DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Sorry, why is she a "carer" to her kids? Only one has SEN.

Because you've decided she is?

She's a parent. Yes. But considering she can't function with 30 free hours to herself a week, to manage what other people just do outside their full time jobs, it sounds like it's an OP problem as opposed to anything else.

I appreciate you are "NewSENMum" however, I am two decades experienced SEN mum. Yes kids are different, but it's tedious when people instantly have to insist how unimaginably impossible a child is, because they have SEN, and the parent is just some passenger along for a ride in which they just can't do anything other than drown. Yes it's tough. But god forbid you just get on with it. Most of us do. Without 30 free hours a week while someone else pays all our bills.

I would think someone with SEN children would be more sympathetic. It's worrying that we can't support someone going through similar issues.
Perhaps your child didn't have severe special needs, autism is huge spectrum. I have two children on the spectrum one is high functioning and will likely be able to live semi independently. My other child never will. He can't even manage half a day at school.
I would actually like to work but I can't because there are no jobs that fit in with my child.
I don't have any friends anymore as they don't understand the pressure I'm under, how constricted my life is. Now it appears other mums with SEN children also don't want to know either. Really sad

Gosh I didn’t quite expect the nastiness off so many other women. Everyone who knows me says they take their hat off to me and don’t know how I do it all so that’s where my frustration lies that everyone else can see it but he can’t.
The 45mins was an example of what I do as soon as I get in not that it was all I do all day. I do the hours of a full time job when you take into account before school and after school mixed in with WW3 fights between the kids as “they stuck their tongue out at me mum” etc. Often when I get back from a morning school run I’m done in due to the kids not wanting to get up and dressed, SEN one being totally dysregulated and then winding the other 2 up. I take them to school as the SEN one is a runner and often won’t get out the car and then will hide behind the fence not wanting to go in so some mornings has to be walked in by staff members. The reception age kid is very clingy to me and I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting them in a taxi to get to school as most mornings they are sobbing about leaving me. The SEN is a very bright kid who can cope in mainstream if things are in place to support them with changes as that’s what they can’t handle. They have an EHCP as when they really can’t cope with change and hasn’t been prepped they self harm which is awful as a parent to witness and we are all working on strategies to stop it getting to that point.
The volunteer thing is the only adult interaction I have all week and is difficult to step away from as I set it up. It doesn’t cause me stress as others help too so if I have to be called away I don’t need to worry about getting into trouble with a boss. It felt like a good thing to keep for when I do eventually go back intro work due to all the skills it involves and that it’s been on the BBC news for the impact it’s had and been spoken about in parliament.
We used to have a cleaner who did 3 hours but never got it all done even with her quick speed so it takes me 4 to 4.5 hours to do if I actually do everything so that’s a day gone. She stopped doing cleaning and the others I tried were so bad I just got cross that I was paying for someone to clean but then still cleaning after they had left as they had missed really obvious things. I’m not as fast as I’m tired as I’m awake most nights with the reception kid and/or SEN kid.
I don’t get evenings as I said kids don’t go to bed well, SEN one especially…..9.45/10.15 most nights they have finally switched off. Middle one is fine at bed, youngest isn’t and myself and their teachers are starting to wonder if they are showing signs of SEN.
I just seem to have non stop admin tasks that take up most of the hours I have in the day. I guess when I had the conversation with DH it was the run up to Christmas so me doing all the presents, card writing and sending, planning Santa visits, things to do over the break, food plan for the break etc. But then since then it’s just been relentless things that have all taken up time e.g a load of plumbing went wrong in the house so me finding plumbers and getting visits and quotes, my car broke, car insurance renewals, breakdown renewals, friends birthday gift sending. I plan all the meals and do online shops but that takes over an hour to come up with meals that suit what we are doing and then click all the buttons to order. Delivery acceptance probably takes 20mins a week. Changing beds with the stripping, making, washing is a good hour (doesn’t help that 2 of the beds are cabin beds so a pain to get up there and change so slows me down). Im
just burnt out and was frustrated to not have him appreciate that I do E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

@TeaDoesntSolveEverything
It's clear that you are doing your utmost and I completely sympathise. Just remember that the person criticising you from his pedestal, is only able to do so because he doesn't comprehend all that you have to do, and alone, and he would never be able to do what you do. I agree with you hanging onto your voluntary project, even if it takes time, it sounds like it brings a bit of sanity to the proceedings.
I'm not sure what the answer to immediately resolve things is in the short term, other than to find small practical fixes and solutions where you can to help things run more smoothly, and if he won't help - use family funds to buy in help and assistance where you can. And have a think about the long term.
Wishing you all the very best OP x

I had sympathy (and still do to an extent as your husband sounds awful) until you said that the before, during and after school stuff adds up to a full time job. Yes your mornings and evenings are intense, but a lot of us do that and work. And no, it's not a race to the bottom, but it's also life with kids, Sen or not.

I mean, I have 1 kid with (mild) Sen and 1 with disabilities. Morning with struggles and disregulation and feel done in by the time we've driven them to school. Home and crack on with work. Pick up the one who is on a part time timetable, do further educational stuff at home. Other kid back, dinner, clubs, get youngest to bed, laptop back on for 3 hours more work, groceries ordered. Eldest doesn't go to sleep till nearly 11 because of ADHD, co-sleep with youngest.

You have it tough, but I don't know any parent who has it easy tbh.

I take my hat off to you 🫶🏼
Big respect.
I really didn't mean my comment to be rude earlier, I just was stuck for words at the time and unfortunately that's what came out.
I know a lot of high needs Nd families and I understand how it is for you and you're doing a bloody great job!! x

Can you show him this? Not the whole thread but this comment.... Maybe it'll make him think about the situation and decide to help support you more some how

And if it is an OP problem, if she is less able to cope than some others, if her circumstances are harder than they appear on an anonymous message board, then do you think you’re making any positive difference by being so harsh? She mentioned having a breakdown, she has mentioned struggling. If she’s less capable than you, less willing to ‘just get on with it’ then that’s a green light for you to lay into her? Such a weird attitude.

This exactly.

What other SEN parents just get on with, is a "full time job" for OP. But you can't point it out, that just means you simply can't comprehend how difficult SEN children can be.

She's completely avoidant to any suggestion that she's got it really rather easy with 30hrs to herself each week. That other people do all that and more, in the hours outside school, and would be frankly laughing if they had no job and could do all their housework and admin that OP does in her hours and hours of free time. But again, OP calls people nasty for having this very common opinion.

And of course people say how they don't know how you do it. They're not going to say otherwise to your face, especially when you won't hear anything other than how incredibly hard you have it.

Her husband hasn't got any respect for her, that's true though.

Yes, it would be more of an idea, as many people have pointed out, with almost the equivalent of full time hours, at home, unemployed, to work out why she is struggling with the standard chores that most parents complete in the hours outside of their jobs. Including SEN parents.

I can’t quite believe my eyes reading this!

You seriously think every child with significant SEN is in an appropriate care setting in the UK? Of course they aren’t! That is why the majority of parents are struggling so much in the first place bc their dc aren’t coping where they are, and we deal with the fallout at home.

God are you still going? Jeez, you deserve a day off.

I read it that OP had to be at school 18 tines due to issues with her autistic child.

So "we" both work full time. So you are not basically a lone parent are you. And are any of your 3 children autistic/SEN and regularly need collecting from school when not coping? Think the OP would love to swap lives with you for a week for some respite 🤬

Gosh OP some of these posts are really insensitive.

You have three dc under 7 one with SEN and another suspected. Your DH works away for weeks at a time and you have no family etc help!

Those sprouting flexible work hours…….

my friend has a DC in reception. They are on the pathway to being diagnosed. Her employer has not been flexible, to the point that they have only given her ‘flexible ‘ working for a short period….even though the school expects the DC to be collected at lunchtime.

And again…..the OPS DH works away. Living as single man.

my child has SEN. The meltdowns are not just tantrums that you can soothe easily. These last for hours and are exhausting when it’s daily!

Next time post on the SEN board….. you will get more understanding posts.

I’m so sorry you’ve had these responses OP.

I have 3 young children and a H who works away and it’s shit. It’s just relentless. People who are in this situation but have family help, or claim to be in this situation but then divulge that their DC is actually 20, such as @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease with her ‘2 decades parenting experience’ have no idea.

I think you are doing amazing 💐

This poster’s ‘child’ is an adult as she has divulged, so unless she now suddenly has two SEN children one being 7 🙄🧐 no she had no idea.

She’s just being unpleasant by trying to make OP feel shit.

If OP has a child who cannot be reliably left in school during the day, then I don't see how she can also get a job. No employer is so flexible that they would allow her to frequently go into school to support her child. And that's before you get into the time off that parents need for sickness etc.
I also think that caring for a child who has SEN is relentless and exhausting mentally and I'm not surprised she is struggling - the dad is largely absent and seemingly no help when he is there!

I honestly think he needs to get a job closer to home - he's got 3 kids and it's time he started parenting them. It's not fair that OP does all this alone and he doesn't even appreciate it.

On a practical note I'd try again with a cleaner and would outsource as much as possible

She has 25 hours at home. So including travel to supposed work she would scrape 20 hours at work.
This is supposing she can find a mythical 10am - 2pm job which is term time only.

Doing this mythical job would leave her with absolutely zero time to get anything else done, because she has no support evenings or weekends. It would push her closer to breakdown. Why are you advocating for that?

You say you worked full time in the same set up. Who took your kids to school and picked them up? Who had them in the holidays? Not you, with full time work. So who?

A childminder with 3 spaces including one SEN won’t exist.
A nanny would negate the wage.
OP has no family support.
There’s no dad here to do it.

If you worked full time in the same set up, you did it with support. OP doesn’t have support. So you weren’t the same.

Also to finally add OP - if part of your 5 hours a day includes an hour to collapse on the sofa alone, then do not feel guilty for this. Your H will have more than an hour leisure time every evening. We all need it and so do you.

Right, and I can just magic up the correct setting can I? We live in a decent size city, I have visited over 30 schools, we can afford private…..but the only school that will take him and that we feel has a fair chance at meeting his needs is the one he is at. If they tell him to leave we will have to home educate, I don’t have any other options left.

So yes when they call me and tell me to come in, I’m going to go in. If they think I’m not cooperating or not helping to support him within the school then they’re going to say they can’t meet need and we’ll have to withdraw him (private school).

I suppose the struggle will be finding a job to fit into the school hours.
OP, what do you do when the kids are in school? I recognise needing to sit with a cuppa for an hour to chill after the morning madness, but what does the rest of the day look like?

One child is 17. The others are in primary.

But it's clear we like to cherry pick whatever can possibly make OPs situation sound impossible.

She's confirmed this is not the case. It's some of that, and some stuff like nativitys.

In fact she hasn't confirmed that she's had to "rush in to deal with meltdowns" again that's other posters who always have to quickly insist how horrendous a situation must be because I one of her 3 children has SEN. Could just be "can you pop in to talk about Johnny later please" but we have to ignore that perfectly likely possibility, of course.