Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

What is it he's wanting to do that he can't with the DCs?

This is the key question imo.

Who the hell as their 'own' holidays when they have kids. Seriously who? The most you get to wrangle is a weekend away on your own as a parent surely - or if you have amazing grandparents who will have the kids for a week or two during holidays.

I have negotiated more holidays at work so I can cover the vast majority of school holidays. DH has much less annual leave so takes them with us for a bit so we can holiday together or to cover a week or two when I have to work. The rest of the time it's me, myself and I with the kids. I often take them on holiday by myself so I get to make the most of the time off and don't end up just sitting at home. I then compensate by asking DH to let me have a bit of a break one weekend so I can recover from my single parent holiday;)

So no sympathy for your DH here at all. He can make the school holidays fun for himself & the kids and then rest at the weekends when you can take over.

Oh and I also cover most mornings and afternoons during school times because I work 9 am until 3 pm.

This sums it up.

It might help the DH to remember that he will be getting much more time during the school holidays when the OP is also off, compared to non teachers. So in that way he will get more downtime. Many working parents have to tag team it so that the time spent altogether as a family is minimal and the time when one parent has sole charge of the kids is maxed out.

As a female teacher, I think it has just been a ‘given’ that Mum Will have them in the holidays. There’s never been any issues. But some of the comments here implying he has to get used to it aren’t very helpful if this is causing tension in your marriage.

Teaching is particularly hard work mentally and so I do agree that your partner will need the odd day here and there for himself to recover, before going back to it. If it means taking the hit in booking clubs etc, I’d do it for sure. He works hard, there’s very little down time (just to check emails, make a cuppa) at all during the school day, or speak to many adults. He deserves his rest too and if it reduces tension… win win

Not sure if anyone else has already mentioned this but before the hols maybe see if any TA or teachers from the same or another local school with no kids might want some cash in hand to do a few hours or 2 days a week with kids during the hols. Maybe take a day off and do suprise couple day out on one ot the days. Some TA really need the money in hols so you will be surprised how many are up for it.

It’s a difficult one. My partner and I although not teachers sorted out work schedules out so that we wouldn’t need childcare. It’s worked out so when I’m not at work I have our son alone every day until he goes to bed. It is extremely draining and tiring as I get no days off.
This means my partner does need to use his annual leave so I can get a break. So when he takes annual leave we share the childcare activities. It’s just the norm now that we just use our annual leave to give each other a break.

Teaching is particularly hard work mentally and so I do agree that your partner will need the odd day here and there for himself to recover

Most people benefit from time to themselves. I don't think teaching in particular results in a need to recover, it's more a case of it being nice and beneficial to have a day to do something for yourself. Many, many people never get a single day to themselves yet continue to hold down mentally challenging jobs.

I work in a school. My time off is obviously always with our children. I've never thought of it as unfair, I love my kids and love our time together and look forward to time off together. That's just part of being a parent

But then I am really baffled by comments like “looking after my kids in the holidays is just swapping one job for another” and “my job is so much easier than looking after my kids” - I only put up with all the stuff I hate about my job because it gives me more time with my kids…

It was me who said my job is easier than looking after my kids. I'm not sure what's so baffling about it. My kids are young with a small age gap, it's challenging and stressful, particularly if doing it alone. It doesn't change how much I love them or how much I value my family time. I'm glad you and others find parenting easy, I honestly wish I did.

There are numerous threads on here from mothers with small children (often doing the lions share of childcare) struggling to cope. Perhaps OPs husband if finding it hard. I'm not sure if she's said how old her kids are.

It was me who said my job is easier than looking after my kids. I'm not sure what's so baffling about it. My kids are young with a small age gap, it's challenging and stressful, particularly if doing it alone. It doesn't change how much I love them or how much I value my family time. I'm glad you and others find parenting easy, I honestly wish I did.

Another one here who finds work easier than looking after my kids!!

I never said I found parenting easy - I said I found it easier than my job. Not the same thing at all!

I’m just thinking about how I spend most of Sunday evening in a state of dread about school the next day, and I’m trying to imagine feeling like that on a Friday night too…or how I never sleep at all the night before term starts after one of the holidays, and trying to imagine doing the same thing at the end of term as well. If that’s really how OP’s DH feels then he really does need a break - but then, if his life is that relentlessly difficult, maybe he needs a career change as well? (That would solve his childcare problems too!)

(NB: sorry if the emboldening in the previous post is a bit shouty or annoying - just trying to emphasise that it’s all relative. I don’t think I know anyone who would say parenting was easy!)

Good holy moly people...ragging on people saying job is easy! Here's the thing, the clue is in the title, its MUMSnet, ergo mostly mums...what do mums do? All the little chores at home & life admin stuff that (as a general rule, guys cannot cope with) eg booking all the health appts, doing all the ParentPay, reading ParentMail stuff, picking up everybody's socks from floor for the 19 millionth time that hour, making all tbe beds, constantly tidying various soft furnishings, etc., etc., et-bloominflowers-cetera!! Whether you are a stay-at-home mum, have a job or indeed are a teacher / nurse / any other form of keyworker, public servant, person who serves others for a living, it is hard! It is always hard!! Trust me, I have the caseload of 12000 students & a tyke with ALN to prove it. Lift each other up, support each other - don't bash other mums for daring to say job or tyke(s) its bloominflowers hard!!!!!

In that spirit: dads who are teachers I salute you...guess who's doing mum's job when they're at school? Yep, teachers. Dads who are teachers also have to put up with various other do-gooders telling them how rubbish their pay is (we're keyworkers, we know our pay is pants, hence strikes) & how lucky they are they leave so early / have so much holiday (basically the same do-do women have been putting up with for whole eras).

Be kind to each other, we get one shot at this life.

Just send her to a new local school for y6 - she will make friends, have fun and be ready for y7.

Oops posred in wrong place so makes no sense!

I think your husband is a little disillusioned. There are 13 weeks of school holidays and statutory leave is 4 weeks x 2 parents = 8 weeks. This is a genuine expensive headache for most parents as even when they use all their annual leave they can still be up to 5 weeks short and that’s not taking leave together. The majority of parents don’t get to take annual leave for themselves, they use it for looking after their children. Your family unit is fortunate to not have this issue

Perhaps a compromise would be that on a few of your annual leave days you take the kids solo so he can have a couple of days to himself as you do, making this equal time to yourself. Personally I’d love to be able to spend 13 weeks with my DD

Do you get holidays alone op when the dc are at school?

He has to remember whilst he gets 13 weeks off, you only get 5(if you're lucky). I'm sure all your holidays are taken up with holidays with your dh and the kids, or days off with the dc for whatever reason.

The joy of being a teacher is that you can avoid childcare costs. But it does mean that your holidays are taken up looking after the dc. But if he wasn't a teacher and did something else his holidays would be taken up with...... yep, spending time with the kids, he'd just do it for 5 weeks a year and not 13

Your husband is completely unrealistic.

It always seems to be the pattern on here, female teachers with non teacher husbands: partners look after their kids all holidays without question- even tend to say “I’m lucky I get to be off with the kids all summer - lots of nice time together, don’t have to worry about sorting complicated/ expensive childcare etc”

Whereas when the man is the teacher it’s all “oh my holidays aren’t my own, I don’t get a break, this time is for me to decompress” etc. Just staggering double standards.

And of course these men seem to think it’s for their female partner / wife to sort said childcare whilst they have their decompressing time to themselves…

In answer to your specific question, I think it’s fine for HIM to sort some childcare for the odd day to get a bit of a break - lots of holiday clubs do daily bookings which aren’t too expensive. But not weeks on end, as that’s the whole point of him being off! And he needs to find and organise it, not you.

Those few days being equal to the sort of time I imagine from your Op that you get to have off without the kids - one or two days a year if you’re anything like me and my annual leave!

Very, very accurate from male/female teacher scenarios I've seen. And depressing as hell that this is still the dominating scenario.

In some ways though I think the lesson to draw from this is that women need to get better at looking after themselves and getting some of that decompression time

There's page after page in this thread of women saying things like "me time is over when you have a child" "I haven't had a day off to myself for 20 years" which is ridiculous really - unless it is totally unaffordable there's no reason why we have to martyr ourselves. I think with young children it would be relentless to only either be at work or looking after them. I am a woman and carve out a few days a year. Which yes means my kids are in a few days of extra holiday childcare.

I think that’s right, and I agree it’s fine for

1. teachers to book a bit of holiday club in the hols to allow for that
2. non teachers to have some of their annual during term time (or whilst kids are in holiday club, though I don’t know why you’d choose that)

But should be similar between men and women, and to be sensible it’s only realistic for it to be the odd day, unless you’re very rich and don’t want to spend time with your kids (!)

It’s the double standard that annoys me.

(For disclosure, I’m a single parent, not a teacher, and my ex isn’t a teacher - just commenting as an outsider!)

I agree. But the OP here never really clarified whether her DH was looking for a few days or weeks and weeks.

I am a non teacher, I take my solo days in termtime but it does mean my kids then need extra holiday club days than they would if I saved it all for school holidays.

I haven’t taken a single day to myself during the current a/l year but will do next year

I am a woman and carve out a few days a year. Which yes means my kids are in a few days of extra holiday childcare.

I don't think I'm being a martyr but I just couldn't justify putting my son into MORE childcare when it already felt like too much. When they've had after school care during term time and then weeks of kids clubs or sports camps I don't think I'd enjoy taking a day to myself. It wasn't his fault I'm a lone parent working full time.

I still am, but he's 14 now.