DH said he wanted to be SAHP, but he may be regretting it

[IdontlikeVimto]

I'm recently returned to work, we have a 9 month old baby. I'm the higher earner, always have been, in quite a high pressure job. DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income. We couldn't live off what he earns on an annualised basis without making drastic changes to living arrangements.
When I was on mat leave, I proposed getting a nanny for DC, for greatest flexibility. DH was v firmly against the idea of another person spending so much 'parenting' time with DC. Said he would prefer to do it and take DC to a creche for a couple of mornings a week. So this is the plan.
Only now we are a few months in to the arrangement (I did some PT work over the summer) both of us are unhappy tired and snappy.
DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list. If I don't, he comes back with cake and cheese, and stacks of Ella sachets for DC. We have cleaners. I know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps.
If I WFH I am interrupted all day. If I so much as appear in the kitchen for a cup of tea I am left with baby while he 'just does X' which turns into half an hour to 2 hours. If I stay in study, DH and DC appear regularly to talk to me because bored. If I say you need to leave me alone I am told off for being snappy.
If I go to the office I am chased from lunchtime onwards about when I am coming home because he wants his evening free for hobby, and to ask me what do I want to do about dinner. Unless I shop or plan for it, it's takeaway. 80% of the meals I prepare.
He is miserable about not having any of "his own" income and gets frustrated about not being to do any work while looking after DC!! But I am putting a large amount of additional money in joint account each month (far more than I'd pay a blooming nanny) to cover his usual pension contributions etc.
I am miserable because I feel like I have all the pressure of return to work, big job, sole breadwinner plus more than 50% of the home jobs outside daytime child care. Im still BF and having to fit that or pumping around work as well. Am i wrong to expect a little more support from my DH? Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?
I'm regularly turning off laptop at midnight and feel like i have no time for myself anymore. DH says he supports me in doing exercise but in reality he prioritises his own hobbies before mine. And his life admin before my work responsibilities- tomorrow I have baby all morning because he has an app with hygienist!! Because of that I'll be working til midnight again 😩
Has anyone navigated this stuff with a DP and what worked for you without having a mega falling out?

He obviously can't cope, no shame in that. Baby needs to go to paid childcare, he needs to get a job and you need couples therapy.

DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby.

Op, this tells you just what your h would be like! He's a lazy, selfish cocklodger. Why did you think he'd be any different with a baby??

What does he actually bring to your life?

I'd leave him.

If you want to stay, you need to sit down with him and spell out exactly what he shoukk K d be doing, including housework, cooking etc. You should have equal free time z

Posted too soon, sorry.

He's taking advantage of you, and doing a pretty shit job of looking after your baby.

I'd get a SHL and good financial advice, or even if you spilt up, you'll end up supporting him financially.

I think it’s some and some. It’s harder being at home with a
baby than some people think - and you’re in the house a lot more, so it won’t be spotless. And yes, a nanny will only look after the baby and won’t be doing your shopping and washing either. But come on! If you’re at home with a baby, it’s a breeze to get a grocery delivery whenever you need one (we are pretty remote and can usually get something for the next day), so there’s no excuse for not having food in the house. Should you expect a full roast dinner every night? No. But it’s hardly a big ask to expect him to sort out some spaghetti bolognese once in a while, or a quiche and some salad. Same with washing - it’s hardly a time consuming job to stick in a load. (Again - ironed sheets to hotel standard is a step too far, but it takes 30 seconds to shove them in the washer and dryer.)

I’d try and talk to him about it in the first instance and see if you can come to some sort of understanding. You need to understand that it’s not a bed of roses for him - but, equally, he needs to get that it’s bloody stressful being the main breadwinner and that you have it pretty tough as well. You need to be working as (and feel like) a team.

A nanny in my experience will care for the small child but also entertain the child, organise its activities, take care of its meals/laundry/room etc.

SAHPs often do a great deal more, especially as the child grows and becomes more predictable, which can reduce the overall load on a family. Then the division of home tasks should be more around enabling both parents to share the load and share the benefits (both financial and leisure).

If he can't properly shop for, feed, clothe and launder for the child, manage appointments and activities then he isn't a competent parent - both parents should be able to do that, whichever does it day to day.

The question is - why are you with someone who is a lousy partner, an inadequate parent and why are you happy to allow someone to care for your child who lacks the competence or will?

As SAHM I

do school drop offs, pick ups, make lunches, breakfasts for everyone, lunch and dinner for everyone or if I'm going out I prep and leave it.

do some work from home and bring in money for house stuff and daily expenses

do all food shopping and meal planning

do all laundry and folding and delivering clothes back

take child to all extra-curricular activities

keep house clean at all times

put away big food shop delivery

bathe and put child to bed every night after school

attend all parents evenings and school appointments

If he can't do all that suggest you stay home and he go out to work

I'd let him know very clearly that you're far from impressed. Give him clear boundaries around coming into office during the day. Say "no" politely but firmly every single time. But give him time to get it right. It's a big change that needs to be negotiated. Maybe see how things are in 3 months?

I know when my bf moves in he used to wander in when I was on zooms with clients. Because his work is different to mine he thought that was fine. Had to explain it wasn't but to be fair to him he listened and didn't do it ever again!

Also can you get to an office in the day? Just leave him to it! If there are jobs to do when you get back tell him you're doing them together. Or just leave them if possible.

If this doesn't work then you need to tell him to get back to work and get a nanny.

As things are you'd be better off without him if you think about it! You'd be much better off with taking your baby to a nursery in the morning, having a clear day to work, picking them up at 6 and then maybe having a baby sitter a few nights a week for "overflow" work. Then he would take baby every other weekend giving you time to chill and get work done. Sounds better than what you currently have!

This will not work- when your LO starts walking and needing more activity and drops naps he won’t step up. On top of a stressful job you will be worried about your toddler being stuck watching the tv.

Thinking about it, the situation will become worse once baby is a toddler and starts walking and drops naps.

He's not well suited to it, you're struggling. I'd have a nice conversation say that you've noticed he's unhappy about not earning, say that you're finding it hard to juggle working and additional childcare. Say you've done the sums and a nanny would be cheaper than what he could earn.

Play it nicely for now, but do get childcare in place. Longer he is sole carer on paper, it will be more difficult for custody and maintenance for you if you separate.

But if you go back to the previous status quo, maybe things will improve.

Oh my god ,what have I read ,what lazy selfish man .
get him working full time ,no huge gaps for hobbies..full time work and 50% share of housework and baby at weekends.
do not put up with this a second longer ..poor baby ,probably just watching tv when awake ..mine certainly didn’t sleep all day at 9 months ,they one daytime nap ,and were active at groups ,swimming ,park ,every day was different
I feel so sorry for your baby

Open your eyes.

He doesn't want to be a sahp. He doesn't want 'time with the baby'. He wants an easy life, you paying for everything, doing or outsourcing everything and him doing fuck all.

We tried this it didn't work ended putting baby in nursery. I would do the same. You don't need the stress when you are trying to work. I wouldn't be too hard on him looking after a baby is significantly demanding. But if he isn't up to it get childcare

Being a SAHP is hard and often boring, personally I think it's harder than being at work.

I can understand that your DH might wish to reassess the arrangement as you would too.

A SAHP should be shopping, meal planning, doing laundry. I did all this and also had time for a nap on the sofa whilst my DC napped.

It is hard to get to the dentist etc, it needs to be planned in advance. Everything is a juggle of priorities

Sounds like a talk is needed, to say it isn't working for you both and some clear expectation setting, and role definitions. I'd say the same if it were a reverse on the sexes too.

Also ,remember the parent who looks after the child the most usually gets custody…get baby in childcare ,or get a nanny ,don’t just go for a divorce or he gets u paying him to sit at home watching tv with your baby and u get access

I think it's hard to know what it's like to be a SAHP until you actually do it. Maybe he honestly thought it was like the career breaks he had? I've heard women have grand plans for maternity like repainting, writing a book etc but we all know that's unlikely to be achieved.
I am not an organised person but had did all weekend dinners and laundry without any problem. Depending on the layout of your house, is it ok to do those noisy chores? Going to a supermarket was a major reason for me to get out of the house with a baby. Strange how women research recipes and learn about gadgets like slow cookers to make things easier (sometimes I would prep the slow cooker over afternoon nap and eat about 7)
It sounds like this situation was inevitable though. He has worked with big gaps but had you subsidising his hobbies which makes him less likely to go back. How have you not lost your shit at him harassing you for a finish time? He wouldn't be doing all of his hobbies if you weren't working.

Does the hygienist do Saturdays ? I'm not sure that all do. Is the dentist local and did he come straight home?

I heart this 🤣🤣🤣

Yes it’s hard at 9 months with a baby (but that’s often compounded for women with postnatal effects/breast feeding etc) but most of us manage to work through this and still do some of the stuff around the house rather than our partner working/paying for everything and still doing the lions share of housework.
given that your partner has never worked full time I think you were unreasonable to expect anything more that what you have-he’s still not working full time! He’s a cocklodger.
unless he has something else that he brings to the table that you haven’t said here, like a golden magical cock, I’d be getting a nanny and he would have two options-get back to work full time and start contributing to family life (as in working doesn’t exempt you from housework and child care when you are home) or he can fuck off. Life would be much easier without him I’m sure.

I have an 8 month old and went to the hygienist yesterday. My mum looked after the baby and I was there and back in about an hour/hour and a half. Wouldn't dream of interrupting the main earner's morning unless it was convenient. If my mum had been busy I would have had to take the baby with me and park her in the corner.....

I vaguely remember having hobbies. They certainly aren't priority and I do all the house stuff, most of the shopping. Don't have a cleaner. It's hard juggling it all but you develop coping strategies when you have to - sounds like DP hasn't done this and doesn't really intend to. He's still relying on others to pick up the slack. Is it your first child? We both found it hard adjusting to the domestic slog when we had our first baby. Second time around I am more happily sacrificing my sanity etc as I know I'll get it back eventually. Your partner needs to adjust his thinking/expectations. Good luck!

This!!!

Nope, nope and nope. OP, the consensus is clear and unsurprising. This man is failing you and failing your child.

Would this apply if he was essentially on parental leave? I guess this is a reason to get him back to work right now, or leave him before the child is one year old.

Maybe worth speaking to a solicitor about custody arrangements.

Being a SAHP is hard work no matter who does it, and it's a transition that can be hard to get through to understand that some days you don't get even a minute to yourself if you intend to keep up with housework as well.
I wouldn't rush into anything, your husband not wanting a nanny is perfectly valid. I think it's best to talk everything through with him, and not just one conversation but a whole talk on how things have changed and he needs to know that being the SAHP means his hobby is on the back burner. As well as this you could sit and go through what jobs need doing everyday. But you also need to be saying no. If he interrupts you, ask him to leave, if he calls you moody ask if he'd prefer you switch places and if he'd like to go back to work instead, it might put things into perspective. If he passes you baby and disappears, follow and hand baby back.
Tell him if he doesn't start pulling his weight, he's gonna need to go back to work because you're not superwoman.

DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list.

If he’s going to be a SAHP he needs to do it properly - otherwise he gets a job. He’s even got cleaners ffs.

Does he know 'how' to be a sahp? As in is he taking the baby out to groups and things? Or is he worried about being the only bloke there or thinks he can't go because the group at the local community centre is still called 'Mums and Tots' ?
You read so many threads on here about mother's who avoid baby groups because they have anxiety or think it's all bitchy cliques or think people are going to criticize their parenting. Could he be in the same mindset? Could he be feeling that he - as a man - can't go to groups that are mostly women because it means he is invading their space?
Mumsnet can be so man hating at times that everything is just instantly "LTB" rather than finding out what the actual issue is.