Boarding sixth form for anorexic DD?

[julieah]

I've homeschooled my DD for a few years as we pulled her out of school due to anxiety/anorexia. She's been following the english curriculum and wants to go back to school for sixth form to prepare for university etc. But we live in Scotland and none of the few english curriculum schools are near enough us. So I'm looking at boarding but every school seems to offer the same thing, i would feel better sending her away if the school had good pastoral care and is more structured than a college as i don't want her relapsing as soon as she gets away from home! She's fairly bright and will probably get As in her GCSEs but isn't especially sporty. My other DD went all through the state school system so i'm completely lost here. I'd also prefer if it didn't leave me bankrupt but that's flexible! Thank you!

I would contact schools and ask them their experience of the issues and their pastoral care initiatives. This could go one of two ways I think ... best of luck.

All boarding schools will claim to have good pastoral care and most do. But in your situation you don’t just want good pastoral care but excellent pastoral care. What you and your DD will experience very much comes down to the individuals you DD will be involved with, the house mistress other house staff tutor matron and the schools nurses. You need to be totally honest, talk to the admissions dept, explain your situation, the sort of person your DD responds to the best, the sort of person you can talk too, and ask to meet the HM other house staff etc, Ask to meet the head of the medical centre find out what experience they have of anorexia, I take it you have a method of managing it, discuss it with them. Do they seem helpful, interested and happy to help or are they saying yes we can do that here or no that won’t work we’d have to do it like that.
Boarding schools will take anorexics but they do have to be recovering contrary to what some parents think they are not extensions of CAMHs. The level of supervision especially for 6th formers is likely to be significantly less than you are doing at home, afterall each house will often have 60+ kids and 1 HM 1 assistant HM a matron who may or may not be residential, and 5-6 visiting other staff but they are not there all the time. You do the math. If your hoping for everymeal to be supervised that’s what a big ask. Is you DD happy to eat most foods? Most boarding school food is ok but lots of carbs, pasta etc sponge puddings etc.
To thrive at boarding you have to be pretty robust, anxious children do board but they often struggle especially in the beginning. I think I would be asking myself if my DD will have enough time to settle down and get on with her A levels at the same time. You say you know nothing about boarding it’s going to a big cultural shock. Communal living isn’t for everyone, and can definitely raise anxiety levels significantly. How quickly does your DD make friends? She’s been home schooled boarding is on the other end of the spectrum do you honestly think she’ll adapt to a totally different way of living, new friends, new environment or will this cause her anxiety/anorexia to rear its ugly head? To board successfully you have to be able to read situations very quickly adapt live alongside people you may not like some who are totally different to you, tilt untidy noisy very quiet, etc etc some find this difficult will your DD?
You need to decide what sort of boarding you want in you situation I wouldn’t consider full, (living in the school 7 days a week) she probably would benefit from knowing she can come home 1-2 of nights a week to get some space and peace. I always say don’t have the school more than a 1 1/2 hour each way travelling time you might want to be closer, so that you can easily get there if it all goes wrong.
I’ve worked in boarding schools and with anorexia although it’s not my field of expertise but it was my colleagues, if I’m being totally honest if I was told that a child was starting who’d been home schooled and had anxiety issues and anorexia alarm bells would’ve be really ringing, home schooled children do adapt to boarding but they often find it difficult, over the years I think at least 70% of those who were previously home schooled left after a shortish time. Those with significant anxiety issues can adapt to boarding, as do anorexics again I would say 70% didn’t stay or were politely asked to leave because they are unhappy and not schools have a duty of care and can’t keep safe especially if the anorexia is causing concerns.
I can’t recomend anywhere close to your home because it’s not my area.
My advise is think very carefully. I would be less concerned if you said you were familiar with boarding life, your DD had siblings there and knew about it was often in the school and was really keen to go. I’ve seen pretty robust new 6th form boarders really struggling feeling home sick, struggling to break into existing friendship groups, getting totally exhausted because boarding is very full on especially this term. Do you honestly think you’ll DD will be ok? Do talk to CAMHs or whoever you DD is seeing, ask them their opinion?

Have you checked if Scottish qualifications are accepted for the uni courses she's interested in? If so this might increase your options.

QGmum - scottish qualifications are accepted for every university, but the english system has a year extra so going back to scottish school would mean she would only have a year left to get 2 years worth of qualifications. Im not sure if a school would be willing to take her back a year so she could have the full 2, and if they would then that definitely opens up more options day school etc. Ill call a few schools and ask if that would be an option. Thank you!

happygardening - thank you so much for the reply, that's a lot to think about! She does make friends very quickly and is quite sociable i think, but that's worrying about the homeschoolers not adapting very well. I thought it might be okay as she was in the state school system for 9 years so maybe has more experience with difficult social interactions and dealing with people? She has been away from home before but in a situation where every meal was monitored to make sure she didn't skip it. I know a family with DS at loretto school and they regularly skip meals with no one noticing so i'm wary that she would just slip under the radar. If i can persuade DH to take her and let her go to school where he lives it may be a better option (there are 2 english curriculum schools near where he lives) but he would probably watch her less than the school! I think I will look again at day schools, I may have to move to where DH lives but I'd rather that than have her relapse.

Excellent advice from happygardening. I’m a teacher (have taught in day and boarding) and an ex-boarder myself. I wouldn’t recommend boarding unless you have no other option in this situation. We cannot provide the level of care which parents can (and I’d worry about a school which promised it could) and unfortunately anorexia can become ‘catching’ and intensified when you have many teenagers together. It really isn’t good as a parent not being able to see them daily as EDs tend to bring lying and manipulation and can be better hidden at school than at home (generally - of course there are exceptions such as if parents are travelling away a lot or uninvolved in their children’s lives - or even partially causing the ED - in those unusual cases a good school might be better).

Scipio - that's partly my issue, my DH has myalgic encephalomyelitis and I feel its having a really negative effect on DD. He only comes at weekends and wouldn't physically hurt her but she's terrified of him :/ I think it could go two ways, she could thrive in an environment away from her dad or she could relapse and have to come back home and we'd be right back to square one. She loves people so I'm not worried about the social aspect, although i wouldn't want to put other children at risk. I didn't think that she might 'pass it on' in a way.

One approach it to draw up a list of possible schools, and then be open wit the registrars. This would give you an idea of how able a school feels about taking your daughter and how much they seem to understand the issues.

Also do any of the professionals who are working with her have any suggestions. Including schools to avoid.

Also do you think co-ed might work better than single sex, or vice-versa?

needmoresleep - I think co-ed might be better for her, although i don't know the differences well so I'm not sure. She's used to being in a co-ed environment so would single sex be a big shock? However girls' schools may be better equipped to deal with EDs as they are more common in girls.
I've been recommended Gordonstoun as a possible school by someone she works with now, because it's a less pressured environment academically although I know it's very into the great outdoors hunting shooting fishing etc. and i'm not sure how she would feel about that. The pastoral care looks good but Ill definitely check with them about how equipped they are to deal with it and monitor her.
Also have been recommended to not go for schools such as westminster, rugby etc. A lot of pressure and high standards is definitely a great space for her ED to come out. DD is a real perfectionist so she really pressures herself enough and she could probably go without the extra push schools like that would give.

My dds old private school had a clause in the contract which said if you were found to have an eating disorder and refused treatment you would be expelled

OP, Have you considered your local FE colleges? They offer courses to get students into uni and I know from a friend who teaches at one that you can go straight into second year of a Scottish uni so equivalent to English qualification. Just a thought.

I’ve known a few over the years who’ve been to Gordonstoun with varying degrees of success. The impression I’ve been given from even its most ardent admirers is that outstanding pastoral care is not one of it’s stregnths.
In many boarding schools 6th formers receive minimal supervision, in preparation for university. In fact 6th formers often supervise younger pupils including meal times.
I agree with Scipio; be wary of schools that claim they can supervise/monitor meals, never forget the majority of boarding schools are struggling to fill their vacancies (whatever their website/admissions depts say) and want and need you money.
I agree anorexia isn’t catching but as Im sure your very aware anorexics feed off each other and there may be others (known or unknown) in a school.

How far is she is in any diet rehab programs, will she eat without supervision or does she need encouragement. How long does it take her to eat? Does she spend hours chopping all the food up, eating tiny mouthfuls and chewing each mouthful for 10 mins? Does she hide food or come up with endless reasons why she can’t eat a ham sandwich. If yes how do you invisage this working. Most kids at boarding schools chuck the food down their necks and rush off to the an activity or prep or to go down the shops or whatever. Her friends unless they’re anorexic themselves are not going to regularly sit there for an hour whilst she picks her way through a portion of macaroni cheese and rice pudding. Teachers aren’t going to supervise this they don’t have time. And If she’s unhappy and this exacerbates the anorexia and she stops eating what will happen then? Will you remove her from school, most schools expect a terms notice you may have to pay even if she been removed. Where will she go to school then? Will it be the same exam boards etc?
Years ago I met this —bloody odd— interesting group of Home educators, their children were all autistic savants (physics and math) the children in this group had a history of going to top universities they didn’t do A levels but OU qualifications that might be an option for you?

OP - sorry, I siding mean to imply your DD would pass it on - more that anyone susceptible to an ED (in recovery etc like her) might find that boarding school life and others eating unhealthily would be more influenced than they might be if living at home. Most boarding schools do now have weekly or flexi boarding which might be a better option if necessary for checking on how she’s doing regularly and early on. In my experience EDs are less rife at co ed schools but still can be quite common in a boarding school environment.

*didn’t

State boarding schools won't break the bank.

As regards the Scottish system, I’d expect most schools to be okay with her being back by one year given it is health related, and then she’d have the advantage of the two years to do highers, plus being a year older when off to uni which could really help given that ED sometimes freezes emotional development. A Scottish private day school (as private even more likely to accede to being a year behind than state in general, as you are a customer) would definitely be my choice over boarding unless the home issues with DH are far more of a problem than the anorexia. What a tough call. The main thing is parental engagement with the ED though, so all your efforts on her behalf are a huge advantage to her.

happygardening - She's pretty stable now with actually eating, but does like to know the calories in every tiny part of a meal which would be an issue. Also finds it difficult to up her calorie 'goal' for the day, which being more active at school would require her to do. She's not silly though, she'll eat enough to avoid suspicion and can be very deceptive. When deep in her ED she didn't eat for a week at a residential music course with adults at every table and hid food in bottles etc.
Weekly boarding sounds like a good option,

I suspect state boarding school will have even less time. At DS2s school there was 1 teacher for every 7 boys all lived on site plus nurses residential matrons etc. I doubt they would agree to supervise a 6th former at every meal for the next 2 years.
Check out what sort of staff are in school based medical centres in both sectors. Schools with small numbers of boarders may not have qualified nurses etc available 24/7, on the other hand most schools have counsellors (although they may not specialise in eating disorders) and some even have schools have psychotherapists who visit regularly who may be able to offer some support.

If she stops eating there I'd remove her, and probably put her in a day school near us and just deal with the qualification issues. It's a lot of money to lose but I do want her to be prepared for leaving to uni and I think boarding would be a good stepping stone to having to cook and prepare her own food. I don't want her to be completely unprepared and just never eat at university, and if she learns healthy patterns now I think she'll be better equipped.

Scipio - I would be afraid that others in her school would have disordered eating as well and they would just all influence each other honestly. It definitely is a tough call, if i can find a school willing to check in on her eating regularly and make provisions I think i'll still go for it as her issues with DH are effecting her eating/wellbeing more than we'd both like to admit. It's just such a leap of faith though as we have no experience and if this fails we're right back to where we were.

If it does fail though Scottish private schools are pretty likely to let her go back a year, the only issues are continuation with subjects and her problems with DH. And she wouldn't develop any good patterns for leaving to university which is also a worry, I can't monitor her eating forever.

Some schools may be better than others but I went to a boarding school as a day pupil and anorexia was rife amongst the female boarders - competitive undereating was a major issue

“She finds it difficult to up her calories goal”
“she’s not silly she’ll do enough to avoid suspicion and can be very deceptive”
At a residential course with adults at every table ... she hid good in bottles”.
I’m not being unkind but come on OP are you really considering boarding as an option? You know and I know youre not cured permantently of anorexia, at times of stress i.e. changing schools into an environment you know nothing about, routines, type of food pressure from A levels etc it rears it’s ugly head. Is your DD also addicted to exercise, sport is a bit part of boarding schools, 6th formers often have unsupervised access to gyms etc.
I’m sure you want the best for your DD but you have already admitted you know nothing about boarding, it is not a convalescence home with lessons attached, Im a great believer in boarding but nothing you have said makes me think it’s a good idea for your DD.

happygardening - state boarding was never really something I considered as there are none in Scotland and I'd prefer to be near her. I also assumed there would be less pastoral care. I don't think full supervision is what i wanted for her though, more that the school would notice if she stopped eating/ate very little and would intervene early. My biggest fear is her just deteriorating with no one noticing. If she came back at weekends i think i would be able to tell, there are signs i've learned to look for. Would her peers tell the school or would that never happen?

Most boarded don’t cook their own food beyond the odd bacon butty. Usually cooking facilities are very limited. All main are provided by the school either in communal dinning rooms or house dinning rooms cooked by chefs etc.

I understand what you're saying, and I do just want her to be happy and independent. I'm just not sure that if i don't do something different she would be prepared enough to leave and go on to further education. I'm not sure what other option i have. Would flexi boarding be a better option? I can monitor and see if it works for her and if she starts to restrict heavily i can intervene very early on?