Boarding sixth form for anorexic DD?

[julieah]

I've homeschooled my DD for a few years as we pulled her out of school due to anxiety/anorexia. She's been following the english curriculum and wants to go back to school for sixth form to prepare for university etc. But we live in Scotland and none of the few english curriculum schools are near enough us. So I'm looking at boarding but every school seems to offer the same thing, i would feel better sending her away if the school had good pastoral care and is more structured than a college as i don't want her relapsing as soon as she gets away from home! She's fairly bright and will probably get As in her GCSEs but isn't especially sporty. My other DD went all through the state school system so i'm completely lost here. I'd also prefer if it didn't leave me bankrupt but that's flexible! Thank you!

To those posters who just have experience of their own schools 20+ years ago, things are very different now.

I didn’t bring in my own experience at an all
girls school as it’s utterly not relevant to the good practise I know goes on now in schools. Some get it better than others now (I have had experience of several boarding schools recently), but comparing it to what schools were like when we we are school isn’t useful.

I have to say that I would view her health as having priority over optimum educational qualifications.
She hasn't even done her GCSE's yet so why couldn't she move over to the Scottish curriculum after that? Even take an extra year if necessary.
If she could stay at home and go to a local sixth form it would still be a huge change for her compared with HE. A sixth form college would be much more relaxed than a school sixth form.
You could then gradually take a step back from supervising her eating while still be very alert to changes in eating.
I agree with the comment above that boarding schools often have an element of competitive none eating.

“boarding houses are hot houses for ED’s even girl s with no previous history”.
A girls boarding house is a breeding ground for anorexia.”
LastSplash and Firecracker please show me the evidence for this. My colleagues work with ED’s I only help out when necessary so it’s not my area of real expertise, but I do know a little about it and that we have girls (and a few boys) with ED’s from all schools, state and independent, day and boarding. I agree the girls are generally a type and often come from similiar backgrounds but the overwhelming majority are day and state educated. The reason for this is the not eating is a symptom of other underlying issues, I will never develop an eating disorder in a month of Sunday’s because I’m not that type of personality I could live along side hundreds of them and it wouldn’t effect me!

I would be quite surprised if any boarding school would be prepared to take on the responsibility you would expect of them. Particularly as she has a long standing condition which didn't emerge when she was already on their roll. Have you scoped this out with any private schools yet? It may actually be that this is unrealistic given her health needs.

Has anyone actually read my posts? Developing an ED is grounds for being asked to leave at two private schools I have had contact with so I am presuming it is simian elsewhere. They do NOT want it and do not have the skills to deal with it.

I think you must be feeling desperate OP to even be considering this. Full time boarding is stressful enough let alone after having been home educated for years and with an ED.

*similar. I doubt there are monkeys everywhere

I can only speak as I found - one of my DDs went to an all-girls boarding school from age 11 to 6th form, when she then went to the local 6th form college. She did weekly boarding at the school until a bus service materialised.

This is a very famous chain of schools (Haberdashers) and the pastoral care was zilch. I blame them for her subsequent need to take anti-depressants for her anxiety. No-one noticed when she was in need of support, and her creativity was quashed.

So - I am biased - but I would not send a child with any sort of special need (including anorexia) to a school where I had no control over the pastoral care. And especially not a single sex one.

@Scabbersley that’s why as a parent I asked very clear pastoral care questions before my DD was registered, and she doesn’t even have an ED. I just see it as indicative of how they deal with health (and mental health) issues as a school.

Sad that two schools you know of would ask girls to leave. I haven’t known a school recently where that has been the case though myself, but I can guess the type of girls school that would and they wouldn’t be my choice. I want my DD to go to a school that care deeply about their students and wouldn’t ask them to leave at the very moment when they need help and consistent care the most.

Some schools are very welcoming of all sorts of issues, as long as everyone (the staff, student and parents are on board with the same message and plan) and these are not necessarily the “non academic” schools either.

I would be wary about going from homeschooling to boarding particularly in the circumstances. It is such a leap in independence for study and life that any anxiety may trigger a relapse.

I’ve known schools ask pupils with EDs to leave. If they are not eating, loosing loads of weight then as the school has a duty of care they cannot keep children in school. This is because as I keep saying they are a school not a thereputic setting the staff are not competent or trained to manage a the condition, many often don’t understand how to manage correctly, and it is complicated to manage, it requires massive input, it’s not just a matter of “eat your greens dear” (if only it was), it requires patients and diligence from school the staff because as the OP has said if you have an eating disorder you’re manipulative and deceitful. Frankly my heart sinks when I’m asked to get involved with one, it’s just not my type of thing, thankfully others love it. But in their very acute phase they are complicated to manage and require properly trained staff not enthusiastic amateurs.

I agree the girls are generally a type and often come from similiar backgrounds but the overwhelming majority are day and state educated.

Well of course they are - those make up the majority of schools. Only 7% of all schools are private and only a fraction of those are boarding. (There are of course a few state boarding schools like Cranbrook but not many).

I wouldn't send her away if she still needed 24/7 supervision, but even now she's trusted to make and eat her own lunches, breakfasts etc. and only eats with me at dinner. This has been the case for a few months and she hasn't lost a significant amount of weight so I trust she's actually making and eating food. I think in another year she may be okay to go, my worry obviously is that the environment would shock her into restricting again. If I can see her regularly (e.g. flexi/weekly boarding) then I can check she isn't losing weight and is doing okay. If she gets worse in the next year I wouldn't even register her as i don't want to risk her health, but she really wants to go to university and I think this step towards independence would be good for her. The school would obviously have to know she struggles with an ED but I wouldn't expect an insane pastoral care program, I would just want them to make sure she's okay and be sure that there isn't a whole group of them participating in disordered behaviours (that would definitely propel her straight back in). And she wants to go which is key, she feels able to leave home and be away from where is essentially her comfort zone now

Suesue I think it's completely ridiculous for a school to tell you it can cope with eating disorders and would keep the girls at school. Of course they are not qualified to deal with them. No boarding school worth its salt would want a girl with a known ED. The schools I am talking about are renowned for their pastoral care. That includes realising when a girl should no long be in a boarding school environment. If your dd is at a decent girls boarding school I'd be very surprised if it didn't have something similar in the small print.

The other issue to consider is what would you do if it didn't work out and you had to remove her mid year. Courses are often not easily transferrable and she would potentially be faced with restarting the following year. Funding only allows for being one year out of sync. Does she need to take A levels for her uni course , would an extended level 3 Btec (3 A level equivalent) be an option?

Boarding school plus eating disorder?

Very Bad Idea.

LIZS - if she had to leave mid year depending on the reason we would probably get her back into treatment and put her into a day school near where I live starting the next year so she would still get highers. Possible starting with tutoring at home before she starts so she would have a good chance of good grades. What do you mean about funding? And she wants to do psychology then primary education, so I think she would need A levels but I'm not absolutely sure. I just want to give her a chance of independence and learning to stand on her own feet a little bit more before moving away to university.

Can DH not stay in his flat and not visit if she is so frightened?

In England you can only get funding up to age 19 for level 3 qualifications (A level, Btec etc) in state system. Psychology is a "hot" degree course at the moment so competitive to get a uni place and it is worth checking what typical entry requirements are. Some may require Maths A level for example, others may be less specific and accept other level 3 qualifications.

I told him that if his behaviour doesn't improve he wasn't welcome back, and if he did we would move to my sisters house at the weekends. He seems to be better now after i told him that, but obviously it will take a while for dd to be completely comfortable with him and a while for him to transition to being ok all the time with us. It's not his fault for being ill but it is his responsibility to deal with it and not be horrible when he's at home.

This has been the case for a few months and she hasn't lost a significant amount of weight so I trust she's actually making and eating food

This is painfully naïve. With respect I think you need to get your head round the nature of what you're dealing with. A few months is nothing.

If she can do highers in a day school nearby why on earth don't you just aim for that. Two years of stability and managing her condition will stand her in much better stead for coping at uni than crashing out of boarding school, changing schools & having to resume intensive treatment.

LIZS - She would only be 1 year out of the system if she had to leave mid year i think? Also She is sitting her higher math and english next year so would have equivalent of A level already, she would want to take history, geography, biology/physics at A level but im not sure if these are helpful for psychology other than biology. Unless i'm 98% sure she's not going to have to leave then i wouldn't let her go because there's no point if she just has to leave.

You can never be 98% sure of anything with an anorexic full stop.

How old is she now if she is taking gcse and highers next summer?

OP how on earth could you be 98 per cent she wouldn't have to leave? How could anyone give that reassurance particularly throwing a mental health condition into the mix. I think you might need to take a less rigid more day by day view of this. Bottom line is your daughter is unwell so ideally she would be best placed at home and under your care surely?

I just don't want me to be monitoring her food intake for years and her go off to uni and just starve herself because she has no one telling her what to eat, no one buying food, and has had no experience regulating her own intake in a stable environment. I have no idea what would happen either way, but i don't want to hold her back by keeping her with me. I just think being in a school with meal times and food provided but it is her responsibility to eat the right amount and eat well would be helpful. I don't know what I'll do yet, there are loads of options and it's quite confusing. I just want to do the best thing for her.