Boarding School Help

[AviatorMama]

Hi All,

I would like to ask mum's of boarding school children how they went about choosing a school? And from experience, are there certain questions we should be asking schools when we go to open days? What things should we be looking for/be conscious of?

DH and I went through the state system so this is a completely new ball game to us and we feel rather out of our depth.

DS's prep school suggested looking at Eton, Oundle, Winchester, Fettes and Uppingham. Any feedback on those schools would be greatly appreciated. I've poured through the various threads and seen a substantial amount of conflicting feedback/reviews.

Thank you in advance.

Sorry if missed
how old is your ds?
Does current prep for to year 8?

It hardly seems worth typing, but I didn’t say the OP would need a guardian. I was responding to a particular post about parents working abroad - that is outside the UK.

Do wish people could read more carefully!

I missed the poster that assumed that simply because private it was going to be “rosy”

@tomatoandherbs I’m pretty sure no one asserted that! 🙄 I don’t understand why all conversations surrounding private education have to be peppered with comments about state school. There seems to be a tacit assumption that either state school hasn’t been considered, or OP is unaware of the benefits of a state education, or that OP thinks that paying for education will ensure a certain outcome. It’s rather tedious to say the least.

it was actually her that was making the assumptions without actually bothering to read the posts

OP, your ds is clearly at a school and in a culture where boarding for secondary is the norm and few think twice about distances involved either from the pov of logistics or parental involvement. I'd really urge you to choose as close to home as possible - yes, some parents are constructing bridges in Africa, but if you're not why on earth make that choice? Yes, your child can travel all over the country on trains for parties - but why? Fettes is a fantastic school, so go for it and if you really believe having your dc at the other end of the country is somehow better for him then go for the big guns Eton/Winchester, don't waste your time on the B-list.

Perfectly understandable why Fettes would be the only Scottish school youd be considering,would he board?,I seem to remember a few years ago it was pretty evenly split between day and boarders,dont know if that is still true..
Clearly from your description your Son is bright enough for Winchester but the rest of your description makes me think it might not be a fantastic fit,your son is keen on sport-you list Rugby they dont play it,the College is trying to get its team sports better but they arent seen as a force on the circuit,they are better at niche sports..
Im actually really surprised that a boy who you state is super outdoorsy and lov es assault courses,camping,kayaking etc is advised by a Head to put Winchester on his short list..
You are right plenty of Scottish parents make schools in England-including the south east-work without problems,what matters is that the school is the right fit for your son,if its an hour away-fine-if its six or seven hours away-fine-you make it work

The head seems to have just thrown out all the names of he big public schools with very little thought

if Eton and WinColl are A list (based on A level results) which are superior to most schools in the Uk, and Oundle B list then sadly Fettes would be C list at best. I see now why the OP prep head has included it as it is full boarding and maybe OP initially would have considered lower academics in favour of geographical location.

Yet OP has said time and again on this thread that academic excellence is a requirement which is precisely why there aren’t any Scottish schools which meet her shortlist.
OP is asking for advice on academic full boarding schools and has discounted the Scottish ones as they do not match the levels achieved further south. So no point beating that drum as she’s not looking for average, she’s looking for excellence.
i now suspect this is why Oundle has so many Scots as it’s probably the closest full boarding school to Scotland offering academic excellence! Results at Eton and WinColl are even higher but of course logistics from Scotland are tougher not to mention the initial entry requirements are also going to be correspondingly higher hence the need for other schools on the list as entry to those two schools are over subscribed.
i think your prep head has actually given you a good list OP. Now I’ve considered your requirements. They key all along was Scotland , full boarding and academics . The short list of schools is actually then surprisingly short!

If your son has more than a passing interest in sport then discount WinColl. I would suggest looking at Eton, Oundle and Uppingham.

@tomatoandherbs perhaps I make assumptions, based on having been through public school system, and hating it.

If there is a mental health wobble, it's good to be within two hours in my mind. When you send them to boarding schools, the parents will not be the number one influence, and this can be damaging.

I mentioned rosy, as private education doesn't come with any guarantees. I'm sure you all know this, but some people seem to not consider alternatives, even if it is putting huge financial pressure on themselves. If you can easily afford it, or have 100% bursary, all well and good.

I recently heard a solicitor friend of my parents complain about not being able to retire, as he's still financially supporting his DC, who went to private schools from 4-18. His DC do work, but they have middling salaries, and it doesn't stretch to shooting weekends, skiing holidays, and keeping up with their old school friends.

Similarly another of my parents friend's is paying the private school fees for the grandchildren. His daughter will not consider anything less, but she is separated from her DH (who we all believed to be rich). His supposed fortune was a house of cards, he's now a bankrupt, and she doesn't work. This friend of my parents is rich, but 60k a year school fees has meant they have had to sell some property, and caused them stress.

The above is all anecdotal, and not relevant to what OP originally asked. OP, if I was in your shoes, I'd consider one near home. I wouldn't want my 13 year old the other side of the country.

And yes all DC are precious. Even mine!

The comments about Winchester not being for a sporty boy are outdated ,if it was ever was the case. It's true that being a non sporty boy at Winchester is easier than at some other schools but most boys play lots of sports. They are opening a new £50. million sports centre next year, it's quite something to see. Rowing is very strong if that something that your son will be interested in @AviatorMama .They have started to play rugby recently bit as my son is not involved in it I don't know much about it. All sports are available to the boys as are all the other societies from day one.

The one thing that I will say is that a boy can actually be himself at Winchester. It's been fantastic for my son and he has excelled in ways I would have never thought possible..The school is a world away from our backgrounds but it was the best decision we ever made.

The pastoral care is superb, our matron is highly respected by the boys as is the housemaster. The boys have fun and my son wouldn't want to be anywhere else. He will definitely miss Winchester when he leaves but he has gained a wonderful confidence so I know that he has exciting times ahead. He feels that there is nothing beyond his reach.

They teachers are fantastic and really inspire the boys. We found Winchester a very warm and welcoming place from our first visit. It might not be for your son but I would recommend you visit along with the other choices that your headmaster has suggested.

Best of luck with your search.

But on a thread just last week you say that you are open to the idea but finances mean it would be too much of a struggle. But you will revisit the issue of private schooling for your child if there is a major change.

So I am confused re your stance?!

came across the thread as researching my son’s next private school

In any event
my particular issue with your post was your barbed and entirely unnecessary “your precious DS”

@tomatoandherbs we can kinda afford private school, but it's not loose change for us. It's a heck of a lot of money, and our lifestyle would need to change, which would be a shock. At the moment DC are very happy in their local schools, and we are happy without the financial stress! DH and I have both said if we have any major issues with state (this would be the major change) we would consider private. Couldn't ever afford Eton mind.

Yet OP has said time and again on this thread that academic excellence is a requirement which is precisely why there aren’t any Scottish schools which meet her shortlist.

Wow! Are the genuinely NO Scottish schools offering academic excellence? I'm amazed to hear that because the many Scots I know (my mother is Scottish and was educated in Scotland and went to Oxford, for one) seem pretty switched on.

Academic and full boarding is what the OP and her son are looking for. (Am sure there are many academic schools all over the UK 🙂.)

Plenty of academic and full boarding options in Scotland. Although comparing apples with pears to compare two completely different education systems. Perhaps the English system is considered superior?

Winchester does have a wonderfully atmosphere, it feels very civilized. The boys have real respect for each other and their Dons.
I agree with the pp who said that you need to go and visit.

If your. DS is sporty , musical or wants to get involved in debating , MUN or any other of the many societies they offer , he will find his place there . Hopefully someone will come along with DS's at one of the other schools on your list but I can highly recommend Winchester if your DS wants to board @AviatorMama .

Taking you at your word, @AviatorMama* that you are happy with the list and want help discerning for yourself what suits rather than responding to lots of other suggestions, I’d say the discernment questions could boil down to Location, Liberalness and Learning.*
By Location I’m thinking about the environment and how the ‘hierarchy of needs’ reflects your DS’s requirements. Would he be happier in a campus style school or a town setting? Would he prefer everything to be on hand or will he happily venture out on a wet February morning for breakfast in a central hall? Is there a trade off between stellar facilities and pupil access to the facilities? How important are the sleeping arrangements- is own room or sociable sharing preferable? At some schools the House is the essential unit so would he prefer this, or a more integrated arrangement?
By Liberalness I’m thinking about the responsibility vs control ethos. Some adolescents need more structure and feel psychologically safer if they know the rules and exactly what is expected of them. Others relish freedom to make their own mistakes and take responsibility for their daily choices. It’s worth exploring with the schools (ideally including the pupil view) whether they are high or low control. A look at compliance with uniform requirements is a starting place because as a cohort the pupils will stretch those rules as far as they can get away with. Do a mullet count! Incidentally, of the schools you’ve listed Winchester is probably the outlier as an extremely liberal institution, perhaps down to a bit of intellectual arrogance that rules are for the unintelligent.
And then there’s Learning. You’ve highlighted your DS’s academic strength, but how does he learn best? Some schools offer very structured teaching whilst others encourage self-directed or exploratory learning. What level of questioning is welcomed? How much is exam-driven and how much is learning for its own sake? Does your DS want to spend Saturday evenings writing an essay or might he prefer to be playing sport, music or (God forbid!) relaxing. Does he like learning individually or in groups?
Lastly, any child in boarding school needs two things; firstly to find their tribe- because that’s where the much-vaunted lifelong friendships are born. So a school that has other pupils he will have something in common with will help. Secondly every boy needs something that confers status. Boys’ schools can be quite muscular communities and it is hard to be at the bottom of the pecking order. If you can find a school where the pupils will value what he brings that will ease his passage through. That can be from the obvious attributes like wealth, sports prowess or scholastic brilliance, but it can just as easily come from being able to make people laugh, being a super mediator or a cheerful morale-booster. The trick is probably to avoid a school where your DS’s top attribute is also possessed by everyone else. In particular a boy whose chief claim to fame is cleverness might find himself suffering if everyone else is just as clever and he has no other USP. The big fish vs big pond consideration is one to work through, knowing your child and which will help him flourish most.

Still can't believe no Scottish boarding school is sufficiently academic but hey - clearly this is a peer group where everyone goes to England to board and for some reason this is considered superior. I'd strongly suggest looking to the several posts here saying why boarding isn't a great idea in general and if you must then make it close to home, if your son is academic he'll do well in any context. I simply don't believe Oundle and Uppingham would offer a superior education and Eton and Winchester (as well as the other two) are all viewed with suspicion now both by universities and employers

Secondly every boy needs something that confers status. Boys’ schools can be quite muscular communities and it is hard to be at the bottom of the pecking order. If you can find a school where the pupils will value what he brings that will ease his passage through.

This is brilliant, and much better put than my stock phrase ‘a school that really wants your child’. But it’s exactly what I always mean. In terms of boarding - a good housemaster, when interviewing prospective boys will discern which of them will bring qualities needed in the house, whether for cohesion, leadership or simply fun. He won’t choose ten boys (per year) who are all exactly the same. It’s for this reason that, every year, parents wonder why such and such prizewinning child didn’t get a place at X.

@AviatorMama I can only assume your son is at Cargy? My DB is actually at Fettes and I can tell you now that 20% of 3rd form is now made up of Chinese children. He’s also lost 5 of his teachers since September. His best friend is leaving to start 4th form at a school down south and from the sounds of it a few of his other friends are considering trying to jump ship.

Every year the Oxbridge forums are full of Scottish parents that have had children following the Scottish exam system not getting in ,many of them state they believe A levels are held in higher regard by Oxbridge..

Oxbridge doesn't hold schools like Eton, Winchester, Oundle and Uppingham in much regard either any more ... I honestly would not choose a private education, let alone boarding, on the basis of Oxbridge potential

As for, my son wants to board - he's 10! He's in a school where children are prepared for boarding schools. It's not really a great reason to choose boarding. Your choice, OP, but most parents don't blindly follow the wishes of a 10-yr-old. It sounds like boarding is being heavily pushed and you're swallowing the Kool Aid.