DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

2 kids, 1 with SEN, 1 a toddler so not at school, full time job. I’m sorry your husband is a bit of a prick, OP, but what you’re doing is what most of us are doing on top of working for 8-9 hours a day. Might sound harsh and make me a bit of a prick, but it’s a fact. Cleaning and ironing and tidying and life admin all takes place outside of working hours.

Perhaps your child's needs are different to the OPs. Also not trying to upset you but as a warning my DS used to do 40 hours a week at nursery from age 2-4 but still can't cope with more than 3 hours a day at school now.
Hopefully that won't be the case for you but I never imagined it would happen to me (or more accurately DS).

That’s literally the point - she had to leave because she wasn’t able to flex around the hours she was needed. Perfectly good at her job but wasn’t able to change with business needs. You hugely overestimate how flexible many WFH jobs are. Being remote is not the same as being flexible. Glad you’ve finally acknowledged that.

And honestly why is it now 'normal ' for a very young child or baby to do the equivalent of a working week or longer in a nursery environment, away from home?
I'm sure I'm going to get jumped on by lots of people saying that women should be able/need to work full time outside of the home, and I get that, of course I do. But I don't accept that it is the best thing for our babies/toddlers/children. I actually don't think women can 'have it all' without a significant price being paid somewhere along the line, by most of those involved.

Maybe but not in this case I was at nursery with him. Working in the same room for most of the time so he was still with me. I did compressed hours so we got a 3 day weekend.
Out of interest what sort of price do you think most pay? That's a genuine question especially as you said parents generally work to provide for their kids.

I think the children are exhausted from being in an environment where they can't properly relax, with people that don't love them - they are paid to look after them. Obviously in your case that wasn't true, but I would think that is very rare (that a parent works in the nursery that their child attends).
I think parents, especially but not only mothers, really miss being around their babies/children, and are exhausted from looking after their children and home after working all day.
I don't have a solution, sadly.
With the rise of female emancipation and feminism, women could take on roles in the workplace alongside men. Some love what they do, but many are 'wage slaves' , as indeed are many men - working to pay the bills in unfulfilling roles. That's another price people pay.
Is it better than the old days, when women pretty much had to stay home and look after the children? But the cost of living was proportionally less, so households could manage on one wage/salary. And many families lived closer together, so the extended family could help with child raising.
As a lifelong feminist, looking at it from the perspective of now being in my mid 60s, I do think about these things.
Better social philosophers than me have tackled this question, and not come up with any ideal solutions. I'm just raising it as a discussion point...

I also take my hat off to you, OP.
I was a sahm to 2 boys, with an almost 3 year age gap.
Older DS was diagnosed at 7 with dyslexia- this was 30 years ago, so people weren't as aware and help at school was harder to access.
My then husband often travelled for work, so I did everything. He earnt a good salary, but did very little in the home - couldn't cook, never saw what tasks needed to be done eg cleaning. He would take the boys out eg to swimming lessons, but I did most of it, which I was fine with. I had always wanted to be at home with my children.
I went back to work when my youngest was 10, and chose to work in schools so that I could be around for the boys around school hours and in the holidays. I qualified as a SEN support worker, and ended up doing that for 21 years.
My then DH was very appreciative of everything that I did in the home and with the boys, and of me working in a role where I could still do all that (pre children i was an HR specialist working in the corporate world, but that wouldn't fit around school hours - again, 30 years ago, much less flexibility for working parents).
After working with SEN kids for 20+ years, I completely understand how demanding it is, and why you are exhausted, particularly as you have 2 other DCs to care for too.
I think your husband is very unappreciative of all you do, possibly because he's never had to it and isn't around very often to observe the daily grind. You could try keeping a diary for, say, a week, detailing everything you do.
Even if he doesn't appreciate you, keep telling yourself that you are doing your best for your DCs 24/7 every single day - no-one can do more than that. 💐

The fact you can’t understand this is mind blowing. Obviously if that was an option for everyone we would all take it. Stop trying to bring down other women. It’s nasty. You. Are. Lucky. Be thankful and move on.

Categorically not, as I've quite clearly explained, but hey ho.

Lmao. Yes ,when I refer to "most people" I'm not referring to people in my house.

Is that literally what you're stooping to, to try and make a point?

Most people. As in most people. As you well know.

Have you not realised you're not allowed to say this? 😁

Actually, you should be unemployed with the kids out of the house all day and be furious at the idea anyone suggests you don't have a job.

But they don’t. What you mean is ‘most mums’. You, OP and numerous other PPs have illustrated that it’s actually very common for ‘most mums’ to do all the work and ‘most dads’ to work out of the house and have their children and laundry managed by someone else. I just don’t see that as something to be smug about.

Then you’re just wrong. Good of you to stop off on the school run and reply though.

I’m struggling a bit with this also, that you say the school run and getting ready for school and the after school bits is like a full time job. A lot of us are doing all of this, drop offs, food, dinners, washing, changing bedding, sorting the car, cleaning and DIY/trades etc around a job. I’d probably say I take my hat off to you though if you were my friend, as I wouldn’t want it make you feel bad.

I think it must be really hard not having adult company in the evenings, so I would keep the volunteering. What is it, any possibility you could convert it into a part time paid position?

I think sometimes tasks expand to fill the time you have. I noticed this on both mat leaves- small things and tasks become a big deal. Whereas when I’m working, I slot them into my lunch break or while cooking dinner etc. But if you have six hours a day, cleaning or making beds can feel like a bigger thing.

Talk to your husband and see how he really feels. Maybe he doesn’t want a stay at home parent any longer. Maybe he does and was just being insensitive

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease I take it back, you are amazing - you can even do the school run whilst reading and replying to multiple mumsnet posts.

I don’t get a moment to look at my phone until around now, school runs all complete and kids fed. But then, I clearly don’t try as hard as you do. It’s all a question of effort, isn’t it?

Yep. All of this.

@TeaDoesntSolveEverythingdoes your DH actually want to be a family with you and the kids?

Ahhhh no, I see you're the poster that tried to make out "most people" meant the sole other adult in my home.

That adds some perspective.

Please don’t fool yourself into thinking you have perspective.

It’s briliant that you can get in from the school run and hop onto Mumsnet. Kinda undermines any notion that your life - even with a job - is as challenging as those with kids with complex needs though.

And that’s the entire point. You smugly thinking you’re better than OP when your life is nothing like hers. Bar the lazy husband.

I call bollocks.

I’ve picked up from four schools in my time. In not one of them could you be in the car whizzing home at 3:50 if school ends at 3:50. You’re at least 5 mins getting your child from the staff, walking to the car, bags in etc.

So you’ve left school 15:55, then you’re posting on mumsnet 16:02. A quote/reply post, so not a quick one liner. So you presumably couldn’t have unlocked your phone before 16:00. And even if you live literally 5 mins drive from school, you’ve still got to get the kids and bags out of the car and into the house, shoes off etc. And even if we overlook the time angle, are your kids not keeping you occupied minutes after school pick up?

So either, you drive the batmobile, you have a Bernard’s watch allowing you to freeze time to use mumsnet, your kids are silent after school and require zero input from you to get from the car to the house and get their stuff off.

Or you’re full of shit and you didn’t do the school run.

The reason I will not drop this is because you claimed to have exactly the same circumstances as OP - demanding SEN, no husband at home, no help or support - but also work full time. Again, I could drop that…but then you repeatedly used it as a stick to beat her with. To try to make her feel bad because you can do it, and she can’t.

The reason you can do it is because you have more support. That is wonderful and I am pleased for you. But you are NOT in the same position as OP and you have no right to bullshit her with lies.

So your child has highest rate mobility and care, is that right? What happens with them in the school holidays? Or do you have a term time job or a very sympathetic employer who lets you have over and above the regular holiday allowance? Either way you have a very unique set of circumstances here that actually cant be compared to the OP.

In my twenty plus years of working with, and parenting, kids with SEN I have never seen or heard of a holiday club that runs every holiday every day for children with such high care needs that need to be supervised constantly.

Sorry to hear you struggle so much doing a basic school run.

The kids come out at 3.50. Get in the car, approx 30 seconds away in the school car park. And we are home a few minutes later.

Unless someone is upset etc there's no daily struggle for five minutes to get kids and bags in a car. You open the boot. You place the bags in. If you manage to make that take 5 minutes every day, and can't comprehend that it's doable in about 15 seconds, then there's not a lot anyone else can do about that.

And you are hilarious with your " I won't let it drop" as if you need to be provided with constant explanation. All that translates to, is "I can't abide to hear that anyone can just get on and do the things that I want to use as excuses for others not doing them."

I have zero other support during the week and a full time job. As have countless other people on this thread.

OP has zero other support during the week and is unemployed with 30hrs free to herself whilst her children are at school. OP claims she does have "a job" doing all the things that other people do after school/at the weekends in addition to 30+ hrs of employment.

Her husband has made the comment "you don't have a job". He's right.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleaseOK. Pleased you don’t have kids that flap about getting out of school. Are your kids SEN? Do they sleep well? Are you up in the night with them? Do you get called to school often as the school/ they cannot cope? This is all mentally exhausting.

I can’t remember tour circumstances but I am sure your husband is around a lot more than the OP’s?

i consider myself to be a doer - but I will struggle with 3 SEN children as it was challenging with 3 neurotypical children and a supportive husband and home help!