DH said he wanted to be SAHP, but he may be regretting it

[IdontlikeVimto]

I'm recently returned to work, we have a 9 month old baby. I'm the higher earner, always have been, in quite a high pressure job. DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income. We couldn't live off what he earns on an annualised basis without making drastic changes to living arrangements.
When I was on mat leave, I proposed getting a nanny for DC, for greatest flexibility. DH was v firmly against the idea of another person spending so much 'parenting' time with DC. Said he would prefer to do it and take DC to a creche for a couple of mornings a week. So this is the plan.
Only now we are a few months in to the arrangement (I did some PT work over the summer) both of us are unhappy tired and snappy.
DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list. If I don't, he comes back with cake and cheese, and stacks of Ella sachets for DC. We have cleaners. I know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps.
If I WFH I am interrupted all day. If I so much as appear in the kitchen for a cup of tea I am left with baby while he 'just does X' which turns into half an hour to 2 hours. If I stay in study, DH and DC appear regularly to talk to me because bored. If I say you need to leave me alone I am told off for being snappy.
If I go to the office I am chased from lunchtime onwards about when I am coming home because he wants his evening free for hobby, and to ask me what do I want to do about dinner. Unless I shop or plan for it, it's takeaway. 80% of the meals I prepare.
He is miserable about not having any of "his own" income and gets frustrated about not being to do any work while looking after DC!! But I am putting a large amount of additional money in joint account each month (far more than I'd pay a blooming nanny) to cover his usual pension contributions etc.
I am miserable because I feel like I have all the pressure of return to work, big job, sole breadwinner plus more than 50% of the home jobs outside daytime child care. Im still BF and having to fit that or pumping around work as well. Am i wrong to expect a little more support from my DH? Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?
I'm regularly turning off laptop at midnight and feel like i have no time for myself anymore. DH says he supports me in doing exercise but in reality he prioritises his own hobbies before mine. And his life admin before my work responsibilities- tomorrow I have baby all morning because he has an app with hygienist!! Because of that I'll be working til midnight again 😩
Has anyone navigated this stuff with a DP and what worked for you without having a mega falling out?

Definitely nanny, nursery or CM.

As your DH seems to have flexibility with working hours even when working a nursery would be less expensive than a nanny. Thing is even a professional won't do your shopping and housework either.

I'd definitely change the childcare- at the moment if you separate he would likely get main custody and you'd have to pay him for it.

A 9 month old won't be napping most of the day.

I think there's a mix of things here - you're downplaying the childcare massively, pretending that your 9 month old sleeps all day. If 9 month olds slept much of the time you wouldn't mind having childcare responsibility all morning whilst he goes to the dentist because you'd be able to work while she sleeps, but you know she'll be into everything, crawling, pulling up, maybe cruising around furniture or even starting to toddle at 9 months, climbing potentially depending upon the child, babbling, shouting, crying if you ignore her and certainly a lot of work.

On the other hand he's trying it on expecting you to do more than 50% of laundry, food shopping and cooking - he should obviously be doing some domestic stuff in the day (shopping and doing laundry with DC "helping" getting in the way and making everything take longer but involved as an activity as is normal for all stay at home parents of the out of working hours childcare and domestic work.

He sounds lazy & rather indulged. I think the hygienist thing is fair enough but he should be able to find a way to shop & prepare some food with one 9 month old. Even online if he really. An’t manage to take one baby to the supermarket. Get him a slow cooker - I found that really helpful when the kids were small.

nanny, childminder or nursery (maybe part tIme if he wants to do something). Have him batch cook at the weekend while you spend time with the baby. And a serious talk about being a grown up & parent means having responsibilities & you are happy to support his hobby (it’s not cycling is it?) but he needs to do his bit.

If you do nothing the resentment will grow & you will end divorced. It will be hard though - a man who has prioritised a hobby over a job even after marriage is likely to be rather lazy.

You’ve married a cocklodger OP

My dh was a sahd when ds was 9 months when I went back to work. Similar situation he was self employed, sporadic work, I had a stable income. He found it really tough, it knocked his mental health quite badly, and he felt very isolated too. However the difference was that he and I sat down, talked about it, and decided as a family the best thing to do was to put ds into nursery, which happened just after his 1st birthday. So dh was at home for about 3 months with DS. Ds and now dd both thrived in nursery, dh now has a full time job which he loves, and I have been able to progress my career. Nome of that would have happened if he hadn't been honest and opened up to me that he was struggling, or if we had not been able to talk properly about it together. To me that seems to be the issue here, that conversation needs to be had.

If he’s not managed a full time job, he’s not going to be much good at full time “job” at home.

plenty of people (yes, including Dads) look after children and manage to do standard housekeeping.

Throw money at the problem and employ some competent women. If he is pretty enough to keep around then, fine, consider him an ornament of sorts.

Tbh when I read posts about SAH parents...male and female...being unable to cook a meal, get basic house stuff done or do a grocery shop with one baby, I wonder why unless they have genuinely high needs children. I was a SAHM for years, no car and little regular family help. Most of my friends were in the same situation and we got on with it and had a social life (toddler groups, picnics etc) too.What’s changed ?

It depends really, Dd was a horrible sleeper (still is). Dh was very hands on while home but being at home with a baby can be really bloody hard. I found working easier. I have a cleaner and we still ended up living on takeaways but tbf I was spending a lot of time making elaborate weaning dishes 🙄. I still managed to get a load of laundry on empty the dishwasher etc.

I think people underestimate the special kind of exhaustion baby’s bring, DD for example needed to contact nap for ages, she was a late crawler so wanted me to carry her around in circles constantly (she would go apeshit if I stopped moving). So yeah there were days which I spent hours on the sofa because DD was sleeping and she didn’t want to be moved (this was in the first 3 months though)

However if you think he is unhappy the best solution is nanny and him go back to work. He also needs to pull his finger out on mental load. If he works less than you he can do dinner 5 days a week for example and its on him to decide buy and cook.

He sounds awful. Some good advice here: nanny and divorce are just the ticket.

At that age my eldest napped for an hour in the morning and two hours over lunchtime. Some are also still have a third nap at 9 months. Happy days!

If you pay a nanny though ,they'd not make the meals shop or do laundry and you'd respect them as professional to spend all day just looking after the baby . You don't extend him the same courtesy.
You need to plan between you who is doing what and that you need boundaries if you wfh.

His job whilst you’re at work is the baby - washing, cleaning and cooking are nice extras that he should be getting a chance to do some of but very unlikely to do all of.

Thus is unrealistic. A SAHP should be doing the majority of these chores on top of looking after the baby. Yes the house may look like a tip sometimes and the evening meal may not be on the dot of 6pm but there is no excuse at all for not getting the washing done and meals/shopping just tame a bit of organisation.

He's lazy basically.

*this
*take

😂Laughing very hard. This is a good way of looking at it.

I was a fairly terrible SAHM in terms of housework, but I did manage to cook, shop & go out a lot with the kids. Also made mine by whether it was through some work when kids were in bed or flogging stuff on eBay. It sounds like matey boy here isn’t really doing anything except the basics & sulking about not being able to do his hobby whenever he wants.

Oh and wash - keeping in top of the washing with a baby is one of the easier jobs.

But a nanny wouldn’t plan a hygienist appointment in working hours, leaving OP doing childcare.

A nanny wouldn’t call her in the office asking what time she’d be home, or disturb her WFH because they were ‘bored’.

YABU - when do u expect him to go to the hygienist? It pretty much requires someone else to have the baby. But he should discuss with you when an optimal time would be re:your work.

yeah - I have days when I don’t manage to do much apart from hold baby. On other days I manage to cook, laundry etc. whoever does the cooking should do the shopping - as otherwise it won’t work out. You can just do online shopping. Does he have a baby sling? I find I can get way more done with a baby sling.

but he does sound like he has a lazy tendency. Why not discuss the split of chores with him? If he is unhappy, maybe he would like to go back to work. Sorry - hobby time should be expected to reduce when he has a child. He can still do it but should have equal free time to u after all chores accounted for.

This is wise. It’s the only way to ‘not have a big row’.

No tips on how not to resent him though, the rage would burn me up.

He is a freeloading cocklodger

What exactly is he bringing to the family table? Apart from his hobby and me time?

I would get rid, he is a second child and he will grind you down and fleece you dry in the coming years.

I hope you have bullet proof contraception. The last thing you need is more children with such a limp and useless man.

How would your life not be easier if he lived elsewhere, you had a nanny who actually let you do your job, he isn’t around half the evenings same as now but it’s because he’s in his own place not off doing his hobby, and a few hours a week he takes his child and actually just looks after them without interrupting you, and he discovers it’s not that easy to fund a hobby while paying his rent?

obviously you have to talk about it but I think you need a nanny because your dp is not parenting. And he needs to up his game and do less hobby, less tv and more cooking and cleaning like a normal person.

Why was he working with big gaps before the baby OP? Was the money made equivalent to a full time wage coming in even when he wasnt working?

😂.

Imagine this was a reverse

Everyone would
Be telling the man to spend a week in his wife's shoes.

Only
You know the truth but everyone is jumping on the man here.

Having a baby at home is time
Consuming and lonely. So I do have some sympathy
However the fact he never works properly before is a red flag that's True.

Before throwing him out completely (!) have you considered treating him like a non-performing employee and giving him clearer instructions? So give him a chore list each day, tell him what he's to cook for dinner, remind him of life admin coming up that he needs to sort... Yes it's spoon-feeding for a while, but you need to get him into a routine so that he will start remembering what needs to be done. It takes time but could work. (DH has been SAHD for 12 years)