Boarding sixth form for anorexic DD?

[julieah]

I've homeschooled my DD for a few years as we pulled her out of school due to anxiety/anorexia. She's been following the english curriculum and wants to go back to school for sixth form to prepare for university etc. But we live in Scotland and none of the few english curriculum schools are near enough us. So I'm looking at boarding but every school seems to offer the same thing, i would feel better sending her away if the school had good pastoral care and is more structured than a college as i don't want her relapsing as soon as she gets away from home! She's fairly bright and will probably get As in her GCSEs but isn't especially sporty. My other DD went all through the state school system so i'm completely lost here. I'd also prefer if it didn't leave me bankrupt but that's flexible! Thank you!

I can see that being a problem actually, but i feel like that would be the same at day school as boarding? Although it would be worse as it's 24/7. DD would find the sexual comments etc difficult i think, being considered 'fat' was the reason she first started dieting which turned into an ED. That's really something to consider, thanks!

Private schools would take her in 5th year with good grades.

However, they all have a huge focus on extra curricular sports, music, drama etc. Especially for boarders there is an expectation to get involved.

Roughly where are you? It’s pretty key if you are considering flexi boarding.

AgainReally - i think she'd enjoy the extracurriculars, maybe not so much art but sport and drama DD is relatively good at. As long as she gets enough time to study she'd love to get involved.
I am about 1.5 hours away from all the schools by car, but dh lives about 20 minutes away from the school offering flexi boarding. I would be willing to take her if they offered flexi but they don't so I'm a little stuck.

It sounds like she is very early in her recovery. I wouldn't board yet and I certainly wouldn't send her to live with your husband - she seems so scared of him. I don't know how you can be sure he's lovely on his own. Surely anything that would cause extra anxiety would put her back. Very surprised that her team think boarding/such a massive change would be right. Very telling that they seem to think that getting her away from your husband is a priority.

Is that only schools who do the English curriculum?

From experience schools which are primarily boarding aren’t great for day pupils, the days are very long and the timetable created for boarders. Merchie, Fettes and Loretto good examples of this.
St George’s according to gossip has a lot of girls with ED so I’d be hesitant about that. I’ve also heard directly from parents at St George’s and Watson’s about rushed mealtimes and not taking more than you can eat in a short time so I’d recommend asking a lot of questions if either of those are on your list.

There are always a chunk of children who by age should be in a higher year group so I wouldn’t be overly concerned about that if considering swapping to Scottish qualifications.

Can you temporarily swap accommodation with your DH? I know you said your other daughter likes to come home etc etc, but it seems she isn't the one struggling at the moment, so maybe the focus needs to be on your recovering daughter.

I'd also get more support (counsellor maybe) for you, OP. It's a lot to take on.

DD says he's lovely when they're alone, only with family that he's scaring her. She's been in recovery for a while, but her making own lunches etc has been recent. I think the team have quite a good idea of what she can and can't do so i felt quite reassured, although now not so sure!
Yes that's only the english curriculum schools, as if she was to do the scottish curriculum I would prefer her to stay with me. I thought the day structure being created for boarders would be good as she would stay longer and not spend as much time with DH? Loretto i'm rather wary of however as I've heard that it's easy to skip meals there (DDs friends attend). She could board at a scottish curriculum school but there isn't much point as she may as well be day, although that's a lot of travelling for her so maybe I should consider flexi at a school nearish us with a scottish curriculum?
I don't think I can swap with DH as he works near his flat and if he could commute from where i am he would be already and vice versa. DD1 actually lives nearer DH than me, so the only issue with her would be moving to england and her having to travel for hours to get to us.

You are sending your vulnerable dd away instead of your dh who is scaring her? This is what it sounds like.
I don’t think you have had good educational advice (in rl). One year is all it is supposed to take to do a Higher, it’s not normal to take two years for them. You will have a local, catchment state secondary school - why would they not take her in S5? They would be obliged to!
I would prioritise: her health (which benefits by being at home), then her education (which you are making needlessly complicated) and your relationship last.

if nearly all the students are full time boarders they socialise with other boarders. A day student would find it harder to break into existing friendship groups.

I’d consider flexi at a school near(ish)
If there’s a train link to you, I’d do that, home for weekends and flexi board on heavy extracurricular nights. Or weekly board if flexi worked out.

I know highers take 1 year, but normally they then have another year (S6) to take more highers or advanced highers. She left the local secondary school due to bullying and she is still pretty well known with them (shouted at in the streets etc.) and I wouldn't feel good sending her there. She could technically get a free taxi to another school locally but again is well known and the schools are awful for dealing with bullying.
I'm trying to make the solution work for the whole family, so making my DH leave doesn't seem like the best idea. Also if I left him I would have to move to somewhere cheaper, and would definitely not be able to afford any sort of private education, scottish day or otherwise. It seems best in this situation to stay with DH, and it really isn't his fault he is ill which causes all the issues.
I didn't consider that, DD would be better flexi or weekly boarding in that case so she has strong friendships and less travel but i can still monitor her.
There is Mary Erskine which i've heard good things about, and Dollar Academy. I think those are both reasonably near enough, i'll look into them further. have you heard anything about those schools?

I'm sorry but this is a completely mad situation. You seem to minimise your DHs behaviour. How much if it is linked to your daughters ED?

I think you think you are doing right by everyone but you aren't. You need to protect your daughter and send your H away, not her. Your priorities are completely skewed.

I’m really confused about your Dds education. If she’s currently studying for GCSEs then she’s the equivalent of 4th year is a Scottish High school. So she can sit her GCSEs May 2018 and then start 5th year in high school in August. In some schools she can start 5th in early June.

She would sit CFE Highers in 5th year in 2019 and more highers or advanced highers in 2020.

So she wouldn’t be going to University until September 2020, three years from now.

Given that she has been so unwell with such a serious illness, I think it’s too early to worry about what’s she might be cooking three years from now. I think that getting her well is more important that teaching independence.

Kids move from the English to the Scottish school system( and vice versa) all the time and cope fine. Children coming up from England are usually older than the others in their year but it’s no big deal.

There is also far more flexibility in placing children in the year that meets their educational needs, rather than by age as in England. Remember that many children have deferred entry so are often one full year older than others in their year group.

In summary, I think the educational issues are relatively straight forward and the school will be able to handle it and her transition.

Her health issues OTOH are a big deal, much more serious and potentially life changing if not life threatening .

I think you need to prioritise her health - keep her at home and send her to a good day school. There are many to choose from.

Boarding school is great for the right child. Nothing you have said makes me think that it’s right for your DD.

I agree. How much does your husband prioritise you DD?

There are so many factors that cause an ED, and im sure DH was a factor but so many other things were too that it's not fair to pin it all on him. DH loves her, he is just very sick and i agree his behaviour is unacceptable but i can't change it, only he can, im not happy with how he behaves but there's not much i can do without disrupting everything and it isn't at the stage where i think i have to do that.

I don't think I am sending her away as such, she wants to go. And not just because of DH either as she would see him the same amount if weekly boarding.
I don't know if i'm doing the right thing but i'm trying to, i want to do the best thing for her future.

DH had a problem with priorities, he thinks she should just tough it out at the local comp even though she was bullied horribly when she was there.

Only know Day primary at Dollar but the parents seem happy. Mary Erskine is girls only for 5th year, mixed for 6th. Small girls only boarding house, vast majority day pupils. Variety of full/weekly/flexi boarders.

You should go for a look. It’s not commiting you to anything, but you’ll get more of a feel for it.

DD is studying for GCSEs but taking them in 2019 which means she would be unable to complete 6th year in the state system as you cannot stay past 18 and she would turn 18 a few weeks into 6th year. At least that's what i've been told, I work in the education sector in schools but not directly teaching so i'm not completely sure.

Do you know that she could do 3 or 4 highers in 5th year, if you thought that 5 was too much for her? She can then do another 1-2 plus 1-2 AH in 6th year .

It’s really only medicine, Dentistry and vet med that need you to get all your highers in one go.

And her school reference would explain that she sat them over 2 years because of health problems .

It’s really not as complex as you think.

I don't think she could stay for sixth year in state school as you have to leave at 18?

Loads of kids turn 18 during 6th year ! Including every single child who deferred entry , so started school at 5.5 rather than 4.5.

Your DD would be one of the oldest in her year, but lots more would turn 18 between Christmas and June.

As I said before, it’s usual for children moving from the English system to be older than everyone else.

Surely you know this if your children was in a Scottish state school until recently?

so would day school be the best option? there are none nearer than an hours train journey away for dd so i'm not sure how she'd be with that, would that be sustainable?

No, my DD1 went all through and some of her friends left after 5th year as they were too old to continue but maybe that was miscommunication and they left for other reasons. Ill check again at work, i'm still not sure if i'd be comfortable with her at the state schools here though

If she’s not taking her GCSEs until 2019 why don’t you just send her to school now and she can go into 4th year ? She can sit N4 or N5 In 2018, whatever she can manage.

Then some N5 and highers in 5th year and highers or AH in 6th year.

Os even 3rd year ? Is she aged 15 and 2 months now ?

If shes two years away from GCSE and 4 years away from A level, I can’t understand why you are worrying now about making her indepdendent. Surely her health is the key issue ?

Am I missing something ?

I think Bootham in York possibly may have the pastoral input you're looking for but I would hazard the guess they have the same ED problems as any other school. I think she's better at home and your primary responsibility is to your child not your husband. If he is causing her emotional or physical harm you should protect your child and end the marriage.