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School holidays

Find half term and school holiday activity ideas.

Original poster

Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

429 replies

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

OP posts:
BridieConvert · 23/02/2023 14:02

I work term time, my husband works a year round 9-5. My DD's are still young (eldest will be 3 in March and youngest is currently 5mo) but eldest will be starting term time nursery when I return to work in august so I will do all childcare in the holidays. MIL is also term time and absolutely dotes on her granddaughters so she will definitely be about as well thankfully which is a big help, DH takes 2 weeks of the school holidays in the summer, 1 week at Easter, 1 week in October then has the Christmas bank holidays off

Looneytune253 · 23/02/2023 17:01

I think an important consideration is when do you take your hols? If it's during the hols and you do your fair share then he needs to just crack on and be a parent. If you take yours when the kids are at school and have a relaxing time then he may have a point.

sunshineandshowers40 · 23/02/2023 17:07

This seems to be more of an issue when the man is a teacher. When I used to teach, I had our DC in the holidays, they did the odd day at a club (but that was usually 1-2 DC so I usually had the youngest with me).

SquashesPumpkinsAutumnBliss · 23/02/2023 17:13

So he wants many weeks on his own with no work or childcare?

so for your 5 weeks annual leave, you also will be on your own with no childcare?

poor children if that is DH’s attitude.

Andrea87 · 23/02/2023 17:47

I used to teach when my children were young and loved having holidays at the same time as them and spending time together.
Isn’t spending time with our children one of the reasons why we become parents?

AnnaA89 · 23/02/2023 18:14

@TheThinWhiteDutchess I grew up in this kind of household. I’m 33 now. My mum was a teacher and my dad in an office. He’d leave around 8 and be home between 6 and 7 in the evenings. Mum did ALL the childcare in the holidays. Dad was busy doing up the house/garden at the weekends unless mum could convince him to come with us for a family day out etc. inset days we went to my grandma’s house. Other than that? Mum. She did it all. Nightmare for me in year 6 when she was my teacher. No escaping mum ever!

Pinkbananas01 · 23/02/2023 18:14

I'm not a teacher but DH job means he is unable to take time over school hols apart from 10days for family holiday. I have to work around kids rest of year & cover multiple appointments for them & any sick time. He needs to suck it up im afraid this is parenting, booking kids clubs for a few days is his responsibility to sort out if he wants days to himself .
I never managed to get my 3 in anything at the same time due to age differences so always had at least 1 kid at home

Random102 · 23/02/2023 18:18

I’m a teacher, my husband is not.

He has never once used his annual leave to help me out with the kids in the school holidays. He uses it for our family holidays away and odd days for hobbies/social events.

I use his money to book the kids into holiday clubs so I can get a break!

niugboo · 23/02/2023 18:19

I work in a school. Husband doesn’t.

I basically do the child care over holidays but we also both pencil in leave of our own. He takes 5 days a year just for him. And another 5 days during the holiday so I can do the same sort of thing.

RunTowardsTheLight · 23/02/2023 18:22

I'd support him having a few days of child free holiday per year, but only if you get the same too.

Owl55 · 23/02/2023 18:22

What about the poor Grandparents who often help with childcare through the week AND holidays?

allsogreen · 23/02/2023 18:23

My Dh is a teacher, I am not. We have 5 children, although all older now and only 2 remaining at home. He has always had them in the holidays. When they were younger I worked part time, and would use some A/l over holidays so some days we were at home together with dc. I usually covered inset days or if holidays were different as he couldnt take time off in his term time. We had no family at all nearby. Occassionally we sent one or two of the dc to a club for one or 2 days over various holidays, but more becasue it was something they wanted to do . My youngest is now 14 (oldest is 24) I actually had a days A/L on Tuesday and think it was the first A/L day I have had in about 24 yeas where dc were at school and I could have a day just to myself! Thats just how it is when you have dc in my view.

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/02/2023 18:26

Owl55 · 23/02/2023 18:22

What about the poor Grandparents who often help with childcare through the week AND holidays?

The OP says they don't have much family support.

My kids grandparents don't do any childcare.

TheOrigRights · 23/02/2023 18:32

I know you're asking for experience of couple's in similar situations, but I had a read anyway.

The things which jump out at me from your OP are:

end up doing childcare during the holidays

You view childcare as a chore, something you'd rather not do.

his holidays are never 'his own'.

Most working parents don't get holidays to do their own thing.

Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids.

Again, most working parents don't get days off to do something for themselves.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple

Why? I know much of the school holiday is spent on school prep but that work should be more flexible during school holidays, or at least be in the home.
What are you both doing that leaves you no time as a couple?

PetitPorpoise · 23/02/2023 18:35

I am the teacher in our relationship. It works because my husband works shifts over 7 days, so sometimes I work all week and then have the children on my own all weekend too, but he has had a quiet couple of days in the week. When his days off fall on a weekend, he does try to get them all out of the house for a bit, or keep them amused so that I can have some time to myself, and I do the same for him. He does appreciate that I bring a lot of work home, whereas when he is home, he's home.

Do you try to take your AL during school holidays too so that you share the childcare? I think i'd be a bit resentful if my husband's annual leave was all in term time and he had days and days of being home alone on top of his mid week rest days.

TheOrigRights · 23/02/2023 18:39

I think i'd be a bit resentful if my husband's annual leave was all in term time and he had days and days of being home alone on top of his mid week rest days.

OP says "the vast majority of my days off are with the kids."

So I don't think it's days and days.

Whatafliberty · 23/02/2023 18:42

Just because he is a teacher doesn't mean that he should also have a break from his own children.
No one else does.

Angelil · 23/02/2023 18:44

I am a teacher and my husband is not. During the school holidays I sometimes take my son to stay with his grandparents (my parents) as we live abroad/away from family. So we pay for our travel but we don’t pay accommodation or food when we get there. So it’s a holiday of sorts for me too as I am handling childcare but my parents help and I still get a change of scenery. If we stay home then holiday clubs are the answer, yes. Teaching is exhausting and the rest is sorely needed. Without help from family it is very hard indeed. Even just being able to go to the gym in the holidays makes such a difference to mental and physical health, so would there be any half-day holiday activities available where you are? Or just 2-3 full days (i.e. not a full week if that’s too much financially)?

You have said it yourself: you have the occasional day off to do something fun. It sounds like your husband never gets that.

You say about co-parenting in parallel as if this is a bad thing but actually it could also be a way for each of you to get some more ‘you’ time. At weekends I take our 4yo out in the morning. We come back and have lunch all together as a family, and then my husband takes our son out in the afternoon. While each of us is at home on our own there are chores to do of course but we also get a chance to watch a bit of TV or read the newspaper. When the others come back we each individually feel a bit more recharged and refreshed. Could that be an option for you? Not every single weekend has to be a full-on family day all day long.

In terms of time together as a couple we perhaps don’t get loads of that as our son doesn’t usually sleep until about 8.30 at night! But we still get a good hour and a half at least where we can watch a bit of TV together and have a chat. So maybe even just a little is better than nothing (how much ‘couple time’ do you get currently?). Admittedly we perhaps cope better with this as we were in a long-distance relationship for 3.5 years previously and have also had a couple of other periods of 3-4 months where we have been back and forth/had to live apart for work reasons. So try to work out what you get now, what you would ideally like, and what would be a realistic compromise.

Grrrrdarling · 23/02/2023 18:44

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

Your DH is being pretty unreasonable & shouldn’t even be stressing you out about this.
If he needs ‘time to himself’ when he is off work & the main cater for the children at that time he needs to sort alternative childcare for the kids as he knows what times he needs to himself.

If you were both teachers this would work brilliantly because you would, hopefully, both have the same dates off but if that was the case i would expect that he would just expect you to be the main carer of the children while he did as he pleased & parented when he felt like it.

At the end of the day this is your family life, his job works best for doing the majority of the holidays childcare & this is the way it is.

There are clubs & activities available to lots of children outside of school time but, like you say, they cost money.
maybe see what is going on in your area for the kids during summer holidays & half terms etc then have a chat with your husband to see what you can afford, what sort of time & care would help him while he is the main carer & let him sort that out so it works for him & the kids.

Poppingmad123 · 23/02/2023 18:49

Regardless of profession, when both parents work, you have to juggle your holiday allowances to make them last around the kids school holidays. That’s just a fact of life.

Sounds like your partner is craving some time out which I can understand but I don’t get why you “need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club”. Surely he can arrange this himself? That’s what holiday clubs are there for.

Unless you have problems affording holiday clubs or your children have some special needs, this really should be a non-issue and not something to stress over.

PetitPorpoise · 23/02/2023 18:51

@TheOrigRights she said 'days off', not annual leave. Most of her days off will be weekends because she works Mon-Fri, as does her husband. It could be that she is able to take odd days or long weekends for when her husband can't.

surreygirl1987 · 23/02/2023 19:07

This is part of the reason why nu husband career changed and became a teacher (I already was one). Makes it so much easier for both of us, and removes any tension.

Overthebloodymoon · 23/02/2023 19:07

Posted earlier, but the saddest part of this for me, on reflection, is that he actively doesn’t want to spend time with his own DCs. What a sorry state of affairs!

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/02/2023 19:13

Overthebloodymoon · 23/02/2023 19:07

Posted earlier, but the saddest part of this for me, on reflection, is that he actively doesn’t want to spend time with his own DCs. What a sorry state of affairs!

Oh come on, the OP did not say he didn't want any time with his kids, just that he also wants a bit of a break.

Most working parents do get some time out - whether that's through annual leave or through grandparents helping at the weekend. I know not everyone does but I don't think it's the norm to literally be either working or looking after your kids 100% of the time.

Forgottenpeeves · 23/02/2023 19:15

I'm a teacher and DH isn't. I do bulk of childcare but he takes all his annual leave during school holidays so we're together. He'd never take time off during term time as he likes to spend it with us.