Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

One daughter at State School and now the second has an offer at Private

95 replies

FishBall · 01/02/2015 09:30

Hi,
First post in here! And just wanted to hear from people who may have gone through a similar thing.
We gave both our DDs a chance at doing the exam for a private school nearby, the first didn't pass and has gone to a good State school, and just recently the second has passed, and been offered a place.
Our dilemma is I would need to change jobs to be able to pay for the PS, and life would be tight for 5 years.
But more importantly, I'm more worried about the effect it would have on the older sibling. They both get on really well, and there's a 3 year age gap.
We've all sat down and talked about it, and the eldest I know is not overly happy, but is being positive and kind about it.
DH is equally unsure but is swinging towards sending them both to State, which would mean a better quality of life for all 4 of us.
Long term what effect do think it will have on both?
Many Thanks!

OP posts:
MarthasHarbour · 01/02/2015 09:33

Out of genuine curiosity. Why did you let your youngest take the exam? Surely you would have forseen this dilemma.

AlpacaMyBags · 01/02/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiggytape · 01/02/2015 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clavinova · 01/02/2015 11:36

Will they both end up at the same sixth form? What if your elder daughter asks to join her sister at the private school for sixth form? Are you going to say no, we can't afford two sets of fees?

usualsuspect333 · 01/02/2015 11:40

I'd send them both to the state school,if money is going to be tight then your eldest will miss out on more than a private education.

LIZS · 01/02/2015 11:42

So you can't afford both at private school? Out of interest had dd1 got in would dd2 have been allowed to take the exam . IMHO you either do both or neither unless you have exceptional reasons.

Original poster
FishBall · 01/02/2015 11:57

Yes, we were in a different position financially when DD1 took the exam, slightly better off! When DD1 didn't make it in, I did take a lower paid but easier life type of job, so I could do clubs for them and some school runs.
As we gave DD1 the option back then, it seemed only fair we offered DD2 the same option now.
And I'm glad we did, it's just the long term implications I'm worried about.
Thank you for all your help.

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 01/02/2015 12:03

I think it's unfair on your older daughter as she doesn't get money spent on her education and then misses out on other benefits as money will be tight. Saying that, if you don't send your younger daughter will she resent you because she passed the test and didn't get the chance to go?

Theas18 · 01/02/2015 12:05

Have you talked to the girls? In a way it seems unfair to compromise " normal stuff " eg holidays and other whole family things for the sake of dd2 unless there is a serious educational reason to do so.

We did the same as you but the private option would have been second choice to a grammar place and the simple explanation " your sibling looks like they are going to need extra help to do as we'll a you will" would have been our justification.

Yep it still may have built up resentment but I think in my mind it was reasonable as a though. I'm not sure " she's cleverer than you so we are spending money on her education" is an easy one to justify.

Good luck

FannyFifer · 01/02/2015 12:10

There's no way I would send one to state school & one to private. Lots of things go along with private school that your older DD will miss out on as well.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2015 12:10

Send them both to the same school and use the money for after school activities for both of them and holidays abroad that will broaden their interests.

A good state school will achieve just the same results in the end and without the cost.

FannyFanakapan · 01/02/2015 12:14

A good state school will achieve just the same results in the end and without the cost.

Absolutely. Save some of the money to enable them to go to Uni in a couple of years time, without a monstrous debt.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2015 12:19

The other thing, of course, is the relationship between your daughters. You are just setting them up for a lifetime of problems if you do spend all your spare money on educating your younger daughter.

AgentProvocateur · 01/02/2015 12:19

Send them both to the same school. Hugely unfair for your older child to have to have a changed lifestyle because you need to pay fees for her sister. Can only lead to resentment. Although you've let the genie out of the bottle now by letting the younger one do the exam when you can't afford the fees without sacrifices. What had you decided to do when you put her in for the exam?

Alsoflamingo · 01/02/2015 12:19

I think really tricky to send one state and one private. Even if your eldest says she is (just about) OK with it I suspect it will cause hurt and resentment down the line. I know a family where the boy was sent private and the (far cleverer) girls went state. There has always been resentment about it within the family.

senua · 01/02/2015 12:20

we were in a different position financially when DD1 took the exam ... When DD1 didn't make it in, I did take a lower paid but easier life type of job

If there is a three year gap between them then is DD1 starting Y10 (GCSEs) as DD2 is starting Y7?
How about you go back to a higher paid job to earn more money and also ask the school if they will do a deal on two sets of fees? If there is no flexibility then walk away and send both to the State.

Pensionerpeep · 01/02/2015 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 12:22

No, both to state school.

It's not giving your dd2 the same opportunity at all - by the time she got to that age, you'd already taken the lower paid job which would meant that her going won't only give her a 'better' education than her sister (which you could argue is simply her right to have the chance at, etc.) but with your current circumstances will now mean that her sister and the rest of the family actively LOSE OUT on things/time to fund her education.

So it's not the same at all - and I think sets up huge trouble for the future. I'd be more worried than anything about it affecting their relationship, to be honest. That's worth more than any school place. I definitely wouldn't have let her take the exam.

However, I also think - and this is my personal opinion - that she'll do just as well at a good state school, and sacrificing family lifestyle for private is insane. So - protect their relationship, give them equality of schooling (perhaps even more important if your DD1 is already less academic - don't open the gap even further!) and enjoy a stable financial family position. No brainer.

Namehanger · 01/02/2015 12:23

We had this - offered DS1 private, not happy at state school but in the end decided to go to local state.

DS2 - gave the same choice, he choose to go private.

DS1 stropped out and we ended up moving to a different private school. He is now in the place he should have been if, if he wasn't just a pain/ immature.

DS2 would have been happy to go local state if his brother hadn't been there.

So now two in private, this stuff has a habit of biting you on the bum when you open up the option.

Iloveweetos · 01/02/2015 12:23

Dh's sister is always telling their parents how much they owe Her by not sending her to private but the others did. Don't out yourself in that situation

Stillyummy · 01/02/2015 12:26

As a private school kid, I saw lots of other kids with siblings in state school. They all got on ok.

But I also saw a few kids that didn't get to do the school trips and other social things the rest of us did. Those kids were not happy as they felt they were missing out.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 01/02/2015 12:27

I've got no advice on the money thing. (If it was me I think I would talk to the DC and explain that the private school would mean living tightly for a few years, and see if you could work out a solution together).

But my DSC go to different schools- one private, one state. In my experience, there's not much resentment because they can both see rationally about it. And the one in the state school (3 years younger than the one in private) actually suits his school much better than he would a private school and he knows that.

What we do do though is sometimes give the one in state school a treat or a trip or something that the private school one doesn't get. They both think this is a good idea because they know how much we spend on private school and also the older one gets many more school opportunities than the state school one gets.

Maybe just have a big chat with them and explain the dilemma. Your DD might say she would prefer to go to state anyway if it means you'll have a better quality of life and dont have to give up holidays or trips and things.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2015 12:29

I'd send both the state school. If the private school was completely free of charge on a bursary or scholarship or the like then I'd consider it. But not under the circumstances of the whole family having to cut back for one child's education and not the other.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2015 12:37

I might do it if the child going to private school was going because they were extremely gifted in dance or music or something similar. If that school could provide something that a state school couldn't, then that would be different.

However, they will come out with the same skills and qualifications, won't they? You will be expecting your DD1's quality of life to be worse and yet the outcome will be the same. That really isn't fair.

Sunbury1986 · 01/02/2015 12:46

Is there any negotiation on the scholarship front? Assuming she got one? Some schools offer assisted places to pupils who pass exam but without financial help would not be able to take the place, even with a scholarship. Schools are businesses and I the current climate most independent schools need the numbers in. Perhaps you can negotiate with the bursar? I'm not totally sure why you even offered the chance to take the exam if you knew this would happen though.