DH said he wanted to be SAHP, but he may be regretting it

[IdontlikeVimto]

I'm recently returned to work, we have a 9 month old baby. I'm the higher earner, always have been, in quite a high pressure job. DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income. We couldn't live off what he earns on an annualised basis without making drastic changes to living arrangements.
When I was on mat leave, I proposed getting a nanny for DC, for greatest flexibility. DH was v firmly against the idea of another person spending so much 'parenting' time with DC. Said he would prefer to do it and take DC to a creche for a couple of mornings a week. So this is the plan.
Only now we are a few months in to the arrangement (I did some PT work over the summer) both of us are unhappy tired and snappy.
DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list. If I don't, he comes back with cake and cheese, and stacks of Ella sachets for DC. We have cleaners. I know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps.
If I WFH I am interrupted all day. If I so much as appear in the kitchen for a cup of tea I am left with baby while he 'just does X' which turns into half an hour to 2 hours. If I stay in study, DH and DC appear regularly to talk to me because bored. If I say you need to leave me alone I am told off for being snappy.
If I go to the office I am chased from lunchtime onwards about when I am coming home because he wants his evening free for hobby, and to ask me what do I want to do about dinner. Unless I shop or plan for it, it's takeaway. 80% of the meals I prepare.
He is miserable about not having any of "his own" income and gets frustrated about not being to do any work while looking after DC!! But I am putting a large amount of additional money in joint account each month (far more than I'd pay a blooming nanny) to cover his usual pension contributions etc.
I am miserable because I feel like I have all the pressure of return to work, big job, sole breadwinner plus more than 50% of the home jobs outside daytime child care. Im still BF and having to fit that or pumping around work as well. Am i wrong to expect a little more support from my DH? Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?
I'm regularly turning off laptop at midnight and feel like i have no time for myself anymore. DH says he supports me in doing exercise but in reality he prioritises his own hobbies before mine. And his life admin before my work responsibilities- tomorrow I have baby all morning because he has an app with hygienist!! Because of that I'll be working til midnight again 😩
Has anyone navigated this stuff with a DP and what worked for you without having a mega falling out?

Clearly, having a child has just made visible the underlying cracks which already existed. I think in that respect, this is not really about childcare, but about a lack of balance in your relationship.

But on the more immediate issue - either he starts taking his job seriously (caring for your child) or you pay for a professional solution, whether that be a nanny or nursery. The lack of household management I wouldn't mind so much if he was spending the days providing the best start for your child: preparing and feeding them nourishing food, taking them out to different environments, possibly socialising at toddler groups etc.

He’s a lazy, useless entitled prick. Fucking hell.

At this age my DC were still waking making 6 times a night and I was a complete wreck. People seems to understand this about mothers so why isn’t this understood about fathers caring for a baby?

I might have missed it, but did OP say DH does all the nights and she gets a full night of sleep? Considering she is BFing, my guess is she is the one waking 6 times a night.

He sounds like he's not invested in being a sahp and thought it was easier than working. Looking at 1 baby can be tough at times, monotonous and boring but most people still find time to cook a meal, do shopping every week, stick a load of laundry on and keep the house generally (at least superficially) clean and tidy. Could you create a big weekly rota and work out what jobs are reasonable for him and you to do given your roles, then try and protect some free time for each of you.

Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?

But he's not really spending time with baby, is he? He's watching TV, interrupting you and leaving you with baby. I'm at home with our DS just now and DH wfh. I see DH for lunch and if he decides to come out to have a coffee together, otherwise we don't bother him. So no, not normal at all for you to not be left alone. Your husband sounds quite selfish actually... Just mainly interested in his hobby. It's not ok, op.

This is a good point!

This isn’t really about your husband’s sah v woh dilemma. It’s just that this specific situation highlights even more how little he is contributing overall at work and home.

I’m tempted to say he should shadow a fully functioning sahm for a day and say how it should be done! (My sister could show him. the ropes. She is highly organised and never stops.)

Or show him your op. This really isn’t a fair distribution of effort and is not sustainable going forward. You are starting to become resentful and it will destroy your marriage if nothing changes.

I am in your husband’s position b4 he became a sahp. I work PT and my husband earns a much higher salary than me. However, the big difference is that in addition to Pt work, I do all house-cleaning, all laundry and used to do lion’s share of child care when my dc were of an age when they needed that. I do meal planning and food shopping but my dh cooks most nights and does all gardening and car related tasks plus the rubbish and recycling.

I agree that writing out lists of everything that needs doing is a good start , dividing them in to three categories:

1. ongoing regular essential survival tasks such as childcare, laundry, food shopping, cooking, essential cleaning and tidying and nursery admin.
2. episodic “maintenance” tasks such as decluttering, cupboard reorganising, small handyman type jobs, gardening, window cleaning, present buying etc.
3. actual tidying and cleaning: twice weekly (or whatever) cleaning of kitchen and bathrooms, floors and surfaces etc.

Then allocate tasks to each other (and cleaner) depending on available hours. Then at least he has a clear idea of what needs doing and what your expectations are. Not excusing him but he may have grown up in a family where he wasn’t aware of what goes in to running a household.

Maybe set him up with a cleaning app like TOMM that directs you what to do in each day?

But all of the apps in the world won’t help if his heart is not in it or at least has a decent sense of what is fair.

Exactly. Good childcare is much better than shit 'parenting'. I know which I'd prefer for my DC.

I was in survival mode. I never got any sleep with my first two, was a zombie (I am on mat leave with my 3rd but we only had a 3rd after I explained to Dh that not helping at nights with a baby was a dealbreaker and I’d rather divorce sooner rather than let the fury eat me from the inside, and I 100% would be done with the marriage.) I still did the laundry, by 7 months I was doing half the general cooking at least and all of the specific baby cooking, I do most of our (fairly extensive) admin, our finances, tidying, our holiday planning etc. Now we have 3 Dh does a lot even though he’s working, but not more than me. I know no mums zero nada who aren’t doing a lot with a 7mo. Walks, cuddles, playing with them as much as all the rest.

I missed the part where it says that the husband is doing night wakings. The impression the OP's post gives is that, as well as working full-time, she is also breastfeeding, pumping and doing a lot of evening childcare, as well as cooking and working additional hours in the evening.

This doesn't sound sustainable at all, op. Agree with others that you need to change the arrangement and ideally that your partner should go back to work while you use a nanny or nursery for childcare.

He's doing only a fraction of what a SAHP would normally do, and I'm surprised to see posts saying that replies would be different if the sexes were reversed- the vast majority of SAHMs do all this and more. I think some interruption is inevitable if you are WFH but coming into see you because he's bored or giving you the baby and disappearing for 2 hours is not on at all.

Who does the nights btw?

I also think it sounds like he's doing the absolute minimum for your baby which seems a real shame- a good nanny would give your baby lots of interaction, activities, outings. I think some dads (and I'm sure some mums as well, although I've yet to meet one) see parenting a baby as simply keeping them alive with the least effort possible so they can get on with their real life (ie non baby life). It's not a mindset that works well with SAHPing.

I know you want to resolve this without risking your marriage so presumably he has some good qualities too. Given that he's already grumbling about not earning his own money, I'd suggest moving to 3 days' nursery so that he can restart his career. Present it as a win-win. I bet he'll bite your arm off.

I always felt like a huge failure when mine were babies because I found it really hard to get anything done.

DC4 at 9 months
Was waking every hour through the night.
Was having two naps but only in a moving pram so I spent hours just walking. Thankfully one of the naps more or less coincided with the school run.
Was into everything when awake, crawling, climbing, emptying stuff everywhere OR wanted to be carried. Generally wanted my full attention all the time.

The house was a lot dustier and messier than I would have liked but I did still manage to do laundry, vacuum floors, clean bathrooms, shop for groceries and cook meals, even if I did sometimes hand the baby over to dp as soon as he got home in order to do so!

With my first dc I didn’t start a lot of tasks because I knew I wouldn’t be able to see them through, it took a while to learn that wiping one bit of worktop is better than none and that you can actually get quite a lot done in 30 second bursts throughout the day! That said I did feel a bit manic at times, I’d be for eg rolling a ball to dc then when they paused to chew it I’d jump up and plump the cushions or fold a blanket or tidy some toys or add to my online shop before continuing playing. Or after I changed a nappy I’d get another wipe and quickly wipe a surface on my way to the bin. It was like having loads of tabs open and not being able to close any of them because nothing was ever done. And despite having a lot of time at home seemingly doing not a lot I never seemed to
have any real time.

I think dp probably did come home quite often and wonder wtf I’d been doing though!

Some of this is hard to read but all helpful. I needed a range of perspectives to help me get my thoughts in order. To answer some questions DC is pretty good sleeper, has post breakfast and lunch naps, and nights he wakes 0 to 3 times and are a joint effort by me and DH. Probably because in the middle of the night I find it easier to elbow him in the ribs and tell him it's his turn.

The hobby is a sporting activity. It's key to his mh but he does take it extremes in terms of training and events.

And I think he has worked out I was at the end of my tether yesterday because today I've been left in total peace and all meals prepared by dh.

At the moment everything is skewed around his needs and wants. Which I think was a mistake to begin with but simply cannot happen now there is a baby

Whose needs do not appear to be met. So something needs to change.

Also - why are you paying into a pension for him.

So conversations need to be had when your child is put front and centre. Some honest words about finances and responsibilites and the fact he needs a job. And stop being a walkover.

To answer some questions DC is pretty good sleeper, has post breakfast and lunch naps, and nights he wakes 0 to 3 times and are a joint effort by me and DH.

Then I stand by my post. He should be able to sort out food shopping and (basic) cooking and basic laundry while the baby is asleep. Fair enough for you to put with nights at weekends, but not really fair on the working parent to do if when she has to go to work the next day. Basically - you can’t expect a spotless house, but you should expect a reasonable dinner when you get home from work!

Oh no I feel like shite now after reading some of the comments here. 😂 I'm on maternity leave, I cannot do a grocery shop with DC, I just find it impossible. Some days I get dinner ready, some days I don't, some days I just get prep done and DP has to finish it when he gets home. It depends on how tired I am, how DC is, etc. Some days I get laundry done, sometimes a weeks work builds up! Clearly I need to up my game! 😬

When he earns more does he contribute much to bills and expenses or does it all pretty much go to his hobby?

It is mind-boggling really. I am a lone parent and do all of the above while also having a demanding full time job and two children with SEN.

My question OP would be how much housework, shopping, cooking etc was he doing before you had a baby? These are not particularly onerous tasks, just the boring parts of being an adult that most people slot in around full time work and leisure time, especially when there are two people to share it!!

If he used to work very sporadically, presumably he did a lot of this stuff before as you were working full time? If not, yes he is just a lazy arse taking advantage of you.

You have a cleaner. Get a nanny. And yes lots of nannies will also do some laundry, and all will ensure the mess made during the day is cleaned up - that's a basic part of the job, as is cooking for the child if they work over mealtimes.

And then get a divorce. Do not leave this, otherwise if this goes on too long - despite him doing very little parenting by the sound of it - he'll be able to claim he is the "primary carer" and make you support him continue to be lazy and worse still, your DC will continue to be subjected to this sub-standard parenting for a majority of the time potentially, if he decides to push for more time with them so that he can continue to sit around doing nothing. Nip this in the bud, kick him out and find a lawyer.

@Confusion101 I don't think it's about what he does and doesn't do - it's attitude that is the issue.

If he said to OP gosh this looking after a baby is hard, I've not been able to hang out the washing or get dinner ready today, I doubt OP would be posting.

It's the implicit expectation that she brings in the family income, and appears to have to do all the housework as well and it doesn't even sound as if he's doing much with baby outside of naps.

I wasn't great at being at home on maternity leave and whilst I found juggling work and childcare hard when I returned, mentally I felt a lot more fulfilled. No shame in it if this is the case for the DH, although he had a pretty cushty life pre DC too.

I was the same when my kids were small. The house was always a tip, I might or might not have cooked dinner. Not because I was doing any kind of hobby, though. Although one morning I read a novel lying on the floor while the kids climbed on me like play equipment. I remember because of the guilt.

I doubt very much he'd go for full custody if you split. he's obviously struggling and not enjoying being a sahp. tell him to get a bloody job and contribute, then get a nanny and a housekeeper. he's taking the piss.

Part of it is probably that he’s not used to working hard when it’s not fun. He hasn’t had to do a full time job. He’s never done much around the house. He doesn’t realise that you get these things done by turning up and doing them, not by having a good old relax and then putting 20 minutes in. But that is not the ops responsibility —as an adult in a relationship wiht a child he is wilfully ignoring how much she is doing because that might make him feel guilty and like he should concentrate less on himself. And the bottom line is that he doesn’t want to do that. He could, but it would be inconvenient boring and tiring, generally just not fun enough, and he doesn’t think either his partner or child are worth putting himself through that.

He's in his 30s! There is no excuse for being such a pathetic, self-absorbed child. How can he look after a child when he's a child himself and thinks putting on some washing, doing the housework and knocking up a quick dinner is hard work? Fucking hell. Like I said, many single parents do this AND a hard full time job. It's pathetic.

And yes, I'd say the same to a woman.