Boarding sixth form for anorexic DD?

[julieah]

I've homeschooled my DD for a few years as we pulled her out of school due to anxiety/anorexia. She's been following the english curriculum and wants to go back to school for sixth form to prepare for university etc. But we live in Scotland and none of the few english curriculum schools are near enough us. So I'm looking at boarding but every school seems to offer the same thing, i would feel better sending her away if the school had good pastoral care and is more structured than a college as i don't want her relapsing as soon as she gets away from home! She's fairly bright and will probably get As in her GCSEs but isn't especially sporty. My other DD went all through the state school system so i'm completely lost here. I'd also prefer if it didn't leave me bankrupt but that's flexible! Thank you!

I'm finding this a very frustrating thread.

OP do you have any support at all? Someone to guide to to make the best decision?

I have the team working with DD, and they said it would probably be helpful getting away from DH. I'm not as sure as he isn't here the majority of the time and it's quite a risk sending her away as she could just relapse. There's pros and cons but ultimately it's my decision and they can only help so much as they can't tell me the right decision. And no one else is with us 24/7 so it's hard to get a snapshot of the whole situation and what DD is really like.

Ninon I’m perfectly aware of the figures for independent ed, I used to work in the boarding sector and I’m not denying ED’s exist there, I’m disputing the statement unfounded boarding schools are breeding grounds for anorexia” etc it’s just not that black and white if only it was.
OP your obviously trying to come up with a good viable solution, I don’t really understand Scottish ed and why it wouldn’t work for your DD and I’m not saying don’t send her to a boarding school but you need to be realistic about what your going to get and ask yourself will it be enough and could your DD relapse in this kind of environment? I do think you can’t catagirically say that your 98% sure she’ll be ok. You won’t know the other pupils in her house, how she’ll get in with them or the staff, she might find the pressure of A levels difficult many without EDs do, she may not like the food etc. Can you really check if she’s not loosing weight will she cooperate get on the scales does she load her pockets or will she load up with water if she’s not with you much of the time how will you know?

Can you give her more independence at home? In the 6th form could she buy her own food have her own cupboard shelf in the fridge like they do at uni and cook it without you getting overly involved just quietly overseeing? It does seem to me you would be moving her from one extreme to the other.

I understand what you're saying, and I know there are risks with sending her. there and things we don't know. I think if she has healthy coping mechanisms it will be much more likely that she can cope with many situations and that's what we're working on right now. DD may load up on water im not sure, but it can't make her look healthy. I know about the sewing weights into clothing etc. and I give her checked over clothes to make sure that doesn't happen. She is co operating so far with weigh ins as she knows that underweight is unhealthy and as far as we can tell she wants to get better. This is a kind of 'goal' to work towards in a way, to be well enough to leave home. It might motivate her she works well with goals.

that's a really good idea, i'll discuss that with her team and my family and see what they think. Thank you!

OP wanting to get better is good but as I’m sure you know there are ties when the anorexia “talks” instead, if she was my DD I think I would start off by more independence at home, let her choose and buy her own food, maybe cook it for both of sometimes, if she’s keen to go to university tell her she can’t go unless you’re convinced she’s going to eat well (although she’ll be 18 by then so you can’t stop her). I agree weights and loading with water can’t make her look healthy but as I’m sure you know many anorexics are moribund before they really start to look that unhealthy you don’t want her to get to that stage before you realise what’s going on.

happy I'm aware you used to work in the boarding sector because you've already said so and you've made some excellent points and given good advice. So the apparent lack of awareness of the issues around hothousing disordered eating - which pretty much anyone who has been or who has a daughter at boarding school is aware of - seems odd.

Hm i did worry that her angle was to get to boarding school, not be under my care, and just starve herself with no consequences.

That's why i think a compromise may be flexi, as she can get the boarding experience and independence she wants while I can still check on her and have her with me the majority of the week.

I’m totally aware of the up issues around hot housing and eating disorders. I will say it again I’m disputing the statement “boarding houses are breeding grounds for anorexia” I notice neither poster has come forward with anything to back this up by the way. Those I work with with ED’s come from a whole variety of schools as the OP is ably demonstrating, you do not go off to a boarding school with no ED tendencies, risk factors and develop an ED. You would most likely have developed an ED in a day school. As I said I would not develop one even if I was living with then for the rest of my days. It’s easy and understandable to blame the school be it boarding or day, a hothouse, SS or coed but the causes are a million times more complicated than that it’s about the individual not their school.
I’m not going to give you the % of EDs at the schools I’ve been involved with but I can say knowing the current national figures no alarm bells were ringing.

I completely see your long term goal, OP, to get her in good habits prior to university and your feeling like boarding might be a step to this. However I’d say rather it would be a step back in terms of eating habits. I think there is often an institutionalised effect at boarding school and pupils can be less good at things like cooking and eating (as they get so little choice and power over what they eat) and washing laundry etc and household tasks. In some cases it teaches you more independence but in others, a home life where you were taught these things and asked to do more and more would be far more effective.

However, my main feeling is that one shouldn’t or rather can’t take such a long view with an ED. Unless your daughter is very, very well established in recovery (and it sounds like it’s still quite recent from your posts), then I wouldn’t be planning where you want her to be at uni now. She could go into halls her first year and have lots of meals prepared which would help with a transition. But the key thing is that she be in a better place to cope with it all. She can’t be prepared for future eating at uni now if she’s not in a very secure place with her eating. Better to risk a recurrence then, after things having been managed for a few years, than now, with things having been managed for less time. She is less likely to relapse the longer she’s been eating better and also, the older she is (of course, this is in general and doesn’t always work like this).

I am not trying to simplify things and say boarding school = bad. For me, boarding at sixth form was fabulous. I continued to eat (too much) while around me lots of girls competitively underate. Meanwhile at day school my sister developed anorexia (one of her friends also suffered an ED). So I definitely know it isn’t a simple causal link! She had to leave uni for a few months due to it and in fact they were fairly good at picking up on it.

Have you talked to your dd about why she wants to go to boarding school? Maybe she could meet some of these aspirations without going to boarding school. Definitely she could go to uni with Scottish qualifications. There are some great unis in Scotland, even

It does seem an odd aspiration for a child with no knowledge of boarding schools through family or friends.

I think flexi boarding a couple of times a week max in the beginning might work, if you can find the right school. I’m assuming maybe erroneously that’s she’s a totally driven perfectionist determined to get top grades, if so you need to look carefully for the right environment. Most independent schools even less selective ones are pretty pushy in the 6th form, the bottom line is that most parents are paying for results, I’d be wary of any school with a large Asian in take into the 6 th form, I’ve nothing against Asians my dear friend is one but they have very high expectations and their children know they have to achieve top grades this may be an unhealthy and unhelpful environment for your DD. Boys are often much more laissez faire so dilute any hothouse atmostphere a bit. Try and find one with interests that she likes, if like many anorexics she’s good at art and music look at those dept again I wouldn’t chose a school with a fanatical music teacher, who want them to take music very seriously, perhaps try and find somewhere where theirs more fun music for enjoyment rather than a totally perfect rendition of Mahler’s Das Lied Vonde Der Erde. Otherwise she’ll stop eating worrying about the next concert and having a perfect performance.

Having been to boarding school, albeit a very long time ago, I think sending your dd to one is potentially a recipe to disaster.. I absolutely wouldn't do it.

dd2 is at a top girls boarding school and she has never known anyone be anorexic! I think if anyone became anorexic they'd be asked to leave to get the help that they need.

I think your issues with dh sound horrendous. If I were you and you were set on an English education, I would seriously be considering moving to England to be near a good private school where your dd could attend as a day girl with the option of boarding a couple of nights a week.

Why can't you continue home education and sit the English exams as an external candidate? I think Glenalmond offer their exam diet to external candidates.

I hesitate to post really, but I just don't understand where you are coming from. You have a daughter with anxiety and an eating disorder to the extent that she has been unable to remain in day school and you have a very difficult husband whose relationship with your daughter is adversely affecting her. Surely the primary issue here is family dynamics not boarding school?

Do you want to carry on living with your husband? Can you reassure your daughter that she can live with you? Does she have to stay in the English system not Scottish? And what is the rush for a vulnerable girl, surely she needs to get well, not focus on sitting her exams at the "right" time?

DD is definitely set on top grades, which is why i think a school with a less academic feel would be good so she isn't getting extra pressure all the time. She isn't particularly artistic or musical, finds it hard to get it perfect and gets frustrated i think. She can play a few instruments to a high level but isn't looking to continue seriously.

DD does have friends at boarding schools here, doesn't want specifically go to the one they go to but I think got the idea through them.
I would love to move to england and have her just be a day pupil, but as it stands i'd be using my salary to pay the fees and DHs to pay bills etc and i don't think i could get a job at the same level in my field if we move as well be struggling with fees as is. My other DD is at university here and likes to come home every other weekend so it's not very practical. I was considering trying to get a job in a boarding school as a psychologist and be able to monitor DD from closer but it seemed very invasive and i don't know what the view on that would be from the schools standpoint?
We could continue home education, however DD definitely wants to go to school, even as a day pupil in a scottish school, over homeschooling for A levels. She's very people oriented and has found it quite lonely so wants to be with people. I think i'll look into day school near us, and see what's on offer as maybe that would be the best option.

There is no rush for exams, but if she wants to go back to school - especially scottish school - she would need to go in 2019 or she'll be too old, she is already out of sync with the scottish system. As for curriculum it's mainly because I'd prefer her to have 2 years to get qualifications than 1 and that's all she would have in the scottish curriculum. It's a lot more pressure to 'crash' highers than to do them with a good amount of study and time. I'm not saying she has to go to boarding school, it's just an option that she expressed interest in and I thought may be a good idea for her.

Family dynamics are an issue but he won't go to therapy or try to get better so there's not much I can do.

I notice neither poster has come forward with anything to back this up by the way.

Maybe they can't be arsed to argue with you.

Those I work with with ED’s come from a whole variety of schools as the OP is ably demonstrating, you do not go off to a boarding school with no ED tendencies, risk factors and develop an ED.

You claimed that the majority you deal with went to day/state school, and as I said - they would wouldn't they - given the actual number of boarding schools.

I don't know what kind of services you're working for - but all the anorexics I know at independent day/boarding school had private healthcare and were treated at private clinics.

Few girls are showing ED tendencies at 12. (More now than when I was at school - but the average age for onset is still 16-17). All the anorexics I know developed it later. So it is fair to say that all of them went to secondary schools - both day and boarding - with no apparent ED tendencies. Nobody knows who has the tendencies and risk factors at the time, it's something that's determined in retrospect.

I maybe being a bit thick here but I’m not sure what’s wrong with Scottish education. Scottish universities are very well regarded many of DS2’s friend went to Edinburgh and St Andrews and according to the Times the other week Glasgow is really on the up now ranked above Edinburgh in the world rankings.
Why doesn’t thevScottish system work for you?

I have nothing against scottish education, my DD1 went all through it and is now in a scottish university! DD2 also wants to go to university here. it's just that the english system has 3 years of BGE and scotland has 2. So dd has been doing GCSEs and would be in her last year in scotland but her second last year in england. No state school would take her for 5th year here but maybe private would? that would be fine but i'm not sure if they would take her. And in 1 year she would get highers, but a lot of pressure to take them in a year.

I am an ex 6th form boarder who witnessed a friend go through annorexia. There was support but she got away with eating hardly anything. We were asked by school nurse to monitor her and report back so maybe not the best example of great pastoral care. It may well depend on the school and how experienced they are in this. One thing I would say is that boarding school really isn't the best preparation for university. Most girls I knew went wild when they got there because they had been so restricted. But just one experience, I am sure there are many others to counter

Wrt the question of single sex vs mixed - I think it comes down to her personality and the nature of her issues.

Some teenage girls - with eating issues or not - are relaxed around boys and enjoy the different energy and interests they bring to school life. Others are shy and self conscious and mixed school intensifies both. It can make girls very preoccupied with their appearance, whether they're perceived as 'sexy' etc.

If she is self-conscious about her looks and her body, as many anorexics are, she might find it difficult to be around boys 24/7, having to do sports around them etc.

She also might find sexual interest, flirting, banter, robust pisstaking, having her looks marked out of 10 etc difficult to handle, let alone issues around sexting, porn etc.

These are the issues I would consider wrt mixed/not mixed.