Have we got a starting Secondary School Support thread?

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I’ve just just asked DD what the sandwich box and bottle are for in the fridge. It turns out she’s made her first packed lunch ready for school. She doesn’t start till next Tuesday

We're still riding the waves of "everything is fine, I'm very happy" (and seeming it!! Hallelujah!) to tiredness or some stress hitting and DD having a screaming match at us (we really try to not respond, but sometimes we have to).

She's doing her homework pretty well, this week seems a little lighter so maybe they were frontloading a little to get them used to it. She's also getting the hang of prioritizing work - although I have to write out the list in day order, at least she wants me to do that (she has actually asked a few times) and is then using that to cross off things and make sure things are done on time. And she's getting better at remembering all the books she needs for that night's homework (and starting to leave the odd one for that subject that she doesn't need that night, in the locker!).

And there were no sports yesterday afternoon because of the weather (and Prizegiving Awards afternoon) so even less homework and a free afternoon, so we had coffee together and then she got to play with her friend that she had barely seen since starting back. Lots of giggles in the sitting room, which was great.

Meanwhile, I am about to shell out a couple of grand for another Ed Psych evaluation - the old one is too old and there are no NEPs slots available (the State, free, system). But at least school are supporting that, and are hoping it can give DD an exemption for 1 subject so she can get specific resource timetabled lessons (and lose the stress of that subject).

We're lucky, there doesn't seem to be any issue with bullying but we did have serious issues in primary. I hope the schools can all react to it properly for the DCs who are having issues.

DD's school do the alphabetical seating too - she hadn't mentioned that she was sitting next to the same person in every lesson. They have been put into maths sets now, so that's one lesson that will be different.

Gave her a lift to school again this morning rather than the bus, she's still not well.

Sorry to hear about the children who are having 'physical difficulties' bullying with their new schoolmates. So worrying for a parent. My DD has a couple of girls in her new school that have picked on her during her time at primary - one thing about a really big school is that she doesn't really see them now, luckily, as they get lost in the crowd.

I am really impressed with the way my DD has coped with getting the bus to school by herself. She was looking forward to a bit of independence. Although it's a school-only service, the large number of pupils means there is a heck of a lot of buses all together to choose from! Each pupil's bus pass does have the number of the service they should be on so the driver can redirect if they try to board the wrong one!

I’m sorry to hear of so many physical incidents for posters’ dc. It’s horrible, and I hope they can be supported to get past what is happening to them.

Dd2 is still falling apart. Today was a bad morning - her form teacher was not there to meet her as promised, she wasn’t sure whether she was starting an extra music group or not, and it’s school play auditions today and she is (seemingly) the only one not to have received an email with script/instructions.

She did really well in accepting being accompanied to the music block by the receptionist, but ultimately, despite her form teacher catching us up, dd2 couldn’t go into the music group. I’m not sure that she will manage it at all now that she has (in her eyes) made such a fool of herself by being there, seen by the others, but then not going in.

She is having huge issues getting into school at all. School are being very patient, but are at a loss as to how to deal with it. I sympathise, but an only wait with her for so long (I have to get dd1 to school as well, plus am not allowed to be roaming school freely so need to be accompanied back to main reception by her form teacher, and for obvious reasons there is a time pressure on that).

I just don’t know what more I can do to help her. She is mentally falling apart, her anxiety is through the roof, and every strategy we try fails.

There are days when I bloody hate autism.

Are there schools with autism units near you Permanent? My friends ds started school refusing in the first term at secondary after he had been unable to go into classrooms due to anxiety. She got him an ehcp at this point and at the start of year 8 got him a place at a mainstream school with an asd unit attached. He has done really well there since moving.

It’s complicated, Titsy (when isn’t it )

Short answer is, yes - there’s a school at the end of our road. But she wouldn’t go there, or get a place - she wouldn’t get an ehcp without a huge fight, so need to find another way to solve this.

She’s at an independent school (non-selective, so no pressure there), and wouldn’t cope with a bigger school (there’s 15 in her form, less than 60 in her year).

I have dd1, with severe autism and learning g difficulties. She is at a SN school. She’s 2 years older than dd2, and dd2 has pretty much spent her life minimising her autism on the basis that ‘I’m not like dd1’. Which is true, superficially. But in autism terms, they are very similar, and dd2 has had the benefit of piggybacking on most of dd1’s strategies, accepting them as ‘the way we do stuff for dd1’ without truly acknowledging how much they benefit her too. I also have ds (only 6) who also has ASD. Ot is mostly since his dx that dd2 has begun to accept she has ASD too, as there is now ‘someone like her’ to identify with.

She masks it all at school, hates to be seen as different. She is actually fine once in (well, it’s only 2 weeks in, and she’s missing her last school, but you know, doing ok), but she is finding it tough actually initiating the transition, and once she’s paused and given headroom to the panic, then it’s a downward spiral.

She’s conflating a lot of issues - she struggled going in to her last school sometimes, even in year 6 after being there since preschool year. We’re jist at a point where she’s rejecting ideas being floated to help (go to library instead of registration, giving her time to get her head together before starting the day, or the music block if she’s rather; having set tasks to do to occupy her thoughts, so she is busy during registration) but the current set up can’t continue as it’s disrupting too many people - her form teacher needs to get on with registration, I need to get back to dd1 and get her to school in the next county. She knows this, which of course only adds to the pressure and doesn’t help.

Once she gets going with the school day, she’s ok. Engaging with lessons, has some (tentative) friends. She’s just reached her limit of ‘new’ I think.

Sorry to hear about the DC having problems.

Permanent My DS prefers to be placed at the back of all classrooms by the door so if he's distressed others can't see and he can sneak in and out, may not work with the setup but that helped him. He walks to school by himself, that was recommended to us by last school Head but do find its trial and error with ASD, keep trying until something gets through. He hates anything which makes his difference obvious to other children. With mainstream kids at last school then said parent leaves asap is best but not sure if that works with ASD, they also said rewards initially. DS actually went to school an hour early when they did bacon sandwiches for a week, school said they wished they had known earlier. I am wondering about supplying his form tutor with biscuits 😎 though he seemed to be settling (before the next panic).

DS has had CATS this week.

I think they sit alphabetically, Penguins, so being placed out of order would make her ‘different’, but otherwise it’s that kind of thing she needs.

I’m just tired, I think. I’m in the middle of a protracted and messy divorce, with exH being a twunt most of the time (still living here as refuses to move out, and I can’t afford to). Despite me being adamant I can’t manage 3 dc with SN going to 3 different schools in 3 different counties, and him agreeing to help out - he is (unsurprisingly) not doing so, hence the pressures at drop off for dd2. So I have doubled my school run timings, am absorbing all the emotional fallout from all 3 dc (school wise - they don’t know about the divorce, although do know something is amiss, so I’m absorbing the fallout from that too), and can’t see me getting a break anytime soon. It’s relentless and exhausting. I could do without the endless circular discussion with dd2 each night about what she could try/what could be done differently (short answer: nothing) lasting until about 11pm.

Oh crikey Portakabin my prayers are with you tonight

I thought my DS was settling into yr 7 secondary school -most days I've walked him there and he has come home alone / some days he's walked there alone however yesterday he set off to school then came back. I was still at home and took him to school. He said he'd been nervous, apparently he missed his detention for forgetting his homework which he had left at home. Apparently he leaves lessons when he gets annoyed, I've asked him what makes him annoyed (I think it's frustration, feeling stupid, thinking he doesn't understand the lessons) apparently today he ran away from a member of staff and knocked things on the floor to stop the member of staff from keeping up with him, apparently he said he didn't want to go to games because he was tired (because he keeps leaving lessons to stand in the corridor) and he missed one lesson because he started drawing in the inclusion room to calm down (he gets very absorbed in drawing). He's lost items of clothing and now house keys, phone and zip card. A member of staff from inclusion has called me to explain what kind of day he had today and has expressed surprise that he didn't get any funding in primary school. Not sure how to tackle it with him, he is happy now he is home, he slept well yesterday. When I ask what the problem is he says he doesn't know! But he has always been frustrated by his learning.

That sounds really tough Penguin . Do you have to do all the transport yourself? If dd1’s school is named on an EHCP she should be eligible for transport.

Funny how the thread I started over in SN chat on starting secondary mainstream had very few responses but so many on here have DC with additional needs.
Ds has clocked up a third detention this week, 2nd with the same teacher.

So sorry you are going through all that Permanent, 3 kids alone is a lot without ASD and divorce thrown in. DS also hates coming up with ideas, think that means admitting you have a problem.

Strawberry Is your DS ASD? Mine isn't officially diagnosed, had support at last school but not enough for EHCP and a lot of those things sound like him on a very bad day other than he hates art. He loses everything and apparently through his French book last week and primary let him walk out of lessons. Mine is also fine at home. Our school is just starting to make adjustments for him, maybe contact senco if you haven't already. I think them going easy on homework detentions etc at this time helps plus mine has been given a TA told about support room and a staff member is looking after his locker key as he will lose it plus he's being told in advance about cover teachers and all teachers have been warned he is ASD.

Form tutor has just e-mailed and they have found his PE kit 😎, and they are pre warning him about cover teachers.

DD has been out again for a change.

Mine both walk to school by themselves cheminotte, its Permanent who takes them.

I would maybe have a word with the school, 3 detentions in one week by same teacher seems too much for an ASD child just starting though do sympathise with teachers having 30 kids including ASD by themselves. Rather them than me.

Oh portakabin that sounds like a melting pot of pressure from all directions. I have 3 at 3, and the stress of trying to make sure they all have what they need and are where they are meant to be, is quite a thing. I have it relatively easy compared to you, in that only 2 out of my 3 have 'issues', and DD1 gets transport from the door (although I have to be back at set times), then DD1 gets the bus from the next road and DD3 can walk to school or I can take her. Home time is a bit of a juggle though.

Strawberry your school needs to take action quickly, surely? They need to make adjustments for him to allow him to cope at school.

It was me who had a bit of a meltdown today. DS1's tie went AWOL - he and dp thought it was on our dining table, which is basically used for all purposes and then some, and has way way too much clutter on it. I hadn't seen it. As DS1 only looked for it just before going and I was having a bath and washing my hair, I couldn't help and he had to go to school without it. The finance office rang and I could hear my child sounding upset in the background but she was just "oh you can buy another tie on Parentpay". I said, I know, and I will if we can't find this one but I am totally sure it's in the house and planned that we would all look for it this evening". After this I got angry and cried and wrote a furious rant on FB. It really isn't the tie, I'm so stressed about the combination of rules and there being so many ways to end up in detention, and I worried that this was my fault (while rationally knowing it wasn't really).

Anyway, DS1 didn't get detention, and when I got back from collecting DS2 he was home - he had even found a front door key which was missing for the last 3 days, hiding in his bag - of course I had suggested a proper bag search. When dp came in he thought he'd have a quick look in the drawer where DS1 has been putting his tie. It was there! I can only conclude we have the Borrowers living under our floorboards!

I also have a load of really sympathetic responses from my FB rant and we have all survived the first uniform hiccup, so am beginning to feel a bit better. And reading about those of you coping with a range of special needs and 3 different schools and loads of other stuff really puts my anxieties into perspective.

Penguinsetpandas no, ADHD. He's had detention tonight where he got some homework and I go a phone call, I've been emailing as well. They're worried that the staff have actually been too soft on him - I don't understand his comments that he's felt angry in class and he has been given a pass by the SENCO to go to stand in the corridor. So he's spent the day mostly out of class in corridors on his own!? That's so sad.

Mine had that at the old school Strawberry, first year he had it he spent in the corridor on a desk they got for him and he got quite isolated but next 2 years he just used it occasionally and it worked. I am not sure if new school are doing this, I think for occasional use its good but when they live in the corridor or use it to opt out its not. I prefer a desk too so he is working at either location in theory. Mine isn't being given detentions which works for him as he refused school one day when he was scared he would get one. Mine responds but to kind, patient but firm.

Sorry for the stress people have been having.
Dd's school have suddenly got very detention happy this week with year 7. I think they hold off a bit the first couple of weeks. No tie for girls in dc school although they did at primary and we had several.
Dd got a bit tearful this evening saying she was worried about getting a detention as sometimes she can't help laughing in class when other people are messing about. I said to look down at her work and think of something else/something sad. I said I'll understand if she gets a detention for accidentally forgetting something but not if it's for being rude/disrespectful or disruptive.
Her class sound naughtier than dd1's. Dd1 had an extremely strict form tutor but it paid off as they've always been a calm class.

Sorry for getting my penguins and my portakabins mixed up!

It’s tricky penguin as the school put loads of extra support in place - 1:1 support, scribing etc but he doesn’t want it and some of these are a direct result of him eg refusing to let someone write his homework down for him. As others with ASD kids will know, it’s all about how he gets on with the teacher and he does not like the teacher who has given him 2 detentions this week and fear the feeling is mutual.

It's such a shame, isn't it, that good behaviour management isn't shared from special schools out to mainstream. In DD1's SS, if she gets angry/frustrated in class, it is seen as a positive behaviour for her to leave the class for a period of time, calm down, and then return quietly to the class and resume her work. As long as she doesn't wander too far from her classroom, doesn't spend too long outside, and returns calmly, it is seen as self-regulation and is not punished.

I understand that numbers are larger at mainstream schools, but not every child needs to be able to do that. For children with those needs though, wouldn't it be better for them to know that they could step outside, cool down, then return when they are ready to resume their lesson? Why keep them boiling away with no escape hatch? What does that achieve?

Joining the thread a bit late!
But stressing none the less we are on week 2 and have changed schools!!! We got offered a place from the waiting list of our preferred school on monday and while i didn't expect my daughter to accept she did very happily! She started today.
I feel like ive lost 20lbs this week 😅 but she seems happy!

permanent would it help if a friends could meet her at the gate and sit with her somewhere before the day begins?

Sorry to everyone else having stress. It's so ridiculous that they get so hung up on bits of uniform. As if anyone failed at anything big in life because they didn't have their tie on!

pizzaandcoke hope your daughter settles in well. One of my DD's friends was offered a place at nearer school the day before term started. They had to rush around buying all the new uniform so that he was ready for it.

I find there's a lot of inconsistency on how detentions are given out at the dc's school. Some give them the first time a homework is forgotten, some say to bring it in the next morning. Some give one the first time equipment is forgotten, some the second or third time

I'm hoping that some of you will be happy to help ds in his homework. He's got (he tells me) the most unreasonable homework ever (until Monday anyway)

He needs to ask at least 15 people in year 7 two questions and do a graph for it. Apparently this is ridiculously hard.

So if anyone can answer (happy to take pm if you don't want to put it on here)

1. How many siblings do they have? (half siblings count as a sibling)
2. How do they get to school?

Thanks!

Witchend:

1. 2
2. bus

HTH!

1. 1
2. Bus for 2 mins then walk for 25 mins