DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Don't go straight to ditching the community activity and certainly not so you can do more housework.

Limit cleaning to 1.5 hours a day or half an hour a day plus one full day whole house blitz.

That gives you 2.5 days where you can do things for you or fit in school appointment or 3.5 hours a day x 4 days a week.
Accept lower standards in your home, declutter to make it as easy as possible and get the kids to help with putting their breakfast things straight in the dishwasher.
Listen to music or a podcast while you clean so that it feels less like drudgery.

When your husband is home, do you spend any time the two of you? Does he spend time strengthening his relationship with his children?

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease speaking of cherry picking, why not reply to this^?

Cool.

First of all she has 30 hrs. But she deducts 45 minutes for a school run ( which naturally has to get rounded up to an hour).

Where as the rest of us, our children teleport to school you see, it is indeed "myth" and magic that anyone can possibly go to a job around school drop offs/pick ups.

The millions of parents that do? Must be wizards.

Holidays? You use paid childcare, again like the millions of other parents around the country. Or is that "mythical" too..

Personally I like to mainly use AL and a few holiday clubs.

There are thousands of WFH jobs too. But they can't possibly be something OP could do.

No, I didn't have support. I used paid childcare. Like most people. But then, of course you must factor in magical powers, as that's clearly the only way to explain it....

So HOW did your children get to and from school if you and your H worked full time? Given that your annual leave entitlement wouldn’t be enough to cover every holiday and sick day, and paid childcare just for the holidays and for an autistic child is like hens teeth, HOW EXACTLY?
Im aware that parents do achieve this, but almost always with family or friend support, or two parents at home, which OP does not have.

I will not drop this. You claim to have achieved it in the same circumstances as OP. So how exactly?

As a mother who is actually in the same circumstances as OP, the sanctimonious tone of parents like you who fail to see their own privilege in having support really riles me. You are choosing to use this to kick another mother when she is down, which I think is despicable behaviour.

I don’t begrudge anyone who has support. Whether it’s a partner at home who takes the bins out and shares school pick ups, grandparents who step in in emergencies, whatever. Only one child who’s easy to find care for, etc. Good for them.
But some parents don’t have any of this, and I will no longer let behaviour like yours pass uncommented when you preach sanctimoniously to people like the OP from your privileged position.

I also dont understand why someone would hear someone else say im physically and mentally drained, I've recently had a breakdown and basically respond with arent you pathetic compared to me. I'm awesome! People were much kinder to my dh after his breakdown. They still treat him with kid gloves 4 years later.

But autism is a spectrum. My autistic son had no school place at all for a year and then did part time school for 5 years and there was no possible childcare. But there are autistic children that love thier wrap around and school, thrive on the order and rules and it is as easy as dropping a child off at paid for childcare on the way to work like anyone else. We dont know where ops child falls. Only that the child has meltdowns, stomach aches and school have called up maybe 14 times in just one term.

I just don't really get why its so important to prove she could technically work on the basis of an autistic child who can manage day care, but to do so means zero rest time. Why are people so protective of her partner. I dont get why he must keep his 30+hours rest time, he doesnt need to see the children, and he must also be relieved any financial pressure he currently has as that is too much for him.
Just as peoole insist millions of women do it all by themselves with zero help millions of men managed to hold down a job and put their own child to bed and give there wife a lay in at the weekend. Why is the advice for op to act like a single parent.

I believe OP said 14 times she had to attend, 4 times were for optional things.

She hasn’t confirmed meltdowns etc but have to attend suggests she does. Whereas you have confirmed that you only attend the school around your other commitments. The reasonable inference is therefore that your SEN child is either in a placement that can manage them, or they have lower level need. Good for you, but doesn’t sound comparable.

@LittleLapwingalso finding holiday clubs and wraparound care or even baby sitters/ childminders that can accommodate SEN children is to easy task. Especially rurally

He's not 'paying all her bills'

She's not sat there being fanned whilst her nails are being painted

I understand your lot is different and probably harder, but they are his children too and someone has to care and organise them,

And it's really hard to find the appropriate setting

Yes, I've already indicated that DS has SEN. I worked p/t so that DH could work f/t.

That’s great you have found a job where you can work part time and still manage. Good for you.

Yes, it was really good for me to get out of the house and have another focus.

And when I was at home with the children, I didn't have a job. I may have been working really hard, but factually, I didn’t have a job; not sure why that’s controversial 🤷‍♀️

Just yo add that OP is also contributing financially - she has an income from a rental property that she owns. So she is doing all the parenting and bringing in some money!
Yy to the question of the husband seems to be exempt from looking after his own kids and organising his life so that he does his share. Earning money is not the only responsibility that fathers have, not if we are saying yo mothers that they must raise the kids single handedly and earn money too!

Today:

Dropped off at 8.30. Arrived at work at 8.45.

Worked to 3.30pm. Don't take a lunch break. Generally snack as and when in my office. Pick up at 3.50pm.

That's a 33.75 hour week. Which could have been my total hours. However, I like to do full time hours and get full time pay. So I'm "allowed" to work the massive amount of 6hrs over evenings. Which is immaterial to the example of how this working wizardry is performed.

DH left before me and DC this morning, and is due back in an hour or so ...he might actually catch them before bedtime today. DC are eating their dinner, I've popped load of washing in, got their PE kits laid out for tomorrow and as you can see, chilling out and scrolling through my phone.

Which part my day down to two parents, or friends and family support that you insist is impossible to do this without? Dear Mrs "I think I can demand answers" do explain my "obvious privilege"

It's not controversial. It's what most people do, SEN children or not. We happen to have SEN children, and work.

But if you show it's even remotely possible, let alone very achievable, it makes having 30 hrs to yourself every week, no job, whilst your children are all in school, a very difficult place to complain from. And that's not ok.

Whilst I think the OP may have more time than many in her situation because of not working, I think you're lumping all SEND parenting together. It sounds like the additional needs your children pose due to this are quite low. If you've got a child who only sleeps for 3 hours a night, who can't be left to play/watch a show whilst you cook dinner, who requires ferrying round to therapy appoints weekly etc, and who can't access holiday clubs, then it looks quite different.

The OP doesn't have it 'easy', but she is fortunate that she doesn't have to juggle the 'parenting plus' that she has to do with work, like many of us do. But most of us that do are only a few rungs beneath breaking point because what we are expected to do is too much.

I don't think WFH jobs (or ones conveniently 15 minutes from the OP's kids school) that allow flexible working and some of the job to be done at some point during the evening are exactly 10 a penny. No one is going to get that if they haven't been employed for a number of years and we have no idea what education or work experience the OP has. I'm assuming your kid doesn't have ASD with challenging behaviour because you don't sound like you have a clue.

Honestly you should stop as you just sound like a dick. I really hope you're not in a role requiring any empathy.

I wouldn’t describe it as privilege but it’s good fortune that you have only a 15 minute journey from school to work isn’t it? Probably most people don’t. And if you had to take DC to more than one school (and pick up same) you’re adding two hours to your day.

And some employers do insist you take a break, because they want to comply with the law. And some won’t let you work at home to make up the hours. So if you had to work full time in an office that was more than 20 minutes away from school, you’d instantly be struggling.

Your kids are eating without you needing to be involved, so you’ve got time to piss about on your phone.

And you have a partner at home who, even if he doesn’t get home for bedtime very often, might be of some comfort, support or even help in the evening. Maybe he might hang that load of washing, or make you a cup of tea, or check the PE kits on the odd occasion you’ve got more work to do.

Honestly your life sounds pretty smooth, well done you - but no wonder you’re struggling to empathise with others.

He’s not stupid. He won’t take a week off. Would OP do his job for a week? That’s a silly idea. He is choosing to be away from the family home. He’s missing out on golden time with his children and he won’t get that time back.

I ended up claiming carers allowance because I couldn't facilitate my sen child's needs around work I was collecting because he needed the toilet at one point and was in pain wouldn't go at the school of course by the time he came home and I had got him to the toilet it was too late or extremely difficult to return him to the school he finally got into a special school for secondary but then my dad was unwell so I was caring for him too....he has died now everyone is expecting me to leap back into work

It's almost like no-one sees you when your seeing to everyone else

Is that with wraparound or breakfast/after school club?
We can't drop off till 9am and I have to pick up at 2.40pm to avoid the busy end of day meltdown time. They don't offer any wraparound or breakfast/after school clubs.

What do you do in school holidays and the 6 weeks?

Did you have this job before having dc? How many years have you worked for them? Was they flexible from the start?

Apologies if you've already answered any of this just genuinely curious how others have made it work.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease you work incredibly close to school (!) and your child must be in after school club if you get him/her as late as 3:50. You are in a very privileged situation.

It all looks good on paper and it is great that you work for a company so close to the school. Very few people I would say have that sort of commute and if they have to rely on public transport that can add another hour to the commute if things go wrong and then you are looking at wrap around care which if I added that into the equation it can be not worth going to work.

It is great that the company you work for isn’t bothered about the law so I wouldn’t rely on their insurance if you had an accident on sight.
It sounds like you are organised and everything runs like clockwork. You don’t have undiagnosed ADHD, Autism and dyslexia
You have dc who don’t get ill or have accidents in school and don’t have undiagnosed ADHD, Autism and dyslexia (all now diagnosed) and are capable of doing the homework set without hours of input from you

The very fact you have their PE kits and presumably all their uniform to lay out and they haven’t come running out of school with a PE bag that is missing the shorts and only has one shoe in it. (I had to check everything before we left the school and would spend a lot of time going in looking through the cloakrooms and trying to find the missing stuff or even making sure they had their reading book or homework with them (try doing comprehension homework with a child that can’t read or write)

Then you get home and find that they not only have the shorts on but also have someone else’s clothes on.

Not everyone has children who can be left alone to eat and not start a food fight or feed everything to the dog or when in bed and you think are asleep they have decided to pull a thread on the carpet and pulled it and pulled it till there is about 70 feet of thread that they have tied or looped round door handles, window latches and drawer knobs and then taken all their clothes out of said drawers and hung them on the washing lines they had created

I didn’t watch tv for years, never mind had time to scroll on my phone.

I think you need to appreciate what you have and not think that what you have is easy for everyone else to do. Not everyone has the same opportunities or is the same as you and even if you had started your life from 0 you would still be ahead of a lot of people

I drop dc1 at childcare at 8:20 then I drop dc2 and 3 at school at 8:30 then I park at home as there’s no parking by then near the train station and I catch the train in and if I don’t miss my train I get to work at about 9:30. There’s some obvious privilege for you. Then if I’m not there by 3:15 I pay for after school care or someone to collect. Dh (he left the house at 6) collects from after school care and starts dinner. I get home by about 7 and nobody has put washing on because nobody has had a spare second in the day so far. We get the dc through bath etc and doing their reading, make sure they have stuff out for the next day do bedtimes, clean up, go gym, put a load of washing on or fold washing about 10pm, I do some evening meetings at least once a week, 10pm tonight for example,(is that what I’m supposed to call out as I’m “allowed” to do?)
it’s not easy, but I do try not to be a superior twat. There’s no chill time, I couldn’t do it without my dh, and I’m rarely in bed before midnight.