Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

Surely spending time with your kids is holiday? I don't really understand his point at all nor what being a teacher has to do with it. Most people who aren't teachers deliberately book time off in school holidays in order to maximise time with their kids.

Obviously kids clubs can be fun for children and it's helpful for adults to have the odd day to do boring, child unfriendly stuff. But surely the days of long summer breaks with no responsibilities at all have to go on hold when you have small children?

If you can afford it I'd definitely look into a couple of days of holiday club. I'm not a teacher but I do work very flexibly which means holiday childcare is generally down to me and I always use clubs. Not just to get work done but also to give myself the occasional breather.

Why don't you look at a pattern eg

1 day 'off' each every 1/2 term - separately to take completely as yours. So DH takes 1 at each holiday using a club, you take one anytime when kids and DH are at school.

1 day off together each term holiday eg Xmas / Easter / Summer using clubs for kids
Rest of your leave is taken during school holidays then you can either have family time or book in extra 'me' time each with the other taking kids
Paying a babysitter for 1 night out a month for both of you

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH

I think as long as you each get the occasional day off to do something fun, then its ok. It's about equality of child-free time (however little you each get, it should be equal)

Most people who aren't teachers deliberately book time off in school holidays in order to maximise time with their kids

Most people who aren't teachers deliberately book time off in school holidays because otherwise they have to pay for holiday childcare.

Ex teacher - DH not a teacher. No family help. School holidays I looked after kids by myself. It was the only thing that kept me going at that time. Term time I was so busy that I felt I was really missing out on time with the kids, so school holidays were the time I made up for that. Having 6 weeks over summer with the kids when they were little was incredible. I feel very fortunate that I had that.

Pretty sure that with no family support, the concept of 'me time' goes out the window, in any job.

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'.

and when are your holidays your own? quite.
You have children and that changes everything for quite a long while

I was a teacher for almost 25 years before early retirement. My dh is accountant so can take his holidays when he chooses but only allowed 3 weeks in summer break. We took 3 week holidays then I'd come back for results days. I looked after children in school holidays because I was also home but over summer break kids would always do 1 week full day activity clubs and we'd take 3 weeks altogether for family holiday. Over half term and Easter I sometimes booked 1 child or 2 into a holiday club for a few days if something they were interested in. 1 child sporty and 1 liked music/drama. Not always something they liked though. DH did any GP appointments and we always book dentists after school/early evening as ours open until 6pm. If any children unwell DH took a day of annual leave to care for them. It's never been a problem for us because we like spending time with our DC. Any club activities they did they asked for. Younger son loved Sport/swimming all morning and cooking afternoon. Because he attended same club each school holidays he made friends there so very keen to go. In weeks of no clubs I'd book them onto swimming lessons each morning for an hour over a week then take them out somewhere after, usually National Trusts or occasion day to visit in-laws who live in seaside town so we'd sometimes stay 2-3 days and go on beach with retired grandparents. Both sons went into Grampa's shed for hours with him making little woodwork projects then they would paint them. They made flower planters, bird boxes etc. I'd relax or go on a shopping trip with MiL. Your DH sounds a grump tbh. I would not be very happy with him. He is just as capable of booking them into an activity club as you are so make him find one and do the booking himself.

@TheThinWhiteDutchess How old are your little ones? I'm married to a primary school teacher and I work full-time, but we have a deal where DH covers all the holidays, and I cover any other childcare during term time - I do all the school drop offs, picks ups, we use school clubs for wraparound care, and I do any emergency cover for sickness etc... as we have no family support nearby.

I take a week off in the summer holidays and two days off every half term but we spend time as a family and we look forward to it. I plan all my leave for the year ahead of time to cover inset days etc...

I do feel for your husband (and you!) as when they are little, it can be relentless. Your DH clearly feels resentful that he has no downtime, and he's working in a very stressful job. If he's anything like my other half, he's literally on the floor with stress and tiredness these days.

Many posters have already suggested that you use holidays clubs but I appreciate these are not always suitable for v young kiddies?
One pre-arranged day a week in the summer holidays would give your DH some respite to do as he wants (probably work!).

My DH and our daughter have such great bonding time over the holidays and I get so jealous when I have to trot off to the office! This is not a stealth brag, it's meant to reassure you that maybe things will be easier as the kids get older? Does your OH have any other teacher mates with kids? Sometimes I think it can be hard as a male parent on your own to be included in activities with other mums so maybe he needs to build a little social network to hang out with in the holidays too?

Good luck with it all - it's not easy being a teacher, but it's not a walk in the park being a teacher's spouse either!

I'm a teacher and my husband isn't. I spend all of the school holidays looking after the children and I don't give it a second thought! In fact, I feel a bit sorry for him as he's still going to work everyday while we're having fun. Every now and then I book them into a school holiday club for the day but having "me time" doesn't really come into it as we have children - who gets me time when they have young children?! Whenever he has time off we spend it as a family.

Agree with this.

If he wants to have some "me time" then he'll need to pay for childcare and the same with you

Have to say though the first year that my (ex) husband and I had to split all our annual leave to cover childcare for our 3 young children he left after the 2nd week of holiday and we are divorcing 🙄

Turns out him having "me time" was more important to him than our children or our marriage

My husband is a teacher. I am not. Neither of us has child-free annual leave, and neither of us complains about it. We generally try to make sure we each have a bit of time to ourselves all year round. The time will come when the children are older and he will have long school holidays with much more freedom again.

I’m not a teacher but I work zero hours contract jobs so that I have the flexibility to have the school holidays off. It just became to stressful trying to find childcare in the holidays so I quit my regular job and now work around the kids.
I do sometimes send them to a holiday club but generally only 1 week of the summer holidays.

DH is a teacher, we go on holiday for a couple of weeks in the summer and a couple of half terms but when we are home yes he does all the childcare.

Your husband sounds like a bit of an arse who probably thinks childcare should be a woman’s problem.

I was the teacher and DH had a normal job. So I did the holiday childcare but organised for the children to go to holiday childcare around a day a week if I wanted time for me or to get work done.

we both have normal jobs now. School hols are 13 weeks. Statutory minimum annual leave is 5.6 weeks so that’s not too far off half the hols available to each of us.

I am a teacher and DH is not.

I see it as a big perk of my job that I get to have the holidays off with my kids. They have done the odd day at an activity camp and when they were in nursery I used to still put them in one or two days in the holidays and have a day to myself which felt extremely indulgent and luxurious but now they are preteens and so I still feel as if I get time to myself in the holidays as they don't require constant supervision.

Does your dh expect that he should have holidays child free??!

I can see both sides. I am not a teacher and do have family support for childcare but having spent last year on maternity leave it's the first time I've had my kids for over 6 weeks solid, 24/7. Don't get me wrong we had lovely days out and a week away in a caravan but some days were very long, very hard and absolutely exhausting so I can imagine how he feels.
That being said, even though I don't necessarily take all of my annual leave in school holidays, the vast majority is, so I don't really get any days to myself, they're just not all together so maybe doesn't feel as intense

the fact that we don’t generally have to juggle to cover school holidays is something I really appreciate, as the non-teacher parent

Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids.

This implies that you have days off when kids are at school so no children?
If so DH should get the same as you.
Whatever you do it should be equal.

We use holiday club. Not full time, but a day or two a week. It's mostly so that DH can get work done (yes, a teacher that works in the school holidays), but he also uses those days as an opportunity to go out on a long run or similar.

I get your frustration, and I'm the same. I do grudge paying for childcare. But, I try to see his point of view. And anyway the kids enjoy a day of different entertainment and being with their peers!

DH and I are both teachers and we still send the dc to holiday clubs for a day or 2 every holiday to get a break and / or catch up on work etc.

If you’re getting days off without the dc, your dh should too.

Why the fuck is it your problem? If he wants a break during the holidays then he can crack on and book some childcare? Not your job, you're busy working. Are you in charge of childcare organisation during term time too?

When I'm on holiday looking after the kids I sometimes felt guilty as we headed out to the zoo or whatever while DH was at work, because he was missing out.

Female teachers just get on with it, I'm sure your DH can figure it out.

I'm a SAHM and never have a day or night off. Par for the course.

But if a holiday club helps for peace in the relationship, then why not? Just make it come our of the family pot, not your own fun money.

I'm a teacher, DH is not... he never saves holidays for when it's the school hols unless we are actually going away!

It is very frustrating as it means I never get a break!!

So now I put them holiday club for a few days or a week depending on which holiday it is!

My husband also gets two days a week off during the week when the rest of us are at school so I don't even get chance of a break
On a weekend. It does piss me off when he then doesn't run the fucking hoover round.

The only bit that might be unfair is thatyou do have a few days off just for you, if he doesn't have any. The fairest option would be for you to have proportionately the same. So if you have 30 days annual leave and you spend 3 doing what you want then if he has 13 weeks he should get approximately 6-7 days "free" during which you will have to (sharing costs equally) arrange childcare - whether that's paid holiday club or a reciprocal arrangement with another parent.

At the end of the day it would be the same if he was in any other job - you'd both have to use the majority if not all of your annual leave for childcare, and would have to pay more if his salary to cover the rest of it.

Surely all his colleagues with kids are in exactly the same boat, it's not clear why he thinks he's any more hard done by than anyone else. Plus at the end of the day unless you have loads of kids it's a comparatively short section of your working life - by the time they are in secondary they won't need much active supervision/the older might be able to start looking after the younger for short periods so he'll have more freedom to have lie ins, go the the gym for a few hours, do extra work if needs to or whatever.

I’m trying to get my head round this bit

“The fairest option would be for you to have proportionately the same. So if you have 30 days annual leave and you spend 3 doing what you want then if he has 13 weeks he should get approximately 6-7 days "free" during which you will have to (sharing costs equally) arrange childcare”

why is it pro rated to amount of AL? I’m sure you’ve thought it through but I’m not getting it