boarding

There’s one fairly fundamental question to ask - do both your son and you as parents want him to board? I ask as the parent of a boarder.

DD begged us to board. Admittedly we weren’t keen (we were both state educated) and tried to sweep it under the carpet. We did agree to keeping an open mind though and the more we found out about it, the more we warmed to the idea. It really does work for us as a family and she’s home weekends. I would, however, really struggle if she was there full time and we found ourselves actively looking for schools that did allow the children to go home at weekends. I also think it’s a recipe for disaster if either the child or parents aren’t fully on board.

The reason I ask is because you admit you know very little about boarding. You also say it’s what the current prep is recommending. They want the prestigious schools on their leavers destination list. Is Scotland to Winchester REALLY going to work for you as a family? Or would somewhere closer to an airport be better, or at least on a decent trainline? How do you pick him up if he’s sick? Do you like watching him in matches / plays / concerts? Would he like or expect you to attend these things?

What’s their mobile phone policy? Can he call you whenever he likes in his free time or are calls restricted? How will he spend his free time? How are the boarding houses structured - by year group or multiple years? Some schools have mixed age group dorms- would your son find this intimidating?

You have to really think about the reality of living away from home for long periods of time. Ask yourself what if scenarios, particularly for things that your son would be upset by.

If you are in Scotland do you really want your 13 year old south of London? If he gets appendicitis or is lead in the play , you wouldn't be able to visit easily.Your prep might like the prestige of Eton or Winchester but are they the best fit for you and DS?

@TottersBlankly I don’t think that our head is taking a scatter gun approach for the fun of it at all. This is a carefully curated list based on our DS’s academic capabilities and personality, whilst also taking into consideration our reservations as parents. I would much rather this approach than being pushed towards a school just because our prep has an established relationship with it.

With regards to boarding, it is our son who is driving this. He wants to board. He is also turning 10 this year so it’s not too hard to imagine him at 13. We are facing the registration deadline this year hence viewing all schools now. I am confident with questions to assess the school from a qualitative perspective. It is boarding specific questions that I am looking for help with.

@BookwormButNoTime You describe our exact situation. Our son is begging us to board, we are less keen but have warmed to the idea.

You have raised some excellent questions and things for us to consider. Thank you!

@BookwormButNoTime WinColl is fairly near Southampton Airport which flies to Scotland. I'm not personally a fan of boarding schools but just as a point of fact.

10 years old is what I meant by ‘still quite little’! (It was perfectly clear where you are in the process.) Happy to re-phrase and say we found it difficult to imagine our 10 year old as a yr 9 boy.

The reason I queried such a list is for exactly the reasons BookwormButNoTime addressed in their post. A prep head builds up relationships with schools that work for the parents of his/her pupils. While it’s true that many international parents might hop on a plane for every ‘reading aloud in Chapel’ most 21st c UK based parents wouldn’t consider having their child board too far away for easy and regular visits.

Even at full boarding schools it’s highly likely that, at least until the sixth form, a child is almost never at school for much more than about two and a half weeks without a compulsory break. (This was our experience at one of the schools on your list.) So you would need to factor in a fairly constant passage up and down the motorway / on the train or in and out of airports.

I get that you want a failsafe list of questions - but most of the factual stuff is covered in prospectuses and at open days. Once you’ve done these and gained your own impressions it really will come down to which schools you and your son prefer - and where he’s accepted.

@Innocenta and so the question becomes, does the school offer transportation to the airport for fixed exeats? Is the OP happy for her son to fly as an unaccompanied minor? What alternative transportation routes are there if the airport is closed either end or flights grounded etc. If your child isn’t well enough for school then they will ask for a parent or guardian to come and collect them. If they have chickenpox or are throwing up etc then you can’t take them on a plane. What do you do then?

(I think I’m seeing now how I’ve misinterpreted your question. BookwormButNoTime’s flight questions would be things I’d consider to eliminate schools that weren’t going to be possible.

Then I’d want to choose between those that already meet all our practical / logistical criteria.)

“most 21st c UK based parents wouldn’t consider having their child board too far away for easy and regular visits”

@TottersBlankly perhaps we’re primitive 19th c parents up here as the majority of DS’s prep go south to England… primarily on a Trainline/flight route. All kids travel back to Scotland every 3rd weekend. This is what I’ve witnessed and I guess has been normalised. Clearly this is not the norm generally.

@AviatorMama Just because everyone else sends their child to board miles away from home, doesn’t mean it’s right for you and your family. It’s ok to break the mould if it doesn’t work for you.

Most of the girls from DDs prep go to day schools, and some of the top North London day schools at that. We turned down a place at one of these top academic schools and more than one mum told me we were mad. I had another mum stop talking to me because “boarding schools are basically a form of child abuse”. It’s very hard to do something different, but ultimately it has to be the best school for your child and family, not just the one with the best name or results. My DC is absolutely thriving at boarding school and it’s the right school for her. Doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone and there are some miserable kids there whose parents really should talk to their children and move them elsewhere.

People I know who went to Marlborough College are fairly well-rounded.

@BookwormButNoTime oh absolutely. I have no fear of breaking the mould. I was just explaining why we are looking further afield. I take objection to the 21st c comment; it’s probably easier to find a school closer to home when you live down south and have an abundance of great options on your doorstep.

but yes, you’re absolutely right. The decision must work for our DS and us as a family. I’m saddened but not surprised that you have lost friends over your choice to send your child to a boarding school. Sadly we are facing the same.

Thank you very much for your advice. It has been invaluable.

not sure if I've missed this info, but what does he like doing? Sports? Music? Drama? Rowing? Country pursuits? That may help rule a couple of schools in or out??
My fav question to ask a pupil is "what 1 thing would you change about the school, and why?"

@AviatorMama Winchester College is a great school for all types of boys but it won't be easy to get a place . Eton won't be easy either if that's your first choice. Super bright boys from our prep didn't get a place at either on their first try but a couple got a waiting list place and one ended up with an offer.

You will need to apply for multiple schools and take it from there. The myth about Winchester or Eton for that matter producing only a certain type is nonsense.