Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

I think that when you have children your annual leave/holidays stop being your own regardless of what your working hours are. Me and DH both work full time and not teachers, we do not have 13 weeks annual leave between us so we alternate holidays, neither of us get any days off that are just for us to have a day off.

You and he could look at holiday clubs for a few days in the longer holidays to give him the option of a few days off, that would be a reasonable option and you use some of your annual leave to take a few days here and there and to have a family holiday.

How about the kids go to a kids club for a day each half term and a bit longer in easter and summer. Lots of teachers need do a bit of work in the holidays and its nice to have an actual break too. They arent all expensive childcare clubs, lots of churches do a cheap 1 week in the summer for instance. Any grandparents that can have them for a day too?
I have a term time contract and I still gave myself the odd day off in the holidays. I also think you should take the odd day off to yourself to balance it, and make sure you have a holiday all together, even if the holiday is at home.

When you are a parent things stop being ‘your own’ so he needs to amend that mindset for a start.
Yes time to yourselves is imperative, but if he has 13ish weeks off a year, he should be doing childcare during that time, not for all of it of course but the majority of it. Can you put children in holiday clubs for a couple of days a week?

He has kids but feels that annual leave is no longer 'his own'? Worrying, and completely unrealistic.

I’m a teacher and my partner isn’t. We pay for childcare in term time only which saves us a lot of money. I look forward to my holidays as I can spend time with our son just the 2 of us! My partner works his annual leave around the school holidays so we get time as a family as well. I find your husband’s attitude a little strange. Once you’ve got kids, nothing’s your own is it?! 😂

I'm in this situation, but I'm the teacher. Yes my holidays are never my own. I never get a day "off". We do have some family support, however they do term time childcare for us so I'm reluctant to ask in the holidays.

Do you get any of your own time? I'd make it equal to his if you can.

I have put mine in holiday clubs for the odd day. On the whole I enjoy their company though.

It was the other way round in our house.
I always view the holidays as family time- so it never occurred to me to resent it.
However- I did plan things like clubs, play dates and fun things that I would enjoy too to get some holiday for me time.

When will you get holiday time that doesn't involve the kids- you won't. So it's the same for you too.

Well that's the reality of being a parent, your holidays aren't "your own" any more. Do you get to take any time off of your own that isn't childcare? Doubt it.

I was a child of one teacher and one non-teacher. Teacher did the school holidays. Other parent did the odd days when they didn't match up with school holidays or dentists etc and otherwise only took holiday when we were on holiday.

We were very independent as kids and from age 5 spent most of our time away from our parents doing various free things and only went home in the evenings. We loved it!

This gave our parents plenty of them time. If you can jointly afford it send the kids off to something they can do, but you take the same time off so you and your husband get to do something together without the kids.

Not in this situation as neither of us are teachers, however if I had to entertain my very demanding 5 year old every day for 6 weeks whilst DH went to work I would probably feel a bit overwhelmed. I know he did in lockdown when he was furloughed and I wasn't. I don't see anything wrong with perhaps sending your kids to holiday club a couple of times during the holidays, if you can afford it. Perhaps the two of you could take a day off together? Obviously childcare comes first but you have to take care of your own mental health too.

I’m a teacher and I do all the holiday childcare while my DH works. I usually book them into holiday clubs for a few (4 -6) days over the year so I can have a day to do stuff and they enjoy a day with friends in the club. Also the odd day booking them in means I’m much better looking after them on the other days if I’ve had a bit of a break, and I think they enjoy a change of scene too. Six weeks looking after them without the odd day off can feel a bit full on.

I'm a lone parent and I haven't had any annual leave of "my own" for 15 years!

This is me too

I generally feel lucky to have the holidays with my dc while DH is off to work everyday and we can play, mooch about and have days out.

I’m a teacher, dh isn’t. I love the holidays, we visit family, go for walks, days out, sort out / restock clothes, camping, stay at home and chill… bliss. The problem is that your DH considers this ‘wife work’!

I’ve never once heard a female teacher say this - how very odd! I was a teacher and dh wasn’t - I never expected him to take his annual leave in the school holidays to give me a break 😄. He took his annual leave for us all to spend time together - precious family time.

@Meadowfly absolutely! So dated!!

That’s the joys of being a parent, if you aren’t at work then you have the company of your children. He chose to be a teacher he has huge chunks of holidays therefore he steps up and does his bit.

that’s life!

Former teacher here with DH who has never been a teacher. In school hols my days off were never "my time" and still aren't. I'm restricted to school holidays now for my reduced annual leave entitlement which I have to tag team with DH to cover as much as possible so we now get hardly any time together. I think it does also depend how old your kids are as now even tho I'm off work today I know I can carve out a couple of hours to myself while DD plays computer games online with her friends, when younger I was never left alone.
If your husband wants some time alone them why is it your responsibility to book sports/activity camp and not his? He's grown up enough to be a teacher and look after over 30 children each lesson and do all the admin that goes along with getting qualifications and teaching so he's also grown up enough to organise childcare to have time for himself.

When I was a teacher though as soon as my DH came in from work he would take DD for a bit of time in the garden or whatever just to give me an hour to breathe and then I could come back with a fresh head to reconnect.

I'm a non-teacher married to a teacher. Yes, DH has the kids all summer, Easter and Christmas, and at half term, but that's just how it is. I keep my holidays for the odd days that they're off and he isn't, so I never get time off to myself - on the other hand he has a few days here and there where he's off and the kids are in school, so he actually gets a few child-free days each year.

We both accept that that's just how it is at the moment.

I am the teacher in this scenario and always did all holidays without any question! I do find this attitude a bit strange. I wouldn't have even considered anything different. My DH took holidays in school holiday time so we could spend time together as a family. If you have children you should accept and want to be responsible for looking after them!

single mum teacher here - so I did all childcare in all holidays

It was a fantastic opportunity to fully enjoy family life, without the nagging worry of whether I was fully prepped for the next day.

There was the occasional day, over the decades, when it seemed really heavy going, that is true, but hugely outweighed by the good days

His holidays are not his own, those days belong to his children

By all means take your annual leave to coincide, so you can join in! and plan a few activity days for the children if appropriate, but for the benefit of the child, not the husband

but this is a most appalling cop out by your husband I work with plenty of men who partners dont teach, and they take on all holiday child care, and mostly enjoy it

Your husband is in a wonderfully privileged position

When you have children, your holidays are no longer your own time. When the dc were young, they continued going to nursery one day a week in the holidays so that I could do school work. The rest of the time, they were with me. We did lots of stuff together including lots of days out. I also took them into school with me when I needed to go in. It is very common to see teachers in school with their children in the holidays.

As they got older, they did go to holiday clubs sometimes, again so that I could work. Not yo give me free time. I loved spending time with them in the holidays.

Teacher parent of toddler.

He stays in nursery the days he would normally be in. I have so much work to do in the holidays and errands I build up during term, that I just can’t do with toddler limpeting.

Yesterday I had my first stretch of three hours to myself and I basically sat on the sofa and dribbled, I’m so done in.

Not sure what I’ll do when he goes to school. Book some holiday club perhaps; but he’ll be old enough to not be so demanding, maybe??

Newly single parent here if that makes a difference.

I'm not a teacher but am a single parent living overseas with no family support.

My four weeks are all taken to spend time with my 10yo to literally minimise the amount of time he spends in clubs and childcare over the 14 weeks of holidays.

That said, I'm shattered, I could really do with a break, a few days for me, so I get where he's coming from. If he's saying he needs some time for himself, it's not because he doesn't love the kids but because he needs something for himself too.

Book the in for some activities a couple of days here and there.

Agree with @HedwigIsMyDemon and @Meadowfly - he can’t have it all his way!