One daughter at State School and now the second has an offer at Private

[FishBall]

Hi,
First post in here! And just wanted to hear from people who may have gone through a similar thing.
We gave both our DDs a chance at doing the exam for a private school nearby, the first didn't pass and has gone to a good State school, and just recently the second has passed, and been offered a place.
Our dilemma is I would need to change jobs to be able to pay for the PS, and life would be tight for 5 years.
But more importantly, I'm more worried about the effect it would have on the older sibling. They both get on really well, and there's a 3 year age gap.
We've all sat down and talked about it, and the eldest I know is not overly happy, but is being positive and kind about it.
DH is equally unsure but is swinging towards sending them both to State, which would mean a better quality of life for all 4 of us.
Long term what effect do think it will have on both?
Many Thanks!

Don't do it. I think the consequences could be far reaching well into adulthood for the daughter who didn't make it.

A close friends husband went to private and his younger brother state, they are both now in their 40s and have a very strained relationship almost entirely due to guilt/envy over their schooling and each of their relationships with their parents is troubled with friends dh feeling that the parents always over compensated their affection to the younger brother as he didn't get the better schooling, very sad. I wouldn't do it myself, I find parenting a big enough guilt trip as it is ...........

I skimmed most of the thread, and I didn't immediately see your question directly answered with first-hand current knowledge, so sorry if this covering old ground.

We are currently in this situation. I have two sons, one in Y9 in a good local state school and one in Y7 at a top echelon independent. We struggled with this very topic (and I am pretty sure I even asked the same question you did a year ago!). So far, it is working fine for us. We (the entire family, sons included) that our two boys are completely different people and as such, have different needs. The eldest is no academic slouch (he is a musician), but my youngest is really, really bright. He also has a quirky personality. My older son is tremendously proud of his brother and brags constantly to others about his success. My youngest is proud of his older brother and his successes. The money thing isn't a problem for us (my parents are mostly footing the bill), so I can't help you there. We just made sure that the older one would never not get something to help his development because "we can't afford it" - he just got a new sax and we always make sure he can go on any school trip.

I hope it can work for you as well as it has worked for us (so far, touch wood!). Let me know if I can answer any questions for you.

Going to very different types of schools doesn't always cause problems between siblings. My sibling passed exams and went to an excellent school. I, on the other hand, didn't pass and went to the local comp. It has never caused any problems between us. They were happy at their school and I was happy at mine - we had no money and went on one camping holiday a year.

Another watcher in much the same position. Similar DC's to JustADadHere, both very different and talented in different ways and only 13 months apart in age, so close. I don't believe 'one size fits all' as each child has different strengths and weaknesses. Although the good state our elder DC attends gets good results, the independent I favour I am confident is better overall for our youngest. - mainly for the smaller class sizes, but other reasons too
Moneywise, youngest has been awarded a scholarship and we are applying for a bursary. Eldest can try for entry at Y9 if he wants to, we will see how things go. OP, could you speak to the bursar at the independent re fees for your eldest, everything in life being negotiable? Definately worth a conversation, nothing ventured nothing gained. Some schools I hear do BOGOF !
I sympathsize, it is a difficult decisions with many affecting factors but ultimately follow your gut feelings about which schools suit your children best. I want to give my DC's the best education I can - it's more important to some people than others (not judging, just fact).

But, JustaDad, you are not paying, so you are not having to scrimp on what your second child can have. In my view it is grossly unfair that your son has a whacking amount of money from your parents, whilst your other child has comparatively little. The privately educated child will have school trips and music lessons too, plus an expensive uniform, so there is still a huge difference in what each gets. How are your parents going to square this circle ? What if all their spare money is going on one grandchild with little left for the other one? You obviously want to justify your decision but we paid for our DDs to have exactly the same education and there can be no fall outs later in life because one was favoured monetarily above the other. I do hope you and your parents can ensure your state educated child gets the same financial backing at some stage. If this is not the case, I would feel very uncertain about the future when questions are asked by the less favoured child!

More money does not necessarily mean a better education. As a parent I believe you need to find the best school you can for each individual child, for some children the state option may be the better one so it would be wrong to spend money to send them private just so they are "treated the same". If you need to treat them fairly with regard to money spent then setting up of a university /house fund for the state educated child would be better than sending them to a school that doesnt meet their needs.

Setting up a fund for the state educated child is a good idea, but the difficulty is that the money is tight, so would that money be available?

After DD1 didn't get into the independent school OP took a decision to work fewer hours. I assume was to everyone's benefit, but this time, all the family would have to tighten their belts to ensure that DD2 gets the private school education.

I can't also help noticing that OP would have to change jobs - I don't know how easy that would be to do. If that's a non-starter then the money isn't there and the question of which school doesn't arise.

[Sorry, all at probably doesn't help a jot.]

I don't think having children at different schools is a problem; I know lots of families with children in different schools, including a private. I'd be more concerned about the financial implications especially for your DD2 at the private if money was so tight.

A friend in Bournemouth sent her daughters to a private school funded by her estranged father. The daughters were tormented at that school for being 'poor' as they couldn't afford all the little extras on top of the school fees. I quote some of the girls that picked on them "What's that smell? Oh it's Xx. You can just SMELL the poverty wherever they are!"

I'd only send DD2 to the private if she will be also able to have all the things her new friends will. Trips, holidays, going shopping, a car on her 17th birthday etc. otherwise she'll always feel like the poor relation.

Any financial decision which involves the phrase 'I would need to change jobs to be able to afford (whatever)...' should be rejected. Who is to say that you will find/get a better paying job?

The question here is not really whether it's ok to send one child state and one privately (it's absolutely fine by the way so long as the quality of education is good enough in both) but more about should your older child have a reduced standard of living so that you can send the younger one privately and the answer to that has to be no, that's not fair.

I also wonder why you sat her for the school knowing that you can't really pay the fees? The only way that would be ok is if she had a need that absolutely couldn't be met in the state sector.

I say this as a parent with children in both sectors. However, our decision was not made on financial grounds, we fell in love with the state school regardless and the child in private school misses out on nothing - he still goes on school trips, I've just paid £2k for him to go abroad, he's off to summer camp in the summer £1k, he does a pricey out of school hobby, has weekly tutoring in One subject and he will go on 2 long haul holidays this year. If we hadn't been able to maintain this for him due to paying fees we would not have sent the other privately. That's where I believe the resentment comes in, not from the cost of the education if both schools are good but when the state educated child can't do things they want to do because all the money is going on school fees.

I have one in private and one a year younger in state. Both dc are at the right school for them.

OP, is there any chance of getting a bursary for your DD2? Lots of children go to different schools, even different state schools, depending on their academic ability. What seems unfair Ito me is asking your entire family to tighten their belts so your youngest daughter can go private—but a bursary could solve that particular problem.

Soexcited - another question is: should DD2 not be able to make the most of an opportunity because her older sister isn't as bright as her. Harsh, but that's the issue, if DD1 had been able to pass the exam, she would be there, then DD2 would go, the standard of living and education would be the same. The issue is that DD1 failed. If it had been the other way round, if DD1 had got in, then DD2 failed, would the OP have removed DD1 so that DD2 could have the better standard of living of a part time working mum with more cash?

OP - by putting your DD2 in for the exam without being clear you'd send her if she passed, you created a situation where whatever you do, it can be seen as unfair on one child. Do you reduce DD1's standard of living for her sister's sake, or do you reduce DD2's standard of education for her sister's sake/because her sister wasn't able to pass.

Look into burseries for DD2, but I would say you should send them to the same school, however that decision should have been made before you dangled the carrot infront of DD2 - putting her in the exam when you didn't want to send her to the school was not fair on her - did you just assume she'd fail?

oh and DD1 not being overly happy might be not just about the difference in standard of living, but trying to process the fact her younger sister managed to pass when she failed.

If one sibling is a lot more able/talented, it can be hard for the other to cope with, even if they do end up at the same school. This might well be the first time there's been a direct comparassion between the girls when the older one realised she wasnt 'as good' at something than her younger sister.

I think you've already created a problem by letting her sit the exam- which is really unfair. I wouldn't dream of sending one private and one state, it's unfair on many levels. Also, if money is an issue, the one who goes private will have ski ing trips, expensive days out, expensive uniforms and a whole different circle of friends. It's a different lifestyle, my friend still resents her brother going to private school, even though he was pulled out near the end as their mum lost her job.

"ski ing trips, expensive days out, expensive uniforms and a whole different circle of friends"

Sounds like my DDs state school(currently wondering where I put her thermals needed for next weeks ski trip)!

And shooting holidays, polo ponies, villas in the Caribbean, Daddy's Coutts Card, the lifestyle is totally different insome state schools!!! Only joking!

How was it "only fair" to offer your second dd the same opportunity when your financial circumstances have changed, meaning you'll struggle to afford it?

I can only assume you imagined she would fail the exam too...

There are so many different types of state and private schools that to make a blanket statement that the experiences are different is not necessarily correct. A high performing, low FSM middle class comprehensive in an affluent area and an independent day school with average fees such as the GDST schools with no boarding are unlikely to be hugely different in terms of lifestyle. Certainly my child at state school mixes with private school children both socially and in his out of school activities - they live in similar houses, go on similar holidays, drove similar cars, have similar birthday parties etc etc. they will also likely have movement between the schools at 6th form level.

However, an inner city comprehensive and a boarding school or a very exclusive school are much more likely to have a wider disparity in lifestyle and experiences. Without the knowledge of what kind of state and private schools the OP is referring to it's impossible to discuss differences in lifestyle

It's very harsh in the younger one to allow her to sit a test for wa school that you may now choose for her not to go to. But equally not fair in the older one to have to make sacrifices for the younger one school. What a conundrum! And so avoidable!

I know lots of families where it has worked the other way round ie 11+ failers have gone privately whilst their siblings have gone to state grammars.But the situation here is very different..
I have also known children who have passed private school,entrance eams and then not got the scholarship/bursary they needed and not been able to go
You are storing up trouble, I would say if you send her to the private school

You are where you are. The question is, how to gracefully unwind all this?

I think first you want DD2 to know that you are proud she passed the test and was willing to have a go. Then you sit down and do your sums with information about next year's tuition costs. Virtually guaranteed to be higher than this year's. Then you tell DD2 that it was always going to be tight, but in light of rising fees for next year you've been priced out. But you are still very, very proud of her.

Then you sit both DDs down, let them know how proud and happy you are with both of them and discuss that there will be some money in the kitty for school trips and other enrichment activities within reason and think through what some of those might be. You might even float the idea of trying again for 6th form, if they are still game because 2 years each is easier than 7.

Would this work?

Maybe then write to the school to say that sorry because of financial circumstances you have to withdraw and keep your fingers crossed that they want DD2 sufficiently to offer some assistance?

What a mess! When do you have to decide by?