DH said he wanted to be SAHP, but he may be regretting it

[IdontlikeVimto]

I'm recently returned to work, we have a 9 month old baby. I'm the higher earner, always have been, in quite a high pressure job. DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income. We couldn't live off what he earns on an annualised basis without making drastic changes to living arrangements.
When I was on mat leave, I proposed getting a nanny for DC, for greatest flexibility. DH was v firmly against the idea of another person spending so much 'parenting' time with DC. Said he would prefer to do it and take DC to a creche for a couple of mornings a week. So this is the plan.
Only now we are a few months in to the arrangement (I did some PT work over the summer) both of us are unhappy tired and snappy.
DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list. If I don't, he comes back with cake and cheese, and stacks of Ella sachets for DC. We have cleaners. I know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps.
If I WFH I am interrupted all day. If I so much as appear in the kitchen for a cup of tea I am left with baby while he 'just does X' which turns into half an hour to 2 hours. If I stay in study, DH and DC appear regularly to talk to me because bored. If I say you need to leave me alone I am told off for being snappy.
If I go to the office I am chased from lunchtime onwards about when I am coming home because he wants his evening free for hobby, and to ask me what do I want to do about dinner. Unless I shop or plan for it, it's takeaway. 80% of the meals I prepare.
He is miserable about not having any of "his own" income and gets frustrated about not being to do any work while looking after DC!! But I am putting a large amount of additional money in joint account each month (far more than I'd pay a blooming nanny) to cover his usual pension contributions etc.
I am miserable because I feel like I have all the pressure of return to work, big job, sole breadwinner plus more than 50% of the home jobs outside daytime child care. Im still BF and having to fit that or pumping around work as well. Am i wrong to expect a little more support from my DH? Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?
I'm regularly turning off laptop at midnight and feel like i have no time for myself anymore. DH says he supports me in doing exercise but in reality he prioritises his own hobbies before mine. And his life admin before my work responsibilities- tomorrow I have baby all morning because he has an app with hygienist!! Because of that I'll be working til midnight again 😩
Has anyone navigated this stuff with a DP and what worked for you without having a mega falling out?

DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby.

I'm sorry op, but this man has shown you exactly who he is from the very beginning, yet you still chose to have a baby with him.

You have cleaners and he is still refusing to do fuck all whilst you handle everything. He is a cocklodger, pure and simple. A selfish, self-absorbed manchild.

This marriage is already over. I suggest you don't waste anymore time with him.

Insist on a nanny or a nursery. Your DH needs to go back to work properly

know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps

You do not because unless there’s something seriously wrong with your baby that is untrue.

He sounds utterly feckless.

I don’t have any advice or suggestions that don’t involve access to a working time machine.

I wonder how you can be in a relationship with such a sub-standard man, though.

Wow, what a complete man child! How do you have any respect for him as a partner?

Get a nanny and tell him to either start pulling his weight or get the hell out of the house.

I’d organize alternative childcare and ask your DH to take on enough work to pay for it. This just isn’t feasible.

Get him employed firstly and then consider if he is a value add in your life.

He’s just work-shy, isn’t he?

He didn’t care for working for money and he doesn’t care for doing the work of physically caring for a baby or looking after a house.

I don’t think that’s fixable. All you can do is work out how to pay people to take up the slack he’ll never take up.

get a nanny/nursery!
I'm 11 years on from this. DP won't work. He does very little around the house- no life admin - even when DS was little he was at nursery 3 days a week (DP needed a break!) - now DS is at school .very independent and DP still won't work.
Its totally destroyed our relationship - i have zero respect for him and tbh I think he'd have been a lot happier working if he hadn't stopped. when i have thought of leaving i've been concerned over the fact he's primary carer..

@Notcreativeatall you was born by yourself remember that. Leave life's too short for this shit I say that as a single mum you will manage.

What does he think about the current arrangement in terms of work loads?

it does sound like he’s work shy and selfish. But some if the things you’ve said sound unrealistic. If hes only recently taken on the care of baby then he won’t be in a great routine. His job whilst you’re at work is the baby - washing, cleaning and cooking are nice extras that he should be getting a chance to do some of but very unlikely to do all of.
I’m trying to remember back to 9 months. It would have driven me a bit crazy if my DH had refused to say when he was coming home as I’d not have known what to do about food. And at that age you can’t leave them on their own to do loads of jobs. I always kept on top of the laundry but some days DH would walk into a prepared tea and relatively organised house and on bad days he’d walk into a bomb site with lunch stuff still everywhere let alone tea prepared.

He’s a cock lodger. Any job which doesn’t pay the bills is also a hobby, so he had 2 hobbies and now he only has one. Looking after a baby and running a household is a full time job and certainly I’d be fully expecting him to pick up the majority of the housework and life admin. It looks like he’s basically ducked out of family life in favour of you facilitating his hobby. If you want to stay with him you’ll need a hard talk with him, and a list of what he’s supposed to do, and a few strong words about not being disturbed when you’re working from home. He’s taking advantage and he needs a good kick up the hole, OP. It must be rubbish to watch the man you loved turning into such a limp biscuit.

He's lazy.

Is the baby sleeping through? Because nine months without sleep can make you like a zombie.

So you are in a high pressured job, earning a high salary but supporting a man child too!

you need to have a serious talk with him and explain everything you have here

sure it is very hard caring for a baby full time and looking after the home - you should expect to help out somewhere once you get through the door but at the moment he is taking advantage of you

the situation cannot continue as it is and I’m not sure what his hobby is but it needs to take a back seat for now!!

he has gone back on his side of the deal so please think about hiring a nanny and letting him return to work ASAP

I do suspect this man is used to getting his own way with you though so he prepared to kick back when he lays out his demands

it sounds like life would be cheaper without him, especially if he paid you maintenance

As usual, MN resort to telling you to leave him, without trying to fix the situation whatsoever. 🙄

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him? You said you think he might be regretting being a SAHP. Have ye not talked to each other about how you are feeling?

In his defence I find it impossible to do a grocery shop with a baby! But the rest he defo should be helping with. I think your best starting point is just talking to each other calmly. You need more from him, he might want an opt out of SAHP...

This makes me feel very scared for your mental health, you will burn out and be no good to anyone.

He sounds just awful and I've been in your position, it made me sick to the stomach walking back into my own house after a day and evening at work, because I knew I was walking into my 2nd job, being mum, cleaner,cook organiser, manager.

Then he'd want sex 🤣

It's draining, exhausting and you will break as it's totally unsustainable.

He has a choice really get a full time paid job or pack his bags, as he's clearly not fit for being a SAHD.

You know what made me just livid, the fact my DH was stealing my time with my DS as doing such a crappy lazy job with them. He stole my parenting time because he couldn't contribute to the family finances which meant I was a part time mum, but then he proceeded to do a shit job of being a dad.

I'm so glad you've posted now and got the amazing replies and hope you do action something, because unfortunately this situation will only get worse.

Good luck

Nursey! Drop the child off in the morning. Pick them up later. Use a nanny for when you are working late.

9 month old babies only nap for a couple of hours each day. If he's spending the other, say, 10 hours a day that you're out of the house in sole charge of a baby with no other support or adult company ... then it can be hellishly boring and draining.

It sounds like he regrets his decision to be a sahp and wishes he could go back to his old carefree childfree life where, for reasons I genuinely can't fathom, you indulged him and paid for everything while he fannied around with his hobbies.

You appear to have the traditional male mindset - I work and pay for everything, I don't want to be troubled by the baby or anything domestic when I'm working. Why should my partner get time to go to the dentist?! I work you know!! Get that baby out of my office I don't care if he wants to see me.

Etc.

Time for you both to wake up to the realities of having a family. Life is not the same as before. You are both unhappy. You've got to confront it and talk it through. This might be the impetus he needs to finally get paid, steady, meaningful work.

Funny how the responses are so different to the many on the same subject from women saying "I'm on maternity with my 9month old, and DH is complaining the housework isn't done, dinner isn't prepared and he won't even take a morning off so I can go to the dentist in peace"
To the pp who said "a job that doesn't pay the bills is a hobby" - do you say that to all the women working 1 day a week, or similar?
OP I think he's finding it harder than he expected and is not enjoying the isolation. It's often harder for men to get involved in classes and to build the social group around them that women do with a young baby. I suggest you both sit down and admit this isn't working for you. A compromise - perhaps 1 or 2 days/mornings in nursery would allow for him to either have hobby time or do some work. Or a Nanny and he has to ramp up his work. Put some boundaries in place about WFH and stick to them "remember we agreed you wouldn't interrupt" etc.

can you work elsewhere? Do you have a neighbour or friend willing to rent a room to you? somewhere you can get all your work done in one go 8-6 or whatever.

I think YABU to WFH with a baby in the house and expect to be uninterrupted. I would avoid working from home as much as possible. If you really are paying him more than a nanny then you should definitely get a nanny, but remember they won’t do shopping, cooking or washing for you either. It sounds like he needs to go back to work but this won’t solve your workload issues. What happens if you don’t do the shopping or prepare the meals? Do you all starve? Sometimes you have just got to stop doing things, if you want someone else to do them.

From your post, you can afford a nanny on your salary alone (if you're already putting an amount that would cover this in the joint account) and already have a cleaner.

I'd tell your DH that this arrangement isn't working for you, stop paying into the joint account and get a nanny. If you find a good one, they will make your life so much easier:

• Proper routine for the baby and baby taken for trips out and to classes, rather than hanging around the house.
• Proper boundaries in place for not interrupting your work.
• They would do nursery duties like washing clothes, preparing meals for the baby and keeping the baby's room tidy. Also, tidying up all toys and mess at the end of the day.
• You could come to an arrangement for 1-2 nights babysitting per week (even if just for a couple of hours after work) so you can get out and exercise.

On top of this, I'd get the shopping delivered, batch cook at weekends and just graze on picnic food or leftovers during the week...absolutely no need to cook every night, it's just another chore. You already do the laundry so no change there.

Once all this is organised, you'll probably be much happier. And at this point I'd be seriously questioning what the point of your husband is, to be honest.

DH was SAHP to our 3 DCs from when DC3 was 4 weeks old when I went back to work full time.

He looked on this as his job. He was good at it and took pride in it. When DC3 was tiny it was hard work. He did the vast majority of the housework so that at weekends we were free to do family things.

As DCs got older DH was able to spend more time on his hobbies (motorbike restoration and DIY) and go to the gym in the day time.

Now DCs are all adults I can see how much they benefited from DH being SAHP. They can all cook etc but they can all also do DIY!

Get a nanny. And possibly a divorce.