DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Great that you have such a flexible employer, but in my workplace people ‘WFH’ when they’re actually caring for sick children is a definite no.

We’ve no idea why the school asked OP to attend all those times so you can’t say she ‘chose’ to.

Missed that - sorry, but he’s the one paying the bills, not her.

This is spot on and really well expressed.

The lack of understanding and compassion on this thread for those parenting dc with profound SEN is really upsetting.

Did the dh not have any involvement in, or bear any responsibility for, the existence of his children too? Or is it all on op? An immaculate conception perhaps?

Many people do this and also go out to work.

Can you afford paid help like a cleaner?

Your DH is very wrong though. I was a SAHM until my youngest was in Reception so 6 years. This was to enable DH to work long hours/travel for work as his earnings far exceeding anything I could’ve earned. We also had rental income and I did a very small amount of freelance work. I only ever went back part-time so could keep house ticking over etc plus had term-time only role for 4 years (until it wasn’t needed). DH always been supportive of it all although I know he was tired as well from working and then doing bedtime while I made dinner in the early days.
I won’t lie and say my SAHM life didn’t have some good points - we had some fun times with friends, meeting other mums w kids, making mum friends on the school run etc. but some of it was complete drudge too. I think some DHs think it’s all the former.

Working would probably be good for your mental health, but he would need to be pulling his share at home so tell him yes that's fine when are you going to be working at home and I'll start looking.

tell him straight he needs to step up way more
by actually being there
no more working abroad
no more him sleeping in st weekends
the disrespectful twat he is

I have 5DC under 14, all of which are on the spectrum, but one DC is profoundly disabled. I'm currently a SAHM, but my youngest starts reception in September and I will then start my nursing degree. My youngest has been at nursery for two hours in the morning since september I have felt my life fall into far more order, the house is mostly organised and clean(ish). You have 5 hours alone, 5 days a week, you should be managing. I would imagine there is something deeper at play here. Possible depression? Are you ND yourself? It can be a lonely, exhausting and monotonous existence as a SAHM.

Good for them. But everybody’s circumstances are all very different, no? Surely you recognise that.

I think you have to take a week off, and get him to take a week’s leave to spend at home.

he might get it then

You can only do this if you can afford to have someone look after your child with severe SEN or their needs can be met by a special school within a reasonable distance of home and the latter are few and far between,

So I think multiple things can be true at once:

1. you probably can’t work easily if DH works away and you have a child with SEN. It is unfair to throw that in and say get a job as realistically that would be challenging at this point. Not impossible but there is a lot going on and the OP doesn’t have support during the week.

2. That said, with all three children in school (albeit with frequent calls home) the OP should have plenty of time to manage the house, life admin and have time for herself.

I agree. I feel that the world has become very binary these days, you’re either one thing or the other, and humanity isn’t like that. Life isn’t like that. It’s messy and changes every second.

One minute you can have a professional career and plan to return to it after Mat Leave and the next you can find yourself with a child that has such high needs that it becomes your career.

Yes, I do. But, it’s not really ‘good for them’ is it? Surely you recognise that.

I understand where your anger and resentment come from but I think you’re aiming it at the wrong people here.

I wasnt going to respond op but I have a similar experience of a dh living in another country and having a child with autism.

I think people dont understand how often you get called into school with an sen child. You have all the exact same sickness and nativity as everyone. Plus all sorts of other meetings or issues. People also dont know how hard childcare is to secure for some sen children. There is a right to education but not childcare, so places say no or double thier fees.

I also think yes you get time when at school to do chores/ rest but my dh, when abroad, used to have similar down time after work in the evening. He used to go to bars, swimming or just watch tv whilst I was wrangling an autistic child, who was overtired from school for 6 or 7 hours straight.

I did actually manage to get a school hours job 3 days a week which I enjoyed for the adult company and a rest. But my employer was lovely and worked hard to accommodate me and i had to use a lot of unpaid parental leave.

I was only able to work more when dh returned to the uk and took a much more flexible job. People always say 'what about single parents - they have to get on with it" and actually a significant number of single parents of autistic children have to rely on benefits as they cant work.

I think that having 3 dc all under 7 is a lot.

Just because they are in school doesn’t mean you have the same amount of time as you would have in a f/t job. I always found that when people asked incredulously what I did all day with 2 children in school I think they were thinking about how they would fill their 8 hours of being child free.
Except school is only 9-3, 6 hours and in that 6 hours there was an hour travelling back home then back to the school. An hour where I had to physically be parked up waiting for school to finish otherwise there was no parking and you would have to drive around waiting for someone to leave before you could park up and that meant late collecting

So suddenly instead of 8 hours per day I only had 4 and in that 4 I had to tidy, clean, hoover, mop floors, do the laundry, gardening and any DIY, do food shopping and keep a close eye on the finances and what was being spent, preparing tea for dc to be eaten in the car on the way to their ECA’s as well as walking a dog a couple of times.
Its not that much time

Her DH has every night and weekend to himself. He takes zero calls from the school, has to attend zero meetings because of incidents with his child, deals with zero melt downs, zero sick children, zero family stress and worry etc. Does he even manage the rental property or help with the budget? Possibly, but probably not. The only thing he does is go to work and live the rest of his life as he pleases. How delightful! I remember those days fondly! Only having myself to think of, going to bed whenever I liked rather than staying up past 10pm to try to sooth my autisic child, going out for after work drinks, going to the movies, having dinner with mates...

Meanwhile, the OP is essentially a single parent of 3 children under 7, at least one of which has SEN. She has no family support, and no paid support such as a cleaner. (From what I have read, the OP hasn't said why, but presumably it's because she can't afford it, as even with the rental income from her flat, she is scraping by, not living the life of Riley). She never gets a break. How about some empathy, or solutions for how she can make her life a tiny bit easier or better, rather than judgement? Good for those who said, were they in her position, they'd be managing with no issues and be able to maintain a full time job and have a spotless home. Marvellous. We're not all the same and we all break down at differnt times. She has already had one breakdown following a traumatic event. This woman is struggling. Focus on that rather than why she can't make her lived in home a show home in between driving to and from school.

Can I just remind everyone, the pressure a sole earner feels to house, feed, clothe their family is real. No-one ever seems to acknowledge this. The SAHP never has to worry about that (or doesn’t seem to).

Save your gaslighting for someone else. I am not in yours or the OP’s situation, so no anger or resentment from me. Many people on here work and look after children with SEN. Your comment ‘good for them’ was unnecessary. Have a good day.

A job ? He must be joking . For me going to work after mat leave was like a break. For one thing you get an actual break to have a cup of tea in peace when you are at work. And my job was 12 hour shifts on my feet all day . Yes he’s the sole earner but she is enabling that by minding his family.

I suggest you get him to take one day off to live your life, and I mean go out for the entire day and night (or pick up only jobs he does on a regular basis). Then see what he thinks.

You poor thing. No wonder you’re shattered 💐. You’re effectively a lone parent. That’s tough. First thing to say is it gets a lot easier as the children grow and become more independent.

Why did your DH have children? For a woman to look after? He needs to realise that if you want to be a parent, you’re responsible for looking after the child at least 50% of the time, including overnight: 24/7. That’s the default starting point. If you don’t want to do that job 50% of the time, don’t have kids.

Of course, parents can negotiate to suit their needs, but that’s a negotiation. Not to be assumed by the father. For example, if you worked part-time but could still do your 50% of every 24 hours, but he couldn’t, he’s responsible for organising and paying for childcare for his 50%. Not you.

That costs money (childminder, nanny etc) because, guess what, looking after children is a job. A very responsible, important, challenging, tiring job. Caring for children with SEND is a far more specialist and demanding job. So, you have a specialist, demanding job, which you appear to work at around 14hrs a day, 7 days a week. He needs to pay you for it. The going rate, with paid leave.

Household chores (cooking, cleaning, clearing out, life admin) should also be shared 50/50. Or he has to pay someone, e.g. a cleaner, to do his share. Or (as with childcare) pay you to do it. The going rate.

Your DH needs to start taking his parental responsibilities seriously. You can’t be a good parent and not be there most if the time. He needs to change job, so he can cover his 50% or much closer to it. He needs to stop treating you as an unappreciated servant rather than a paid specialist childcarer. Does he love you and the kids? It doesn’t sound like it.

If he can’t change his perspective and take more responsibility, I suggest you consider why you’re in a relationship with him. If it’s only for financial reasons, then you should start considering your options for being financially independent. If you split, he’ll either be responsible for 50% of the childcare or, if you remain the main carer, will have pay you for it.

In the meantime, accept the help you’re being offered. Your kids (other than perhaps your disabled child) should be fine if looked after by friends or a good paid childcarer. They’re used to being away from you at school. I know the problem with the nursery worker must have affected you, but most childcare professionals are fantastic and you can ask for recommendations. Parenting is all about encouraging your kids to gradually become independent from you, and you re-emerging into your own, independent life. So, don’t give up your voluntary work if you enjoy it and find it rewarding. It gives you a role outside of childcare and housework and may be v helpful in getting a career going again.

Housework should be possible when your children are at school. I have three DC and was a lone parent. I work full-time and manage to do housework in the evenings and weekends. You learn to be really efficient, e.g. cleaning the bathroom while they’re in the bath, batch cooking etc. But, given how exhausted you are, you may need a hand declutterring and getting systems in place. It can help to break it down into different chores for different days of the week or month. The kids should all have their set chores too: laying the table, washing up, sorting the laundry, tidying their rooms etc.

tell your dh to take a couple of days of work - Monday and Tuesday then go away for the weekend and leave him to it.

When you return see how thinks you can cope with looking after 3 under 7 and a job on top of that