DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Screenshot your message here and send it to him. The biggest glaring issue is that he doesn't see what you do as labour because you're doing it for free. The audacity! Especially as he's away. Rude.

Are all your under 7s in full time primary school? There's a huge difference between being a SAHM with a child/children with you all the time and having 6 hours while they're in school.

Once they're all in school, it is much easier to have a part time job. If you want it. It sounds like financially it's not required.

The community thing you do, is that something that your children go to as well or is it something you can do at home while they're with you? I guessed you were making food for a charity kitchen or something but who knows. Whatever, I know some people have said to stop the volunteering but I wouldn't. Yes, it takes up time and energy but I think it's important that it gives you some self worth, keeps you connected with your community in what sounds like quite isolating circumstances, and is good for your children to see you doing something that isn't solely in service of them.

OP specifically states in her opening post 3 children under 7.

edit: this was to @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease

When can you schedule a night away so ‘he can catch up with quality time with his children’, and you can have a little respite? I doubt your DH will be able to understand everything you do until he has experienced a taste for himself. .

it's not easy for the OP to have a part-time job if she's being called to the school constantly though. No employer will be okay with that.
I always thought I'd be back to work at least part time by now but my SEN child can only cope with 3 hours a day and I can't get a job that fits in with that.

OP do you love your husband?
What does he bring to the table and to you? Sorry to be so blunt but how can you be with a man who has no regard and respect for you.

I think it looks as though you're a single parent and I'd be getting used to that tag. Your DH working away and hardly being there for the family is such a big NO unless he is completely funding you and to now add to your stress and say you have to get a job... He's a class 1 cunt. Sorry.

I'd have a big think about the marriage.
You'd do well from the divorce.
You do everything as it is.... You'd get the house and money in the bank.
Look for community ND support.
Citizens advice can help you with that.

Yes, I do have a job. It 24/7, seven days a week, non-stop.

What a nasty thing to say.

Exactly what I was going to say!
You need the outside contact of your community project. Do not give that up, whatever happens, or you will be really stuck in the house all the time and even more overwhelmed.

I would organise a cleaner for the home, which would also give you someone else to talk to during the week, even if it's just basic pleasantries.

Working when a child has SEN is a whole mix of variables.

You have the type of SEN and how it presents and the capacity for the child to access child care.

The mood of the school. As in some will work hard to do meetings with notice at convenient times, others are very reactionary and you are called in with zero notice at 11am. Different schools also cope with sen differently, so some do a much better job.

The finally your employer and how flexible they are. Its often easier if you have earned your stripes pre difficulties, than walking in somewhere new.

Its clearly very achievable for some and not others so comparisons are challenging

Volunteering, community, etc are largely luxuries that we do when we can. It seems like right now you just can’t.

I don’t understand why you went on to have not one, not two, but three children when you already knew what his input and job were like, but that’s your choice.

If you’re overwhelmed the only solution is to get more help on board. The NT children will get used to it, you can’t placate every other meltdown for not having you around. They need to learn to live with it, like many children.

What a tone deaf bellend. You’re a carer to your high needs child. That is a fucking job. Plus you have 2 other kids and no help from anyone. As others have said, if you’re not already please do look into DLA for your son. If he gets higher rate care element you should be able to claim carers allowance too. It’s not much but it does pay your NI. He seems to think you’ve got a sweet deal because “you don’t have a job”. But sounds like his set up is far better- time to himself outside of work hours but with hardly any parenting to do as he’s not around and you’re doing it all.

Not surprised he’s upset you so much.

DH isn't around at the weekend. He works abroad, so is only home a few times a year.

Leave him for a few days to manage the children - turn your phone off and book yourself into a spa - when you get home
ask him if he enjoyed his days “off” as it’s so clearly a doddle!

Tbh, you have 5 hours a day, no kids 2 with you, that’s 25 hours free time a week, even if you cleaned/did housework every day for 1-2 hours, that would still leave you with 15-20 hours free time, so yes, difficult to see why you think you’re busy all the time.Maybe start a side hustle in these 20 hours to get some more money coming in?

You ask him to come home for a week. Then you go away and leave him to it managing the 3 kids and house for the whole week. Then when you come back you tell him that’s what it’s like 52 weeks of the year for you. You don’t get holiday time off. You don’t get any time to yourself and no you can’t get a job unless he comes home and finds a job in the uk to help at home

You're living the life of a single parent. So you may as well divorce.

He's literally based in another country.

If you split he will have to give you money, but I'll bet when it comes to custody I bet he won't even be bothered to have them once a month.

He doesn't do parenting. He is is never there. He is unsupportive in every way.

What is the actual point of him?

Poster seems to have a problem reading the OP's posts.

So you have 5 hours a day x 5 days a week free?
So that’s 25 hours free to yourself every single week?

Sorry OP but that’s loads of free time and I’m not sure why you are so behind with things?
What sort of things are you struggling with?

As a single parent working FT (and studying) I only have evenings and weekends to do everything.
Life would be easy if I had 5 hours a day to get things done.

I think you need to sort yourself out so that you are keeping on top of things - DH will be much less resentful if you’re getting things done.
You should not feel overwhelmed if you’re not working.

I think you’ll actually enjoy getting a job (it sounds like you may be a bit depressed as you have little purpose in life or things that are for yourself) but it may have to be a future thing and you can use this time to decide what career you want etc.

What you do need to do is have this conversation with DH and discuss how it’s going to work.
When you get a job, you cannot keep having time off if the kids are poorly and it will need to be shared - how is this going to work with his job.

The weekends he needs to be doing a lot more!
Parenting and cooking etc should all be 50/50.

Say to him, 'If I don't have a job, then you won't find it hard work at all to look after DC for the weekend' and leave for two days. Point out that you are not paid for the job you do, but that is very different from not haviong a job. He needs to respect that, pull his weight and share the load.

I came so bloody close to leaving DH because of his clueless attitude and self-congratulatory attitude at being heoric enough to mind the children for a couple of hours. But I just hammered it in to him and stopped doing a lot of the work, so he had to. Then he got it. Took years. But he got it, and has been a pretty perfect hsband and father ever since.

never ever put up with this shite from men. Call it out every time,. No need to row about it, or beg them to see your point of view. Just side step so they have to do the work. Then have a friendly little chat about it once they have actually walked a few miles in your shoes.

@Wellthisisdifficult
Interesting concept. Let’s look at dad though

he works during the day then once finished he has all his evening free. No kids to look after feed wash bedtime duties up during the night. No housework no shopping for food. No kids activities runs no school runs he can do what he wants when he wants

maybe just maybe as she is running then house and family in her own she needs some of those hours to recharge. Just as he does every single day

I completely agree and I would take his lifestyle over hers any day - but I’m struggling to see how she is overwhelmed and behind when she has 25 hours free every week to get the cleaning etc done when most people do this whilst working FT.

He does not appreciate her and he has a lovely life - but she isn’t hard done by.
The bills are paid and she isn’t stressed about money and has 3 kids in school where she has 25 hours free to do whatever she wants.

You can’t do this with you have a SEN child with very high care needs that is never apart from you. If I took off and left my DC with a parent they rarely see my DC would be (justifiably) confused and upset. That would translate into all manner of negative behaviours and also create further issues regarding insecure attachment to mum.

i absolutely agree. You need to prioritize yourself, the family and the home. The community will always be there and you could go back once you have your feet under you. Use the time while they’re at school to sort out the house, meal plan and prep and take a little self care time. I’m in a similar position with my husband. We have 2 young children and he works away a lot. I don’t have any help since we live abroad but you have to put yourself and your family first. 5 hours a day while they’re at school 5 days per week is actually a lot of time if you manage your time well.

Would a live in Nanny be helpful as that would ease your burden.

She isnt overwhelmed by the cleaning.

She is overwhelmed and not tackling the cleaning is a by product.

She is recovering from a nervous breakdown after a traumatic situstion with a childminder and then moved into fealing with child with autism.

Dealing with a meltdown is draining.some of my sons lasted 3 hours I used to sit and cry sometimes in my free time as i was actually terrified of the meltdowns and what was happening to my child, would he live independently, Why was he so distressed, were my other chikdren safe whilst it was happening. So no the cleaning didnt get done despite there being time to do it as I was recovering.

My husband actually had a nervous breakdown from the stress of the ehcp process. He couldn't even make a sandwich at that time. His nervous system was shot. I did everything. He was signed off sick and just stared into space.

If you worked at a nursery, the max you'd have is 3 kids to one adult ratio and if one was autistic there would probably be extra resource. So you are effectively working full time...no, 24 hours a day almost 7 days a week as a nursery worker. You are also a cleaner, a PA...what else? So DH is right. You don't have A job. You are probably working 3-4 of his jobs and earning nothing. Genuine jobs, by the way, that are careers and salaries for hard working people.

He needs to wake up and you need to recognise your worth and contribution, he owes you big time.