DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

My experience is up to 4 years ago with state school/college if that helps.

My god! Some of these posts!

Unless you have a child with SEN, you just don’t understand how difficult it is. I have a child with SEN (who refuses to go school) and when they did attend, I got constant calls to come and collect them. Although my child is secondary aged, I do understand @TeaDoesntSolveEverything the amount of patience etc. I also understand your desire to do the voluntary work. It’s your way of doing something for yourself and makes you feel like a person in your own right!

My DH works away during the week. He appreciates that he would not be able to progress in his career, if l wasn’t here looking after the DC. He also knows the importance of giving me time off, so will on occasion go away for the weekend or he’ll come home and do the ECA with my youngest child.

@TeaDoesntSolveEverything IMO your DH is selfish and very arrogant. He is away, he works yes but then he doesn’t have to grapple with dinner/bedtimes and meltdowns.

He also does not have to contend with the phone calls from the school (probably the EHCP paperwork) and the daily drudge of being home with no family/outside help.

sending you my best OP

I agree you in a way have quite a lot of time while they are at school but once you are overwhelmed and burnt out then it maybe isn't enough. I would say simplify whatever you can (cleaner, meal boxes, lower standards, drop clubs or activities that are a real pain travel or time wise...) and focus on stuff that makes you feel good. Do some exercise preferably outside everyday even a short walk. Book a holiday for the Easter break that will be something that gives you a break

Burn out is real @TeaDoesntSolveEverything and the fact that your DH doesn’t understand is frankly ghastly.

I understand you finding the thought of returning to work overwhelming. But seeing as you don’t currently work, and all of your children are in school, what is it about your day to day life that is making you feeling so broken? Wha are the things that you are falling behind on?

A tit keeping five people.
I would pack it in.

HE ISN'T AT HOME THAT OFTEN!!
So where does 50/50 come in?

And as a matter of interest, do you have a SEN child?

3 of whom are his children

Or do they need to be sent up chimneys to contribute?

You can't start a new job and expect your employer to let you leave each time you have to go and pick your child up. New employees aren't going to last if they can't do a hours they're contracted for.
And if she's working when she meant to go to appointments etc. I used to work 8-6 which is pretty standard in my job so when would you suggest I went for appointments?
Or should I expect my brand new employer to give me time off for that too?

With an understanding employer?

With an employer who complies with the law.
https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants
https://www.acas.org.uk/time-off-for-dependants

You can if they comply with the law. If the do not, then you can report them.
https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Flexible, zero hours, part-time, self employment - all options for parents who struggle to work regular hours.

Instead of negatively looking for issues, how about positive suggestions?

Possibly.
😆😁
I know you are very sensible (as for how family men should perform) etc.

Playing devils advocate, did he possibly mean that as you don’t have paid work that you don’t have specific set deadlines to get things done by, when you said you’re falling behind with things?
I fully get what you’re saying, my husband works 80 hours per week and we have 3 kids. I often feel similar to you in that I have so much to do and feel like I can’t get it done. But maybe that’s what he meant, at least I hope he did as otherwise he’s a douche!
My husband used to say things like “BUT I WORK!!” We’d have a good laugh as he picked his broken teeth up off the floor 😉

They can also sack you during your probation if they feel you aren't fulfilling your job requirements. In fact isn't it still the case you can be sacked within two years for no reason?Leave for dependents has to be reasonable and leaving early multiple times a week isn't.
You are really lucky to have an understanding employer who doesn't mind but most will.
Depends on the job if you can work flexibly or from home or whatever.
That's not being negative just realistic.

Some people are forgetting that even if the op is able to get some kind of job and force her kid into a childcare option that will take him/her this may not actually be the best thing for the child. And the pay will probably be less than the cost of childcare (and everyone’s mental and physical health).

Making a woman even more stressed and miserable and potentially causing longterm problems for a child who is NOT typical just so she has a tiny bit of paid work is the opposite of feminism imo.

Woman - Im at breaking point.

Mumsnet - Well get another job on top of that.

I didn't mean you!

Reasonable adjustments for individuals with disabilities applies when the worker is a parent of a child with disabilities.
When an employer must make reasonable adjustments
The law (Equality Act 2010) says that employers must make reasonable adjustments for:

• employees and workers
• contractors and self-employed people hired to personally do the work
• job applicants

Can you pinpoint some of the main difficulties / pinch points in your normal life so we can better understand how to give suggestions?

Is it that there aren't enough hours in the day to keep on top of stuff while the kids are at school? Or is it dealing with the kids on your own before and after school is difficult no matter how much you have in place? Is there anything your DH can do, or that money can do?

It sounds like you are struggling and the last thing you need is to be told to get a job. However, you are finding a significant amount of time to volunteer so that perhaps gives the impression you are on top of things.

My eldest dd has ASD but was able to cope with the right childcare, for which I have always been very grateful, as I could carry on working and that really saved my sanity (amongst other benefits). It is certainly very hard having SEN children who can't manage childcare.

I actually would make sure you keep the volunteering activity, it is probably a break for you, adult company, a chance to feel appreciated outside of being a mother and beneficial for your mental health.

Also is there room in your budget for you to get a cleaner once a week or fortnightly to lighten the load?

If you feel the relationship with your husband is worth keeping, as you are essentially single anyway but without any of the advantages, then I would have a serious discussion about his work choices.

He is behaving just like a single man with no responsibilities - you don't get married and have three children then rack off and work abroad on your own, indefinitely. Who does that?!

I don't know what career is so specialized that no version of it exists in the UK - even if he's an astronaut, the right thing to do would be to take a different job so that he can actually participate in the family he has created.

My husband, like many parents, remains in a job that is boring with no progression because it is secure and flexible so that he can put in a shift at home. Most people have to make some kind of choice whether to go all in 100% on a stellar career that may involve travel, crazy hours etc and those people often don't have children, and others would like to work but stay home to parent because that's how they feel they can best meets their children's needs. Your husband, having his cake and eating it whilst leaving you struggling, is selfish.

As others have said, I don't know why anyone would have a second or third child with a man who clearly wasn't pulling their weight and barely sees them, but you are where you are so all you can do is structure your life the best way you can from here.

You're about the fifth person who's asked this.

Whilst I'm not giving specific details out about my children, with regards to SEN, one is diagnosed and another is under assessment at the school's instruction.

So yes, I have very similar, or in fact on paper, more challenging set up to OP. And hold a full time job, as opposed to 30 child free hours to myself whilst someone else pays all my bills.

Exactly this.

If your child is having this many actual emergencies that a parent has to be called to attend with immediate effect, as opposed to "we need to discuss this can you come in" then your child isn't in the appropriate setting.

You must be very then how extremely diffident the needs can be. Are your children coping in full time school? Good for you!

So op should suffer more because you have to work? She’s a carer to her kids.

Yep. And the majority of sen kids arent. That’s our current crisis. Why a lot of us cant work.