One daughter at State School and now the second has an offer at Private

[FishBall]

Hi,
First post in here! And just wanted to hear from people who may have gone through a similar thing.
We gave both our DDs a chance at doing the exam for a private school nearby, the first didn't pass and has gone to a good State school, and just recently the second has passed, and been offered a place.
Our dilemma is I would need to change jobs to be able to pay for the PS, and life would be tight for 5 years.
But more importantly, I'm more worried about the effect it would have on the older sibling. They both get on really well, and there's a 3 year age gap.
We've all sat down and talked about it, and the eldest I know is not overly happy, but is being positive and kind about it.
DH is equally unsure but is swinging towards sending them both to State, which would mean a better quality of life for all 4 of us.
Long term what effect do think it will have on both?
Many Thanks!

I agree with SoExcited, that there is no blanket right or wrong, and individual circumstances mean it could be right or wrong to send one sibling private and the other not.

Firstly,it is important to meet their individual needs, which might not be the same. One child may benefit far more from private than the others for all kinds of reasons. The other child may benefit more from state and of course might do better in the end from their state education. Many children every year leave state schools with far higher qualifications than many from private schools - don't forget that.

It depends on the 2 children. Will there be resentment and a sense of it being 'unfair' - if so, prob not a good idea. I think this largely comes down to parental attitudes towards different schools and if they believe and sub consciously put forward the idea that the private is better. If they believe and put forward the idea that both schools can be right for different individuals, then the children are likely to feel this way too.

And the impact on the family lifestyle is important too. If one going private means no holidays and scrimping for everyone else, it could lead to resentment.

So in short, I think sending one private and one not can be perfectly possible and know lots of people who do this without any real problem. They value the education of each child and have chosen an education for each child. Their children know this and thrive.

Of course, if the State school is rubbish, then sending one private (although they can be rubbish too of course!) isn't really on.

And when the choice is made for purely monetary reasons (can only afford one set of fees) I think you might be on shaky ground - if really you would like both in private and think it would actually be best for both, it's not really fair to only give it to one.

Yes one has not passed the exam, but were there other private schools they could have got into? Was the state school they did go to the best option for them (could well have been) - if so, then both are having the best for them and I think it is fine. That I think is the key issue. And if one gets what is best for them and the other doesn't because of money, then that's not fair.

Many parents with all their children in private schools send all the children to different schools, each chosen with the individual in mind. They won't all cost the same. This is fine, because they are chosen with the individual in mind. It seems very feasible to me, that good state options might be the best option for some family members and not others. It's not a money based decision though!

It's not a money based decision though!

Except in OP's case - it does seem to be, because the family income isn't sufficient for them to cover the fees without major economies and/or a job change.

What doesn't seem to have been discussed is DD2's opinion of having to go to the good state school that her sister is at, assuming that she was offered a place there.

This happened to my dad and his brother and it is still talked about years later. Madness - send them to same school. Family must come first surely?!

My sister went private, I went to comp. never bothered me. I liked my school she liked hers.

Different schools is fine so long as neither child feels they have suffered for the other or that they 'lost out'

I think it would be slightly different if DD1 had passed but chosen not to go!

My Sister went to a private secondary and I was state all the way through in an average comp. I was fine academically as self motivated, my sister was ( as she recognises) lazy and demotivated. She achieved much more from the smaller classes and inability to Coast she experienced in one year at my school. I didn't resent it as realised it was best for her. My parents were luckily able to afford the fees.

This happened with me & my sister we are now nc as she came to see her self as better than me, worth more & a nasty horrible bully. Though our relationship had never been good & she'd always been a bit of a bully this was the final straw. Though may have happened anyway.

We have Grammar schools where we live and quite a lot of private schools. This has a knock on effect on academic standards in the state sector though the state faith schools often buck that trend.

Our first (DD) passed Grammar and goes there. Our second (DD) didn't and we were lucky enough to get a faith school place. Our third (DS) didn't are we are waiting to hear if he has a private school place, otherwise he will join his sister at the coed faith school. Goodness knows where our youngest (DD) will end up!

We have talked to the children about why we think the school they are at or may go to will be good for them - the best we can manage given how well they might perform on any particular day of testing, how big the school is, how close the school is to our house etc. If DS gets a private school place, we will feel that financially but we don't plan on letting the DC feel that. We don't think the girls private schools around here offer anything as good as the boys ones so we didn't go down that path for DD2.

Will there be problems in the future? I don't know but I think it helps if you make a point of celebrating each child's strengths and successes.

I was in exactly your position a year ago - DS had failed to get into a local and very selective private school, so went state, but DD (3 years younger) passed. She's now in Y7 at the private school and loving it. Though unlike you my financies had changed a lot for the better in the 3 years in between so I can afford the fees comfortably (new DH is helping).

I've not actually found it a problem having them one at each - though I'm lucky that my DS is very settled at his school and wouldn't want to move. He's Y10 now and chosen 2 GCSE options that he couldn't have done at the private school which has a very traditional cirriculum. To be honest I think he's have been fine there, but he thinks it would have been a bit stuck up and he doesn't like the uniform they wear. All in all, he's not jealous of DD and unbothered by where she goes. I've tried to emphasise to him that he's just as bright - he's just got strong strenghts and weaknessness whereas DD is more of an all-rounder, and that's what the private school was looking for. He is aware of the high school fees that I'm paying for DD, but I don't mention it often if I can avoid it. If you can make cuts without DD1 noticing that would better than if she was aware there was less for family holidays or on her because of DD2's school fees.

So I think a lot depends on how your DD1 feels about not getting in to the private school, and what she thinks of her current school, and whether you can pursuade her of the benefits of where she is. It's possible she'd have found the private school too pressured or narrowly academic for her - does she see that benefit of where she is? I've also told DS that I'm happy to pay for any extra-cirricular activities or school trips he likes - whereas DD is rationed (partly because she always wants to do everything, and partly because I'm already paying so much on her fees). DS is aware of that benefit to him.

Is there an option (for either of them) in changing at sixth form? If it's possible DD1 might want to move a private sixth form, then I think i wouldn't want to send DD2 private from 11 if that would mean you couldn't afford it for both of them at sixth form.

It's hard isn't it? One way is unfair as you're spending a lot more on one child than the other, But the other way is unfair as you've given one of them an option of something you're then denying the other.

I sympathise with your dilemma now that you've given your dd2 this opportunity and she hopes to go to the private school, but I think you need to sort out in your mind what your dd1 failing that entrance exam actually means. Obviously it means your dd1 couldn't go to that school, but does it have to mean anything more than that? Are you taking it as a sign that spending say a few thousand pounds a year on her education in other ways would be wasted, because she wasn't good enough to pass that one exam?

If you say that because your dd2 passed that exam she gets to have £12k or whatever spent on her education each year, and your dd1 now gets even less money spent on her, then you're making that single private school exam an incredibly significant measure of what they each 'deserve', or need, educationally.

All a private school is is a convenient 'package deal' way of buying in lots of educational resources at once - facilities, teaching time, smaller class sizes etc. It's not the only way to spend that money though. The whole may be greater than the sum of the parts but some of the parts are available separately - through things like extra tutoring, trip opportunities, extra-curricular activities.

If you let your dd2 passing that exam stop you spending money on your dd1 that way, by directing all your money towards the 'package deal' private-school education for your dd2, you are favouring your dd2 hugely and your dd1 will be aware of that.

Private for one and state for the other is fine if you're still directing your resources fairly equally towards each child, however you're doing it, but if you do this you'll be directing all your resources towards your dd2 based on her passing one exam, with virtually nothing left over for your dd1.

It isn't even that clear that your dd1 not passing that exam isn't a sign that she needs extra help more - maybe of the two of them, your dd1 might be the one whose life chances will be most significantly improved by money being spent on something like extra maths tutoring or the chance to go to a language school in the holidays? If so then she's going to be doubly let down by everything going to your dd2.

Like I said I do sympathise, but I think you should think seriously about the weight you're giving to the passing/failing of that single exam, before you let it direct your spending for seven years so extremely towards one daughter and not the other.

A friend of mine sent her academic DS private, and his sister to state.

She is keeping a bank account for the sister with the same amount of money spent on his education, for her daughter to use for the deposit on a house. A School trip at the private school this year was £3500 (wtf, but yes, really), so daughter gets 3500 added to her fund too.

Otherwise she would not feel it was fair.

paranoiacprimadonna - perfectly put !

Great post paranoia. I was state educated, my sister went to a private school. Has never caused any resentment but that's because I was never interested in going to private school in the first place, was quite happy going to the local state school so never took the exam (my sister is older so was already at private school at this point). My parents were also in a good financial position so my sister going there had no impact on me. They saved up money to help put me through uni which I never expected them to do but they said they felt it was fair as my sister had had thousands spent on her education.

I think if things are going to be tight financially there could be resentment as your elder daughter may feel like the younger daughter is getting all the money spent on her. I'd think very carefully before sending your younger daughter to the private school.

If this is a second post, I'm sorry. Just trying this for first time and don't think my last question went through. Any advice. Eldest DD offered place at JAGS and wait listed for Alleyns. Waiting to see her state options. Graveney, St. Marylebone, Grey Coats. 2 DS's to come. Not as focused as she is and will probably not fair as well in the state sector so we are thinking private for them because we don't have loads of options where we live. Currently in state primary. Should I send her to JAGS so that it seems fair? We aren't wealthy and any school fees are a hardship, but we are willing to do it for their education and have made a plan. She wants to go to Graveney over JAGS but we know how tough that can be. If she gets in, would you send yours there or go to JAGS?? Because our boys may very well go private in the end, not because we don't want to pay for her, but because they need more discipline and could flounder in a state secondary. Help.

Trying the balance educational decisions financially is fraught with problems. The child who is at the private school has not elected to have all that money spent on them. The parents decided to do it. To save up for a house to compensate the state educated one is madness! The privately educated one may well turn round and deeply resent they had no choice in having a house or having the education! It is ghastly to put children in this position. Some private schools are pretty basic. If you are talking about Harrow and a basic comp, that's different. Even then, the idea of compensation stinks and will cause problems if the privately educated one is not a success. What happens if the one with the massive savings turns out to earn £500,000 a year?

This is a very tricky one as you want to offer both children the same opportunities, which IMO you have as you sat both the same exams, except the first one didn't get in, and the second one did. I sort of feel that the path of the first child should not necessarily dictate the second - after all, if the first child got into a PS school, then you would have sent her there, which is fair, at which point, you would feel obliged to send the second child private, impacting the whole family financially anyway.So you could argue that is it fair that the fact the first child didn't get in means that the second is denied that choice.

That is all theoretical as we all have to live in the real world, and finances are massively important. It would also depend on what type of PS, as some are very moneyed, and others less so.

By the way, i have friends that sent their DD to a sought after state school, while the DS is heading to a PS due to lack of choices that would suit his needs - he is very sporty, and they are all fine as there is an understanding on the reasoning.

I went to a state school, and my younger sibling private. The difference was that my mum remarried after I started secondary school, and my step father was better versed in the school system and hence the different schools. However, they did not talk to us about it, or explain, and for the longest time, I just made up my own narrative, which was she was more favoured. You have spoken openly about finances etc, so it will be a family decision - unfortunately, there is a risk of resentment from the younger child of being denied this chance if DC is especially keen to go PS.

Coming late to the party - but what would you have done money-wise if DD1 had passed the exam too? I think the idea of putting the same money aside for DD2 that one PP suggested is a brilliant idea.

bunny123, "if the first child got into a PS school, then you would have sent her there, which is fair, at which point, you would feel obliged to send the second child private." They might have felt obliged to do so but they can't afford two sets of school fees - they can't even pay for DD2 now without the op changing her job and reducing the standard of living for the whole family. What would they have done if the first child had passed? Pulled her out of the private school to make it fair on the second child?

Bearleigh, "I think the idea of putting the same money aside for DD2 (I think you mean DD1 Bearleigh)...is a brilliant idea." They won't have any spare money to put aside, in fact they will be reducing DD1's standard of living to help pay for DD2's school fees.

What were you thinking op? Is the private school some sort of music/arts school that offers an education your DD2 can't access elsewhere? In which case why would she leave at 16? Were you hoping your second DD would win some sort of scholarship/reduced fees? If she's only been offered a full fees place then I would be inclined to think she hasn't done enough to deserve special treatment.