DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

So (if this is true) you work part time school hours and the rest WFH. Which is great for you, but certainly not a usual set up or one I’ve ever seen advertised.
You are allowed to unlawfully work through your break as part of your regular working pattern, you have all your children in one school which is conveniently located very near your work, you are allowed to drop off at school at 8:30 and not collect until 3:50, and holidays? Well, you haven’t told us about holidays. I’ll assume that’s the next instalment.

Meanwhile I, for instance, have 3 children in 3 schools due to SEN. The school runs start at 7:45 and end 9:30 in the mornings, and 3:30 to 5:15pm in the evenings. It also means that school holidays are twice as long as unfortunately they are not all off for the same dates. There is no way around this. I cannot take my child out of the setting we have finally found that suits them, and as mothering them is my main JOB as I am the only parent at home, that means my time for working in Tesco is limited.

This is true for many families.

I do actually have a real job, but due to H working away I can’t actually do it. I can pick up shifts ad hoc but I can’t make a career of it as I once dreamed of doing. Trust me, if I could be working in it I would. Instead I do bits of freelance stuff for a family member’s business. Again, not a chance everyone has.

You actually come across as really quite unpleasant. I’m not sure what you are trying to achieve here.

It's not "privileged" to choose a job specifically near your child's school. I think you need to look up what the word means. I could earn a lot more working half an hour away.

None of the children are in after-school clubs to finish at 3.50pm. That's what time the school finishes.

I appreciate this.

One of my children is higher rate daily allowance and mobility allowance.

Another is about to start assessments at the school's request.

They aren't easy. But equally they aren't a green light to declare the rest of life impossible, even if I don't have to work and don't have to look after any of them all day for the school hours.

Now imagine you didn't work at all, and had all 30hrs each week, child free at home. You and all DC fully paid for by someone else.

How would you be getting on then?

She doesn’t have 30 hours a week, that’s what you decided she had and you keep repeating it. She has 5 hours a day minus an hour to get everything in order, do a wash etc.
She is struggling with a tough lot, doing it all alone. I can see that. Everyone else can see that.

YOU can’t see that. So what do you do - shrug and scroll on? Post to record your view and move on? Think ‘ah well, I don’t think it sounds that hard but no point sticking the boot in.’

No. You stick the boot in. Repeatedly.

You repeatedly return to tell OP how badly she’s doing. How lazy she is, and how her H is right. How much better you are. How you don’t use your SEN kids as an excuse like stupid OP does, no way, you hitch up your skirts and get on with life, like she should be the lazy cow.
You, with your H at home and your insanely flexible job apparently.

You have shown yourself to be nasty and unfeeling on this thread. I hope you reflect on it and next time, find your way to being kinder. Or at least, just abstain from being actively UNkind.

No wrap-around or breakfast/after school.

School hols, I use holiday clubs and annual leave.

No I didn't have this precise job before the DC but I've always had an income stream. This particular set up I chose because it worked around school hours. Jobs like this might not be ten a penny, but they aren't particularly hard to come by. If I lost this job, I'd find an equivalent. Not the following day, no, but one would come up probably in three months or so. A far cry from pretending I can't possibly work.

Of course you need a flexible employer. I'm not sure why so many posters seem to think this is any kind of point...it's obviously essential for it to work for both of you, and again not hard to find. This one, where I am currently, allows WFH, because I've proved over my employment that if I do need to jet off for something child related, I will complete my work that evening. It's give and take.

Again, there are endless WFH jobs too. Now those you can literally "walk into" tomorrow. People just don't want to do the work, data processing or telemarketing for around minimum wage.

My role was advertised as full time office hours. I interviewed. Got offered the role, and at that point I asked to have the ability to work around school. They said they weren't keen, but I had my probation to show that it worked, or I'd be out of there. Or, I could have just sat at home and claimed it's impossible for me to get a job because of school hours, because the advert says 9-5. This isn't "lucky" or "privileged". It's about taking agency and accountability as to whether you are going to make things happen, or not.

I have a mum with triplets in my circle. Friends from pre natal. And she's a tour de force. If anyone had a reason to not get anything done, it's her. She is inspirational, and is very much "just get on with it". A big part of looking at my circumstances, and realising I can dedicate my energy to convincing myself why I'm not capable of xyz, or dedicate the same energy to get up, and get on.

Wow, 13 weeks annual leave as well, what a great perk.

In many roles, you would not be snacking at your desk all day and then pissing off at school run time, only to catch up when it suited you. You’d needed during office hours, when other people are available. I have some flexible workers in my time but some in lab, support and other technical roles they need to be there 9-5 and they need to take a planned break so there’s coverage. Most of them WFH 60% or more, are qualified to a high level and highly paid but they need to be at their desk and focused, not looking after sick kids or sitting on the sofa after hours. And they can’t take all the school holidays off either, so you’re fortunate that you can.

It reads like you think you’re very special, rather than having been pretty fortunate. There’s nothing wrong with being lucky, enjoy it. But don’t sit and judge others for not being.

Some of this doesn't make sense.

It's pretty unusual for a child with higher rate care to be able to utilise holiday clubs for a start. Then with higher rate care there's, by definition, day and night care, so you'd be having very disrupted night sleep.

People aren't machines, and most people can't work full-time, by topping up work in the evenings, before having disrupted night's sleeps, and the increased work that comes from having a child with additional needs.

I actually agree with you that there are more working from home opportunities than people appreciate sometimes, and this has given a lifeline for parents of kids for disabilities to work. That's why I can work. But I also appreciate that not everyone is able to find this sort of work, and for some people their load outside of school times and at night means the school day is the only chance to recuperate.

Perhaps re read with a little better comprehension. I don't take all the school holidays off. I love the emphasis on all day snacking too. I mean I barely work, just one hand in a trough.

There's nothing lucky about how I ended up with my job. I made it happen, not through being "special" or "fortunate" or "lucky". I took my shot and they agreed to trial it, very clear that if I didn't get the results, I'd be out. You can see half the people on her claiming it's impossible to even have a job. Would they have gone in and asked for different hours to the advertised role? No? They're just "unlucky" eh.

I took can list various positions this won't work for. Shop assistant. Security Guard. What's that proving? Pretty obviously, you can't do that from home. Why the constant urge to so desperately show how things can't work? Where's the list of roles that can? Most office based stuff can have a good degree of remote working.

Are you never a bit pissed off with your husband for not helping at all though?

The child in question has struggled with some clubs and less so in others. Generally depends on what kind of other kids are there and if they set him off. The one under assessment is usually ok after a couple of drop offs and can be peeled off my leg knowing it's a safe place he can trust. It certainly helps having a sibling there.

Sleep deprivation is a pain in the arse. For sure. When it's your norm for so long, you do just get used to feeling permanently tired I think, and learn to function.

Yes there are loads of WFH jobs. Full, hybrid all sorts these days. I like being out of the house, but equally it's good to have the post COVID remote options so readily available.

Sometimes. But he's a high earner and his income allows us to have a much nicer home and better future for all of us. So on balance, I'm not that arsed that he's not doing the laundry.

He's simply not here. It's not like he's around all day and just watching. He does make a lovely cuppa at the weekends though. The garden is large and he sorts that. He does all the car stuff too. If we have a classmate's birthday party he comes along to those. If we're taking a trip out at the weekends for the DC like to the beach, of course he's there then. If I'm going to the supermarket and taking DC he will more likely stay home.

Ah no, you use holiday clubs as well - something that’s not an option in every area or for every SEN child.

You seem a bit confused about what luck or good fortune is. Yes, well done for shooting your shot. But do you think you’re the only one who ever asked for anything? Plenty of requests for flexible working are turned down.

As for comprehension, maybe work on your own - remote and flexible are two different things. Many jobs can be remote, but increasingly employers are calling people back in and changing the goalposts. I’m sure that you have people who work with, above or below you who couldn’t work as flexibly as you. Are you somehow just trying harder? Yes, of course you are, you just waltz through everything and the world falls at your feet, so why wouldn’t it for everyone.

I used to have a colleague who’d secured a very flexible arrangement. When it was first set up (before my time) it worked well, but over time our work changed, we worked across different sites and started doing more international work. It didn’t work at all for her hours to map around school and holidays any more. She was a liability in the end because she couldn’t actually do the role. It was a nightmare. So yes, it’s just good fortune. Things can change, sometimes you have to accept things as they are, not as you think you deserve.

Hold on, so he’s off out working so you can all afford a better quality of life than you can provide on your own?

Wasn’t it you that criticised OP for just exactly that?

She was a liability in the end because she couldn’t actually do the role

Not being able to do the job you agreed contractually to do, and becoming a liability isn't unlucky. It's not doing your job.

I'm not sure why I "waltzed" into my job and it falls at my feet. Through my excellent luck, I tripped and fell into this role? I worked and continue to work very hard, and it is acknowledged. Zero luck about it.

If things changed and my permission to WFH in the evenings to continue fulfilling this role was withdrawn, then I'd have to leave the job. That's a given.

No, the critique is OP complaining that being unemployed and at home child free for 30hrs a week, that she is so burnt out that she thinks the person working full time and funding her and the rest of the family is the one who needs to add to their load to ease her burden.

Most people do what OP does when they get home from work, on top of that job. Not have 30 hours a week to themselves, and no job either.

Things must have got hugely better that you think that jobs that work around school times are so easy to come by

I think the only reason you can do this job is because your children’s primary school hours are far longer than most other primary school.
and because the company you work for is acting illegally.

If someone joins your company and realises that you work over 6 hours without a break and explains to those who said this was ok that they could get serious fines and their insurance that they pay for isn’t worth the paper it is written on if anything happened during work hours that involved you they might reconsider your current hours with the company

A lot if the people I know are all back at work f/t. If anything WFH for a lot of companies is getting more tighter. I know that one of my dds friends, her company is doing a very phased return to work over the past couple of years
She has gone from in the office 1 day per week to now WFH 1 day per week and that is changing in a few months time.

When you say getting another job that works round school I think you will need to target those companies who have owners or management that know nothing about the laws on working hours or if they know the law and are willing to risk not getting caught out

It’s not so easy finding a job that adheres strictly to the law and you can work round school

You are also looking for a company where you are the only one doing your job because those being required to work 9-5 are not going to be happy seeing you swan off home at 3.30

You got very lucky once. Don’t brag about how easy it is to do every because the universe has a habit of bursting your well organised bubble

I do not get made a cuppa at the weekend. I do all the garden and car stuff and everything else that involves life and life with kids and kids with SEN. You keep making up facts about my timings that are incorrect so go back and read my posts again as others have corrected you too but you are not listening. My issue was not with putting more on my DH it was the fact he said “but you don’t have a job” when I do everything and never get a full night sleep on top of it all. Even just sharing clearing up from dinner times, kids homework and bedtimes drastically reduces time and the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Oh I see, so now your lifestyle is being funded by someone else then that part is ok. Got you. 👍

The one interesting part of your post though is you say ‘most people’ do all of that. But ‘most people’ in your house don’t - only you. So how are you extrapolating that ‘most people do’? Actually lots of people I know with children, additional needs or no, share the domestic and childcare and life admin. So they don’t have loads of hours spare each week, but they don’t need to because they’re in a partnership where the share the load. But you don’t have that, and neither does OP. You’ve actually got quite a major thing in common. OP seems like a nicer person though.

I love the way that staying at home to look after three dc under seven, one of whom has significant SEN, is now characterised as a “funded lifestyle” as if it’s a luxury spa day on repeat, and as if the father of said dc has no responsibility towards them and played no part in creating them!

I think some posters have no idea just how demanding life can be with a child with SEN.

You are incredibly lucky to get a job with school hours. You are incredibly lucky your child can do a full day at school. You are incredibly lucky your child can cope with holiday clubs (of any description).
You are also wrong to assume there jobs are easy to come by, if they were all parents would be working school hours. Most companies are moving away from WFH, a lot of people are back in the office at least some of the week.
Just because your children can cope and you have a job that fits around school hours doesn't make you a better person. It actually does make you lucky, regardless of whether you believe it or not. Just trying to imagine what my life would look like if DS could cope with more than 3 hours of school (as an absolute maximum) and holiday clubs.

A lot of it doesn’t make sense.

She also claimed upthread when sniping at Newsenmum that she wasn’t new to this, she had ‘2 decades experience’ as an SEN mum. So we can assume her ‘child’ is actually 20 and therefore most of what she is spouting is bollocks.

Yes but this is the shit lot that so many women have.
Trapped at home unable to work because the men who fathered their children sod off and do zero childcare.
Then slagged off for not working, despite the fact the fathers choices make them unable to.

It’s because (sadly, and wrongly) society places no value on a woman raising her children. Even though that usually means for a man that they have free (£0 cost) on demand childcare for their children. It’s the double standards of the modern world. Society expects women to work like they don’t have children, and to mother like they don’t have a job.