DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Personally, I’d get a part time job and ensure your DH knows that this means he picks up the slack when he’s home. That way you have some more financial independence and it may do you good to do something for you rather than be at the beck and call of the family. This means that you also get a weekend lie in (you should anyway!) but your DH also does the clubs run around, cleaning, cooking, food shopping when he’s home.

I agree .

Next time he’s home if walk straight out the door .
Op you would be better looking at ending this relationship .
Look into your finances if you were on your own . Where would you like (the rental ) how much equity on the home just now if you sold and what he would need to pay for the kids.

You bringing up the children alone and now he wants to put more pressure on you.
Do you not have access to any of the salary he brings home ? @TeaDoesntSolveEverything

As it seems he's not home that much at all, what mundane jobs do you suggest she hands over?

I agree with this. I’d have to get a part time job for my own sanity and independence. I think it really helps with one’s mental health going out and meeting people and having adult conversation at work.

Are any of your children autistic?

It is a real pressure but this family do also have a rental income luckily.

The way to tackle is also not to imply your partner doesnt do much, but to sit down and say I am cracking under the pressure of being a sole earner, you are frazzled being the sole carer - how can we both work together to change this? He seems (from this) to want her to relieve his pressures without wanting to acknowledge hers even exist

I suspect he might have to consider living in the same country as his children as a step to make to share caring and earning more equally.

It is a real pressure but this family do also have a rental income luckily.

Which doesn’t pay the bills.

How often does he come home? He seems to have basically checked out of having a family. He’s lucky you’re still holding it together.

DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years.

Just sayin'...

The issue of "you dont have a job", you do have a job its just that when a mother does this "job" it isn't paid and its taken for granted.
If your husband had to pay the going rate for a childminder for 3 children ,i who is autistic,cleaner,house keeper for cooking,washing ,shopping and cleaning,taxi service he'd realise what you do is work of value. You also seem do be doing voluntary work for others helping the community 1.5 days per week,again unpaid work.
I think the issue of overwhelm for you from never having any respite or support with work that is not valued is the main issue.
Could you be better organised in daily routines,could you get any support eg:from other mums? Do you have anyone to talk to about how you feel?

Ignorance. Childcare is work, cooking is work, cleaning is work, household management is work, supporting someone with special needs is work.

OP does all of the above, with zero days off - and still inadequate sleep due to her SEN child.

Well if a small additional income makes zero difference to stress levels at all, its even more reason to follow the advice of pulling together to both look at ways to share caring and earning more equally for mutual benefit, rather than sit abroad and say ' you can probably fit a job in too' but im not changing anything.

The quid pro quo for a partner working away so much must surely be a very decent salary, otherwise what’s the point? If he earns good money then start delegating tasks to various paid help. A cleaner, an ironer, potentially a childminder or nanny one day a week.

Sounds like the two of you need to reassess your situation.

When you both decided to have three children whilst living in different countries, you can't have known one of them would be disabled. But now you do. And it doesn't sound like your life as it currently stands is working for you.

Can your husband come home/ work part time and you also work part time?

Can you move house closer to the school to make your life easier?

Sounds like you also don't have joint finances. He pays the bills but you have a separate income for your own expenses. That doesn't seem fair. But it also sounds like he doesn't really earn enough for the sacrifices involved in him living in another country.

If you're struggling to cope and he's feeling the pressure of being the sole earner, you both need to work out how to improve your situation (which might involve changing some things you're both intractable about like his job and where you live).

As other posters have said: Get a cleaner to do the mundane stuff, a regular childminder for occasional evenings so the children know them and you are able to do some sort of hobby outside the home. Do not give up the community stuff otherwise, as you know, you will be stuck doing things only with your children and no adult friendships.

If you don't look after your own wellbeing then you will suffer the most disastrous breakdown.

OP, make a list of everything you do every day, and what it would cost your husband if you weren’t there, and show him. He should be putting his hand in his pocket wherever he can to contribute to the household, e.g. paying for a cleaner.

It also sounds like if you could just get either drop offs or pick ups done, you would have a bit extra time. I know you have trust issues from childminders, but your kids are older now and hundreds of thousands of kids go to childminders without issue every day. If you could get someone to do one of the school runs, that would give you an extra 90 minutes per day. Or if you could hire a helper, you could get some work done in the house while the kids are present. Maybe not cleaning or tidying, but definitely life admin!

If you truly enjoy your volunteering, don’t give it up, as it’s your one bit of identity outside being a mother and you should treasure that. But ask yourself if you really enjoy it, or if you don’t want to let others down. If it’s the latter, you have to stop and take that extra 7.5 hours for yourself as you are drowning.

I’m an adult with Asperger’s and ADHD, and I still have terrible sleep problems and nocturnalism. I read yesterday that cortisol release in autism is abnormal or completely reversed, causing morning drowsiness and poor motivation, and preventing sleep at night. The only cure is apparently cardio exercise - so maybe you could try this for your SEN kid somehow? Maybe get a little indoor trampoline or something?

How many times has he been home since Christmas?

What’s the longest time he has looked after the three kids solo?

Having said that, I expect you do have some down time during the day - and you deserve it because you have none in the morning the afternoon, evening or overnight. If he wants to complain about your workload he needs to come and take some of those other shifts off you.

OP, I admire you and the way you keep everything together for your children. I wouldn't want your life or your marriage (and would never have agreed to that lifestyle, with a husband hardly ever there).

But I don’t think time is the real issue. I'm not trying to minimise your role or the difficulties of your life, but by your own reckoning you have about 17 hours at home on your own each week. That is way more than enough to get cooking and housework done. To be honest I don’t really see an objective reason why you feel exhausted and overwhelmed, though I appreciate that the run-up to Christmas might have been a nightmare. I would guess that the reason is that you don’t have anyone with whom to share your daily niggles and worries. This is what your DH doesn’t understand.

Assuming your DH won’t change jobs, I think you need more things to do and think about outside the home, not less. Maybe a (daytime) hobby where you can meet and chat to new people.

I think this is perhaps the only way forward. Yes the children will be unsettled, but he's their dad. He won't appreciate what you do until he actually does what you do. A weekend isn't enough because he'll be able to manage for a weekend and he can get by without grocery shopping, tidying up etc

Interesting takes.

"I would kill him, he's a shit" etc.
I'm a (child free) woman and would NEVER choose to keep five people warm, clothed and housed from my only salary.
Never.

What if the "shit" had enough and walked away???

I do understand that stress.

There are also parents who are the sole earner and also a lone parent, e.g, widowed or no contributions from the other parent. They have to find a way to make it work.

But TBF this thread is a SAHP asking for support.

She would have to make it work, it happens every day. He’d also have to pay maintenance or whatever it’s called now.

but think about this - would you ever outsource your job to someone else who already had a job, and announce you were moving to eg Belgium and would pay half their rent, but then complain they weren’t working hard enough to bring in more money? Or would you think huh maybe I should be there doing my own job and this person is overstretched. One partner working abroad has to be worth it for the whole family. In this case it clearly isn’t.

? The OP’s husband, and OP’s rental income covers their financial needs, so surely it is no one else’s business! What she’s doing has value too!

Agree with this, if you are feeling overwhelmed, then you need to drop the things that are optional and not of direct benefits to you or your kids.

With 1.5 extra days in the week, you'll have time for some self care/ me time/ just not doing STUFF for other people

This.
I get called in for 8:30 meetings, despite me telling the school that I cannot attend until at least 8:45 but more near 9am. And I have to go even on the two days I work which doesn't give me a lot of time for my half an hour drive where some idiots like to drive 22-24mph on a 30. Does my head in