DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

What’s he doing to help you?

So what’s the solution?

DH getting a different job so he can be home and share the evenings and weekends? And then OP gets a FT job?

Even with her DH home, she’s still going to have less free time when she’s working FT and so I’m not sure how that will help her feel less overwhelmed.
Perhaps sharing the mental load is all that’s needed but if not then OP is going to feel worse.

Her kids are all school age though so you can’t compare it. Plus looking after some e else’s kids isn’t the same as looking after your own - teachers for example would have 30 school aged kids to look after

He has no idea how hard it is to look after your 3 children because he has never had to do it. Hand the children over to him when he is next home and tell him you will be back in a few days. Don't do any prep, just go. These men get away with being shit dads because women enable them.

I’m confused in all honesty. So if you have 5 hours at home, that’s a good amount of time to get things sorted. I’d happily take that and I’d still have some down time before the afternoon/evening shift.

How do you think single working parents do it? They do all this PLUS have to earn all the household income

Those with SEN kids with significant needs are on benefits.

In my case the solution was my dh living and working in the same country as me.

Taking turns to do bedtime was a game changer. It freed up so much headspace and wellbeing. As did 'divide and conquer' at the weekends. Dh would take one child and I the other to things they could manage so the guilt that one child was missing out in thier child hood vanished.

Its a mistake to think in terms of time only. Its support and not just mental load, physical load of dealing with a meltdown.

Im not sure why she has to go from no work to full time work for dh to do half the bedtimes and take the kids swimming once a week? Theres plenty of part time options that even things up a bit. He'd have less pressure financially, she has less overwhelm from doing all the care.

He is right though. You don't have a job. But that doesn't mean you are not working your ass off.
Maybe going back to work would be easier - get some balance back?

OP you do have free time, all the school hours, use it for you and your family.

Volunteering in the community is a nice thing to do but it certainly isnt for a mother to 3 young children.
I fully intend to do more of this when I am retired but not before.
Infact someone asked me to make a quilt out of fabric face masks for charity once, I burst out laughing at them.

Op I'm so sorry he should of never said that to you. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to change once you're in it. You will find more empathy and understanding on the Sen board. It is absolutely OK to struggle.

I'm genuinely very happy that so many have made it work for them in their situations. But the comparisons just aren't that helpful. There is so much individual details that make a huge amount of difference to someone being able to simply "get a job" "get childcare"

Just going by this thread alone there is so much judgement on here, in society and by ops own husband. That takes a toll. In realistic terms if you feel less valued or like you have to constantly prove yourself. Many don't take down time, many don't look after themselves. You burn out. You may get depressed you may only be able to do the bare minimum to function. That goes for whatever your situation you may be working full time but be checked out in other areas of you life. It's not a competition it can be hard for us all. There simply is not enough support out there. Particularly for parents with children who have additional needs.

Great so next time he has a day off he can have them as it’s apparently so easy. I would
not let this go.

that may be incredibly difficult with an autistic child who doesnt cope with any form of childcare.

When he comes home for the weekend I would walk out & leave him too it. Give him a taste of his own medicine. See how he likes it. Or actually arrange to take a weekend off depending how petty you feel.

How much do you think it would cost an external person to do everything? childcare, ironing lady, cook, cleaner add it all up. Then say it is not a job.

It doesn't have to be for the full school hours, it could even be in the school where the child is. dinner staff, LSA. Or something that's from home and flexible (and not for the full 30 hours) where you could go to school when needed. I also said it sounds like they financially don't need her to have a job.

Endorsing everything already said about your husband being a shit. It sounds so emotionally isolating, OP - of course, you need your voluntary role to connect with others and be someone other than mum. I can't believe you have to manage a rental property as well although I understand it gives you some financial independence. Your husband should be financing everything if he is not contributing to parenting and running your home. Just because single mums struggle doesn't mean you should if he has a good income; definitely get him to pay for a cleaner.

Do you have a husband or partner who lives in your home, though? If you do, then I don’t think your situation is really comparable with the OP’s.

To add also, the OP didn’t post here because she can’t cope - she gets overwhelmed at times as most parents do, especially with SEN in the mix, but there’s nothing to suggest she’s not doing a good job. She posted because her husband seems completely unappreciative of all that she does, while essentially living the life of a single man. That’s really galling, and I’d be pissed off too.

Do they have to do "clubs" at that young age? Sounds like a nightmare, with having to entertain the other 2, for the whole time ( sorry HNRTfT) but that would be the first thing to go. I assume "clubs " means scouts or something . Bring one of their friends home for tea or something once a fortnight instead..Put up a tent inside or outside.
Sorry don't have a good experience with scouts and no idea what you else you might mean,except for brownies! I assume you don't mean sport or you would have said so and there is years of time for that. Can you hire a local music teacher ( at your kids ages a local uni student would be great and won't charge much). Hope some of that helped.
( Sorry for the derail, but I have never known what people in the UK mean by "clubs" .) I guess we have chess club but it's called chess club; drama class is called drama, cricket is called cricket as well as the heaps of other sports and activities our kids do. I guess it just seems to be so odd that you are about to drop your son at karate and the kindly neighbour asks where you are going and you say
"I'm just taking Benson to clubs". ignore the uniform. I think what we call sports / training/ groups :you guys in the UK call clubs. "By Jove , I think she's got it".
Apologies for spiel, was genuinely confused.

Is your rental income equivalent to a part time wage? If so tell him you will get a job when the parenting is more equal as there’s no way to fit it in right now he also should be taking over kids care at least 1 of his weekend days.

I’m sorry, this is so ignorant of the reality of life with a SEN child.

My autistic son is 8 years old - I’m needed to help him during school hours almost every week, this is because we have meetings about him and his needs, or because he can’t take part in some lessons without 1 to 1 support and his TA is off sick or in training, or because he can’t cope with parts of the curriculum even with support so I am taking him home for those sessions, or because he’s had a meltdown and school ask me to collect him. I am moving heaven and earth to keep him in mainstream education, and there is absolutely no way that any normal employer would be able to give me that level of flexibility.

Also his needs at home are overwhelming and exhausting - I can be up 5 times in the night, can spend the whole of the weekend with him dysregulated and screaming anytime i’m not holding him. I’m also trying to balance his brother’s needs. It’s exhausting, and if I don’t have some time to rest and meet my own needs during school hours then I’ll end up with a breakdown. Two years ago my GP said she’d have to hospitalise me for clinical exhaustion if I couldn’t get more help with him, my blood tests were getting very worrying.

OP has three very young children, one of whom needs significant extra support, and is effectively a single parent. If she doesn’t financially have to have a job then it makes sense not to!

The autistic child is at school not with OP 24/7

My friend had three children in 22 months. She got a cleaner once a week. Cleaner does downstairs she does upstairs. She'll also drop off laundry at a launderette that washes, dries and folds her bed linen, towels etc.

She says they're survival tricks otherwise she'd drown..

School hours jobs are like hens teeth. It's more likely she would need wraparound care/ holiday clubs or a nanny. Which the child may or may not be able to cope with. Might not actually exist in her area. I can't personally find any sen childcare.
They may or may not be able to afford it either. Specialised childcare is very expensive. That's if you can even find it.

Which means your job needs to be limited to school hours but actually even that is difficult as you have to start before your child is at school. If you child cant to breakfast club then you cant start on time. And what about all the extra appointments and school refusal. The poor woman needs a break and a more supportive husband, not more low paid work with more autistic children. Ive been there.