Boarding sixth form for anorexic DD?

[julieah]

I've homeschooled my DD for a few years as we pulled her out of school due to anxiety/anorexia. She's been following the english curriculum and wants to go back to school for sixth form to prepare for university etc. But we live in Scotland and none of the few english curriculum schools are near enough us. So I'm looking at boarding but every school seems to offer the same thing, i would feel better sending her away if the school had good pastoral care and is more structured than a college as i don't want her relapsing as soon as she gets away from home! She's fairly bright and will probably get As in her GCSEs but isn't especially sporty. My other DD went all through the state school system so i'm completely lost here. I'd also prefer if it didn't leave me bankrupt but that's flexible! Thank you!

Boarders not boarded!

Flexi boarding would be better maybe starting off 1-2 night a week then increasing if it works but you’d have find one close enough or with good public transport links.

I think i meant more that she'd learn how to regulate her own eating, as in taking it herself, eating as much as she knows she needs to be healthy. I thought the environment of other children her own age eating would help maybe, as she seems to be under the impression that everyone has disordered eating. Recently when she's been away with friends the adults have said she seems to be okay with eating when they do and eating the same amount. Although if EDs are common in boarding schools that's not a good idea, Im just stuck for what the right thing to do is for her.

And I've just checked the contract for dd2s current private school (it's boarding, dd2 is one of a handful of day pupils) and it has the same caveat. Eating disorders, while being treated sensitively may be cause for dismissal - ie they do not want or need anorexics - it's quite brutal - I suspect because girls schools have bad reps for this and I think parents might kick up a fuss. I know that sounds horrible but as happygardening says these schools are not convalescent homes. Is there nowhere near where she could weekly board?

Sorry but I actually lolled at the idea of gordonstoun. Absolutely not known for its pastoral care.

There are 3 schools in Scotland that do A levels i think, at least ones that she could reasonably get into. I think gordonstoun was suggested as it's the nearest school to us, and the others are very near DH but that's not great. Would schools with full boarding allow us to take her home at weekends? The schools here do not offer weekly boarding as an option. There is flexi boarding, but she would have to stay with DH which is definitely not ideal.

Could you move?

Would schools with full boarding allow us to take her home at weekends?

No. Flexible boarding or weekly boarding only

Really bad idea OP.

You must know that EDs are never cured and she could relapse at any time. You need to be able to keep a very close eye on her.

Throwing her in at the deep end from homeschooling to boarding could easily trigger anxiety and relapse. As others have said schools simply cannot provide the level of care required. Why not go more gently - send her to day school and work on her cooking and eating with a view to her being more independent by the time uni comes.

Ime boarding schools can be hothouses of competitive non-eating among girls.

Sending her to a school and then having to take her out would be very disruptive.

Why is she scared of her dad?

2 schools are full boarding or day only and 1 has a flexi boarding or full boarding option. Flexi boarding there is probably the best option, as she would only see dh for a few hours on 2 days and be back with me at the weekends. Ill have to check with them though as it could be completely ruled out because of her ED. Ill ask her how she would feel about staying with DH for 2 nights.

Have you talked to her therapists about what they think about her boarding for sixth form?

For the sake of curriculum continuity, you would be upturning literally every other aspect of her life. Wouldn't it be easier to keep her life the same and adapt to the new curriculum, rather than the other way round?

I m sorry to hear that OP.

It's not something I'd do personally.

Why not deal with the dad issue? Why is she terrified and if he's terrifying her, why are you with him or why does he come home?

Why not move even temporarily - or more to the point, why does she need to go to university? She's telling you something - listen to her.

Wow wiggy what a horrible comment. Op is clearly trying to balance family issues, health and education to talk through what's best for her daughter.

Op if your daughter being with dh isnt good for her, so you have any other close relatives who could help?

Alternatively, have you properly investigated whether she could stay with you (i assume you and dh live apart?) And move down a year in state school. No harm in being a year older than your peers, it's far preferable to an anorexia relapse.

I have, she suggested to them that she wanted to go back to school for sixth form. She's made good progress and she's still got a year and a bit until she'd be going. They thought she could make enough progress by then for it to be a reasonable option but obviously that would depend on her progress. We think that as she suggested it she may be more willing to put in the work needed, she's very determined when she wants something. I wanted to think about it now as I want to be prepared. However neither I or the team had much knowledge about boarding, and I'm going to look into day and flexi now to see what the options are.

You are making education decisions in a sphere separate from her health. It is all well and good to say that this is a practical solution to the curriculum issue but that would only apply if there was nothing on going. It is surely better to take two years getting your highers or go back a year than to totally change everything else in her life while it's so finely balanced.

Boarding schools are a hot house for ED even for girls with no previous history.

What was it, in your opinion, that made home schooling a good option for her? What were the issues with going to school? I think if you look at these reasons you will see that boarding school isn't a good match.

It sounds hard, it might not help but I've worked in university admissions and going back a year/taking longer for health reasons is usually compassionately received.

DH works in a different city than I do and has had a flat there for years, he is there during the week and comes here for weekends. He has depression and doesn't like to express his emotions to people at work etc. he keeps it very normal and calm. At home he'll just lie in bed all day and if she or anyone annoys him he can get quite annoyed. It's been like that for a long time and she's just scared of him hurting her as he gets angry, though he'd never touch her. He was lovely when I met him but got M.E. and is now pretty bad. He can be nice and is better one on one, she doesn't mind going with him alone so I didn't think her staying with him would be a problem as he's lovely alone. She's mostly scared when we're all together.
She could stay with me and move down a year, but she wants to go and I think it's really good she's taking an interest in leaving and being more independent. Ill look at day schools where we are and ask them about it, also will have a chat with people working with her and see what they think.

You really need to speak to the school on how they would manage your situation

My DD joined a private school for sixth form. It's very much on them to turn up for meals in the hall or breakfast in sixth form common room or hall - they can choose. DD doesn't go for breakfast but helps herself to 2/3 pieces of fruit in the house reception and eats in her room or way to class. No one has picked up she's not going to the hall/common room and I'm not bothered as I I know she's eating.

A girls boarding house is a breeding ground for anorexia

Wow wiggy what a horrible comment.

spot on though!

It depends on the type of school and the staff there.

In my DD’s full boarding school, they all eat in house with all the staff, and they take their time over eating. It isn’t a pressured environment however, and it would very much suit a recovering girl with an eating disorder as the pastoral staff are so amazing.

When I looked around, I asked the Matron directly how she dealt with ED as ANY school that says it doesn’t have any is lying. Ditto bullying. I was bothered about how it is dealt with, referred to, and treated, and I got a full and very professional caring answer. How a school deals with ED is indicative of how they deal with health issues as a whole I think. No, I don’t think it’s a “breeding ground”.

I do believe that boarding school is a partnership between staff and parents. And it adds to the amount of adults who are involved in and who are invested in the student.

As someone who went to boarding school, I would say don't send her. They just can't give the attention that you can. It was incredibly easy for girls to just not eat at my school (very well-known girls public school) because you're not checked in and out at meals, and no member of staff is checking what you eat, so even if you're in the dining room you can just scrape all your food into the bin at the end of the meal and no-one would really notice apart from eagle-eyed friends. The staff really don't keep much of an eye, particularly in the sixth form, when you are expected to pretty much take care of yourself. No-one checks on you at all unless you don't turn up to lessons/exams.

I boarded and I can say that ED were rife at my school and at others where my friends went. The closeted environment and 24hr contact with like minded people fuelled the problem for people I knew.

IMO it would have to be some kind of specialist environment in order for boarding to be a positive thing, otherwise you may be putting her at further risk.