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School holidays

Find half term and school holiday activity ideas.

Original poster

Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

429 replies

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 23/02/2023 19:16

I'm a teacher my dh isn't. I do all the holiday childcare. Dh takes time off if we are going on holiday somewhere and the odd day here and there if we arrange something. When the kids were nursery age and we had to pay for the place in holidays I would send them for a break. Once the started school I do all the holidays. I actually really love spending the time with them and during term time I work part time so I get days childfree then. If your dh is full time then he might need some off duty time during the holidays to get work done !

UsingChangeofName · 23/02/2023 19:20

Seasidesusy · 23/02/2023 09:05

I’m a teacher and my partner isn’t. We pay for childcare in term time only which saves us a lot of money. I look forward to my holidays as I can spend time with our son just the 2 of us! My partner works his annual leave around the school holidays so we get time as a family as well. I find your husband’s attitude a little strange. Once you’ve got kids, nothing’s your own is it?! 😂

This.

I mean my dc are grown now, but I always looked after them in the school holidays, and felt really lucky to be able to have that time with them.
Don't get me wrong - like with all parenting, we had some bad days. I don't want to pretend it was some kind of sickly utopia, of course it wasn't, but I definitely felt that was one of the advantages of being a teacher.
They used to enjoy a few hours in school "helping" when I went in.
We used to split any illness / hospital appointments as evenly as we could - so your dh is is getting a good deal there, if you do all of those.
dh would have to cover the teacher training days.
dh would book his time off during school holiday time too - you know, to spend time together with me and the dc, going on holiday.

Your dh has a strange attitude.

Brunelofbrio · 23/02/2023 19:22

For is it works well the teacher can cover the school holidays and the other partner can use their flexibility to do the extras like inset, sick days and medical appointments. As well as family holidays the teacher gets 13 weeks and my DP only gets 5.

we both get a few weekends to ourselves throughout the year. Works for us. Didn’t occur to us to book kids into holiday clubs for ‘me time’

itispersonal · 23/02/2023 19:34

I'm the teacher, partner isn't. I too sometimes wish I had some me holiday time. Dp has a few weeks holiday to himself a year whilst me and dd are at school as we probably only have 2 weeks off together a year.

It also depends on the person but I needs a few days off to myself. I know by the end of some summer holidays my mental health had really taken a bartering. But I started to send dd to a holiday club for a couple of days for a couple of weeks over the summer holidays so I could have some me time. My partner also gets a lot of free free time as daughter and I often go away during school holidays which is definitely a bonus for dd and I.

DisneyChops · 23/02/2023 19:37

I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to want a bit of time to themselves.
That's the precise reason holiday clubs exist.

But hats off to all those perfect parents who don't get a bit fed up of Lego, play dough and pushing their child on a swing for the millionth time in two weeks.

Bottom line is, it should be fair. If one gets a day off the other should too.

DisneyChops · 23/02/2023 19:39

itispersonal · 23/02/2023 19:34

I'm the teacher, partner isn't. I too sometimes wish I had some me holiday time. Dp has a few weeks holiday to himself a year whilst me and dd are at school as we probably only have 2 weeks off together a year.

It also depends on the person but I needs a few days off to myself. I know by the end of some summer holidays my mental health had really taken a bartering. But I started to send dd to a holiday club for a couple of days for a couple of weeks over the summer holidays so I could have some me time. My partner also gets a lot of free free time as daughter and I often go away during school holidays which is definitely a bonus for dd and I.

I don't think any of what you've said is unreasonable.
Completely understandable in fact.
Spending a week with my 3 year old is fun, but I'm just swapping one job for another.

Why shouldn't parents allow themselves a day off every now and then?

Pharmdrama · 23/02/2023 19:40

DH is a teacher I am not.

I try where I can to take most of my annual leave during school holidays so we can spend time as a family and share childcare so we each get time to things for ourselves.

However I do not have even half the leave my DH does so with the best will in the world I cannot do as much holiday childcare as him. Whilst they are still young we can use a nursery place to give DH a break/time to do other house jobs that seem to build up. Soon that will change though and we will need to look into holiday clubs.

I think the OPs DH is getting a bit of a hard time here. She hasn't said he hates every single second of looking after his kids, just that he doesn't really get a break whereas the OP does on occasion get a day to do something she wants. I would struggle if it were me to be honest.

celticprincess · 23/02/2023 19:41

Divorced and a teacher here. Yes I do pretty much all of the holidays. And most weekend. Ex picks and chooses when he does and doesn’t work. He works zero hours so doesn’t really get holiday. Just no work no pay. When he did work a contracted job which went of a monthly shift pattern he would have them on his days off and meant I did get some time to myself without him taking annual leave. But then I got ‘I want to have some time on my own on my days off’. He did when they were at school, his days off were often in the week when the kids were at school and mine were at the weekend when the kids were off. Thanks fully I work part time now so I do get some term time days to myself (although often filled with chores, appointments and voluntary role I do). This term time he has had them for a couple of days. Not sure when he will have them again though as he often works weekends now and no longer lives near where they go to school making that a nightmare public transport trip if it were to happen.

Back to your original point though. If we were still married and I was working full time I would expect that I would have them on holidays and he would take his annual leave also during the holidays so that we could do family things. If he wanted annual leave on his own to do something then I’d expect him to have the kids for the same amount of time in the holidays so I could have the time ‘off’.

Chias · 23/02/2023 19:43

Your DH is taking the piss. It is one of the main perks of the job. I’m not sure why you feel guilty, it isn’t your fault he is a teacher.

Spoldge45 · 23/02/2023 19:45

As others have said I'd do mix of paid childcare & both using your annual leave.

This is what myself and my DH always did, we also didn't any have any family help.

When our daughter was younger 4-9 She preferred holiday clubs but once she got to 9/10 she found these a bit babyish so we found a good childminder instead.

I know quite a few SAHM who uses holiday clubs just so they can have a break & their children get a chance to socialise

niclw · 23/02/2023 19:50

I'm a solo mum and a full time teacher. My son attends nursery term time only. I don't see the point in paying for more than I need plus it's my time with my DS. However saying that, I get that your husband might need a day occasionally. I hadn't seen my friends without our children in 2 years or done anything for myself and it started to affect my mental health. I asked my parents to help for one day/night this half term. It was exactly what I needed. However, as my son gets older (he starts school in September) I may start to use holiday clubs for an occasional day. Not just to give me a break but because I believe that he would benefit from mixing with other children rather than being with me all of the time. My friends children love holiday clubs and beg their mum to send them. Her daughter did a lifesaving course for a week and loved every second. Do what is best for your husband and children but I think he should pick up the slack for childcare in the hols.

KateStev · 23/02/2023 19:50

I work term time only, DH doesn’t.

I do all the holiday childcare which is full on but I mostly enjoy the change of pace from hectic term time. I didn’t used to work term time only and I had never any days off just for myself either (since I had kids) as I always took annual leave to be with them anyway.

It is hard work in the holidays but it feels like a perk rather than a pain as term times are so madly busy.

PaigeMatthews · 23/02/2023 20:01

Im a teacher, dh is not. I dont ‘do childcare’ in the holidays, i parent my children. If i wanted some time for something, id arrange childcare for them. I would not expect my dh to do it for me. our holidays dont always match, dh takes off days or works from home when im working and they are off.

BiasedBinding · 23/02/2023 20:17

“I'm the teacher, partner isn't. I too sometimes wish I had some me holiday time. Dp has a few weeks holiday to himself a year whilst me and dd are at school as we probably only have 2 weeks off together a year.”

this is baffling to me. I get less than half the holiday my teacher husband has. All of my AL is taken to be with the children (either school holidays, inset days or to cover illness or appointments), I don’t have enough AL to take even a day “for myself”, let alone a few weeks!

Purpleturtle45 · 23/02/2023 20:19

I am a teacher, husband is not. I love my kids but the summer holidays in particular are hard going keeping them entertained the whole time. My husband will take a couple of weeks off for us to go on holiday and I get the odd bit of help from the grandparents but mainly I am on my own. I don't give my husband a hard time about it or anything, I understand this is just the most realistic scenario and I got the benefit of long holidays before kids which he never resented and I will get the holidays to myself again at some point.

I think he just needs to accept that's the way it is for now and won't be like that forever but maybe you could take them out for a day at the weekend to give him a break from the constant entertaining, it can be very draining.

Nigglenaggle · 23/02/2023 20:20

He's being an asshole. They are his children. A woman would not be whinging about this. He gets more holiday than you, so he does more childcare. Simples. Presumably at some point you actually get some time off work and both of you get some time for yourselves. Unless you make him wait on you hand and foot in those times then he is being very unreasonable.

ditalini · 23/02/2023 20:22

Dh covers the school holidays. If he wants time to himself when I'm not off as well then he arranges childcare to cover that (but he rarely does).

On the flip side, I never take annual leave when it's not the school holidays (plus obv I have to cover his inset days) so neither of us have holiday time when the children aren't about - that's just the way it is.

Mrscooper13 · 23/02/2023 20:23

But if he wasn’t a teacher surely his holiday would be used covering the kids holidays.

i think either use some form of holiday club to give him a break if you can afford it

whats his solution?

I think especially whilst children are small your holidays aren’t really yours like they used to be it’s just something you have to get on with

Sooz817 · 23/02/2023 20:24

I’m a teacher and DH isn’t. For us I almost exclusively have the children all day every day in the holidays. Surely you accept that the holidays aren’t your own when you have children? They wouldn’t be if you weren’t a teacher either would they? That’s parenting.

On the flip side, as I’m sure you’re more than aware about how inflexible teaching is and how unsympathetic headteachers can be about “life” happening, so it usually means that if something happens term time such as the kids being ill, having an appointment or an INSET day then DH is the one that calls into work 80-90% of the time…

Unmarriedhousewife · 23/02/2023 20:26

I see where dh is coming from, teachers do really need a break just from children in general, even their own. Teaching is horrendous at the moment and we are all at breaking point. I have 2 primary age, I long for the holidays to spend quality time with them but always book them into a holiday club one day per week that we are off.

frenchanglaisbaby · 23/02/2023 20:27

I'm a teacher in an International school so we get a really long summer holiday - nearly 2 months. My OH is not a teacher. He saves 3 weeks in the summer so we can spend that together and I'll do the rest. He doesn't have lots of holiday during the other half terms but I'll put the kids in an activity club for a day or so to give us all a break from each other! We try really hard to give each other a break when we need and we totally take advantage of grandparents when they visit to do something together. I can understand him needing a break. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

millym102 · 23/02/2023 20:28

I'm a teacher and my husband isn't and I do all the childcare in the holidays. They're my kids. It hasn't every occurred to me not to.
Surely everyone who has kids spends their holidays with them.
Now I think about it, the male teachers do seem to put kids in holiday clubs sometimes so they can do planning etc, whereas the female teachers miraculously cope with both. Funny that.

Scandimama · 23/02/2023 20:30

This confuses me. Since when do parents of younger children get to have holidays without kids? I work a 9-5 job and all my holidays are taken up with looking after kids. Never since they were born have I had a single day off without kids, unless it was a sick day! Who expects that?

Businessflake · 23/02/2023 20:32

I really don’t get this. Most parents who work spend the time they are not working looking after their children. For some that’s two days a week at the weekend and for others it’s more.

If he’s that bothered he could sort out holiday club himself instead of moaning about it.

Redwinecamembert · 23/02/2023 20:32

Seriously? If the teacher was a woman would we even be asking this question? How many SAH mums get holidays to themselves?? He needs a wake up call. He'll get holidays to himself again when his kids are 18 and have left home. He has kids now and needs to man up. Most families would kill for one person to be paid a salary in the holidays to stay at home to look after the children. Why do you even entertain the thought that he's being reasonable. My husband is a teacher and guess what? He looks after the kids each and every holiday. Because he's their dad and I'm at work and he wants to spend time with them.