Boarding School Help

[AviatorMama]

Hi All,

I would like to ask mum's of boarding school children how they went about choosing a school? And from experience, are there certain questions we should be asking schools when we go to open days? What things should we be looking for/be conscious of?

DH and I went through the state system so this is a completely new ball game to us and we feel rather out of our depth.

DS's prep school suggested looking at Eton, Oundle, Winchester, Fettes and Uppingham. Any feedback on those schools would be greatly appreciated. I've poured through the various threads and seen a substantial amount of conflicting feedback/reviews.

Thank you in advance.

Your prep school should really be much more of a guide op

@Andante57 woooooooow… hold up! As I’ve clearly stated, I’m approaching Eton/WinColl with an open mind. If DS did attend such schools, I would absolutely fully embrace them. Considering mine and DH’s background, strangely enough they weren’t particularly on our radar, hence geeking slightly uncomfortable. I think that is perfectly reasonable.

Morning @AviatorMama .

Another consideration is that although they are boarding Parents do turn up at matches and things and often take their DC out for tea afterwards etc.
So the distance is more relevant than just your DS getting home for exeats and breaks. How strict are they about this?
Is there any flexibility with seeing them outside of set breaks. I have a lot of friends with sons who went to Harrow and they all seemed very involved.

I would also look closely-if there is also a Day provision how do they balance that with F/T boarders? I know some of the schools you are looking at are full boarding but not sure about all. Do some students go home wednesday afternoons and weekends? who stays? it can be very lonely if the Houses empty out at weekends...

I didn't catch if you mentioned a particular sport your DS plays?
Sport will be a big chunk of timetable so if there is something more specialised-like rowing for example-that is worth looking at.
Most will have games timetabled for wednesday afternoons-no lessons then-and saturday matches with training at other times if he is on a team.
Even down to if he likes rugby or football.

I would def look at where the Leavers end up and if it looks like going to that particular school provides added value-are they better having been there or would they have achieved the same sort of results anywhere?

@mumsiedarlingrevolta excellent advice. Thank you.

I was privately educated, badly bullied, hated being away from home, not having local friends, and plucked for state for my DC. They are probably not as pushed, but so far happy, and I take them to lots of extra curricular activities, and our bank account looks much healthier than if we'd gone private.

You've gone to state schools, and clearly private all the way for your precious DS.

Not a clue on schools. Does it have to be one of the well known ones? I have friends who rave about Kings Chester amd Shrewsbury School.

I worked in independent schools for years. From an honest insiders point of view:

1. The question about how much teaching the Housemasters do, how many resident Assistant Housemasters are there etc. With the best Housemaster in the world, if he has a boarding house of 70 boys and a 60% teaching timetable, he isn't going to be able to do everything.
2. Don't base too much on the individual personality of the staff. They can move on!
3. I'm sure your Prep Head has thought about your son with the 'carefully curated' list but I can promise you he is also thinking about marketing and giving lists of leavers' prestigious destinations to potential pupils. Don't be afraid to look off list at less well known schools, often they are better.
4. Don't just think about ease of flight/train. That will be great for him heading there and back at halfterm, but think also about how you will get there by car to get him home. He will be sent home if he gets sick, gets a sports injury, has a nervous breakdown... I think most boarding parents have to do that journey at least a few times over the years so although not frequent it needs to be possible.
5. Some boarding schools still have a very toxic masculinity ethos amongst the pupils. You don't want your son coming out the other side a raging misogynist. Look at social medias with the school in.
6. Supervised prep? Mobile phone policy?

@HairyToity Im sorry that was your experience. I went to a state school and was horrifically bullied and had no local friends because everyone local to me was at the school and part of the bullying. I don’t really ever think there is a perfect answer. All you can do is go off of your own experiences. So far, DS is 1,000,000 times happier than I ever was at his prep. And he is the one pushing to board.

@AnIckabog Excellent questions! I’m VERY conscious of number 5! Being a strong feminist mother, I would hope that my parenting would prevail but I am equally aware of that culture within a potential school.

Ignore all posters personal experiences of boarding schools op
a) likely from at the very minimum a decade ago
b) whether positive or negative - utterly irrelevant to your son

and this You've gone to state schools, and clearly private all the way for your precious DS. . Talk about barbed!

@tomatoandherbs yes, it was noted. I love being lectured about the benefits of state school by mamas who were privately educated themselves… I’m more than aware of the benefits of state school having actually attended one myself.

Agreed ref others’ experiences. Unless these experiences are from their DC currently attending, it’s a bit of a mute point.

My boy on a 100% bursary to very well known prep
i am a single parent living in a a modest flat

never, not even a whiff, of feeling like I’m in any way looked down upon or inferior by teacher or another parent alike

@tomatoandherbs thats ace! We have also never been made to feel inferior or out of place. I wouldn’t have a clue who was on a bursary and who wasn’t at DS’ prep tbh (although I’m assuming the ones that live in castles probably aren’t 🤣🤣)

@tomatoandherbs maybe barbed! The point is just because you pay a lot of money, don't assume it's all going to be rosy! Private school isn't necessarily in my view the be all and end all. My DH went to local state schools, and has a six figure income. I can think of someone from my private school, that's a drug addict. You still need to be an involved parent, and the expensive education, won't protect from bad experiences in life, or necessarily mean they will have a lifetime of success, or as I have heard described as dividends for the expensive education.

If I was going to consider boarding, it would need to be within two hours of home personally.

If I was going to consider boarding, it would need to be within two hours of home personally.

I agree with this. Being close to good air/rail links is fine, however I would put ability for parental involvement high up the list. The ability to attend extra curricular events, take them out of tea occasionally etc. And being able to see friends in the holidays as likely their primary friends will have moved onto new friendship groups. The holidays can be a bit lonely.

I'm sure you prep head has a lot of experience but discounting every Scottish school bar one on the basis of lack of academic suitability does seem a bit short sighted. I would also be cautionary about your DCs interests and abilities aged 9 vs aged 13.

Where are his friends parents considering post prep school? Where have their older siblings gone and are they (pupils and parents) happy with their choices? I would be asking peers first and foremost.

My ex must be the one exception, I think!

My DS' father put him down for several of the top boarding schools but DS decided that he hated the idea (based on Enid Blyton books!) and instead opted for a certain school which he would often point out when walking along the Millennium Bridge.
I was really relieved because I knew a lovely boy who attended that school when I was young. I always wanted to send my own child there in the future and it is a really good fit which is not a given!

we see this through different prisms. You see not looking at options close to home as short sighted but I see it as narrow minded. OP may have a child that may well soar academically and socially that a more parochial existence may not satisfy.

many full boarding schools have around 25% overseas pupils and I can assure you that their parents are not trotting back and forth on tea runs and clapping at violin recitals. At my dc school (Oundle) parents often work overseas necessitating full boarding to allow their children to have consistency in their education . I am astounded at the breadth of jobs parents do. Truly inspiring for my dc to see the possibilities out there waiting for them in a couple of year. It just is not possible to be hands on for these parents if they are fighting in war zones or writing journalism in Asia or constructing bridges in Africa or managing global sporting events . Many children do not have the luxury of parents popping by, I’d say it’s half and half where my dc are. Where parents can, they most certainly do but where they cannot, it’s just how it is for that family and lots of children are in the same boat. It’s a big wide world out there after all and some children thrive in a cosmopolitan environment. My dc take trains all over the uk for parties in the holidays. It’s certainly are not lonely. They just get used to planning logistics. (Anything for a party!)

I am quite sure if OP could everything they were looking for in a school that best fits their son 1 mile down the road, she would but if you cannot then it is a wondrous luxury to have choice as to how best to educate her child. Choice is everything and in a perfect world money would be no barrier and every parent would be able to decide between different schools for their own children.

It just is not possible to be hands on for these parents if they are fighting in war zones or writing journalism in Asia or constructing bridges in Africa or managing global sporting events . Many children do not have the luxury of parents popping by,

Surely that’s what guardians are for?

I haven’t experienced an English independent school that doesn’t stipulate the appointment of suitable guardians where parents are not resident in the UK. (And still think fondly of a thread several years ago where the misguided OP wanted us all to agree that a new, non-UK-resident boarding child would be able to spend every exeat and holiday with new school friends - so the OP wouldn’t need to bother much as appointed guardian …)

@leftandaright is giving very good advice. Yes, for some families living within 90 minutes of the school is perfect. For others, it isn't possible, or needed. I have dc at two of the schools you are considering and parents come from all over the country, and the world. Also, remember senior school is not like prep school - I have not been to one match tea! Parents often try to make matches in the first year; by the second year it peters out.

Schools change massively over the course of a decade, even less than that, so please park worries about drugs, leavers' destinations etc and focus on whether you see your dc at that school.

Think about:
co-ed vs mixed
town vs middle of nowhere (yours are all in towns, so you're all good there)
pupil numbers - not all children thrive in huge schools
sporting/CCF/drama etc opportunities - they pretty much all offer everything but for eg Dof E scheme is obligatory for all at Rugby for year 9/10; same for CCF at Harrow in year 10/11.
Size of house - there's a big difference between 45 in a house and 70 in a house
How 'normal' a school feels, if that's important to you. This is a personal preference - for some, Oundle might feel much more down to earth than Eton. But most of the schools you've mentioned (some more than others, and Eton being the obvious one) have incredible (and growing) financial aid provision. Two of those schools either already have or aim to have 30% of pupils on some level of bursarial support.

It's like buying a house - you'll get that gut feeling that it's right for your family when you visit.

OP will not need a guardian. She lives in Scotland not abroad. She said she can make several of the schools she’s looking at in a few hours’ drive.
In many years of having children at boarding school I have never been called in to collect at short notice save for the immediate shut down for covid in 2020. Even when my dc caught covid it was all dealt with in school (dc chose not to come home as they set up a boarding house for all the infected). Full boarding schools by their very nature are wonderful at adapting for emergencies befalling internationally located families.
i remember in March 2020, the housemaster, deputies and matrons were all booking flights and organising individual taxis to get each international child to a plane before airspace closed down. It was incredible.
Yes overseas pupils will have a nominated guardian for emergencies but these guardians aren’t parents and don’t fulfill the same role. You’d be amazed what parents manage to pull off if they are needed in an emergency. There isn’t anything that us mums won’t do for our children after all.

having read all these posts the list that the OPs prep head came up with seems fairly coherent (save for Fettes?). Clearly a capable child if E and W were listed plus the more down to earth full boarding options of O and U that are easily accessed from Scotland.

Exactly
even in the car park, you have the Bentleys parked up alongside the fiestas. No one gives either a second glance.

@leftandaright interesting how experiences of the same school have led to two different conclusions.

My modern boarding experience is also at Oundle. Yet, my conclusion is totally different to yours - proximity to school matters.

Their parents have been along to matches etc (when able - covid has made things really hard). And I've even been invited along to an upcoming play (maybe I'm not quite so embarrassing after all.....). Going will be a bit of hike but I live a lot closer than Scotland.

@leftandaright 100% this 🙌🏼 Thank you ☺️

I missed the poster that assumed that simply because private it was going to be “rosy”

In any event
what was the relevance to you calling the OP’s son “her precious DS”?
unpleasant
(and hell yes my DS is precious to me and nothing to be ashamed about!)

@nixon1976 thank you. Great advice about things to consider.

@Jillyfernilly As there is a boarding house at Oundle predominantly filled with Scots, I would imagine most of those DC’s are in the same boat ref parents and sports fixtures etc. As most parents at DS’ current prep have kids down in England, I’ve seen how they make it work, which is why I’m perhaps not so concerned about proximity.