DH said he wanted to be SAHP, but he may be regretting it

[IdontlikeVimto]

I'm recently returned to work, we have a 9 month old baby. I'm the higher earner, always have been, in quite a high pressure job. DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income. We couldn't live off what he earns on an annualised basis without making drastic changes to living arrangements.
When I was on mat leave, I proposed getting a nanny for DC, for greatest flexibility. DH was v firmly against the idea of another person spending so much 'parenting' time with DC. Said he would prefer to do it and take DC to a creche for a couple of mornings a week. So this is the plan.
Only now we are a few months in to the arrangement (I did some PT work over the summer) both of us are unhappy tired and snappy.
DH is 'only' looking after the baby. No time apparently for any laundry, organised grocery shopping, meal planning or prepping. He can get shopping if I give him a precise shopping list. If I don't, he comes back with cake and cheese, and stacks of Ella sachets for DC. We have cleaners. I know for a fact he spends much of the day watching TV while the baby naps.
If I WFH I am interrupted all day. If I so much as appear in the kitchen for a cup of tea I am left with baby while he 'just does X' which turns into half an hour to 2 hours. If I stay in study, DH and DC appear regularly to talk to me because bored. If I say you need to leave me alone I am told off for being snappy.
If I go to the office I am chased from lunchtime onwards about when I am coming home because he wants his evening free for hobby, and to ask me what do I want to do about dinner. Unless I shop or plan for it, it's takeaway. 80% of the meals I prepare.
He is miserable about not having any of "his own" income and gets frustrated about not being to do any work while looking after DC!! But I am putting a large amount of additional money in joint account each month (far more than I'd pay a blooming nanny) to cover his usual pension contributions etc.
I am miserable because I feel like I have all the pressure of return to work, big job, sole breadwinner plus more than 50% of the home jobs outside daytime child care. Im still BF and having to fit that or pumping around work as well. Am i wrong to expect a little more support from my DH? Or should I be grateful that he wants to spend time with baby?
I'm regularly turning off laptop at midnight and feel like i have no time for myself anymore. DH says he supports me in doing exercise but in reality he prioritises his own hobbies before mine. And his life admin before my work responsibilities- tomorrow I have baby all morning because he has an app with hygienist!! Because of that I'll be working til midnight again 😩
Has anyone navigated this stuff with a DP and what worked for you without having a mega falling out?

What @lamaze1 says
Also, read this back to yourself "DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby. I've always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to higher income."
let me help you out - you mean ‘I’ve always covered the vast majority of household expenses due to not regularly fucking off work to focus on me while my partner works hard to fund me.’ That’s a bit more clear I think. He also expects you to pay him extra just for existing and the privilege of being with him. Basically he thinks really really highly of himself and not so much of you, when it comes down to it. Where was the acknowledgement that if you ever wanted a break he should step up and work his butt off like you have? It’s not just coincidence you earn substantially more.

I’ve read the first page of comments & the amount of people instantly saying ‘leave’ ‘this marriage is over’ is crazy - terrible advice to just leave after reading 1 post.

I’m so sorry though that you are under so much pressure & it definitely needs addressing - firmly & quickly!

you have nothing to lose by being completely honest with him. Spell out exactly what you expect from him/your relationship/you - you may fall out but you’re already miserable - if you have support friends/family then see if you can get the baby looked after for a few hours so you can do this.

you could also look at having a nursery/childminder for a couple of times a week to relieve pressure on both of you.

Its absolutely worth having a big discussion / even an argument if it resolves the matter in the long run.

He might feel like he’s stuck in a rut / his confidence could be low / didn’t realise how tough being a stay at home parent might be which is adding to the cycle of laziness.

good luck I hope you can resolve this for you and your baby

My DH wasn’t too helpful around the home. But whilst we both WFH with “big” jobs in finance, so much of the life admin (shopping, laundry, arrangements of childcare and school runs and all children related stuff) fell to me. I rarely lose my $#!+ but after he left me “holding the baby” (metaphorically, DC are 7 and 11) one half term (when HE was supposed to be off work and I was working) I certainly did.

Then I went on strike from any home related jobs whatsoever. No cooking. No cleaning. No shopping (not even for milk nor bread). No life admin. It was awful watching the state of everything. But it was the kick up the bum my husband (of two decades) needed. He finally got it together and now, if I’m honest, pulls MORE than his fair share of housework, admin and all such things. Mental load still on me for a lot of the kids stuff (dental checkups, immunisations, play dates, school stuff etc). But it’s far more manageable now, and I really feel like we’re a proper team.

Sounds to me like you’re being far too easy going and reasonable TBH. It’s a shame one has to lose shit to see change, but a drastic shouting match might actually clear the air and sort things out once and for all. And, to be honest, doesn’t have to be the end of things. My hubby was a man child. But after 30 years together we’ve turned a corner and life is good 😉

This! (Appologies not read the whole thread!)

i’ve been a sahm for 12 years a joint decision we made as my job wasn’t flexible and had long hours, i’ve no family to help & lost my mum before having my oldest so i wanted to be at home. I did it all and still
do - everything with the kids, housse work, shopping & cooking & i still
do. My husband is self employed and has been able to put the hours in to grow his business and earn more and he has trippled his income by me being at home & we live comfortably because of that but it has at times caused some resentment on both sides it was definitely the best thing for our family.

It was hard at the start especially when we added twins with reflux into the mix - i barely got any time to do anything bar look after the kids and so house work did take a back seat (i still did online ordering and made sure we had food even if it was just throwing in a frozen pizza on the particularly tough days) and as they get older it got easier & once they start nursery and school it gets easier and i had plenty of “me time”’then and am now looking at volunteering and going back to retrain to get back into work for myself as the hardest part has been being financially dependant on my husband as i had earned my own money working from 15 but i did inherit some money and have used that to contribute over the years alongside savings i had but we’ve always been a team and he’s always made all of his money “our” money.

SAHP can work but only if both are fully on board with the rules and it sounds like in both cases here you aren’t. You need to hire a nanny & he needs to get a job

Who's the nanny for;your man baby of a DH or the actual baby?;he's a cocklodger who's using you to cover his living costs whilst he only earns enough to support his hobby.

Kick him out:get a nanny;it'll actually be less with for you full stop.

Why would you resurrect an old thread to share your so very pertinent thoughts - and then say you haven’t read the whole thread…..?

Because it showed up on the page & i didn’t click the date of it originally 🙄

the point in posts is to give our opinions but why bother commenting when you noticed it was old you could just have let the thread die again 🙄

Be very careful bec When u finally realise you want rid of him
he is the main carer of baby so will be the full time parent able live at home doing sweet fa while u earn to support hi m and see your child every other weekend

It sounds like you can stop paying him abd pay other people to do the childcare, question is, would he bother doing tge housework or duck out on that too?

100% agree.

Why does this zombie thread keep coming back from the dead

OP maybe you can tell us how you're getting on?

DH is self employed and has been for years, happy taking jobs with big gaps in between to prioritise his hobby

DH is the same, and for that reason I would never agree to him being a SAHP (he started making noises about it when DS was safely in school - ie he was volunteering to do a few more school runs, but in return he’d leave his job and have me financially support him for the rest of his life). He also does minimal housework - “he doesn’t see mess”. Apparently I am a selfish unsupportive bitch for not agreeing to bankroll his daytime cinema trips in perpetuity, but so be it.

You have to talk to him and tell him this isn’t working. Find alternative childcare, and cut off financial support. He will still be living off you in 18 years’ time if you aren’t careful.

Oh FFS, zombie thread? 🙄

So what happened with OP?

Blimey op - he’s a cocklodging man-child and always has been! Happy with big gaps in employment! I’ll bet he was - with you paying for everything! The writing was on the wall from the start, sadly, and you ignored it, had a child with him, and surprise-surprise he hasn’t changed! Seriously, this waste of space needs to go…

He’s a lazy git who thought he had chanced upon a way of stopping his hobby job altogether and now he’s realised that being a sahp isn’t a quick trip to the park followed by an afternoon of chilling out.
I have been a sahp and DH did very little around the house (which I was fine with) apart from spending time with the DC in the evenings and weekends and a bit of tidying up.
You have the worst of both worlds

If a woman can't do housework etc. With a baby thry are told 'it's all OK don't worry it is soooo hard looking after a baby and you don't have to go back to work'

The double standard again

Nope. Not a double standard when the sahm is going a good job and the sahd is doing a crap job in this instance. If he was a professional nanny he would have been sacked by now fhs!