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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
NewBrightonEel · 23/04/2023 18:54

Tell him it's over and block him - and have a friend to stay or stay at their house. Please report him to the police.

CherryCokeFanatic · 23/04/2023 18:56

Probably inspired by Porn and thinking that’s what real sex should be like

Daleksatemyshed · 23/04/2023 18:57

@Spambod is absolutely right Op, he wanted you to ask for sex so that he could push for all the nasty acts he really wanted to do. He can say he was carried away and he didn't mean it but the truth is that is who he is, if you let him get away with this behaviour he will repeat it over and over

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:57

daretodenim · 23/04/2023 18:53

I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in.

That is rape. Rape in England and Wales is unwanted penetration with penis in anus, vagina or mouth. Pretty much the same in Scotland too.

There's no ambiguity. It was rape. I'm sorry.

Please, please don't question yourself, tell yourself he's "normally so nice" and the rest. You're feeling horrible today because you have very healthy boundaries.

This is a genuine case of LTB. Block him. Go to the police too, if you want. But don't let someone who does this to you back in your life. You don't deserve it and he doesn't deserve it either, for opposite reasons.

You’re feeling horrible today because you have healthy boundaries

THIS!! You know in your heart what this was, and that’s why it’s not sitting right with you. Don’t go back to him because even if he never did anything like this again, he did it once and once is too many times.

ememem84 · 23/04/2023 18:57

I’d have bitten it if he’d started doing that to me.

absolutely echo the others. Leave

Furrydogmum · 23/04/2023 18:57

You should have bitten the bastard to be honest.

LemonTreeSkies · 23/04/2023 18:58

If I’ve read the OP correctly she told him to stop and told him no, and HE said no. As in “please stop!” “No”
if so that’s even nastier than it first appears

evuscha · 23/04/2023 18:59

I’m sorry you had to go through this. Please leave him.

KvotheTheBloodless · 23/04/2023 19:00

You were raped. I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers

Send him a message asking why he didn't stop forcing his penis into your mouth when you said no. Make sure he responds via message. To get any resolution through the police, you will need evidence beyond your own words.

I'm sorry to put it so starkly, but if you want justice you will need concrete evidence Sad

Americano75 · 23/04/2023 19:02

Get him to fuck, the fucking beast.

tonyele · 23/04/2023 19:02

From a technical perspective, legally, I think it is rape, you said no and he continued - difficult to prove of course as you have no evidence.

However, it is proof of a dark and unpleasant personality, I'd be moving on!

PARunnerGirl · 23/04/2023 19:02

I really enjoy my sex life with my partner and I guess some would describe it as adventurous or definitely not “vanilla”. It has been like this from the start. We are so close for many reasons, but our sexual comparability is a big part of that because that shared intimacy has brought us to be very close to each other.

Sometimes things don’t work no matter how well you know each other; someone gets something wrong, someone tries something that the other person doesn’t like.

But in our sex life, if this EVER happens and I say “no” or “stop” or even sometimes when my partner senses something might not feel great (which may or may not be true), he stops. Immediately. And it’s cuddles and a chat.

The worrying thing is that your BF carried on regardless. He’s not exactly immature, which isn’t an excuse anyway. I’d think carefully about continuing this relationship. If you do talk to him and are absolutely, completely, true-to-yourself, 100% satisfied it was a genuine mistake, tread extremely carefully and at the slightest hint of anything similar you must stop this.

PARunnerGirl · 23/04/2023 19:03

*compatibility

Polzair · 23/04/2023 19:03

He has shown you exactly who he is. And you deserve much, much better. Flowers

SpringBunnies · 23/04/2023 19:04

you have seen his true self. Run before you invested too much in this man. It’s not normal at all.

lemmein · 23/04/2023 19:04

Spambod · 23/04/2023 18:14

That’s why he specifically made sure you initiated sex so that you felt you had asked for it and he would always have this as his excuse. He has done this before to other women. This is the sex he enjoys. He has manipulated you. I am so sorry he treated you like this op. No decent man would do this. The sexual WhatsApp was also him arse covering. Again because he has done this before he knows how to play it so it looks like mutual consent. Run for the fucking hills.

I really agree with this - he manipulated you into initiating so you'd feel confused afterwards.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. Those feelings of disgust and not wanting to speak/see him is your gut trying to protect you - you know deep down what this was. I'm really sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 19:05

I'm sitting here crying. I can't type much but I just want to thank each and every one of you for your support, it is so comforting at a time when I feel so isolated and alone

OP posts:
briansgardenshed · 23/04/2023 19:06

I am so sorry OP. Take back control and leave him. I agree with the others. He doesn't get to do that. He absolutely doesn't.

From now on YOU say what happens. (And this sort of behaviour is never a one-off)

Leave and block him.

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 19:06

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 19:05

I'm sitting here crying. I can't type much but I just want to thank each and every one of you for your support, it is so comforting at a time when I feel so isolated and alone

I feel so awful for you, sending a virtual hug 💐

Boomshock · 23/04/2023 19:07

CherryCokeFanatic · 23/04/2023 18:56

Probably inspired by Porn and thinking that’s what real sex should be like

It was rape and he knew it was rape and that it wasn't 'real sex'.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/04/2023 19:08

Technically it wasn’t rape, it was sexual assault because he carried on after you’d said no. He ignored you and wasn’t going to stop when you’d said no.
He knew what he was doing.
Sending you a joke about sex is his way of testing the waters.
This would be a line in the sand for me, I don’t think I could trust him not to do it again.

Radiohat · 23/04/2023 19:08

I feel sick reading that, I hope you dump him. I had something similar so know how you feel.😥

Americano75 · 23/04/2023 19:09

I don't know if it has already been suggested but it might be worth looking at a Claire's Law info request.

I'm so sorry love.

polkadotdalmation · 23/04/2023 19:09

You don't feel sexually violated, you were.
Please end it, this man has no respect for you or your boundaries.
What will he do next ?

Itsokay2020 · 23/04/2023 19:10

@frugalnecessity I am so sorry this happened to you, can you talk to a trusted friend this evening, ideally in person? Your feelings, and reaction, are entirely justified and understandable in the circumstances

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