DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

From OP original post: "DH has always worked away and was only home weekends ... but now works abroad and only home here and there ... it's been like that for 1.5 years".

Someone's having a problem reading OP's posts raspberets but it's not me.

Agreed. People dont understand how hard it is. Ive been looking for decent sen childcare for over a year now…

@TeaDoesntSolveEverything there are some nasty people on here. You do have a job, you are the mostly sole parent of 3 children.
That said, priorities are a factor. I would see 1.5 days a week on a voluntary activity as excessive if you're overwhelmed and exhausted with everything else. Your DH's comment is not really unfair in that context, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Working would be a challenge without a good support network although tbh it would probably be good for you to be more financially independent.
Otherwise it does look as though you need to use your time at home more efficiently. To be honest you should have more than enough time to do the essential household stuff whilst the dc are in school unless you live in a mansion! Holidays are a different matter of course, and maybe that's when your mostly absent DH sees most chaos.

I’ve got SEN kids with significant needs and I’m a lone working parent - we’re not all on benefits

Im not on benefits either because my husband has a high paying job. We’re all different. Like other humans basically.

You might as well be single, how could it be worse for you than it already is, other than financially?

Read the first post again.

OP your H is a tit.

Unless they were emergency pick-ups, then you do what every other working parent does and request school makes the appointment on a day/time when you're not working. If they are genuine emergencies, you arrange suitable leave with your employer.

Can you scale back the volunteering when the kids are off school?

Financially is a big thing! Imagine all this plus having to worry about getting all the bills paid all in your own

Plus even having someone to talk to is a big thing.

OP can’t compare her situation to someone with the 3 kids (1 of who is SEND) and is single

I absolutely agree with everything you say but to work away so much it means DH must has a well paid job.

Its likely that he’ll take a huge pay cut to work in this country (if he’s a pilot for example then it would be difficult to get a job in the same field even).
So OP is going to have to find FT work to cover this and if they don’t make the same amount as before then they’re going to have the additional stress of struggling to pay bills etc on top.

If they both work FT then there is 0 downtime at all for either of them - but sharing the load may outweigh this.

If she works PT then she’d obviously have to do the majority of the housework and parenting etc - possibly feeling more overwhelmed.
But it maybe that her MH improves by working and having some purpose.

I don’t know what the solution is but right now OP has 6 hours to herself 5x a week - which hardly anyone has.
She also has no financial worries.

I would just think very carefully before she makes any big changes by thinking that the grass is greener.

Next time he's due for a stint at home, immediately book yourself in for a little mini break by yourself. Stick around for 24 hours just to be polite, make sure he's up to speed with where the PE kits and lunch boxes are etc, then off you pop for three days solid, preferably during school term time. That way he can experience the pressure of sticking to their usual daily routine and also get some 'down time' in between school runs to put a wash on and prep the evening meal.

Then tell him you'll have a conversation about getting a job, but only if he changes job so he's based at home full time.

What are you doing just for YOU op? You can't pour from an empty vessel.

Start from here and refill your cup.

P.s forget the job comment/issue. This was said by someone with a job and absolutely no other responsibilities who clearly has no idea just how may balls you are juggling 🙄

I get what you are saying that change won't necessarily be better. Im not sure op wants change though, she just wants acknowledgement from her husband.

It's her partner and lots of mumsnetter that want change and for her to work, but without her dh making any changes at all.

And I agree lots of people dont have a middle day break, but she would lose that if she works, and the important person here is her partner who is getting evenings and weekends off. So i dont quite get why people are pushing for her to not get a break but thinking all those lovely evening and weekends are not negotiable.

My dh actually wasnt on a really high salary for working abroad, plus we has two sets of housing costs to cover. He actually used his abroad experience to get a better paid job in the uk. But thats personal. Lives vary so much so maybe he isnt able to return to the uk but he shouldn't resent her getting a break when he does.

Do you have a child with additional needs?

You have to advocate for them so much. If you leave it to school to re arrange the meeting it maybe be months down the line or not even happen. It's taken us nearly 4 years to get any support in place only recently have we finally got a diagnosis, we still don't have a ehcp. My child still doesn't have a one to one support.

There can be multiple emergencies weekly because they are very vunerable in a place that often doesn't support them adequately. Staff can see them have one good day and push them for more seemingly forgetting about their reasonable adjustments. If you push a child that's just about tolerating making it in to school with the bright lights uncomfortable environment endless noise and low key 24 7 bullying that you don't even understand is happening but cant work out why your friends are tripping you up or preventing you from using the toilet. You reach a point where you stop going full stop. You move heaven and earth not to get to that point because burn out takes months to recover from and all trust is lost in the school environment. So everything has the potential to be an emergency if you don't respond. If you've just managed to get a part time job that you need to prove yourself at the rest of the time you're trying to put out small fires to keep your child at school.
(Spoiler alert i had to give up my part time job)

The families I see that manage both parents working have a grandparent who will share the load of emergencies, meetings,appointments. Or they work for themselves/senior roles that allow a lot of flexibility.

The next time he is home you need to book yourself into a hotel for some days away or go visit family. He needs to experience what you are living. And it will give you a respite.

he’s a selfish arsehole

Works away, and now works abroad and rarely comes home - lets be honest; you don't have a marriage. That is no way for family life or for a marriage to be. He is living the single life abroad and getting up to no good (and you know it), where as you are basically a single mum. Get out of this joke of a 'marriage', you don't have a marriage anyway as it is.

Is that what you do when the school calls about your child with SEN?

So he takes 2 weeks off work and does all the childcare and domestics while you have a full break away from the house. That will kill 2 birds with one stone. You get a break he gets a wake up call.

Also - get a cleaner. You may need a divorce as well.

First you need to make sure you have finance in the future and a pension. DH can pay into a pension for you. You can make sure your money is paying into a pension. You should not use your money to run the home that is for DH.

Get a cleaner once or twice a week.

You have to ignore his comments about you not having a job so you shouldn't be tired. If you did leave him home alone with the DCs he would do nothing, probably spend the day watching tv so there's no hope of him understanding how busy you are. But you have to toughen up and not be pressured into taking on more. You might be happier with a job and a nanny watching the DCs, you could tell him that it wil be another ?30,000K+ a year for a childminder or nanny and is he happy to pay that.
But get a cleaner, regular babysitter, whatever is needed to give you a break.

Yes, it's what I used to do when the school called about my SEN DS, from infants through to secondary, during the periods when I was working (only short periods not working during school ages for both DS).

I think if you are physically and mentally broken as you say you are in your OP, then the day and a half of voluntary work needs to go for the sake of you and your family.

I do voluntary work periodically so know how important it is, but sometimes I have to step back from it when I have a lot of other stuff going on.

Likewise, if your DH wants you to start working to bring in some more income then that’s another reason you need to stop the voluntary work. You can’t expect someone to financially support you in order for you to do voluntary work, that’s unfair.

I’m sure once you stop the voluntary work, you’ll have some breathing space and a chance to reset. You do have a significant amount of time without the children around and once you get organised, you’ll feel much better and may be able to jump back into volunteering or maybe work part time.

To be fair, that’s what I had to do. (2 with disabilities/SEN)

Interesting and you found that was effective? Is this recent? State school?