Terrible bullying- can I remove dd from her private school- right before her GCSEs?

[Seniorschooldesperation]

I’m currently desperate for advice.
Dd is 16 and has been at her current private school for 5 years. Throughout these 5 years dd has been the target of a group of bully girls in her year group. There was a very serious incident 3 years ago that resulted in the suspension of several girls and the expulsion of one.
The main antagonist has never been punished. This bully is very devious and clever and insatiable in her appetite for dd.
Recently the bully ( female also 16) has dramatically upped her behaviour. I believe the reasoning behind this is she’s leaving after GCSEs in June so she can do what she wants.
So this week this bully actually elbowed me in the back (yes a parent) and followed my husband and I around parents evening heckling us - apparently no one noticed this.
The bully has been asked to keep out of my dds house while an investigation takes place but consistently disobeys and shouts through the Window to other students and has entered twice in 2 days.
Currently such is this bully’s sphere of influence - no one talks to my dd anymore. Dad sits in her dorm at lunch and hides there alone at every opportunity (dd only boards on a Friday night but has a dorm). Dd is ridiculed and jeered at by said bully and all of dds ex friends who’re now the bullies friends. They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man.
The investigation concludes today. However the bully has been laughing uproariously at her friends who are being interviewed and she’s heavily involved in shaping the outcome. Which will be nothing.
Dd is currently calling me begging me to come and collect her.
What the hell do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

That's not true. Harassment and in this case, prolonged severe harassment is something you can take up with the police. You've exhausted all measures in the school and you're daughter isn't safe going back, that is something you can take up with the police as it also endangers other minors present in the school.

The police couldn’t help us. It had to be classed as a ‘special group’. Given they’re saying your DD is male and/or trans etc. That’ll be ‘special group’ harassment. So you may get somewhere. It’s worth a call. They’ll explain exactly what they can help with and what they can’t.

OP i thought you said the school had to bar the bully from entering your DD's house or something like to that effect? that's evidence of bullying.
Have you taken a photo of the transgender stuff they wrote on the wall about her?
What about you and your husband being heckled and elbowed at parents mtg (gobsmacked at that) its a shame you kept quiet about that.
What about the yelling at DD at the dining table with the housemistress present? are they denying all that?

You’ll want justice but be prepared not to get it and focus on getting your DD’s self worth back up there. I spent too much time fighting every corner. It ate me up so much it was hard to actually focus on my DD and her health etc rather than getting justice. I so wanted them all to be punished for the harm they’d done.

They’re explaining everything away tbh

It was a joke ... it was an accident....

Minimising.

When I was in the house and she elbowed me there was no other adults about// it would be inappropriate of me to confront her in the school house as a visiting adult iyswim? It could’ve looked like I was being aggressive...

'What about the yelling at DD at the dining table with the housemistress present? are they denying all that?'

Is this acknowledged by them?

chimpparadox

I totally relate to what you’re saying

I’m not saying don’t fight for justice but be careful it doesn’t become all consuming.

Acknowledged but minimised ...

You need to think what your priorities are, e.g. :

• DD & her mental health
• DD's GCSEs
• your money
• an apology
• getting school to improve for future
• justice

@teenplustwenties exactly!! I wish someone had shown me your list this time last year!!

Yes tween

Dh has withdrawn from a conference Tom and will be home mid morning. He said he needs to be with dd now until we forge a plan together. ❤️

I’m grateful to you all for holding us up until then

A police report is a viable option specifically in relation to this:

"They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man."

Do you have any evidence of who sent the photo as this could be taken as either cyber bullying or a hate crime. Hate crime is a bit of a push if DD isn't transgender but the fact that they are using transphobic imagery and language is an issue.

I would let DD take the lead on next steps regarding her education, if she wants to home school or move to a local state school till the end of GCSEs but think you need to escalate as far as you can with the school. Have you considered logging a complaint with Ofsted if they are Ofsted registered? Or going direct to the board of governors.

Dd has just received a snap chat of a girl in the year below with the ‘bully’ in the picture- it’s obviously a taunting attempt.

I would go get her absolutely. But I do wonder if it's been so serious for the last 3 years why you haven't done something sooner? It reads like such a horrible, lonely experience.

If she has any strength left I would be saying, do your exams, don't let them take that away from you and then plan to make life better for her.

Op please tell dd that so many of us on here endured terrible bullying at school - I certainly did and it made me believe I would never be socially acceptable or meet a partner. I now am so happy and she will of course find her tribe.

I won’t comment on stuff with school as you have decided on how to proceed with that but just a quick hope that she has an outside school hobby where there are some peers she is connected with

Yes mey that’s our plan

Ask her to stay off social media so she doesn't have to be involved with them outside off school.
Can she study from home most class work should be nearly finished.

Tbf dds social media is pretty locked down. She rarely posts because of this and has a private account with few friends. This Snapchat was from a random - it was an opportunity- like i said this bully is actively looking for opportunities and turns up wherever she can.

She’ll be incredibly tempted to follow the extent of the ostracism and thus social media but she definitely needs to be off it and block anyone other than totally loyal friends. I’m hoping she’s got one or two (ideally outside school) as that’ll help tremendously.
You’ve made a huge step getting her out of the situation and her knowing that you have her back will be a massive relief for her!

First - if DH doesn’t take a lawyer - he bloody should or at least someone who’ll take notes introduced as Mr Smith - no details needed.

DH should make a list of issues - questions and expectations

This should be followed up by an email ..... as discussed in our meeting on x date at y time where we agreed X YZ

NOTE the deadline for exam entry is this Friday either via the school or at a local college if you are prepared to pay separately otherwise she’ll have to sit them there -

As someone who suffered awful bullying- keep her out. She may well actually do better in GCSEs if she isn't worrying about being bullied.

I haven't RTFT. Take her out immediately her MH is more important, the pressure of exams and bullying could push her over the edge.

I would present the school with the catalogue of evidence
If they do nothing remove your child and get her some tutors. In the meantime tell every parent you can about the mean b1tch. That way if the school doesn't do everything at least everyone will be aware. Some of the mud may stick