DS wants to repeat Year 13

[user20]

Hi,

My 18 y/o DS who is in Year 13 and is due to finish school forever at the end of this year is wanting to go back next year to repeat the year. He is currently out on study leave.

Basically, he is only doing one a level as his attendance was below 80%, not just this year but last year in year 12 too.

He has had no valid reason for this behaviour, he has just been lazy and made excuses and turned up to school whenever and when it suited him.

He is an intelligent guy, he got 4As and 1B and 2Cs in his GCSEs, It has annoyed me and my DH a lot over the last two years that he has wasted his potential like this, he could have done so much better.

I just want him to have a better life and employment opportunities.

He just seemed so distracted over sixth year, he just seems to be always on his phone and listening to music and on social media. he was missing deadlines, not revising for exams, well last year he did but left it to very close to the exams and came out with 2Ds and a C in his AS exams which is impressive for somebody who didn't bother going to school or revising.

The school were meant to Kick him out so many times as they tried working with him but he didn't co operate, the workload got too much and he had to drop down to one a level a few months ago as it was too much work to do in such a short period of time.

He has a btec ict exam in a few days and hes done nothing for it - he can't even be bothered to work for one exam.

He has said often that he regrets his behaviour as he knows he was capable of doing more and maybe going to uni in September, I wouldn't be bothered if he chose not to go to uni but I think he needs his a levels.

Anyway, after a long wasted two years, reality has kicked in as he now wants to have a good career and has found out that if he were to start a two year a level course at an FE College, his education wouldn't be funded from September 2020 onwards.

He now wants the option to go back to school next year and repeat Year 13 - is it likely after all this carry on that they'll have him back?

titchy I don't think this is made up.

It reads to me like a poster who although wants her child to do well, isn't that well informed and who has trusted the school & her son far too much. She accepts statements from her son at face value, and doesn't question to deepen her understanding or even to check their veracity.

She is clearly a 'hands off' parent who lets her DC, however incapable, of finding their own way.

It seems to me that OP's son is desperately in need of an informed parent helping guide to make a good decision, and then advocating for him.

I too think it's made up. I'm not going to report though because it's amusing

You need to go - or at least dial in as a conference because
An 18 year old in the wrong will be easily cowed
Point out neither of you realised if he sat the exams he wouldnt be allowed to repeat
Point out echp and funding goes to 25.
Etc

This has to be one of the most frustrating threads ever on MN.

It quite simply isn't a case of the school "forgiving" your son and "allowing" him a second shot. He's completed 2 years and has had his funding. Yes they should have kicked him out last year which would have given him some more options to repeat/start again down the line.

Some facts:
His GCSE grades really don't indicate an ability for good grades at A level
His A level choices really don't indicate any desire to be a Barrister

She won't explain/doesn't know what he applied to do at uni
She won't explain/doesn't know why he chose the A levels he did
She won't explain/doesn't know what happened to the remaining GCSEs
She won't explain/doesn't know what's happened to the ICT BTEC to date
She is not taking his MH issues into consideration, at all, despite an ECHP.

Just fixated on school giving him another chance because "he's sorry" but no indication he means it (no working for the BTEC ICT which should be easy for him tbh.)
Talk about tunnel vision.
Some really inspiring stories here on alternative routes, that it isn't A levels or dead end job, all ignored by the OP.

This has to be one of the most frustrating threads ever on MN. Which is quite evident by some of the replies from over-invested posters. Some very inspiring stories though - I have a few of my own - grit is a wonderful asset to acquire, but how to is the question!

'With great power comes great responsibility '
I think that applies mainly to the dc but also to the parents.
He hasnt been doing very well sorting things out himself and ended up just dropping things.
He needs to completely consider subjects and what he got As at at gcse. Look at what he enjoys most and the syllabusses.
He looks like he does well at what he enjoys.

Really you must go with him.

Dd has additional needs, she 20 and doing brilliantly at Uni with lots of support.

She had a meeting yesterday about an amazing job opportunity and I went with her in the car so she could chat stuff through and arrive with a clear head.

I'm 50 and yet sometimes my husband comes to things with me for support and I for him despite both being relatively well functioning successful adults.

user20 - @cantkeepawayforever he is an adult now so why on earth do I need to go to the meeting with him if he doesn't want me there??

Well he may be physically 18 but most kids with Aspergers syndrome are not socially mature or adult. Socially he is probably more like a 14-15 year old and you wouldn't leave a child of that age to just flounder would you? AS children often need support after school leaving age.

A kid with Aspergers syndrome will struggle without structure which is why A-levels are often the time that they experience significant difficulties as there is much more required in terms of self-motivation and individual study. It is a common response for kids to get overwhelmed with the demands, not know where to start and just to stop doing anything as a response to the stress that they cannot cope with.

However most parents, when faced with a child with disabilities who has had a disaster at school, would be stepping in, would be contacting the school themselves, would be researching alternatives. But you seem determined to let your son sink or swim by himself - and at the moment that probably means that he will sink. Frankly he may not be able to get a retail job.

You need to sit down calmly and talk to him about what options exist:

1. a repeat school year?
2. college - can he get funding? Are you able to fund him?
3. A Gap year where he works full time for a year or 2 until he knows what he wants to do? (I know someone who worked as a binman, it gave him a jolt as he didn't like it, returned to FE college, got A levels, went to Uni and became a qualified professional accountant)
4. Will the Open University accept him? although he may not be self motivated to study
5. an apprenticeship

If you don't help him sort out a plan he is going to struggle.

Excellent post Lunde

@LynetteScavo well if you think it's made up then that's fine by me but I can assure you I'm not the kind of person that gets their enjoyment out of making nonsense threads!

I have too much to do for me to even have time to do that!

I can't believe you don't even know whether your DS has a statement of SEN or an EHCP!

I also can't believe you clearly haven't attended your DS' annual reviews otherwise you would have had discussions on the next steps prior to now. From Y9 annual reviews usually involve a section on discussing transition to adulthood.

If he has an EHCP it would be unwise to jump in with a job when he's not ready because the EHCP will cease (other than apprenticeship).

@10brokengreenbottles I can't remember what he has. I've attended all annual reviews. Id need to look at the paperwork and I don't know where it all is

Oh lord.

Look, User20, you do need to support him with that sort of admin. He can't (yet) do it, and he is no longer the responsibility of the school. You NEED a file of evidence containing his diagnosis letters, medical letters, school history and Annual Reviews. He is going to need it.

I don't want to be harsh. I have every sympathy, actually, because the bloody SEN paperwork is awful to keep on top of, and I have whacking great boxes of scratty letters that need to be hauled out and photocopied and submitted to some random person (who generally returns it grumbling that there was 'insufficient evidence of diagnosis X', but hey).

If you look at user20 history of posts quite possibly she also has some sort of arrested learning. Previous posts re her DS was asking about his weight/ being fat but no idea of his height other than based on a Christmas tree. Then asking about her dog eating fish food.
Genuinely her son hasn’t a hope in hell. I know this is harsh but so many of you are offering such kind and thoughtful advice but I sincerely think it’s wasted effort.

Well, yes.

I only came across the concept of poor executive functioning (short term memory, organization skills, planning things, adapting, self-motivating etc) during the diagnostic process for DS, and unfortunately realised it also describes me to a T -- these things can run in families, so I wouldn't be surprised if you have something of the same barrier to keeping on top of the admin, User20?

Yes, I know you mentioned you have a degree, career etc - me too. Still really struggle with some 'life' things though.

@Arewedone seriously? What have my previous posts got to do with anything? Glad you lot are such perfect parents and are 100% flawless. Must be lovely.

@Arewedone and that's quite insulting in all honesty. My DS has messed up, who hasn't before? I don't condone what he did but how can you say he doesn't have a hope in hell when in fact he can actually turn this around in whatever he chooses to do next? That's a very nasty and mean comment and very untrue. He may have failed his exams this time around but doesn't mean he's stuffed it forever. He change this if he wants.

He could be sitting with a degree and a nice house in 10 years time for all we know.

'Arrested learning' is the wrong phrase, User20, but honestly, your posts sound a bit chaotic to me (and in a very familiar sort of way -- I too struggle to remember the outcome of meetings I've sat through and concentrated in, lose paperwork etc).

Your son is going to need effective help, though, not just wishful thinking.

You don't mention your DH's role in this - maybe he should go to a meeting if one is set up.

@Lancelottie dont see anything wrong with my posts - they're just basic posts about simple things. So for them to bring my other threads into this thread is ridiculous and unnecessary.

But Iike I said, I'm glad everybody else on here is so perfect that they do everything right by their kids 24/7. I'm not perfect and how the hell can I remember everything at the top of my mind? God forgive me, I need to check some paperwork because I can't remember a whole 7 years worth of information!

User20- no one is perfect and parenting is a constant challenge but looking at your posting history you do appear to have issues. No amount of concern, advice, help offered here is helping you as you fail to grasp the most basic advice. Your previous posts are insightful as to your thought processing.

And I’m not being mean suggesting your son doesn’t have a hope in hell because of his ability- it’s because of the lack of support you are willing to give

@user20

None of us are perfect parents. Some of us are parents that have found ourselves in very similar positions with children with similar disabilities to those of your son. We have posted some of the actions that we took/considered and what helped our own children in the process. However you have not acknowledged any of these posts so It's unclear whether you want this type of help and advice.

It looks like your son will be leaving school in the coming few weeks. If the school won't allow a resit year - what is the big plan? What do you and your son see him doing in September?

@Arewedone excuse me "you do appear to have issues" This is snob central! How do I have issues? Please do enlighten me!! How do my previous posts suggest I have issues? Do you know what I am starting to regret even making this thread - I only made it to get some advice and it's turned into a series of personal attacks against me as well as belittling me. Very very nasty indeed

@Lunde I am taking on aboard what everybody says, there is so much he can do with himself - I made this thread because he wants the option to go back to school next year. That's why I made it. I don't agree with it, but he should be considered.