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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

One daughter at State School and now the second has an offer at Private

95 replies

FishBall · 01/02/2015 09:30

Hi,
First post in here! And just wanted to hear from people who may have gone through a similar thing.
We gave both our DDs a chance at doing the exam for a private school nearby, the first didn't pass and has gone to a good State school, and just recently the second has passed, and been offered a place.
Our dilemma is I would need to change jobs to be able to pay for the PS, and life would be tight for 5 years.
But more importantly, I'm more worried about the effect it would have on the older sibling. They both get on really well, and there's a 3 year age gap.
We've all sat down and talked about it, and the eldest I know is not overly happy, but is being positive and kind about it.
DH is equally unsure but is swinging towards sending them both to State, which would mean a better quality of life for all 4 of us.
Long term what effect do think it will have on both?
Many Thanks!

OP posts:
senua · 01/02/2015 13:28

You can always go half-way house: send them both to State but spend some money (less than the cost of Private) on targeted tutoring for both of them.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/02/2015 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2468Motorway · 01/02/2015 14:22

The thing is Neeascarf is they won't have any spare cash for DD1 if they send DD2 private. Also most privates are a min of 12K a year, that's a lot of swimming lessons and trips with the scouts.

2468Motorway · 01/02/2015 14:25

Knowing your own financial situation I have to say you were foolish to sit DD2 for the test. Unless there is a special reason why DD2 needs this school I think it is hard to ask DD1 yo give up family holidays and trips for her sister.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2015 14:45

No, I would send both to state school as it sounds like it will affect the whole family financially.
We had 2 that went all the way through state school, a huge gap and dd has had a mix of state primary, H.ed and hopefully soon private.
The only reason why we would consider doing this is that it won't cost us much more financially.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 01/02/2015 15:27

It depends on which fee-paying school, and the state alternative. We need names of the schools.

TalkinPeace · 01/02/2015 15:40

Right on parents give their children options

One child tries for and goes to a world famous public school
The other goes to a local, extremely good, state school

only in their late 30s are the differences in opportunity being resolved between the children
the parents views are unsaid but their pain is visible

ONLY
take the different routes if you are aware every week about ensuring the best for each child.

Whyjustwhyagain · 01/02/2015 15:55

I don't understand why you would put your DD in for the private school test, if you weren't going to follow through if she got an offer.
Or were you hoping she would sit the test and fail it?

Essexmum69 · 01/02/2015 16:06

Lots of parents have one at state and one in private where I live, BUT we have very selective state schools and minimally selective private schools, so it is generally the child who passes the 11 plus at the state school and the one who didn't at the private.

TalkinPeace · 01/02/2015 16:09

On the other hand, a family where there is a family trust that covers ALL childrens' education and activities
All of the kids apply for the private, some get in , some don't. The trust also pays for all trips
No angst as they all had equal shots at the prize the private school being co-ed helps massively

2468Motorway · 01/02/2015 16:50

Talkin I see the main problem as not only will the older child not have a fee paying education but is being asking to have a life outside school with fewer frills.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 01/02/2015 16:55

I'm another who doesn't understand why you let the younger one take the test when the elder wasn't at privat school.

Either both go or none. You cant send one and not expect the other to feel second best, even worse as this will have a huge financial impact on her. Can you imagine as an adult knowing all the household income was spent on sending a sibling to private school whilst you went without lots and went to the local state?

Any spare money can be used for activities, tutors etc if you want more than state can provide but both deserve to be treated equally.

Bowlersarm · 01/02/2015 16:57

In our area many, many families send 1 or 2 of their children privately and 1 or 2 to state, normally grammar, schools. It is very common here.

Could your older Dd go to the private school for sixth form to redress the balance?

lunar1 · 01/02/2015 16:58

Every time you have to say no to something for dd1 she will attribute it to you paying thousands for her sisters school. I've no idea why you would even get dd2 to do the exam. It all seems unfair to them both.

TalkinPeace · 01/02/2015 17:00

Bowlersarm
In our area many, many families send 1 or 2 of their children privately and 1 or 2 to state, normally grammar, schools. It is very common here.
Considering that only 7% of kids go to private schools, either your area or your friends are extreme outliers on mainstream society

TooHasty · 01/02/2015 17:09

A private school is not better academically than a GS

clary · 01/02/2015 17:17

If you could easily afford the fees for DD2 it would be a different story IMO. It would be like one passing to go to grammar and the other not, she is brighter and goes to the more academic school.

But if, even with a change of job, life would be tight ie maybe giving up holidays, trips, treats, new clothes, nice furniture, for everyone if DD2 goes to private school, then I think you can't possibly justify it.

I agree, I am not sure why you let her sit the test. If DD1 had got in would DD2 have also sat the test? Would you have afforded two sets of private fees (your posts suggest not)?

I would save the ?£12k per year and go on some fabulous holidays/pay for music lessons or horse riding or new athletics spikes (or whatever they love) instead. And yes get a tutor if you think they are falling behind.

Bowlersarm · 01/02/2015 17:22

Not sure what an outlier is Talkin, but yes a lot of my friends and people I know - from our village for example, have sent some of their chikdren to prep/private senior schools, and some to primary/state secondary schools. Also a good mix for 6th forms as well, from private to grammar and vice versa. Not normally one child all the way through in one way, but some chopping and changing around.

fairywoods · 01/02/2015 17:29

My brother went private boarding & I went comprehensive girls. As a family we struggled financially, no fitted carpets, TV or central heating (it was 40 years ago!). My dad thought girls didn't need the same education & couldn't have afforded to send us both. I really don't resent my brother but I do remember missing out on school trips and having to go without to pay the school fees. Have you thought how expensive uni is nowadays? Maybe fairer and better to help both DS with uni fees? The debt they will be in for student loans plus compound interest is not to be underestimated!

fairywoods · 01/02/2015 17:31

Sorry DBS not DS

fairywoods · 01/02/2015 17:32

Predictive text daughters I mean!

MillyMollyMama · 01/02/2015 17:33

If it is a bog standard private school without any particular advantages I would say don't send second DD there. The DDs will be fine in the state system.

If it is a top private school with lots of very rich parents like Stowe or Heathfield, then there could be real problems of being near to penniless in schools like this. If the cost of fees plus all the associated costs of uniform, trips, sports equipment is going to make the older DD go without, then it is definitely unreasonable to send the second one to the private school.

We live in a grammar school county and there are plenty who go private for a non grammar child. However the local private schools are not better than the grammars so there is no advantage gained. This is how it is justifiable here. However, if there is a marked difference between the schools I really would not send one to state and one to private.

Clavinova · 01/02/2015 18:45

Presumably the private school is something quite special academically or the 'good' state school isn't that good after all - otherwise why would the younger dd have sat the exam?

I know 4 or 5 families who have one or more child at a super selective grammar school and another child at an independent school because one child didn't pass the exam for the grammar.The difference is the dc who go to the state grammars feel clever and privileged (for want of a better word) at having passed such competitive exams and the education they receive is amongst the best state education in the country. I can't see any advantages for the eldest dd in the op's situation unless of course she can send her to private sixth form, pay her uni fees or pay for some rather special trips abroad etc.

Original poster
FishBall · 01/02/2015 19:46

Thank you all for your valuable advice, most gratefully received!
Thank you especially senua, TheyLearnedFromBrian, ImperialBlether.
I'll keep you posted x

OP posts:
summerends · 01/02/2015 22:03

Fishball as others have said first of all work out if the private school is actually that much better. If it really is in the essentials that matter, consider a compromise such as your DD2 starting later (year 9) and your DD1 trying for the sixth form. It can't be a helpful situation that your DD1 should have her extras cut down as a result of her younger sister going to private school.