DH said he wanted to be SAHP, but he may be regretting it

[IdontlikeVimto]

I'm recently returned to work, we have a 9 month old baby. I'm the higher earner, always have been, in quite a high pressure job. DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income. We couldn't live off what he earns on an annualised basis without making drastic changes to living arrangements.
When I was on mat leave, I proposed getting a nanny for DC, for greatest flexibility. DH was v firmly against the idea of another person spending so much 'parenting' time with DC. Said he would prefer to do it and take DC to a creche for a couple of mornings a week. So this is the plan.
Only now we are a few months in to the arrangement (I did some PT work over the summer) both of us are unhappy tired and snappy.
DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list. If I don't, he comes back with cake and cheese, and stacks of Ella sachets for DC. We have cleaners. I know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps.
If I WFH I am interrupted all day. If I so much as appear in the kitchen for a cup of tea I am left with baby while he 'just does X' which turns into half an hour to 2 hours. If I stay in study, DH and DC appear regularly to talk to me because bored. If I say you need to leave me alone I am told off for being snappy.
If I go to the office I am chased from lunchtime onwards about when I am coming home because he wants his evening free for hobby, and to ask me what do I want to do about dinner. Unless I shop or plan for it, it's takeaway. 80% of the meals I prepare.
He is miserable about not having any of "his own" income and gets frustrated about not being to do any work while looking after DC!! But I am putting a large amount of additional money in joint account each month (far more than I'd pay a blooming nanny) to cover his usual pension contributions etc.
I am miserable because I feel like I have all the pressure of return to work, big job, sole breadwinner plus more than 50% of the home jobs outside daytime child care. Im still BF and having to fit that or pumping around work as well. Am i wrong to expect a little more support from my DH? Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?
I'm regularly turning off laptop at midnight and feel like i have no time for myself anymore. DH says he supports me in doing exercise but in reality he prioritises his own hobbies before mine. And his life admin before my work responsibilities- tomorrow I have baby all morning because he has an app with hygienist!! Because of that I'll be working til midnight again 😩
Has anyone navigated this stuff with a DP and what worked for you without having a mega falling out?

I don't know any woman who was offered SAHP lessons. Most of us learn parenting as we go along. The household management - basic adult skills, irrespective of children.

Lets imagine for a moment that this delicate flower is terrified of baby groups - does that explain why he doesn't do even the basics at home?

But yes it has to be "MN is so anti men, the poor little lambkins, they can't help it"

This really sounds a very long way from what OP’s husband is doing. No one is saying that SAHPs have to be domestic gods/goddesses, only that doing the absolute bare minimum and watching TV much of the day doesn’t really cut it.

@C8H10N4O2 going by many many threads on here lots of mums do need "SAHP lessons".
This forum is full of questions about what to do with babies/toddlers during the day. How to cope with baby 'classes'. How to juggle cooking and cleaning when all your baby does is cry if you aren't holding them. What do you do with the baby when you need to take a shower. How to do a supermarket shop when all your child does is scream the supermarket down and everyone stares at you.
If you took away "how to be a SAHP" questions from Mumsnet then that's probably about 50% of the forum gone.
My comment wasn't specificly about him being male and not knowing what to do. My comment would apply to any adult who becomes a SAHP and possibly doesn't seem to know what they are doing - and might need some guidance.

Well done - you made my point for me. Others get onto source of information to ask questions and do the job, they don't leave it all the the WOHP and treat childcare as an opportunity to lie on the sofa watching TV.

So why has this paragon not done exactly what all those women (and plenty of men) do - actual work and finding out?

Your point was quite explicitly that MN bashes men. Go reread your own post.

@C8H10N4O2 no a lot of SAHP whether male or female are overwhelmed with taking care of a baby, have no clue what and how they are meant to 'do' and feel they can't cope.
When I became a mum I was completely clueless and I didn't always know where to find information (I didn't have the internet then so no Mumsnet for me) so there were times my husband helped and/or gave advice and support.
My post was more asking whether he is just a lazy arse or does he not know what to 'do' with a baby. Without knowing that no one can simply advise "get a nanny" or "LTB" which is what a lot of people seemed to jump to straight away.

Still making my point for me. None of us know the reality until it hits us.

So did you sit on your arse watching TV because you didn't know what to do or did you try to work out what was needed. There was no MN when mine were born either, nor did we have any family near by. It was hard work.

What we didn't do was sit back and assume someone else, usually someone with magical all knowing ovaries, would do the work for us.

You’ve got one school age child…

I wouldn’t be able to put up with such laziness. He’s got a good thing going there. I would tell him to shape up or ship out and you will get a nanny.

DH, is that you…?!

I think everyone is getting caught up on the SAHP label OP has used. This is maternity leave territory and NOONE on this site claims that a woman in maternity leave should be doing all this stuff - in fact the general consensus is the baby is the job and all housework etc is 50/50 when the working larent comes home. If the child was 5 and in school then yes - but this is no different to shared parental leave.

@C8H10N4O2 actually yes when I first had my daughter there were days where I sat at home (with the TV on) no knowing what I was meant to do with a baby, where to go, how to do things with a baby.
Family doesn't live near by. I didn't have any friends with babies.
It took a mixture of both me and my husband to figure things out, find things out etc. We worked together. He helped me - sometimes by giving me a bit of a gentle shove in the right direction because sometimes I was lost and felt alone.
My ovaries certainly aren't 'all knowing'. Obviously yours are far superior to mine. Lucky you.
No those early motherhood days I didn't know what I was doing half the time.

@C8H10N4O2 also my original post was a question to the OP - which she hasn't answered - was "does he know what he should be doing?".
It could be that yes he does and he is just a lazy slacker who can't be arsed.
We don't know do we?
You seem to have taken a very strange offence at my question. I don't really understand why. It was just a question 🤷🏻‍♂️

Lazy slob. Tell him to get back to work and start earning money to fund a proper childminder, a cleaner, and domestic help.

First response nailed it.

Your life will be much calmer and enjoyable without him.

Fwiw I have a 9 month old and a 3 year old who goes to nursery two days a week.

Baby takes two 30-40 min naps, I certainly don’t have time to watch TV even when the preschooler is at nursery.

I do grocery shopping (used to do after a nursery drop off, switched to online which has downsides but saves me valuable time).

I do all cooking and meal planning. I’ve started making double portions and freezing things I know the preschooler will eat (dhal, soup, chilli, hidden veg pasta sauce) and having that stuff has been a lifesaver. I make packed lunches for nursery the night before.

Laundry, I try my best to keep on top of it. Nothing gets ironed. My husband takes work shirts to the laundrette to be done. It’s a struggle to get it all sorted and put away, mainly happens in evening.

I clean the kitchen every evening, my husband helps if he isn’t working late. Hoovering and sweeping is about 50/50, I mop hard floors but not often enough. I clean bathrooms but not often enough.

I do take the kids out a lot, which might seem like doing more but tbh it creates less housework than staying home.

Keeping things acceptable feels like a constant battle even with my husband’s help. When he works from home I might ask him if he’s free to hold the baby for 5-10 mins once or maybe twice a day but not long periods like you mention. I wouldn’t expect him to hold it against me if I had a hygienist appointment, it’s not like you can get them out of work hours.

I think your husband could and should do more, and he could do with learning strategies to get things done with a baby, but I think you are a bit dismissive of what he does do and how full on caring for a baby can be. It’s also a learning curve. I’m more efficient with two than one, through experience and necessity. Organisation doesn’t come naturally to me but I’ve had to figure it out.

Things I can get done looking after a baby and toddler: a load of washing but not fold and put a way! I can do bits of cleaning (a quick hoover), tidy toys, make lunch and start dinner but DH normally takes over as the youngest still likes being held by me
all the time so makes it harder.
My DH works from home, we often make tea/coffee for each other & he always helps out getting lunch (as he would do that for himself anyway during day….I don’t take him meals…unless he’s maybe stuck)
He’s looking after baby not supposed to be completely running house- looking after a baby is a job in itself but would expect bits to be done ….shopping/meal planning/buying clothes and bits for little one etc. But all depends on the day. Perhaps he could do some groups with the baby to structure his day? It can be quite
boring on your own and maybe then he is lacking motivation for anything else if that makes sense.

I'd get him back off to work and stop contributions to his stuff. He can pay his own way of you're already covering majority of bills.
Your DC will probably do better in a nursery / nanny - interaction with others, learning etc.
Man child needs to take some responsibility, but won't if you're teaching him that you'll always cover things so he doesn't need to.

🤣🤣🤣

He’s basically complaining about what most SAHM’s do and sail through on a daily basis, what an utter knob head, how does he think other people normally manage? Honestly what a self entitled w@nker he wants you to work full time and do what he should be doing as a SAHP while you being in the bacon to enable you to live the lifestyle you do, although it doesn’t sound like much of one at the moment. He can’t have it both ways he is either a SAHP which shock horror involves him actually doing something or he goes to work and you pay for childcare 🙄

What a selfish lazy ars*hole

Get your LO booked into nursery for a few days a week and tell him to get off his backside and get a job!

Wow. So you work full time. Pay all the bills. Pay extra money to dh for his pension and ni

and he does bugger all around the house

if this was the mum staying at home and being a sahp and the dad saying she did nothing and interrupted me all the time at Work sure the replies would be different

he needs to get a job as he didn’t contributing to household via washing cleaning etx

aas even more so if he complains he wants free time for his hobby

assuming he’s not good enough for his hobby to do as a job and earn /make money

so employ a nanny esp if the cost of them is less then adding extra into joint account

and he can find work as he used to manage before becoming a dad

Oh come on. How do you think lone parents manage?? This level of dramatisation about housework being a full time job is absurd.

Yep.

Or better, find a good lawyer and cut your losses.

OP have your heard of the "sunk costs fallacy"?

This is where you are. Break out, or it will get worse.

You shouldn't have to be at the end of your tether for him to step up.

Also, read this back to yourself "DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income."

You're not a team. He is a giant, expensive child.

Housework isn’t a full time job, looking after kids is. The housework is a struggle to do around that. I know sole parents with young kids and in my experience they find it a struggle to keep on top of cleaning, laundry, cooking and life admin too.