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School holidays

Find half term and school holiday activity ideas.

Original poster

Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

429 replies

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 23/02/2023 09:25

his holidays are never 'his own'

Your life is ‘never your own’ once you have kids!

I am the teacher and DH is the non-teacher. I have always been off with the kids-that’s just the way it is. What does he want to happen??

On the flip side, I never had time off with the kids when ill as DH could take annual leave/WFH so that was always his job.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 09:26

I think the occasional day off to do something fun may be the sore spot. I do think it’s reasonable for your DH to have that as well.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/02/2023 09:27

Dh does all the childcare during school holidays. It's always been that way. I also used to work shifts when we had one dc so he did a lot of childminder collections and Saturdays during term time too.

I'm off for maybe a third of all the school holidays, so we tag team then. Otherwise tough - it's just part and parcel of having kids. Plenty of women work as TAs and do all the childcare during the school holidays and no one says they shouldn't.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/02/2023 09:30

Of course I did the school holidays. Huge perk of the job! DH did anything that happened in school time. Perk of his job that he had that flexibility. Between us we had it covered.

libertyfabric · 23/02/2023 09:36

BelfastSmile · 23/02/2023 09:12

I'm a non-teacher married to a teacher. Yes, DH has the kids all summer, Easter and Christmas, and at half term, but that's just how it is. I keep my holidays for the odd days that they're off and he isn't, so I never get time off to myself - on the other hand he has a few days here and there where he's off and the kids are in school, so he actually gets a few child-free days each year.

We both accept that that's just how it is at the moment.

This. My husband is a teacher in a different LA than our children go to school. He therefore has the odd few days/week when the days don't match up and I take annual leave to cover these (I'm part-time anyway). I also cover his in-service days.

DH spending his annual leave with our children has been our life for 16 years now and I don't think DH resents it. As so many people have said, your holidays/life stop becoming your own when you have children! I'd be a bit cross at this attitude tbh, he'll get the annual leave time back when they are teens or leave home.

Although the lack of holiday childcare required is a huge benefit to parenting with a teacher, as a non-teacher with a flexible job, I pick up ALL the medical appointments, sick days, open classroom events, running to school with forgotten lunches etc as DH is in front of a class 30 miles away. He benefits from not having to do any of this crappy stuff!

redteapot · 23/02/2023 09:37

I'm a teacher and I get where your DH is coming from. It's not that he shouldn't be doing the holiday childcare, just that he probably would like a bit of a break sometimes (as I'm sure you would too!).
If you haven't got much family support (we are in the same position) and if a day in holiday club doesn't work for you or the kids, could you tag team it on weekends every now and then so that one of you takes them out and the other can have a few hours on their own in the house to chill? (And actually chill, not catch up on jobs, etc.)

Nimbostratus100 · 23/02/2023 09:37

I'd go as far as saying that being available for your children during school holidays is the MAIN driver for recruitment and retention into teaching or TAing

I once taught at a school that shifted the term dates out of alignment with other local schools, and lost so many staff that the only option they had was to set of free childcare on site for staff were were required to be in work while their children were off - this started on term after the shift, when they had so many resignations at Christmas. The following year, they shifted back into alignment with local schools

Mumof1andacat · 23/02/2023 09:38

Do you not book any leave during the holidays?

Meadowfly · 23/02/2023 09:39

I also try do all the cooking, shopping, housework during the hols so dh gets some benefit too, he does more in term time as I’m so busy.

CottonSock · 23/02/2023 09:40

So he wants many weeks a year to just do his own thing... he'll have to wait until the kids are older.

EL8888 · 23/02/2023 09:42

Is your annual leave spent on yourself or on childcare? Instinct tells me it’s probably the latter so he needs to stop moaning. He sounds rather entitled

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/02/2023 09:44

I think it’s normal for parents working term time only to cover school holidays, I’m a teacher and it’s what all my friends do. However, If you are taking some days of annual leave for fun he should have an equal amount. This should be covered by either a holiday club or by you sometimes taking annual leave during holidays. It wouldn’t be fair to assume that just because he covers childcare in the holidays you never need to and can take all your annual leave outside of them to do what you like.

tweetypi · 23/02/2023 09:45

I'm a teacher and do all holiday childcare. DH uses his holiday to cover inset days/any school holidays that fall differently and then the remainder of the time he takes off during the school holidays so that we get time as a family. My DC are young, one in nursery, one just started at school.
We'd give each other a couple of days break over the summer too - I might go for a day out with a friend then. Generally I have been careful to build friendships with others in a similar position to me so have several friends with children of a similar age to meet up with - I think this is what makes the difference. So I can take the DC to soft play but also use the time to have coffee and cake with a friend (rather than sitting there by myself bring on parent duty).

BoattoBolivia · 23/02/2023 09:45

I'm a teacher and my partner isn't. When the kids were younger the deal was always that he covered any term time needs, as his work was more flexible, and I covered the holidays. He could then work any extra hours needed to catch up on his flexitime. When they were tiny, they did one day a week in the holidays with the childminder, so I could get some planning done. It's just what you do as a parent 🤷

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2023 09:47

Each parent covers childcare according to their allocated time off, don’t they? If you use all your annual leave on childcare too, then that’s ‘fair’. But you could take a few days when it’s you in charge and he goes off somewhere/does his thing - that sounds reasonable.

What do weekends look like? What is everyone’s responsibility in term time / do you pick up more slack then? Etc.

It’s all a juggle and a balancing act when you have kids.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/02/2023 09:48

Beezknees · 23/02/2023 09:09

I'm a lone parent and I haven't had any annual leave of "my own" for 15 years!

I was also a single parent teacher and relished being able to spend more time with my own child. Yes, I had work to do but I could do it while DD was in the house. OP'S DH needs to get over himself.

FASDE1517 · 23/02/2023 09:48

I'm a teacher which obviously comes with very long hours. My husband (and breakfast club and after school club) pick up the term time slack and i cover all the holidays.
Mine are old enough to go to sports camps for a few hours a couple of times each holiday, because they really want to go, they do that and I catch up on my school work.

My husband usually saves his holiday for a few days over some of the school breaks and if our inset days don't align he takes a day off then.

TheMoth · 23/02/2023 09:51

I'm the teacher here. I did dread the holidays when dc were little. It felt like there was never any down time and it made working during holidays a fucking nightmare. I know there are teachers who don't work during the holidays, but I've never found a way not to. Especially as an English teacher with lots of curriculum changes over the years etc. I also used to struggle massively with the shift from teenagers to toddlers and the sheer fucking boredom of it all.

Anyway.

Early years weren't too bad. It's when their holidays are different to yours that the problems start. My kids ended up going pretty much anywhere and everywhere until they were old enough to stay home alone.

Currently writing this at half term. My dc are not up yet. When they are, they will not need me. I could only dream of this when they were small.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/02/2023 09:52

When l was a teacher, l loved the holidays because l spent time with my dc.

I did have to work a lot though and they were in childcare a lot.

Mine are grown now, but those golden summers are the best memories ever.

Abouttimemum · 23/02/2023 09:52

Literally all of mine and DH’s annual leave will be spent looking after our son in the school holidays. All of it. Plus we’ll have to take unpaid parental leave as well. I wish one of us was a teacher so we didn’t have to worry about childcare!

The best thing we can do is create time for each other while we’re both off, on weekends etc

SoManyCreepyBears · 23/02/2023 09:55

Teacher here. No family support and two children.

My job is full on and at times can be all encompassing. I often feel that the ones I teach get the best of me and my own get the exhausted stressed and snappy one.

In the school holidays I will work once they’re in bed. There’s no way round it- the volume of work is such that it always comes home. In the days it’s lovely to hang out, go for walks/ trips etc. There’s usually a tonne of cleaning to do as well.

DH gets three weeks a year so obviously the majority of the holiday childcare falls on me.

I have to book them into something for a day a week so I can have a few hours off. In those hours I will go to the dentist, get my hair cut etc.

Without taking that time I would be at serious risk of complete burnout. I completely understand your husband’s point of view.

SoonBeTeaTime · 23/02/2023 09:58

I'm married to a teacher, we have 3 young children. When my husband is on school hols (and I'm working) he spends time with his kids, takes them on fun days out etc, because you know they are his kids and we had them together. He doesnt take holidays from the kids, that's bizarre. Why doesn't your husband want to spent time with his children? I take holidays during school holidays so we can have family days out together and spend time together, I don't take holidays to look after my children so my husband can piss about having his precious holidays. What a weird way to think about children and family life. I can't actually believe you think you should "cover" half the hols, what would he do whilst you took the time off? Play golf, piss about on a games console? Doesn't sound like you are a family, sounds more like a divorced family scrapping over who covers school holidays.

Sugargliderwombat · 23/02/2023 10:00

I am a teacher and we will be doing term time only childcare, its bizarre he expects otherwise- surely whenever you have children you know your holidays will be with them ?

DrMadelineMaxwell · 23/02/2023 10:02

God this reminds me of going back to work in Sept and being asked by a colleague whether I had to spend the holidays babysitting my girls.
No, I would tell him. But I have had a lovely 6 week holiday off with my girls.

DH had to take days off to cover training days and then could choose when to take his other days and usually we would have a week in aug off together.

I did see red the year he chose not to take any annual leave in the summer holidays and instead book the first week in September off after I hadnt had a day to myself in all that time. Words were had.

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/02/2023 10:02

The female teachers I know do all the school holiday childcare

The male teachers I know get their family or partner to do at least one or two weeks a year because they need "me time"

To be fair, I personally would find it miserable to never have a day off where I wasn't looking after the kids - we aim to reserve 4-5 days a year of annual leave to do things on our own or "date days" because we have no family support and otherwise it gets a bit relentless. It does mean we spend more on holiday clubs but there we are.

I would look at your budget, see what you can afford and try to both have some days off without the kids