Is it just us struggling or is homework/family time balance gone to pot?

[StormySunshine]

My DS is 14 and since last year things have slowly but surely got really hard to balance anything to do together as a family or even just for him to have some free time. He leaves home around 7am and gets home after 5pm or twice a week 6pm due to extra-curricular activities. Then he has at least 2 homeworks that take 45mins to an hour Each plus often another one/two smaller ones. So apart from having a family meal together, not much time left for anything else. Then weekends - more and longer homeworks, coursework, etc, etc to a point where we can't often visit family and friends because taking almost a whole day off is a no-no! AIBU or is this just crazy for someone who's still a kid to do more working hours than me?!

He should have a homework planner and plan when he can physically do the homework, and do it then so that he won't be worrying about it at other times.

DD1 in Y7 gets homework every school day, though not to be completed for the following day. She leaves the house at 7.30am and gets back about 4.45pm but three times a week has to be back out again for dance class at 5.15pm and on one night has Guides as well, so three nights out of five in the week are out for homework purposes. Because she only has a limited time to do it, it has made her super-organised and apparently more so than her friends who do fewer after school activities.

If he is really struggling he should speak to his form tutor or whoever takes responsibility for his pastoral care at school.

Thanks, VintagePerfumista, feel even more optimistic now ! But yes, I guess it's the long writing homeworks that also require quite a bit of reading and research (I.e. History, RS, English, etc). They get majority of it set via the school gateway site so he can't really do much on his phone. I guess I am a bit naive too but I do think that lunch break, etc should be exactly that and help them rewind a bit and switch off, other than relentless study and concentration... Occasionally, maybe, but as a regular solution. How would many adults feel if they couldn't take a lunch break and just had to work through on a regular basis. Surely at any age that can't be good

I think that's a pretty grim commute for a child, tbh. Train, tram, bus. Twice a day. Especially if it's 'dead time', ie he can't do anything useful with the time.

I totally agree it isn't good, but the commute he is undertaking isn't good either and may make it necessary for him to have a different school day to other students.

Dd has lounge school hours & a longer commute (7.15 am - 7.30pm plus Saturday morning school) but she has amuck more reasonable amount of homework. Usually 2 pieces per night, occasionally 3, by she gets around 4-7 days to complete each piece each taking approx 15- 30 mins

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences! I think I do need to make some changes, starting with making sure he plans his workload (I am terrible myself so will need to look up how to best do it) and driving him to /back from school once a day to minimise his commute, so he might even be able to do some easier pieces in the car. Since moving to Finland (how do they manage to have no homework and still have great education) is out of question

Finland's educational success reflects its very cohesive culture and smaller population; there is great respect there for educators and students get more out of the school day for that reason. It won't work here because our schools are too disruptive, too target-driven and there is too much going on in them that deals with students' social inequalities and issues and not learning.

Do as much on transport as possible. He could even write out bullet point ideas for essays on the train or do maths.

Stormy it sounds very similar to my DS (y10)
He gets 3 - 4 pieces a night, 45mins-1hr each. Some is due next day, some the day after, some as much as a week, so that is always taken into account when planning each evening.
He has a similar journey to your DS, in terms of transport, takes about 45 minutes (although if I drive him it takes about 20)
His after-school activities are unpredictable as he is in several choirs so rehearsal times vary depending what they have on, so hard to work around, but if he is staying at school, I try to pick him up so he is home by 6. He has scout activities in the evening twice a week, but often has to miss those because of homework.
Most of the weekend tends to be taken up with catching up on homework from the previous week that hasn't had to be done straight away. I am aware that he is a great 'faffer' so work does take much longer than really required, but haven't found a solution to this yet.
DD is 2 years younger, and whilst getting 3-4 subjects a night, each about 30 mins, she never seems so tied up at weekends, despite having dance lessons three evenings a week and guides. Just a different approach I suppose.
certainly family outings are a rarity outside of holidays times. I hope A levels will allow a little more flexibility.......

Taking a whole day off to visit family/friends during the school term is, IME, not really feasible once DC are at secondary school. I tend to invite GPs etc over to us or to meet friends for a pizza out. But I wouldn't want or expect secondary DC to be able to take a whole day off for a family day out during term time, unless it was an exceptional occurrence.

Our DS gets remarkably little "homework" and he's in year 10 just started his GCSE years. For most subjects, it's finishing off whatever they were doing in class, i.e. last few questions on a worksheet or writing up a science experiment. For longer assignments, such as essays, or a presentation or a project, they usually have several days to do it. For tests, they usually have a week for revision.

It is more a matter of managing what "has" to be done "when" that is the art. My son was initially terrible at forward planning and constantly left things to the night before which did cause him stress and last minute panics, especially when he then got more homework the day before (as he'd ignored the homeworks set a few days before that now also needed doing that day). That did cause overloads.

The other thing is that my DS tried to do other things at the same time, which meant a 15 minute homework took an hour. So we make sure he concentrates and doesn't have distractions. (Not easy when we tell him to leave his Ipad alone but a homework requires him to research/complete on the internet!!). (Thanks, schools, for that!!).

Also, he now finds that he can complete the classroom tasks if he concentrates more and gets his head down in class rather than talking/daydreaming in class. These days, he has very few "finish what you didn't do in class" homeworks as he pushes himself to do it during the lesson, in the knowledge he has more time to himself in the evening. It is noticeable that he gets more homework from teachers in classes with lots of disruption etc and virtually none from the classes where the teacher maintains better discipline so they get more done in class.

Finally, when it comes to options, you need to factor homework into the mix. Eg, our son takes a long time to learn/revise languages, so even though he got high marks in 3 different languages and each teacher pushed him to do GCSEs, he only chose 1 to minimise the learning/revision homework. As the humanities subjects always took a lot of time, he only took 2 humanities instead of 3.

I think a lot of it is down to the child, organising themselves, doing as much as possible in class, and parents ensuring few distractions at home.

I guess I have definitely been naive to expect a full day off at weekend and more time to ourselves after school/work in the week. It's just juggling everything that got to me. My MIL passed away last year and my FIL in his 80s now not only on his own but shouldn't really be driving to us (1.5hrs one way) so been feeling really guilty too for not visiting more often. Balance was ok till last year but feels like it's all getting on top now and just can't get it right for my nearest and dearest... Sorry, feeling a bit overwhelmed, as you might've guessed

Nickname- I don't mean maths is easy, I mean it's easier on a bus to write a sum than an essay. Or if 20 sums, can just start and do as many as time allows. Even if that's just 5 sums on morning commute, and 5 on way home, it would then leave only half to do on return if you see what I mean. Hence maths during travel can work.

And yes if he can log into his homework online via phone and see what it is at least at school or on bus. Then he could start basic ideas or research as bullet points on notes on his phone. So again, not huge, but could save 15 mins out of 45mins and then just spend 30mins writing up at home

I think for weekends you should be able to still travel and visit family, but find a way to work around homework. Could you or Dh make a deal one will make breakfast, one spend 30mins helping with homework 8.30-9am at weekends. ( not helping as such but sitting with him and encouraging). Then take some homework with you and agree he needs to take an hour out and do in a room quietly at grannies or whatever if needed.

Am absolutely Artandco at your suggestions for tackling homework. Shocked to the core.

I thought the suggestions were quite sensible?

Homework deserves full attention. It's not something to be tackled on a bus or phone. Or in between meals on a day out. Have some respect for schools/teachers/taxpayers' money, if not for yourself...

get him doing his homework where you can see him and not in his bedroom. how much is he procrastinating?

with a long commute (which i assume you chose for good reasons?!) then he has to be super diligent with his time. Maybe he has too many extra curricular activities now he is in yr10? (assuming again), it's common to focus on just one or max 2 from this age until uni as the homework steps up.

re the weekend, if he got up at 8 and did 4 hours he'd be done by 12. that's what my dd does (she's good in the mornings). my other dd faffs around and seems to be doing homework all weekend

i think with that commute you have to write off the week. that's fairly normal if he has extra curric stuff too.

There is no way anyone would be able to any homework on the school buses round here. They are too crowded and too noisy. DD often ends up standing.

This is a child preparing for his GCSEs and who will use predicted grades to get into sixth forms I presume. 30mins of homework on the bus or over breakfast isn't going to cut it. He needs to devote time to this, and this means sacrificing a bit of family time in the weekends. He's old enough to be left at home while you visit fil surely?

What's wrong with the suggestions? Im not suggesting he does all Homework on bus but starts looking at what to do/ look up stuff/ think/ revise language vocabulary. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying do that instead of at home but as well as

If it takes an hour at home to look up homework, research Henry 8th and write an essay on it, the first bit of reading what has to be done and the starting of research could easily be done whilst commuting. Add some facts in bullet points they find. Then when home finish research and write up. Saving 10-15 mins per hour

If homework is learn 10 French words from list. That can easily be looked at on bus for 10mins. Then when home they can write them down.

If art work is research Picasso and Rembrandt and do two drawings in the style. They can start researching artists and the style on commute. Note basic facts about them. Then when home begin straight on actual artwork.

It's not about just doing homework on bus, but using that time to reduce the amount at home but fitting in the boring basic bits that don't require much but time

English often requires books or poems to be read. Start on bus reading book, analyse when home etc

I didn't say only 30mins over breakfast! I meant if they usually spend say 3hrs on a Saturday. They could still fit that in whilst visiting granny for example by breaking it up into 60mins before breakfast (one parent guiding so no time wasting), an hour after lunch at grannies, then leaves only an hour to do on return in the evening rather than all 3hrs at once

"the first bit of reading what has to be done and the starting of research could easily be done whilst commuting"

You are assuming that the child has enough data to do this and has access to a decent connection while commuting.

He gets 3 - 4 pieces a night, 45mins-1hr each. Some is due next day, some the day after, some as much as a week, so that is always taken into account when planning each evening.

Well that's wrong for a start. Teachers should never set homework that is due in for the next day. Sounds like the teaching staff need to organise themselves a bit better at that school.

shocked to the core Bobo, you do lead a sheltered life. I think the suggestions for bits that COULD be done on the bus without much hassle were very sensible, though I'd also have thought OP's child could have worked this out himself